There are a lot of excellent points in this article. I have said over and over again, I think it's very important to know who you are, and what you want, and achieve something on your own before getting married. If your entire identity is your marriage or your family, then what are you bringing to that relationship? Am I biased b/c I was an old lady at 32 when I got married? Maybe, but I feel like more secure in who I am and what I need to be happy, in a way that I didn't know when I was in college or just graduated.
Here's the link to the CNN article.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
How to scare off women
This is a link from eharmony's dating blog. Since OkCupid hasn't been putting up new statistical blogs lately, I'm left with eharmony's blog, which actually isn't bad advice.
This is an article about the 7 ways dudes scare off women. A lot of these methods apply directly to nerds including Calling and Texting Her Too Much, Being a Space Invader, Revealing an Odd Hobby or Interest Too Soon, and Bad Manners. The first three that I've listed are from overeagerness and how sometimes geeks don't have a good sense of where to set our boundaries. The last one is probably more scary hygenie than actual bad manners. I'll probably elaborate more...someday...when I'm not so sleepy...
This is an article about the 7 ways dudes scare off women. A lot of these methods apply directly to nerds including Calling and Texting Her Too Much, Being a Space Invader, Revealing an Odd Hobby or Interest Too Soon, and Bad Manners. The first three that I've listed are from overeagerness and how sometimes geeks don't have a good sense of where to set our boundaries. The last one is probably more scary hygenie than actual bad manners. I'll probably elaborate more...someday...when I'm not so sleepy...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
More than just a number
I think a common misconception when dating is that you need to date around your age, or for girls, date a guy a couple years old and vice versa for guys. Guys also sometime have disturbing fantasies of dating like 18 year olds. I'm not sure what's up that? B/c think back to your high school days? I don't want to relive those.
Anyhow, here's my tip for what age to date. Which is, it has nothing to do with a number. I think it's about life phases. If you're looking a stable relationship and not a fling then you need to date someone who's in the same phase you are. If you're a student, dating student is fine. If you're a young professional, dating other young professionals is good. The problem is when people who are in career/start family mode start going out with people who are still in school. Their focus is in two different places.
I think one of the foundations of a good relationship is common goals. If one person's immediate goal is finals and graduating in a couple of years and the other person's goal is to have kids...these are pretty far apart. In the early stages it won't matter but unless someone is willing to put aside what they want for the other person, it will be very challenging to stay together.
For example you could both be 30 years old. One of you is established in your career. The other is still trying to finish college. You are not in the same places in your lives. It could work, but unless there is a strong plan to get on the same page, someone will end up sacrificing a lot for the other. Does this make sense?
I think one of the foundations of a good relationship is common goals. If one person's immediate goal is finals and graduating in a couple of years and the other person's goal is to have kids...these are pretty far apart. In the early stages it won't matter but unless someone is willing to put aside what they want for the other person, it will be very challenging to stay together.
For example you could both be 30 years old. One of you is established in your career. The other is still trying to finish college. You are not in the same places in your lives. It could work, but unless there is a strong plan to get on the same page, someone will end up sacrificing a lot for the other. Does this make sense?
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
It's not enough to be a geek...
But for these dating sites, you need to be a specific type of geek, wow!!!
This article includes dating sites for WoW Addicts, MacAddicts, Farmville fans, and Asexualitic (like Sheldon Cooper!).
For me, it's probably too much specificity, since I am a generalist geek rather than a hardcore Trekkie (Trekker?) but if you live and breathe one thing, it could work! I would worry about the dating pool being not very large though, be prepared to move if you do find true love.
This article includes dating sites for WoW Addicts, MacAddicts, Farmville fans, and Asexualitic (like Sheldon Cooper!).
For me, it's probably too much specificity, since I am a generalist geek rather than a hardcore Trekkie (Trekker?) but if you live and breathe one thing, it could work! I would worry about the dating pool being not very large though, be prepared to move if you do find true love.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Adventures in Speed Dating
First
a few clarifying statements. I know I’m married. I was not trolling
for guys. I was doing anthropological research only. I did not get any
contact information for any of the guys. I do not want to contact any of those guys. And my husband is better than
all the guys that were at the event.
