After a semi-drunk night of watching the rather terrible movie Couple's Retreat, I have decided to write a huge pet peeve of mine which is when people expect their relationships to be in like the movies, all romantic and crap.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Who are you?
One of the things I've had to think about lately is identity. What makes you you. I self identify as many things, librarian, geek, dog owner, panda-hater. But is that all I am? No, there are more than just labels that make up what makes you unique.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Time: the Ravager
It's often said, "With time comes wisdom," however with that wisdom also comes other less positive things such as winkles, weight gain, white hair, and random aches and pains in your back.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
OkCupid enslaved (I mean purchased) by Match.com
There's been some stuff flying around the internet now that OkCupid has been purchased by Match.com for something like $50 million. Meaning one of the largest free dating sites is now owned by one of the largest not free dating sites. While Match.com CEO guy says that they intend to keep OkCupid free b/c it serves a different demographic than Match.com I'm not sure that OkCupid users will be best served by the purchase. As an independent company, it is it's own priority, but I would assume that Match.com as a subscription based company generates more revenue than any website which runs off of ad revenue. Therefore it's in Match's best interest to funnel OkCupid's users to Match.com. This article from the Atlantic says what we all just said.
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What's in a name?
In the world of online dating, your username along with your photo will be an important part of the first impression. Like managing your online presence on facebook or twitter, your username can create either a good or bad first impression. If the person you're contacting has several people they're hearing from and they all have neutral names, and your username is kirksexgod, then unless she's looking for a trekkie sex god, she's probably going to pass you by.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
Find me a find, catch me a catch! (from a song I learned in 6th grade)
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
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