Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find TRUE LOVE
by Patti Novak and Laura Zigman
Patti Novak is another matchmaker who had a tv show recently and she's written a book on getting out of your own way when you're dating.
I'll summarize the important parts for us busy nerds.
* Need to be honest with yourself when looking for dates. You need to know who you are and know what you're looking for and basically if you're holding out for Kristen Bell to date you, you're going to be waiting a long time. While we all love us some Veronica Mars, maybe you need to settle for a less cute girl who has some good snark to her.
* Get over your past history. Ok we've all got baggage, bad families, relationships, attacked by bears, whatever. You gotta let it go to an extent. Don't be all crazy bitter about things. I know that bear hurt you, but you survived and now you know that when you're camping to not leave poptarts in your tent. People can sense when people have crazy issues and we don't want to be around sad sacks or angry bitter people generally. So learn from it, and move on towards something better.
* Really evaluate yourself. This goes back to my theory of, you need to know who you are. If you know what is causing your problems, get help, stop doing it, whatever it takes to move past it. If you're disturbing shy and awkward that is not going to help you in the dating world. Not everyone is going to meet someone who is willing to overlook the inability to look you in the eye. Find out what might have caused the problem and work on it. If you don't know what caused it, work on it. WORK ON IT.
* Her three keys to a healthy relationship: common sense, self-esteem, and kindness.
It makes sense, it's simple and if you think about it, these three things will get you really far in your dating life and work life and friendships. Basically I think these things are non-negotiables.
* Change what you can change that you don't like about yourself. Pretty simple.
* Internet dating, this is where I really disagree with her. She says that internet dating is not good. I think she's generally dealing with non-nerds though. I understand what she means when she says that people shouldn't stay in an internet relationship forever b/c if you're shy, it can be a crutch or whatever but it's a very good way to meet people and to help try and prescreen them.
*There's also quite a lot on not dating narcissists. From everything I've read on narcissistic personality types, they are the one type of people who won't change, and in their opinion, they don't need to change, there's nothing wrong with them. This is a list of things totally stolen from the super authoritative wikipedia.
"The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
* They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.
* They very rarely talk about their inner life - for example their memories and dreams.
* There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
* They feel that rules at work don't apply to them.
* Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.
* They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
* They constantly use "I", "me" and "my" when they talk.
* If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion's share yourself.
* They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.
* They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
* Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.
* During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.
* They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.
* Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring)
They just sound like awful awful people to be around, so if you think you're dating someone with this, run run away, b/c they'll bring you pain. (hey, I'm only a fake narcissist!)
Ok, that's my summary, now you don't have to read the book! :)
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Your life is not a romcom
After a semi-drunk night of watching the rather terrible movie Couple's Retreat, I have decided to write a huge pet peeve of mine which is when people expect their relationships to be in like the movies, all romantic and crap.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Who are you?
One of the things I've had to think about lately is identity. What makes you you. I self identify as many things, librarian, geek, dog owner, panda-hater. But is that all I am? No, there are more than just labels that make up what makes you unique.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Time: the Ravager
It's often said, "With time comes wisdom," however with that wisdom also comes other less positive things such as winkles, weight gain, white hair, and random aches and pains in your back.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
OkCupid enslaved (I mean purchased) by Match.com
There's been some stuff flying around the internet now that OkCupid has been purchased by Match.com for something like $50 million. Meaning one of the largest free dating sites is now owned by one of the largest not free dating sites. While Match.com CEO guy says that they intend to keep OkCupid free b/c it serves a different demographic than Match.com I'm not sure that OkCupid users will be best served by the purchase. As an independent company, it is it's own priority, but I would assume that Match.com as a subscription based company generates more revenue than any website which runs off of ad revenue. Therefore it's in Match's best interest to funnel OkCupid's users to Match.com. This article from the Atlantic says what we all just said.
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What's in a name?
In the world of online dating, your username along with your photo will be an important part of the first impression. Like managing your online presence on facebook or twitter, your username can create either a good or bad first impression. If the person you're contacting has several people they're hearing from and they all have neutral names, and your username is kirksexgod, then unless she's looking for a trekkie sex god, she's probably going to pass you by.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
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