Friday, January 29, 2010
Profile Picture advice from okcupid!
This blog post from okcupid contradicts a lot of the info I put in my first post! :P but actually it does make sense, having a compelling picture of a body part (not like the crotch though) can be effective as well. So I guess it's not a strict contradiction but elaborates upon my idea which was present yourself accurately. :P
Thursday, January 28, 2010
eHarmony has to change!
This is an article about how eHarmony will now have to provide services for the GLBT community. Very interesting and about time too.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Desperate
Desperation. We've all felt it. But nothing is worse for destroying what could be potentially a great relationship (except perhaps smelling like a sewer or bringing your mom on the first date) than being overly desperate.
Desperation can emerge if you haven't dated for a while and you really want a girlfriend again. Desperation can emerge if you've liked someone for a long time and you're finally going out for the first time. Basically desperation is really really bad.
Why is it bad? B/c girls can totally tell you're desperate. You'll probably be extra nervous, and try waaaaay too hard and while we want you to be nice, we also don't want you to be all awkward and nervous sweaty. Desperate will drive us away b/c it's scary.
So here's how not to be desperate, be happy with yourself and your life before you start going out. You need to like who you are as a person. Your life should not revolve around how miserable and alone you are. Hang out with your friends, enjoy your hobbies. Think about the movie I Love You Man. The main character needed to find a guy friend before he could be a complete human people. Happy people are people we want to be around, not people who are waiting for a girlfriend to complete them. My general advice, a girl is not going to fill the void in your soul. I think a lot of times when people are emotionally healthy and ready to find someone, they will but if you date before then, even if you end up together, it might not be a very healthy relationship.
If you find yourself in a situation where you're pseudo dating a girl that you've liked for a long time, don't scare her off. You may already be friends and know the her pretty well but don't go in with a huge amount of expectations b/c knowing someone as a friend versus as a date is very different. I've known relationships that were doomed b/c one of the people involved just had completely unrealistic ideas of how things would be and couldn't resolve the reality versus what he had built up in his head. This totally happened to me (and I was not guilt free of desperation either) and seriously, bad news all around! So take it easy, and let things evolve naturally.
Also if you were friends beforehand, remember that for a lot of girls, we have to transition you from friend group to more than friend group and that can take some time. Don't assume just b/c it's maybe more than a date that she's ready for like making out and holding hands and grand romantic gestures right away. I think a lot of guys can be friends with a girl they like. Girls tend to separate their feelings from their guy friends...they like you like a friend, not as a potential dating partner. So they need time to think of you in a different framework. Don't push things b/c you'll just push them away.
Desperation can emerge if you haven't dated for a while and you really want a girlfriend again. Desperation can emerge if you've liked someone for a long time and you're finally going out for the first time. Basically desperation is really really bad.
Why is it bad? B/c girls can totally tell you're desperate. You'll probably be extra nervous, and try waaaaay too hard and while we want you to be nice, we also don't want you to be all awkward and nervous sweaty. Desperate will drive us away b/c it's scary.
So here's how not to be desperate, be happy with yourself and your life before you start going out. You need to like who you are as a person. Your life should not revolve around how miserable and alone you are. Hang out with your friends, enjoy your hobbies. Think about the movie I Love You Man. The main character needed to find a guy friend before he could be a complete human people. Happy people are people we want to be around, not people who are waiting for a girlfriend to complete them. My general advice, a girl is not going to fill the void in your soul. I think a lot of times when people are emotionally healthy and ready to find someone, they will but if you date before then, even if you end up together, it might not be a very healthy relationship.If you find yourself in a situation where you're pseudo dating a girl that you've liked for a long time, don't scare her off. You may already be friends and know the her pretty well but don't go in with a huge amount of expectations b/c knowing someone as a friend versus as a date is very different. I've known relationships that were doomed b/c one of the people involved just had completely unrealistic ideas of how things would be and couldn't resolve the reality versus what he had built up in his head. This totally happened to me (and I was not guilt free of desperation either) and seriously, bad news all around! So take it easy, and let things evolve naturally.
