Crippling Shyness

This is a problem that I think affects a lot of us geeks.  Some of us are born shy and some have it thrust upon us through years of awkward social interactions and rejection.  


Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”.  You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.  

So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.

1. Practice, practice, practice.  You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date.  You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends.  Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though).  It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences.  Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public.  This is a good time to try “small talk”.  

2. Remember geeks are cool now.  If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed.  And this may have traumatized you.  But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills.  When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is.  That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.

3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.  

4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now.  PERIOD.

5. Not everyone is looking at you.  I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too.  Goodbye tap-dancing career!  It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what?  You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there.  If they’re haters, they can go to hell.  

6. Make eye contact and smile at people.  This is good if you work with people.  It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”.  People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence.  Is it lame to need validation from other human beings?  Yes, but it’s important anyhow.  

7. You have to want to change.  If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool.  But you need to be super honest with yourself too.  If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy.  That’s just chicken.  

So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee.  You can do it!! 

Respect

Respect is something very vital in relationships.  And something you should look for in a partner. I think this is something that is missing in a lot of modern people who are too busy thinking about themselves and not enough about how their actions will effect other people. 

In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy.  If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future.  I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging.  And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings.  Remember, emotionally stunted is bad.  So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely! 

And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute.  Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful.   This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person.  So unless your grandmother died, you suck.  Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag. 

In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs.  Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door??  Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit.  Are they working crazy long overtime this week?  Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time.  Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you.  Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!). 

Really respect should be about the golden rule.  Do you want someone to treat you like that?  Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap?  Hopefully not!  So why would you do that to other people?  Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect. 

Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping.  If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library).  Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up.  If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again.  Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go.  The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.

Vicky Mendoza diagonal

I may have written this before but it's been a while so tough noogies.  :D

This is a very stolen yet super relavent idea from HIMYM, the Vicky Mendoza diagonal.  All apologies to people actually named Vicky Mendoza.  

First let me give you the gist of the vicky mendoza diagonal.  Essentially it means that the crazier you are, the more hot you have to be to be worth dating.  Therefore hot girls can get away with a lot of craziness and not so hot girls will have to have good personalities. Is this totally bitchy and unfair?  Yes, but guys are visual (and oftentimes shallow) creatures and so it does have some truth to it. 

How is this related to dating?  Well the advice to the geek guy is this, yes, you want hot...oftentimes they come with crazy as well and you're probably willing to put up with it.  But here's the kicker, if you stay together long term, she's going to become less hot over time and will probably stay the same amount of crazy if not become more crazy.  So she would fall dramatic below the diagonal into the no fly zone.  And no plastic surgery won't help, b/c then she'll end up looking like Heidi Montag and yeah that's not hot at all. 

Long story short, don't date crazy, b/c looks fade, but crazy remains forever. 

PS- This is goes for good looking yet bastardish guys, if they're a jerk, now, do you really think they're going to get better over time?  You can't change them!!  Your love will not cure them! 

Asking the Important Questions

Blind Dates with Famous Dudes

I was going to write about some other crap that I can't remember right now but I wanted to comment on the Gizmodo writer who met a guy on OkCupid and then found out it was he was a famous Magic:TG player and then got super weirded out by the whole thing.

Here's her original article.

The beginning of the article is fair.  There are a lot of sleezy ass dudes on OkCupid who either can't spell or are really drunk and can't spell.  She meets a normalish seeming dude and they exchange real names and she tells him to google her.  She forgets to google him.

They go on a date, from her retelling, it sounds ok, even though the took her to see a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. Serial killers aside, it sounded like they talked about normal stuff.  She did not say she didn't like him, but he mentions that he was a world champion of Magic and she googles him and promptly flips out.

To be fair, if I found out the guy I went on a date with was like the guy who created Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would probably also flip out.....but just not in the way she did.  She did not do a cute, fandom flip out.  She pulls a "I can't deal with it, he's so nerdy" flip out.  Which is really ironic since she works for a pretty nerdy website.  Doesn't she have coworkers who are geeks??  Is it really that unusual? Isn't she basically saying that she hates nerds??  She liked him enough initially go on a second date with him.  Or did she?  There is some debate as to whether she actually liked him or wanted more material for her article.