Now I can move onto what I learned from my adventures in speed dating!
On Friday I visited a speed dating event in Hollywood for Asians (Click2Asia) with my brother and a friend. You did not need to be Asian but most of the attendees were. The event was scheduled to begin at 7:30 but didn’t actually start until 8:10 since they must be running on Asian Standard time. We signed in and received our numbers which would determine where you would sit during the event (for women) or start (for men).
While we got our drinks and waited for the event to start, some of the guys started schmoozing early. The event itself is very simple, every five minutes a guy rotates to the next numbered seat. So you have five minutes to talk to that person and decide if you would want to meet them again. They give you a paper and you can take notes and mark yes or no accordingly. At the end you turn in your paperwork and they’ll email you the contact info for people you said yes to and who also said yes back to you.
Tips:
1. Take notes on your dates. You’re going to be meeting a lot of people very quickly and don’t count on your amazing memory to pull you through. They give you paper and pencil, use them. Write their names down and something that will help you jog your memory of them. Write legibly. If you only circle yes or no, and you end up contacting each other, you don’t necessarily want to be reasking them the same questions b/c then you’ll look like a douchebag who didn’t take notes.
2. Make eye contact and smile at people. Ok, so you’re sitting next to someone you find deeply unattractive. You don’t have to marry them. You don’t even have to see them again after, but for goodness sake, be nice for five minutes and make some meaningless small talk. Certainly don’t read the paper in front of you when they’re asking questions. Don’t let your eyes wander all over the room b/c it looks like you’re tracking a fly around the room.
3. Don’t just pick the good looking people. Good looking people are probably going to have the most people picking them and some can be kinda DB-ish, so don’t just picked based on looks but how well you connected with them. I think you can find out if you have a basic chemistry with someone in a few minutes so if the conversation sucked, skip them, if you’re bored after five minutes, how are you going to sustain a relationship? But if when the bell rang you were trying to squeeze in a few more sentences, that’s probably a good sign and pick them, even if they aren’t the best looking guy or girl in the bunch, because I’ve said this before a lot, a good personality lasts a lot longer than good looks.
4. Dress nice but comfortably. If you don’t normally wear sexy clothes, don’t wear sexy clothes b/c you’ll spend the whole number making sure your dress isn’t riding up your ass. If you’re not sure what to wear, do get a more stylish friend to help you out. And no, matching is fine, you do not need to wear contrasting colors!
5. Don’t be a creeper. Staring at a girl’s boobs does not make you endearing to her. Telling her she’s amazingly beautiful is weird. (Uh, yeah this totally did not happen to me. Not even kidding.) Complimenting someone is really different from scaring the crap out of them. If you’re not sure what the line is between the two, maybe avoid the whole topic.
6. They will give you a list of “starter” questions to ask your date. If you have to resort to these, that’s already a bad sign. A good speed date conversation just flows naturally. If you’re struggling, maybe you just don’t have good chemistry.
7. Don’t drink too much. I believe these events often take places at restaurants or bars and alcohol is a social lubricant so if you’re a little nervous maybe have a little of something is ok. If you don’t usually drink or are a bad drinker, avoid avoid. If you turn Asian red, avoid. If you’re a lightweight, avoid. And lastly avoid smelling like alcohol, b/c it’s nasty as all hell. Do have some water with you b/c you are going to be talking for about an hour, so you don’t want to end up with dry spit mouth. Also it gives you something to do while you’re thinking of answers to questions.
Concluding thoughts, I think that if you have decent social skills, and aren’t bad looking you can meet people at speed dating. It’s basically an exercise to see if you have chemistry with someone and I think you can find out if you’d at least want to talk to someone again in five minutes. Save the ultimate compatibility questions for the actual date, this is just to see if there might be something. It turns out the three guys I had the most fun talking to would have wanted to meet up again, so it can work. But sometimes you will get a no for no fault of your own (they only want to date girls in their early 20s or they’re already married and are writing a blog about speed dating). I don’t think that if you don’t get a match you should give it up. If you had fun, try it again. If you think about it, it’s actually more efficient to do speed dating and cancel out a bunch of schmucks in five minute increments instead of wasting an entire dinner or coffee with them!