Also if you were friends beforehand, remember that for a lot of girls, we have to transition you from friend group to more than friend group and that can take some time. Don't assume just b/c it's maybe more than a date that she's ready for like making out and holding hands and grand romantic gestures right away. I think a lot of guys can be friends with a girl they like. Girls tend to separate their feelings from their guy friends...they like you like a friend, not as a potential dating partner. So they need time to think of you in a different framework. Don't push things b/c you'll just push them away.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Starting Conversation with Strangers
There are a lot of tips out there for how to start a conversation with a stranger. While this is primarily a dating website, this information can be used in tons of real life situations, parties, workplaces, shindigs. So let’s get ready to pretend to have social skills!
A lot of the tips I’ve been reading say one of the best ways to strike up a less threatening conversation with a stranger is to talk about a third thing. Don’t talk about you or the other person, instead talk about another subject, object, or person. This is when people might refer to a recent movie, piece of news, a book she’s holding, the person they were invited by to the party, the weather but unless there’s been tornadoes out, this is a little boring. Don’t mention if her hair looks pretty or anything like that, even if her hair totally does look pretty, b/c it’s too personal for a conversation starter.
A lot of the tips I’ve been reading say one of the best ways to strike up a less threatening conversation with a stranger is to talk about a third thing. Don’t talk about you or the other person, instead talk about another subject, object, or person. This is when people might refer to a recent movie, piece of news, a book she’s holding, the person they were invited by to the party, the weather but unless there’s been tornadoes out, this is a little boring. Don’t mention if her hair looks pretty or anything like that, even if her hair totally does look pretty, b/c it’s too personal for a conversation starter.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
To Date a Geek or Non-Geek?
This is the age old question, older than “which came first, the chicken or the egg”; should nerds date non-nerds? Mixed status dating can have it benefits but can also bring complications as well. There are no right answers obviously in this complicated issue, but I’ll be sure as heck to share my opinion on this topic! :P
The simple answer would be, no nerds should stick to dating nerds, like with like. And actually this is what I have done. All of my serious relationships have been with people who could easily be classified as nerds if they didn’t already self identify as such. I’ve also dated some people who would be considered asocial but really while asocial behavior can come with the nerd package, being asocial does not a nerd make. Of course dating a nerd does not mean a relationship will automatically succeed, but I think that having a group of common interests can a foundation to start a friendship on and it’s important to also consider the person you date to be a friend too.
Dating a geek means you generally will have more in common: hobbies, fanboy/girl tendencies, social skill levels etc. This is very useful b/c it’s convenient if the person understands your pop culture references. It’s frustrating to have to explain what a wookie sounds like (unfortunately I can’t do the roar).
You’re probably also going to have similar habits, nocturnal lifestyles, regular visits to bookstores/comic bookstores/game stores, and enjoy staying in. (total nerd stereotypes here, you bet! Am I totally this person, you bet!) This is also very convenient.
But for guys anyhow, finding a nerd girl can be difficult. I don’t have any numbers on this, I tried finding some online but I couldn’t find any other than stuff on the percent of women going into IT and science fields. But if you go into the average geek haven, the aforementioned game stores, comicbook stores, sf/fantasy aisles of your local bookstore, there generally aren’t very many women. I have noticed that if you go to anime stores, there are more women but I don’t think I could say they are majority there either. Anyhow, all this leads to, there is a shortage of geek women. And also making it worse, not only are there fewer of us, but we tend to hide in our little nerd caves.
So since you can’t find a geek girl, you might be tempted to wander away from your kind. I have friends who have made this mixed relationships work and I have friends who have tried and crashed and burned in the effort.
I think the key is if you date a non-geek you must find:
1) Someone geek tolerant. Meaning that even if they aren’t going to play WoW with you, they understand your need to play the game. This is someone who isn’t going to get on your case and ask when you’re going to “grow up and quit playing” but they might understandably get upset if you were to ignore them to raid or play obsessively.
2) Someone who allows you to have your geek outlets. Again, if they don’t want to game with you, they will allow you to spaz out periodically with your geeky friends. This is probably also someone who isn’t going to call every 30 minutes when you’re in the middle of a D&D game.
3) Someone who shares your enthusiasm for something. You will probably have to have some other similar passions. Is it a love for beers or sports or musicals? I think if she is also a fangirl for something, they are more likely to be ok with your fan obsessiveness.
