Why Reading Skills are Important

I was checking my old okcupid profile recently, basically b/c I use it to mine for ideas for this blog. Anyhow, I discovered I'm still getting the occasional sleezy message from guys. There is a big problem with that, basically b/c if the idiot had read my profile it would say a number of things that would lead you to probably not do that...

1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)

2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.

I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.)

It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.

I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.

Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.

Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.

If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.

So ok, there's my thought for the "week".

Outside Advice

Today's topic, outside advice. This refers to either solicited or unsolicited advice from friends and family about your relationship or lack thereof.

I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.

Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)

Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.

If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.

The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.

I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)

Ok, I'm outs.