Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Public Displays of Affection

Imagine this: You've met a super cool person. You've hit it off and you're holding hands and kissing. This is great.

Now imagine like holding hands and kissing at like your D&D games. Maybe it's great for you two but think of the looks of horror coming from your friends. This is where we run into the PDA divide, where your focus is on your new significant other, and ours is on keeping our bile from rising.

(Oh god, that's just not attractive.)
In the beginning of a relationship, it's really easy to get caught up in the smooshy faced romance of it all. You want to be around them all the time, you want to know what they ate for lunch. You want to make out constantly. Again, that's great--for you two. If you don't know how to keep your lovey-doveyness in check, you're going to want to make your friends vomit when you tell them about how cute your new bf/gf's toes are.

If you want to keep your friends during this critical honeymoon period, remember a few things; there are other things in your life to talk about other than your significant other, please also talk those things. Second, keep your PDAs (kisses, hugs, cuddling) discreet and to a minimum. When you're alone, go wild, but in public keep it on the DL, your friends will thank you for it. Third, your friends don't really need to know all the dirty details of your love life. Also, it's a bit trashy to share personal information like that. Some things need to remain a mystery.

This is not to say that we're not disgustingly happy for you, b/c we are. But there is such a thing as too much information, and especially if your friends are not in a relationship or in a bad one, it can make them feel worse about their situation, so also be sensitive to other people's feelings (I know, I'm talking about being sensitive to other people? Shocking!!).

Ok, next week's topic, basic social skills! (b/c some of us just don't have them.)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Internet Stalking*

There is a fine art to internet stalking. The key is to find out information and yet not go so far as to hack their facebook passwords and read their private messages and do illegal bad things. You just want to find out what kind of information is publicity available about the person.

I think I'm actually fairly good at internet stalking...it's the combination of persistence and research skills. So I'm going to share some tips but also tell you why it's good and why it's bad to internet stalk people.

How to find someone if you know their first and last name:
First, start with a basic google search. This should be the beginning of any good internet stalking. We geeks are all familiar with google but play around with the different advanced google search settings. Things like "" are very important and can make a huge difference when searching.

Try common social networking sites to see if they're on it. You can try facebook, myspace (if they're like a weirdo and haven't switched to facebook yet!), or linkedin. A lot of these sites will also include pictures so you can confirm to see if it's the right person. If the picture is of like a dog or a tree, you might look at the friends list and see if it's someone they might know (particularly useful for finding old classmates.)

Other sites you can try are pipl, spokeo, and zabasearch. This is more useful if you want to find out information that's in their public records, places they lived, approximate age, scary scary things like that. Put your own name in and you might be scared at how much info people can find out from the internet...and yeah it might be not be 100% accurate but generally it's accurate enough to be scary.

What to do if you know their email:
You can try to google it of course, but also try social networking sites b/c sometimes you can search by email. Unless they used a different email when signing up.

What to do if you just know what they look like and have a first name:
And yes I totally found someone this way... I had a first name and I knew what they looked like and I knew where they worked and I found them on OkCupid. Granted I knew they were on OkCupid but still, considering OkCupid is not name searchable, disturbing in many ways. I googled the first name and the workplace and found public information that seemed plausible. Approximate age etc. It gave me a last name to search too. But on OkCupid I just put in the age, ethnicity, and probable location and just had to search through maybe 2 or 3 pages of results? Totally creepy and stalkery but it did work.

Anyhow, you can see how the combination of a little bit of information can get you pretty far.

Some of you may be asking, how can I avoid being found on these searches? Well don't put anything on the internet. If you have public facebook, linkedin page or flickr account tied to your actual name, you're that much easier to find. You can use a nickname or pseudonym on social networking so your friends might be able to find you, but be aware that if someone knows a friend of yours, they might be able to track you through them. I was actually found on LiveJournal this way. A friend of mine was googling our mutual friend and she found my account linked to hers! In this case, it was a good thing but you can see how you might not always want people to find you online. A smaller internet presence helps you hide.

You can also avoid buying property or other things that might trigger public records. What's weird is like on spokeo they don't list the house I actually purchased but my parents house. So yeah, not a 100% but still creepy.

I would like to reiterate that it's very important to control your online presence. Google yourself periodically and see what can be found. Make your social networking sites information private and only available to friends. Use alternative emails and names when signing up for things on the internet. This can protect you from stalkers but also for more mundane things like keeping a future employer from seeing photos of your drunken escapades at a bachelor party.