4) Someone who respects you and your hobbies. This is really just an important trait for anyone, not just nerds. The person you date shouldn’t be ashamed of you or what you do in your spare time. If they like you, they should like all of you. So this means that if you’re out in public and you want to wear your Star Trek uniform, they should be ok with it b/c this is who you are. You shouldn’t have to lie to her parents or friends about what you do on the weekends.
So there are a lot of benefits to dating a fellow nerd, but with a little more effort, dating a non-nerd can work. I just don’t do it b/c I’m lazy plus dating a geek means he can help you with your html. :)
The simple answer would be, no nerds should stick to dating nerds, like with like. And actually this is what I have done. All of my serious relationships have been with people who could easily be classified as nerds if they didn’t already self identify as such. I’ve also dated some people who would be considered asocial but really while asocial behavior can come with the nerd package, being asocial does not a nerd make. Of course dating a nerd does not mean a relationship will automatically succeed, but I think that having a group of common interests can a foundation to start a friendship on and it’s important to also consider the person you date to be a friend too. Dating a geek means you generally will have more in common: hobbies, fanboy/girl tendencies, social skill levels etc. This is very useful b/c it’s convenient if the person understands your pop culture references. It’s frustrating to have to explain what a wookie sounds like (unfortunately I can’t do the roar).
You’re probably also going to have similar habits, nocturnal lifestyles, regular visits to bookstores/comic bookstores/game stores, and enjoy staying in. (total nerd stereotypes here, you bet! Am I totally this person, you bet!) This is also very convenient.
But for guys anyhow, finding a nerd girl can be difficult. I don’t have any numbers on this, I tried finding some online but I couldn’t find any other than stuff on the percent of women going into IT and science fields. But if you go into the average geek haven, the aforementioned game stores, comicbook stores, sf/fantasy aisles of your local bookstore, there generally aren’t very many women. I have noticed that if you go to anime stores, there are more women but I don’t think I could say they are majority there either. Anyhow, all this leads to, there is a shortage of geek women. And also making it worse, not only are there fewer of us, but we tend to hide in our little nerd caves.
So since you can’t find a geek girl, you might be tempted to wander away from your kind. I have friends who have made this mixed relationships work and I have friends who have tried and crashed and burned in the effort.
I think the key is if you date a non-geek you must find:
1) Someone geek tolerant. Meaning that even if they aren’t going to play WoW with you, they understand your need to play the game. This is someone who isn’t going to get on your case and ask when you’re going to “grow up and quit playing” but they might understandably get upset if you were to ignore them to raid or play obsessively.
2) Someone who allows you to have your geek outlets. Again, if they don’t want to game with you, they will allow you to spaz out periodically with your geeky friends. This is probably also someone who isn’t going to call every 30 minutes when you’re in the middle of a D&D game.
3) Someone who shares your enthusiasm for something. You will probably have to have some other similar passions. Is it a love for beers or sports or musicals? I think if she is also a fangirl for something, they are more likely to be ok with your fan obsessiveness.
4) Someone who respects you and your hobbies. This is really just an important trait for anyone, not just nerds. The person you date shouldn’t be ashamed of you or what you do in your spare time. If they like you, they should like all of you. So this means that if you’re out in public and you want to wear your Star Trek uniform, they should be ok with it b/c this is who you are. You shouldn’t have to lie to her parents or friends about what you do on the weekends.
So there are a lot of benefits to dating a fellow nerd, but with a little more effort, dating a non-nerd can work. I just don’t do it b/c I’m lazy plus dating a geek means he can help you with your html. :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
Flirting advice for the ladies
This is not me at all, since I'm barely at girl when it comes to flirting, but this is an interesting article I came across. It's mostly for women to use but I think guys can try to adapt some of the tips...particularly, a negative complement won't get you very far. That Mystery guy on VH1 is a moron.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Social Tips for Geeks (Part 2)
Continuing the lessons!
6. Temporarily let go of the urge to achieve absolute precision in speaking
What they mean here is like numerical precision when describing stuff. I know a lot of nerds and they don’t really do this, so maybe this is something that he does, or his group of friends do but I think this is something that’s probably not a huge deal. If you do it, just remember, estimates are ok in general conversation. If you’re calculating something for NASA, we want precision, but not necessarily during a casual conversation.
