Blind Dates with Famous Dudes

I was going to write about some other crap that I can't remember right now but I wanted to comment on the Gizmodo writer who met a guy on OkCupid and then found out it was he was a famous Magic:TG player and then got super weirded out by the whole thing.

Here's her original article.

The beginning of the article is fair.  There are a lot of sleezy ass dudes on OkCupid who either can't spell or are really drunk and can't spell.  She meets a normalish seeming dude and they exchange real names and she tells him to google her.  She forgets to google him.

They go on a date, from her retelling, it sounds ok, even though the took her to see a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. Serial killers aside, it sounded like they talked about normal stuff.  She did not say she didn't like him, but he mentions that he was a world champion of Magic and she googles him and promptly flips out.

To be fair, if I found out the guy I went on a date with was like the guy who created Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would probably also flip out.....but just not in the way she did.  She did not do a cute, fandom flip out.  She pulls a "I can't deal with it, he's so nerdy" flip out.  Which is really ironic since she works for a pretty nerdy website.  Doesn't she have coworkers who are geeks??  Is it really that unusual? Isn't she basically saying that she hates nerds??  She liked him enough initially go on a second date with him.  Or did she?  There is some debate as to whether she actually liked him or wanted more material for her article.

She says the moral of her story is that people need to disclose when they're nerds.  I think it was probably pretty clear that he's a nerd in his profile, and yeah, some things need to be disclosed but you don't need to mention every thing about your life.  When I read a profile you can pick up signs if someone is a geek.  Look at their hobbies, last book read, username.  Hell, ASK THEM.  But don't get all weirded out b/c someone didn't disclose that they play Magic, or are the world champion of Magic.  Not everyone wants to tell people that stuff right out.  I tell everyone I have to masters degrees b/c I'm an egomaniac, but not everyone is.

I say, stick with my original advice which is, if you're on a mainstream dating site and you don't mind finding someone who is more mainstream it's ok to not let your geek flag fly on your profile.  Don't hide it, Magic guy didn't, but just like you shouldn't headline your profile with "I <3 boobs" (even though it's probably true) you should not announce right out that you are an 85th level warlock.

I think more importantly than her idea that people disclose that they are nerds, people should disclose if they are biased against certain groups of people.  If you hate nerds, maybe YOU need to tell us that.  If you can't stand fantasy football, that's something that YOU should disclose.  Can't stand whistling, that's your issue, you tell us.  And then you'll look like the crazy person.  So indeed, why is the burden of disclosure on the geek?  Ha, riddle me that!

So, gizmodo lady, you are nuts.  If that date was bad, that's fair, but to judge so harshly for a man's hobbies is shallow.  It obviously wasn't the only thing he was able to talk about but did become the only thing that you were able to once you found out.  And I'm just going to be the bitch who says it, there's probably a good reason why you're still single...

Also, why do you get to write for a geeky website when you don't seem to like geeks very much?  I'll take your job!

Rushing the Process

If you're online dating, there's usually some hoops that need to be jumped through before you meet someone. It seems like a hassle but they are probably there for a reason.

In e-harmony there's an incredibly elaborate process before you actually get to freely message someone.  If both parties check and progress one step everyday, it would still take over a week before you can message.  It's a pain but if it's important to go through it, b/c if you're both honest when giving information and carefully reading posts, then you'll be able to weed out people who are not good matches.

Like in the previous post where I talk about the importance of reading, those steps are there to help you get to know each other beyond the typical, age, height, job, hobbies questions but discuss things that are also important like are you an introvert or extrovert, what are you life goals, do you like to travel, do you want kids?  Yes, you could find out those questions the old fashioned way (talking, OMG!) but if you have a goal of meeting a long term partner, do you want to find out you have a lot of personality and physical chemistry only to find out that one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to stay in their hometown??  (Ala Ted and Robin from HIMYM) I know some people like the excitement and the whirlwind romance but I'm for finding out as much as possible in the beginning so I know what I'm getting into.  

So if the dating site has a series of steps you need to take before sending you out into the meat market, take it seriously b/c some of us are, and if we wanted a free for all, we'd have joined match...or okcupid. 

Guaranteed Failure

Dating can be very challenging and annoying and you meet a lot of weirdos out there. Sometimes you want to give up, but giving up is the worst thing you can do b/c giving up on dating is the only you're guaranteed to fail. Since no one wants to become the crazy cat lady or the dude who still lives in his mom's basement it's important to keep trying even thought dating is not easy.

If you're having a rough time finding dates, it's ok to take a break and spend time with friends, explore hobbies, take some cooking classes like you've always wanted to. Improve yourself and your mental well being. Work on eating better and showering regularly. But that does not mean give up, it means work on yourself and maybe in a bit when you're feeling recharged, you'll have more success at dating. B/c just like if you play too much WoW, you can get burned out, going on too many bad dates can also burn out you. Or being rejected a lot will really burn you out too.


But the only people who are guaranteed to fail in love are the ones that give up entirely. I know of a lot of people who never leave their rooms except when necessary and are sad b/c they're alone. Dude, you're alone b/c you're in your room the entire time. It is highly unlikely you'll ever meet someone in your room, b/c even if you meet someone online, you'll have to leave your room at some point to see them. But anyhow, giving up = hermit life. And as much as nerds love to be antisocial, you still need some real human interaction to keep from becoming the next unibomber.

crap steaks

I've written about wallowing self pity before (I think) but let me elaborate on the topic...mostly b/c I'm running out of topics. :P

Life is often what you make of it. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives, but are you going to be ruled by the badness in your life or are you going to overcome it, learn from it, and get stronger? Or as I told a friend, "everyone has crap in their life, now are you going to let the crap rule you? or are you going to make steaks out of it?"