Why Internet Stalking is Good:
B/c as nerds, sometimes we're too shy to find out things from people directly and we want to do some research ahead of time. I know I love doing internet research! But internet stalking is a way to find someone that you might be interested in talking to more but totally couldn't do it at the social event or you just plain forgot to get their contact info. Basically the less work you had to do, the less creepy it is and it's more likely they'll talk to you. Unless of course they're flattered that you did all that work b/c you were interested. It's really a fine line between flattery and disturbing--tread carefully.

Sometimes you also find out useful information...like that bastard is already married! There was a news report about how recently a woman facebooked her husband and discovered that he had gotten married...again! You can also find out if they're drinking when they aren't supposed to (Lindsay Lohan), that the purse full of drugs they said wasn't theirs totally is (Paris Hilton) etc etc. They say they don't have kids but surprise, they totally are crawling with babies in photos.

Why Internet Stalking is Bad:
But again, like with any power, there is responsibility.

You need to not stalk your exes. It doesn't help anybody to find out too much information about your exes and pretty much anything you find out is going to feel like a kick in the gut, especially in the early stages of breaking up.

You should never hack someone's account by trying to guess their passwords or whatever. It's immoral and serves no purpose other than being a jerk. You going to spy on them? Change their information? Make them realize that they do love you? Not going to happen, keep your integrity. Don't do it.

B/c nerds never need more excuses to obsess over things. We examine the minutiae of like everything. I don't think trying to find out what elementary school someone you haven't met went to is going to lend itself to great insight into the viability of your future relationship. Don't over think it, just be chill.

And along those lines, back to over-analyzing. You've spied on someone and you've found incriminating pictures (or information) of them. Dun dun dun! Who's that girl? Whose baby is that? Why does he look really really red in those pictures? Well don't break up with them just yet. We know a lot of people are internet liars, but don't go searching for excuses to ditch the dude. Don't jump to conclusions...that baby could be their niece or friend's kid (if they said they're childless) and that girl could be a sister or cousin or just a friend. That redness could just be a really bad sunburn. The thing about information on the internet, unless you're reading their diary, pictures and such are context-less. You don't know what happened before or after.

So yes, there are benefits and downsides to internet stalking. Use this power wisely and don't get carried away. But I think the most important lesson is to control your own internet information so embarrassing pictures like: don't get spread around the internet.


*When I'm talking about internet stalking, I'm not referring to the creepy illegal kind that warrants a restraining order. I'm talking about stuff that an employer or future date would do to find out what kind of person you are. If you're doing the bad kind, you suck and you make us all look bad and I hope the cops arrest you.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Speed Dating

usually need to pay. or fill out some psyche profile thing if thought a school.

There is always a level of BS in these posts, especially since I'm not an expert on dating or whatever (maybe I'm a nerd expert though) but today's might have an extra special amount of BSing and speculation since the topic is speed dating which I have never done. (I was going to try it for research purposes but I didn't want to spend the money!!)

Why am I writing about something I never tried? B/c someone asked me too and b/c it is an interesting topic and I've read some stuff on it and talked to some friends about their experiences and seen a bunch of examples on tv. Hee!

So here's the breakdown for people who don't know what speed dating is, generally speed dating is broken up into age categories like 20-30, 30-40 etc. When you attend an event there should be at least dozens of people there. When the dates start, women usually sit in a row and men rotate every 5-8 minutes (the amount of time depends on the venue). In those 5-8 minutes or so, you are expected to introduce basic information and essentially gauge your interest in meeting this person again. You mark yes or no next to their name on a card. If you both have marked yes, at the end of the event, the organizers will share your contact info.

Sounds like a good way to meet a lot of potential dates right? Yes and no. I think that for geeks, speed dating isn't a great way for us to find potential dating partners. Most of the time, we aren't impressive in first impressions and speed dating is all about first impressions. Our strength lies in the fact that we're good people and that takes a while to become evident. Also part of first impressions is being really good looking (again think of Chase from that episode of House). Not that we're bad looking, I'm just saying that geek shirts and pale skin from being indoors isn't necessarily prized.

I think that online dating is probably a better venue for us since it provides us time to put up better photos of ourselves and we have more time to think about responses rather than being super witty on the fly. And for people who are more introverted and used to communicating electronically, meeting people online can be more comforting.

I don't think speed dating is necessarily cheaper than online dating either. I've heard there are free speed dating things at universities sometimes. In exchange for the event, you have to fill out a survey or something. And I've heard that a library in southern Orange County also hosted a free speed dating event too about a year ago, but when I did some research to possibly attend an event, it looked like most places charge about $35 to register for an event.