7. Don't correct anyone even when they're incorrect or imprecise
This is very true, I know it bothers me when people use the wrong word or tell a story incorrectly and I want to correct them so bad, and actually usually I do, but that doesn’t mean you should. If you want people to like you (and I only sorta care if people like me) then don’t correct people all the time b/c then you seem like an annoying brainac. Even if you really are an annoying brainac, you don’t want to see one to a group of strangers.
8. Don't use words that an 8th grader doesn't understand
Ok, I think this is incredibly condescending. I don’t think that b/c someone is a non-geek that makes them an idiot. They just aren’t a geek. And as evidenced by tip 5, there may be things that you don’t know that they do, it’s just different stuff, not better or worse. So yeah, don’t use all small words b/c that’s dumb, but don’t use the most elaborate words in your vocabulary b/c then you’ll just come off as a pompous ass.
9. If somebody asks you about your job or hobbies, answer in one sentence.
I don’t think this is necessary. You probably don’t need to go into crazy detail about your job, but don’t assume that if you work with computers or whatever that they won’t understand. When you talk about your hobbies, just don’t turn into a squid and you should be ok. Also, try to mention the more socially acceptable ones. If you dress up like a vampire once a week and drink blood, maybe talk about your music collection instead. It’s not not being you…it’s just highlighting the more socially accepted version of you.
10. If everyone around is enjoying the ambient music, background live performance, etc., don't jump in with any analysis
Don’t kill the mood. That’s my final word on this.
11. Never start a sentence with "Did you know that ..."
See number 8 about being a pompous ass.
12. Never start a sentence with "You should really ..."
See number 8 about being a pompous ass.
6. Temporarily let go of the urge to achieve absolute precision in speaking
What they mean here is like numerical precision when describing stuff. I know a lot of nerds and they don’t really do this, so maybe this is something that he does, or his group of friends do but I think this is something that’s probably not a huge deal. If you do it, just remember, estimates are ok in general conversation. If you’re calculating something for NASA, we want precision, but not necessarily during a casual conversation.
7. Don't correct anyone even when they're incorrect or imprecise
This is very true, I know it bothers me when people use the wrong word or tell a story incorrectly and I want to correct them so bad, and actually usually I do, but that doesn’t mean you should. If you want people to like you (and I only sorta care if people like me) then don’t correct people all the time b/c then you seem like an annoying brainac. Even if you really are an annoying brainac, you don’t want to see one to a group of strangers.
8. Don't use words that an 8th grader doesn't understand
Ok, I think this is incredibly condescending. I don’t think that b/c someone is a non-geek that makes them an idiot. They just aren’t a geek. And as evidenced by tip 5, there may be things that you don’t know that they do, it’s just different stuff, not better or worse. So yeah, don’t use all small words b/c that’s dumb, but don’t use the most elaborate words in your vocabulary b/c then you’ll just come off as a pompous ass. 9. If somebody asks you about your job or hobbies, answer in one sentence.
I don’t think this is necessary. You probably don’t need to go into crazy detail about your job, but don’t assume that if you work with computers or whatever that they won’t understand. When you talk about your hobbies, just don’t turn into a squid and you should be ok. Also, try to mention the more socially acceptable ones. If you dress up like a vampire once a week and drink blood, maybe talk about your music collection instead. It’s not not being you…it’s just highlighting the more socially accepted version of you.
10. If everyone around is enjoying the ambient music, background live performance, etc., don't jump in with any analysis
Don’t kill the mood. That’s my final word on this.
11. Never start a sentence with "Did you know that ..."
See number 8 about being a pompous ass.
12. Never start a sentence with "You should really ..."
See number 8 about being a pompous ass.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Social Tips for Geeks (Part 1)
Social tips for Geeks
This is a very interesting blog that a friend of mine sent me on social tips for geeks. I read it and I do agree with some of the points but I found some of it condescending and so I wanted to put my own spin on the topic. I’m going to use his tips and then add my own comments after them. Read his blog for his version.
This is some guidelines if you’ve been invited to a social event where most of the people there will be non-geeks and they don’t already know you. This could be a family event or work event etc.
1. Recognize that people will know you are a geek from the moment they meet you
This is often true. If you’ve been invited by a significant other, they may have heard information about you already and your WoW addiction has already been revealed. However, even if they have not heard anything about you, by your somewhat awkward wallflower positioning, they can probably tell you’re a geek (and that’s ok!).