The bad news:
For some nerds (especially girls b/c most guys are shallow bastards) if you aren’t quite average looking, speed dating will be very difficult. This is an entire process built on first impressions. So unless you have the BEST personality in the world, you have a big uphill battle. If you are shy or have social skills that need work it will also be challenging. People who are shy may have a hard time making conversation. Geeks who lack social skills may not read cues to how the date is going and say really awkward things like, “They don’t have Latinas in Korea,” while staring at your boobs.
So I think ultimately while it can be a good way to meet potential dates, it is something where you need to evaluate yourself and see if it’s a good fit for you.
Now I can move onto what I learned from my adventures in speed dating!
On Friday I visited a speed dating event in Hollywood for Asians (Click2Asia) with my brother and a friend. You did not need to be Asian but most of the attendees were. The event was scheduled to begin at 7:30 but didn’t actually start until 8:10 since they must be running on Asian Standard time. We signed in and received our numbers which would determine where you would sit during the event (for women) or start (for men).
While we got our drinks and waited for the event to start, some of the guys started schmoozing early. The event itself is very simple, every five minutes a guy rotates to the next numbered seat. So you have five minutes to talk to that person and decide if you would want to meet them again. They give you a paper and you can take notes and mark yes or no accordingly. At the end you turn in your paperwork and they’ll email you the contact info for people you said yes to and who also said yes back to you.
Tips:
1. Take notes on your dates. You’re going to be meeting a lot of people very quickly and don’t count on your amazing memory to pull you through. They give you paper and pencil, use them. Write their names down and something that will help you jog your memory of them. Write legibly. If you only circle yes or no, and you end up contacting each other, you don’t necessarily want to be reasking them the same questions b/c then you’ll look like a douchebag who didn’t take notes.
2. Make eye contact and smile at people. Ok, so you’re sitting next to someone you find deeply unattractive. You don’t have to marry them. You don’t even have to see them again after, but for goodness sake, be nice for five minutes and make some meaningless small talk. Certainly don’t read the paper in front of you when they’re asking questions. Don’t let your eyes wander all over the room b/c it looks like you’re tracking a fly around the room.
3. Don’t just pick the good looking people. Good looking people are probably going to have the most people picking them and some can be kinda DB-ish, so don’t just picked based on looks but how well you connected with them. I think you can find out if you have a basic chemistry with someone in a few minutes so if the conversation sucked, skip them, if you’re bored after five minutes, how are you going to sustain a relationship? But if when the bell rang you were trying to squeeze in a few more sentences, that’s probably a good sign and pick them, even if they aren’t the best looking guy or girl in the bunch, because I’ve said this before a lot, a good personality lasts a lot longer than good looks.
4. Dress nice but comfortably. If you don’t normally wear sexy clothes, don’t wear sexy clothes b/c you’ll spend the whole number making sure your dress isn’t riding up your ass. If you’re not sure what to wear, do get a more stylish friend to help you out. And no, matching is fine, you do not need to wear contrasting colors!
5. Don’t be a creeper. Staring at a girl’s boobs does not make you endearing to her. Telling her she’s amazingly beautiful is weird. (Uh, yeah this totally did not happen to me. Not even kidding.) Complimenting someone is really different from scaring the crap out of them. If you’re not sure what the line is between the two, maybe avoid the whole topic.
6. They will give you a list of “starter” questions to ask your date. If you have to resort to these, that’s already a bad sign. A good speed date conversation just flows naturally. If you’re struggling, maybe you just don’t have good chemistry.
7. Don’t drink too much. I believe these events often take places at restaurants or bars and alcohol is a social lubricant so if you’re a little nervous maybe have a little of something is ok. If you don’t usually drink or are a bad drinker, avoid avoid. If you turn Asian red, avoid. If you’re a lightweight, avoid. And lastly avoid smelling like alcohol, b/c it’s nasty as all hell. Do have some water with you b/c you are going to be talking for about an hour, so you don’t want to end up with dry spit mouth. Also it gives you something to do while you’re thinking of answers to questions.
