Non-Negotiable Social Requirements

Otherwise known as social skills. The classic geek will lack even basic social skills and although we tend to be smart, not having social skills can severely hamper our work, school, and personal lives.

Let's talk about the "classic geek". This is the person who can't look people in the eye, won't say hello, doesn't answer or only mumbles answers, can't make small talk, and has issues dealing with "normal" people. Most geeks aren't this bad (hopefully) but I think social geeks end up like Neil Patrick Harris and doing theater or magic and not playing video games in a basement.

Social skills are important. You'll need them to get through school less bullied (too late for most of us), for job interviews and getting along with coworkers and customers, for meeting and dating people, for joining new gaming groups, etc. I think a lot of geeks think that the basic social lubricants like saying hi to people is just a waste of time and technically that's true. The world would not explode if everyone didn't say hi to each other...but I've discovered (since my mom told me) that people will think you're mean if you don't say hi and make small talk occasionally, even if you're not mean but just busy or distracted or shy or hyper rational. Your coworkers and customers don't care if you think saying hi, how are you doing is a waste of time since there's no actual meaning to the words, it's an expected social behavior...like showering. Even if you don't think it's necessary, it is if you want to live among people.

This is a true story, when I first started working at Bank of America I worked in the file facility. I saw the same people everyday and it was not with customers. My mom who also worked for the bank told me that she said that people thought I was not nice and I said why? B/c to me, I didn't do anything wrong, I got to work, I sat at my desk and did my job. She said it was b/c I didn't smile at people in the hallway and say hi to people. I responded, it doesn't matter!! There's no meaning to it! We're just here to do a job! and she said, yeah but you have to work with these people, so just do it. And so I did and even though technically I was no better or worse of an employee, the perception of me was better at work, and that would have been useful if I had wanted to transfer departments or get a job recommendation (instead I got laid out when the entire department was outsourced a couple of years later but that's beside the point).

My fiance has a similar story from when he worked doing IT, a client talked to him and told him basically the same thing...that you have to at least pretend to care about other people and what they think. I will agree that it is a lot more efficient if you could just relate facts about work project instead of having to make small talk, but not all of people are task oriented and some people are people oriented. Here's an article on task versus people oriented-ness. I would hazard a guess that most geeks are task oriented, I know I tend to lean towards task oriented and that used to get me into trouble a lot at work b/c I just want to get shit done and sometimes I forgot that sometimes just throwing jobs at people hurts their feelings.

So totally stealing from that article, here's some tips for how to work with people oriented people.

• 1) Acknowledge their feelings
  While you may “think” your way through problems, recognize that they often “feel” their way through them. They may even “feel” about things that you see as purely factual (money or time for example).
  
  
• 2) Soften your voice tones
  Task oriented people often speak in direct and factual tones. Lighten up. Smile. Relax. Your effort to come across “nicer” will probably help them receive your message more clearly.
  
  
• 3) Exercise patience with them
  If they are heavily slanted towards the people oriented perspective, they may struggle with reaching a decision that impacts other people. Remember that they are probably not trying to irritate you. Most likely, they just don’t want anyone to be offended or hurt by their actions.
  

So far I've covered how social skills are important at work and you could apply that basically to anywhere you have to be, like school. Now let's talk about social skills among personal relationships: dating and friendships.

When you're with friends and let's assume your friends are also geeks, then there is some flexibility in your behavior. They'll probably be used to heated discussions of which Green Lantern is the best (yay Kyle Raynor!) so that's not an issue. But just b/c they're your friends, doesn't mean you can be a total dick to them either. If you're going to get into debates, it's ok to disagree, what kind of debate would it be if you all agreed? Anyhow, the key is to keep it civil and leave personal things out of it. If you debate ends up with personal statements like, "you're stupid," it's gone too far, and it's best to just end the debate/argument before a fist fight starts.

Aside from work (which is very important b/c we all need money except for those independently wealthy types and you guys need to talk to me!) social skills for dating is very important. Again unless you're lucky enough to date another geek, you'll probably need to be able to "pass" for normal long enough to sucker them into thinking that your geeky traits are quirky and cute.

So for dating, make sure to check in on them periodically but don't stalk them by texting every 10 minutes. Ask how their day was, even if you don't care, although really you should. Be empathetic or fake empathy. Don't always try to solve the problem, just listening is good too. Do little things so they know you're thinking of them and that this isn't just some booty call type relationship and that you appreciate them.

Here's the thing to take away from all this, we love geeks--I am a geek, but having the inability to interact with other people can be a huge liability for your social life, friendships and career (trust me on this). Retain your geeky awesomeness but make sure that you at least work your basic social skills in public.