2. Don't try to change people's preconceived notions of geeks
I agree with this too. Just like old people who try to be hip with the teenagers, it doesn’t work. If they think geeks are already cool, then you can chill, but if they seem like they aren’t very familiar with geek culture, don’t try to introduce them to it. I know from experience that explaining to someone’s grandparents what D&D is and that it’s not evil doesn’t work and just makes you seem weirder. Be happy being yourself and if they aren’t cool with geek culture, that’s their loss but don’t shove it down their throats.
3. Don't get too comfortable and start being yourself
Here’s where I think the author goes off a bit. I think it’s important to not get crazy excited about explaining vast details about your half dragon bard to your boss, but you shouldn’t have to not be yourself. Or rather, don’t be someone you’re not. I know that sounds really confusing though.
4. Try to talk as little as possible, and when you do speak, only ask superficial questions
I think there you should instead of not talking, try to talk normally about things that are more common topics. Big tentpole movies are enjoyed by non-geeks as well and so if you saw one or are going to see one, that’s probably an ok subject to broach as long as you don’t squid out on the topic. I know we geeks get enthused about certain subjects but it can seem really odd to others, so yeah, don’t act like an excited chipmunk.
5. But don't ask questions about things that normal people should know
This assumes that all geeks have no contact with the outside world and on a certain level, sometimes we don’t know which rehab Lindsay Lohan happens to be in, but I’m going to give you guys more credit than that.
6-12 tomorrow!!!
This is a very interesting blog that a friend of mine sent me on social tips for geeks. I read it and I do agree with some of the points but I found some of it condescending and so I wanted to put my own spin on the topic. I’m going to use his tips and then add my own comments after them. Read his blog for his version.
This is some guidelines if you’ve been invited to a social event where most of the people there will be non-geeks and they don’t already know you. This could be a family event or work event etc.
1. Recognize that people will know you are a geek from the moment they meet you
This is often true. If you’ve been invited by a significant other, they may have heard information about you already and your WoW addiction has already been revealed. However, even if they have not heard anything about you, by your somewhat awkward wallflower positioning, they can probably tell you’re a geek (and that’s ok!).
2. Don't try to change people's preconceived notions of geeks
I agree with this too. Just like old people who try to be hip with the teenagers, it doesn’t work. If they think geeks are already cool, then you can chill, but if they seem like they aren’t very familiar with geek culture, don’t try to introduce them to it. I know from experience that explaining to someone’s grandparents what D&D is and that it’s not evil doesn’t work and just makes you seem weirder. Be happy being yourself and if they aren’t cool with geek culture, that’s their loss but don’t shove it down their throats.
3. Don't get too comfortable and start being yourself
Here’s where I think the author goes off a bit. I think it’s important to not get crazy excited about explaining vast details about your half dragon bard to your boss, but you shouldn’t have to not be yourself. Or rather, don’t be someone you’re not. I know that sounds really confusing though.
4. Try to talk as little as possible, and when you do speak, only ask superficial questions
I think there you should instead of not talking, try to talk normally about things that are more common topics. Big tentpole movies are enjoyed by non-geeks as well and so if you saw one or are going to see one, that’s probably an ok subject to broach as long as you don’t squid out on the topic. I know we geeks get enthused about certain subjects but it can seem really odd to others, so yeah, don’t act like an excited chipmunk.
5. But don't ask questions about things that normal people should know
This assumes that all geeks have no contact with the outside world and on a certain level, sometimes we don’t know which rehab Lindsay Lohan happens to be in, but I’m going to give you guys more credit than that.
6-12 tomorrow!!!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Differences Between Dating Sites (Part 2)
2010!!! Woot!
Match.com is another one of the big services. You pay a monthly fee and there are a lot of people on Match but I think Match although it's paid, you are competing with a lot of other guys for the attention of a few women b/c there is no limit to the amount of people you can message in a day. I don't know what the ratio of men to women on it is but probably there are more guys on the site and more of them are messaging more women than women are messaging men. This is the way of the online dating world. A guy friend of mine found Match very frustrating for this very fact, that you're going to send out a ton of messages and get very very few responses. Knowing that women are going to get inundated with tons of messages, if you choose to test those waters, you are going to have to make your profile and messages really outstanding. The other problem is there is no great way to evaluate the other person on match other than their picture and what they choose to put in their profile. So you might be intrigued by someone who writes for a magazine, however, they forgot to mention that they're really high strung and like to go out all time when you're a giant chill homebody. Or in my brother's case, he just dates a string of crazy girls from Match.
