Crippling Shyness

This is a problem that I think affects a lot of us geeks.  Some of us are born shy and some have it thrust upon us through years of awkward social interactions and rejection.  


Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”.  You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.  

So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.

1. Practice, practice, practice.  You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date.  You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends.  Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though).  It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences.  Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public.  This is a good time to try “small talk”.  

2. Remember geeks are cool now.  If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed.  And this may have traumatized you.  But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills.  When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is.  That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.

3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.  

4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now.  PERIOD.

5. Not everyone is looking at you.  I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too.  Goodbye tap-dancing career!  It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what?  You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there.  If they’re haters, they can go to hell.  

6. Make eye contact and smile at people.  This is good if you work with people.  It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”.  People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence.  Is it lame to need validation from other human beings?  Yes, but it’s important anyhow.  

7. You have to want to change.  If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool.  But you need to be super honest with yourself too.  If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy.  That’s just chicken.  

So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee.  You can do it!! 

Respect

Respect is something very vital in relationships.  And something you should look for in a partner. I think this is something that is missing in a lot of modern people who are too busy thinking about themselves and not enough about how their actions will effect other people. 

In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy.  If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future.  I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging.  And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings.  Remember, emotionally stunted is bad.  So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely! 

And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute.  Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful.   This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person.  So unless your grandmother died, you suck.  Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag. 

In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs.  Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door??  Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit.  Are they working crazy long overtime this week?  Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time.  Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you.  Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!). 

Really respect should be about the golden rule.  Do you want someone to treat you like that?  Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap?  Hopefully not!  So why would you do that to other people?  Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect. 

Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping.  If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library).  Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up.  If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again.  Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go.  The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.