So in my opinion, I think save your $35 and stay home from speed dating. Unless you're outgoing with good social skills and pretty good looking, I think that speed dating is not an effective way for geeks to meet people.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Don't Keep Dating Bums

This is a sad sad situation that I see all too often, people who stay with obviously bummish partners. If you're partner is a bum, you need to dump 'em and find someone who is worthy of you! Geeks, just b/c you are a geek doesn't mean bums should be tolerated. Quirky and nerdy is NOT the same as being a bum.

*I'm totally going to use the grammatically incorrect "they" instead of he/she etc b/c it's just too bulky. We need some non gender specific pronouns in English!
**Note, also English grammar isn't not a forte (I'm sure you've noticed this already) so if the above statement is incorrect, shut up b/c you know what I mean. :P

How to spot a bum:
Bums can be spotted b/c they generally share a couple of traits.
1) They are generally chronically unemployed or underemployed. The exception to this is that now b/c of the economy it is hard for people to find and keep good jobs, so if they were just laid off but before they had decent jobs that doesn't count. I'm talking about people who have never worked full time or always complain about how crappy and mean their bosses are right before they get fired for being lazy and incompetent.

2) Their mom still does their laundry (or housekeeping or grocery shopping or they still live at home and mom does everything for them). Yeah it's great having someone take care of you, but if they're an adult, they need to learn to do these things on their own. B/c if they don't learn, it's going to be you cleaning up after them in the future and that sucks ass.

3) You end up paying for everything. And I mean everything, food, movies, their rent. It's related to chronic joblessness but there are bums that work (even if it's a crap job) and they still seem to never have any money. I mean they have enough money to buy a vintage guitar that they can't play but they don't have the money for groceries. Basically being super irresponsible with money and credit is a bum quality.

4) They hate all of your friends and family and the feeling is mutual. This is a big deal. I mean sometimes your friends and family will be weird and not like someone for no reason but if EVERYBODY can't stand the guy, that's a problem. It's not all jealousy. It's probably b/c he/she treats you like crap and badmouths you constantly. Same goes for if they badmouth your friends all the time, obviously everyone sucks but they are pure awesome. (yeah right.)

5) They can't seem to finish what they start. People who have lots of awesome ideas but don't do anything about them and complain about why the world is so unfair to them or people who have been in community college for 10 years b/c "the class I need is always full." These are just symptoms of their larger problem which is bummishness. They can't finish anything b/c they're unmotivated and when things go wrong it's not b/c they didn't register for class on time after oversleeping, it's always the system and someone trying to mess up their life.

To sum up, what makes a bum? Callousness, disrespect for other people, and a lack of responsibly for anything in their life.

The ways in which they ruin our lives:
1) Sucking us dry of our money, energy, friendships, happiness.

2) Causing rifts between you and your friends and family.

Why do we stay with bums?

1) Because we're lonely and we think we can't do better. Maybe you haven't dated in a while and they happen to want you. Well technically they just want a wallet and a couch, it just so happens you're willing to supply both. Bums don't improve your self esteem, you're so much better than that. It's better to be single and happy than raising a man-child.

2) Co-dependency. Now this is a real psychology thing which I'm not qualified to discuss but I think that some people will cling to anybody b/c they can't bare to be alone. Please get help, you'll be happier in the long run.

3) B/c you've been with them forever and you love each other. Staying together b/c you've been together a long time is like a circular and non-logical argument. I say it's better to cut your losses and get out of there instead of wasting your youth, money, and energy on crappy people.

4) B/c they need your help. Dude, you do not need to be a white knight. You are not saving them. They can't be saved b/c they don't want to be saved. They're just using you and your foolish gallantry. Bums aren't people who've fallen on hard times, they generate their own problems, so you save yourself and move on. This also goes for people who think they can reform bums. Why would a bum reform when they can keep behaving like they are and get everything they want? It's stupid. You can't change people if they don't want to change. Quit kidding yourself.

How can friends intervene?
This is very tricky grounds. If your friend is the bum there isn't a lot you can do. I mean b/c if you try to warn the other person, they're going to think you're backstabbing them...well b/c you kinda are, no matter how much they might deserve it.
If your friend is dating a bum, you can try talking to them but likely they're going to be irrational and not do anything about it even though they probably complain constantly. I've tried staging interventions (we did everything but the sign!) and that didn't even work. So tread very carefully in this arena.

Summation:
Being a bum is a non discriminatory problem. Geeks, jocks, goths, emo-kids, popular people can all be bums (probably there are more bum stoner-types and less bum overachievers though.) Just b/c someone plays Magic or watching anime does not qualify them as a bum. Being all of the above while watching anime and spending all their money on Magic cards does make them a bum.

So don't date bums, and if you're dating a bum, stop dating them. Go and find someone not crappy b/c you're better than that.
(same goes for crazy girls, don't stay with the crazy girls!!!!)