Geek2Geek and Shaadi are two specialty online dating sites. Geek2Geek is by geeks for geeks and I like the idea that you very specifically say what kind of geek you are. My worry is that, just b/c you both love the same geeky things, doesn't automatically mean you'll get along. But on the other hand, you'll be sure to meet someone who appreciates those geeky qualities in you and is probably used to slightly asocial behaviors. Shaadi is an Indian Matrimony website. Websites like this or like JDate or other very specific online dating services cater to people who are very particular about the kind of people they want to meet. I dunno if I would use this kind of dating service but if having who shares the same background/values as you is very important to you, this might be the kind of service for you. Just look around, there are a ton of different kinds, my friend even told me about a kind where you can just meet like firefighters and police for those people who love people in uniform. But the thing to remember about these kinds of dating services is the more specific and niche you’re getting the smaller the pool is. You may meet the most awesome person ever, but they also might live across the country from you, so be prepared for long distance relationships.
Chemistry I have not used, but friends who have say it's somewhat similar to Eharmony b/c it provides the matches for you and I've had friends who have had success with it.
There are as I mentioned, a lot of these online dating websites. I would generally stick to the larger ones just b/c you have more people that you could meet from it, also I just read a book where some kid runs a scam dating website but it’s all him pretending to be the other person online (for anyone interested in that book, that’s only part of the story of Evil Genius by Catherine Jinks, pretty interesting book.).
Ok, any comments, things to add? Other experiences with different online dating services?
Match.com is another one of the big services. You pay a monthly fee and there are a lot of people on Match but I think Match although it's paid, you are competing with a lot of other guys for the attention of a few women b/c there is no limit to the amount of people you can message in a day. I don't know what the ratio of men to women on it is but probably there are more guys on the site and more of them are messaging more women than women are messaging men. This is the way of the online dating world. A guy friend of mine found Match very frustrating for this very fact, that you're going to send out a ton of messages and get very very few responses. Knowing that women are going to get inundated with tons of messages, if you choose to test those waters, you are going to have to make your profile and messages really outstanding. The other problem is there is no great way to evaluate the other person on match other than their picture and what they choose to put in their profile. So you might be intrigued by someone who writes for a magazine, however, they forgot to mention that they're really high strung and like to go out all time when you're a giant chill homebody. Or in my brother's case, he just dates a string of crazy girls from Match.
Geek2Geek and Shaadi are two specialty online dating sites. Geek2Geek is by geeks for geeks and I like the idea that you very specifically say what kind of geek you are. My worry is that, just b/c you both love the same geeky things, doesn't automatically mean you'll get along. But on the other hand, you'll be sure to meet someone who appreciates those geeky qualities in you and is probably used to slightly asocial behaviors. Shaadi is an Indian Matrimony website. Websites like this or like JDate or other very specific online dating services cater to people who are very particular about the kind of people they want to meet. I dunno if I would use this kind of dating service but if having who shares the same background/values as you is very important to you, this might be the kind of service for you. Just look around, there are a ton of different kinds, my friend even told me about a kind where you can just meet like firefighters and police for those people who love people in uniform. But the thing to remember about these kinds of dating services is the more specific and niche you’re getting the smaller the pool is. You may meet the most awesome person ever, but they also might live across the country from you, so be prepared for long distance relationships. Chemistry I have not used, but friends who have say it's somewhat similar to Eharmony b/c it provides the matches for you and I've had friends who have had success with it.
There are as I mentioned, a lot of these online dating websites. I would generally stick to the larger ones just b/c you have more people that you could meet from it, also I just read a book where some kid runs a scam dating website but it’s all him pretending to be the other person online (for anyone interested in that book, that’s only part of the story of Evil Genius by Catherine Jinks, pretty interesting book.).
Ok, any comments, things to add? Other experiences with different online dating services?
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