Wallowing gets you a couple of things, makes your friends and family want to smack you repeatedly, a reputation for being a downer, stagnates you in a a neverending mire of self pity and doesn't actually fix anything.

Now the making steaks method means that you'll be thinking critically about the situation, trying to resolve issues as much as possible, and trying to reduce the occurrence in the future. Even if you can't fix it, you have mentally prepared yourself for that situation so when it happens again, you won't be so jacked up about it.

In project management this is like the risk assessment section. There are four ways to deal with risk:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved)
Reduction (optimize - mitigate)
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure)
Retention (accept and budget)

You can use these in real life. You try to avoid problems, reduce their effect, get help when you need it, and lastly accept what's left. Whinging about your problems is certainly not part of risk assessment. I'm not opposed to a good gripe (and I've certainly participated in my fair share) but what happens after that is what is important. Are you going to continue griping or are you going to avoid, reduce, share, or accept the problem?

Here's a geekified example. You're in a gaming group with a troll. Not a literal goat-eating bridge-guarding troll but the kind of troll that likes to disrupt the group, make rude comments, argue with the gm etc. What do you do? Keep complaining about how sucky the guy is with the rest of your group when he's not around? (I'm saying he b/c I'd say that MOST gamers are guys, therefore MOST trolls would be guys too) Yeah, you could do that, but that doesn't actually solve anything.
To use risk assessment solutions you can:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved): quit the group yourself or disinvite him.
Reduction (optimize - mitigate): talk to him about his suckass behavior and hope he changes.
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure): Get him to join another group at the same time that doesn't have a problem with his behavior or bring someone in who can run interference.
Retention (accept and budget): let him stay and just know that he's a troll.

So ok, there is is. Making steak from poop or lemonade from lemons. It's all about using your prodigous nerd brains to make the best of a craptacular situation. And I'm only going to partially apologize for taking a super "male" perspective on trying to fix problems instead of the "female" perspective of empathizing with them. I've seen what empathy gets you, more crap, so yeah, fix the damn problems.

Why Reading Skills are Important

I was checking my old okcupid profile recently, basically b/c I use it to mine for ideas for this blog. Anyhow, I discovered I'm still getting the occasional sleezy message from guys. There is a big problem with that, basically b/c if the idiot had read my profile it would say a number of things that would lead you to probably not do that...

1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)

2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.

I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.)

It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.

I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.

Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.

Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.

If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.

So ok, there's my thought for the "week".

Outside Advice

Today's topic, outside advice. This refers to either solicited or unsolicited advice from friends and family about your relationship or lack thereof.

I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.

Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)

Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.

If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.

The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.

I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)

Ok, I'm outs.

Practice makes perfect

Sorry about the very late and sporadic posting these last few months—planning a wedding will do crazy things to your schedule, but I hope to get back to a semi regular posting schedule for my small but loyal readers, hearts to all three of you guys! :)

ok so enough about me—onto our topic: Practice practice practice!

Like most things, I think it's important to practice dating. Sure there are probably some ppl out there where dating is a natural process like baby horses standing minutes after birth, but face it,we're nerds so any kind of social activity is going to be a challenge.

Let me describe a typical geek scenario: you spot a cute guy or girl at your work or class (substitute any public place here). You may learn their name, exchange some pleasantries (probably not), and engage in some light internet stalking. This may continue for weeks, months, years! You never go further than pining from afar and dreaming about how awesome they are. Gentle reader, I assure you that all this info is gleaned from years of sociological studies of geek volunteers, and indeed not from personal experience whatsoever.

After an extraordinarily long period of time when they have finally broken up with their douchy bf or gf you finally ask them to “hang out” some time. Let's suppose in this version of reality they say yes. Fantastic yes? No! I say no b/c while they were experiencing the real world you were busy creating a fantasy version of them that no real person can match up to. This will lead to a lot of problems.

Other problems: you probably have not been dating others at this time and this is bad. Not all dating must lead to permanent relationships, sometimes you need to learn how you'll act while dating. There is a social etiquette that involves stupid things like remembering anniversaries, buying useless things for each other, and pretending to enjoy their hobbies and friends.

Also perhaps more importantly you will learn what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. Never realised you hate when ppl bite their nails? Well now you do! Don't mind socks all over the floor, good for you. All of these things are part of the learning process. Also you'll be better at spotting and ditching scumbags faster so you aren't left wondering why you dated that a-hole for a year and a half. (so a good friend tells me.)

Finally I think is the MOST important thing for geeks to learn is how to not be spazzy around ppl you like. This is for all the nerds who suffer from foot in mouth syndrome or act pompous like Ted Mosby or chatter endlessly or wear blue sun t-shirt to a first date b/c they think it's cool and will impress others (I am of course again only referring to observations I have made.) it is only with practice that you'll learn to not talk about your cute dog for the entire date or talk about how cool it is that a certain building was designed by an architect that no one has heard of. For geeks on the opposite side of the chatty spectrum, practice talking to ppl you aren't familiar with. For many woman I think they will assume a guy who says very little or has very short responses is not interested in them. Or that you're boring. Either way, bad news. Maybe they'll think you're a good listener if you're lucky but if you don't even know how to nod or make odd affirmative grunting noises at the correct spots in a conversation this is going to be a rough journey.

So lets recap the sitch, you've asked out someone you've liked for a long time and they've agreed to a date. Assuming they are the barrel of awesome you think they are, do you want to bring your A game or your “I haven't read the directions” game to that first date? You generally don't get redos on first impressions so do your homework beforehand and practice, practice, practice.