She says the moral of her story is that people need to disclose when they're nerds.  I think it was probably pretty clear that he's a nerd in his profile, and yeah, some things need to be disclosed but you don't need to mention every thing about your life.  When I read a profile you can pick up signs if someone is a geek.  Look at their hobbies, last book read, username.  Hell, ASK THEM.  But don't get all weirded out b/c someone didn't disclose that they play Magic, or are the world champion of Magic.  Not everyone wants to tell people that stuff right out.  I tell everyone I have to masters degrees b/c I'm an egomaniac, but not everyone is.

I say, stick with my original advice which is, if you're on a mainstream dating site and you don't mind finding someone who is more mainstream it's ok to not let your geek flag fly on your profile.  Don't hide it, Magic guy didn't, but just like you shouldn't headline your profile with "I <3 boobs" (even though it's probably true) you should not announce right out that you are an 85th level warlock.

I think more importantly than her idea that people disclose that they are nerds, people should disclose if they are biased against certain groups of people.  If you hate nerds, maybe YOU need to tell us that.  If you can't stand fantasy football, that's something that YOU should disclose.  Can't stand whistling, that's your issue, you tell us.  And then you'll look like the crazy person.  So indeed, why is the burden of disclosure on the geek?  Ha, riddle me that!

So, gizmodo lady, you are nuts.  If that date was bad, that's fair, but to judge so harshly for a man's hobbies is shallow.  It obviously wasn't the only thing he was able to talk about but did become the only thing that you were able to once you found out.  And I'm just going to be the bitch who says it, there's probably a good reason why you're still single...

Also, why do you get to write for a geeky website when you don't seem to like geeks very much?  I'll take your job!

Rushing the Process

If you're online dating, there's usually some hoops that need to be jumped through before you meet someone. It seems like a hassle but they are probably there for a reason.

In e-harmony there's an incredibly elaborate process before you actually get to freely message someone.  If both parties check and progress one step everyday, it would still take over a week before you can message.  It's a pain but if it's important to go through it, b/c if you're both honest when giving information and carefully reading posts, then you'll be able to weed out people who are not good matches.

Like in the previous post where I talk about the importance of reading, those steps are there to help you get to know each other beyond the typical, age, height, job, hobbies questions but discuss things that are also important like are you an introvert or extrovert, what are you life goals, do you like to travel, do you want kids?  Yes, you could find out those questions the old fashioned way (talking, OMG!) but if you have a goal of meeting a long term partner, do you want to find out you have a lot of personality and physical chemistry only to find out that one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to stay in their hometown??  (Ala Ted and Robin from HIMYM) I know some people like the excitement and the whirlwind romance but I'm for finding out as much as possible in the beginning so I know what I'm getting into.  

So if the dating site has a series of steps you need to take before sending you out into the meat market, take it seriously b/c some of us are, and if we wanted a free for all, we'd have joined match...or okcupid. 

Guaranteed Failure

Dating can be very challenging and annoying and you meet a lot of weirdos out there. Sometimes you want to give up, but giving up is the worst thing you can do b/c giving up on dating is the only you're guaranteed to fail. Since no one wants to become the crazy cat lady or the dude who still lives in his mom's basement it's important to keep trying even thought dating is not easy.

If you're having a rough time finding dates, it's ok to take a break and spend time with friends, explore hobbies, take some cooking classes like you've always wanted to. Improve yourself and your mental well being. Work on eating better and showering regularly. But that does not mean give up, it means work on yourself and maybe in a bit when you're feeling recharged, you'll have more success at dating. B/c just like if you play too much WoW, you can get burned out, going on too many bad dates can also burn out you. Or being rejected a lot will really burn you out too.


But the only people who are guaranteed to fail in love are the ones that give up entirely. I know of a lot of people who never leave their rooms except when necessary and are sad b/c they're alone. Dude, you're alone b/c you're in your room the entire time. It is highly unlikely you'll ever meet someone in your room, b/c even if you meet someone online, you'll have to leave your room at some point to see them. But anyhow, giving up = hermit life. And as much as nerds love to be antisocial, you still need some real human interaction to keep from becoming the next unibomber.