Concluding thoughts, I think that if you have decent social skills, and aren’t bad looking you can meet people at speed dating. It’s basically an exercise to see if you have chemistry with someone and I think you can find out if you’d at least want to talk to someone again in five minutes. Save the ultimate compatibility questions for the actual date, this is just to see if there might be something. It turns out the three guys I had the most fun talking to would have wanted to meet up again, so it can work. But sometimes you will get a no for no fault of your own (they only want to date girls in their early 20s or they’re already married and are writing a blog about speed dating). I don’t think that if you don’t get a match you should give it up. If you had fun, try it again. If you think about it, it’s actually more efficient to do speed dating and cancel out a bunch of schmucks in five minute increments instead of wasting an entire dinner or coffee with them!
The bad news:
For some nerds (especially girls b/c most guys are shallow bastards) if you aren’t quite average looking, speed dating will be very difficult. This is an entire process built on first impressions. So unless you have the BEST personality in the world, you have a big uphill battle. If you are shy or have social skills that need work it will also be challenging. People who are shy may have a hard time making conversation. Geeks who lack social skills may not read cues to how the date is going and say really awkward things like, “They don’t have Latinas in Korea,” while staring at your boobs.
So I think ultimately while it can be a good way to meet potential dates, it is something where you need to evaluate yourself and see if it’s a good fit for you.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Crippling Shyness
This
is a problem that I think affects a lot of us geeks. Some of us are
born shy and some have it thrust upon us through years of awkward social
interactions and rejection.
Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”. You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.
So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.
1. Practice, practice, practice. You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date. You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends. Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though). It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public. This is a good time to try “small talk”.
2. Remember geeks are cool now. If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed. And this may have traumatized you. But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills. When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is. That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.
3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.
4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now. PERIOD.
5. Not everyone is looking at you. I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too. Goodbye tap-dancing career! It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what? You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there. If they’re haters, they can go to hell.
6. Make eye contact and smile at people. This is good if you work with people. It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”. People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence. Is it lame to need validation from other human beings? Yes, but it’s important anyhow.
7. You have to want to change. If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool. But you need to be super honest with yourself too. If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy. That’s just chicken.
So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee. You can do it!!
Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”. You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.
So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.
1. Practice, practice, practice. You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date. You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends. Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though). It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public. This is a good time to try “small talk”.
2. Remember geeks are cool now. If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed. And this may have traumatized you. But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills. When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is. That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.
3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.
4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now. PERIOD.
5. Not everyone is looking at you. I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too. Goodbye tap-dancing career! It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what? You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there. If they’re haters, they can go to hell.
6. Make eye contact and smile at people. This is good if you work with people. It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”. People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence. Is it lame to need validation from other human beings? Yes, but it’s important anyhow.
7. You have to want to change. If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool. But you need to be super honest with yourself too. If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy. That’s just chicken.
So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee. You can do it!!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Respect
Respect is something very vital in relationships. And something you should look for in a partner. I think this is something that is missing in a lot of modern people who are too busy thinking about themselves and not enough about how their actions will effect other people.
In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy. If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future. I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging. And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings. Remember, emotionally stunted is bad. So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely!
And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute. Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful. This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person. So unless your grandmother died, you suck. Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag.
In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs. Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door?? Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit. Are they working crazy long overtime this week? Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time. Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you. Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!).
Really respect should be about the golden rule. Do you want someone to treat you like that? Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap? Hopefully not! So why would you do that to other people? Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect.
Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping. If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library). Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up. If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again. Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go. The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.
In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy. If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future. I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging. And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings. Remember, emotionally stunted is bad. So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely!
And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute. Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful. This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person. So unless your grandmother died, you suck. Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag.
In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs. Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door?? Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit. Are they working crazy long overtime this week? Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time. Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you. Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!).
Really respect should be about the golden rule. Do you want someone to treat you like that? Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap? Hopefully not! So why would you do that to other people? Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect.
Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping. If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library). Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up. If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again. Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go. The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.
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