I've written about wallowing self pity before (I think) but let me elaborate on the topic...mostly b/c I'm running out of topics. :P
Life is often what you make of it. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives, but are you going to be ruled by the badness in your life or are you going to overcome it, learn from it, and get stronger? Or as I told a friend, "everyone has crap in their life, now are you going to let the crap rule you? or are you going to make steaks out of it?"
Wallowing gets you a couple of things, makes your friends and family want to smack you repeatedly, a reputation for being a downer, stagnates you in a a neverending mire of self pity and doesn't actually fix anything.
Now the making steaks method means that you'll be thinking critically about the situation, trying to resolve issues as much as possible, and trying to reduce the occurrence in the future. Even if you can't fix it, you have mentally prepared yourself for that situation so when it happens again, you won't be so jacked up about it.
In project management this is like the risk assessment section. There are four ways to deal with risk:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved)
Reduction (optimize - mitigate)
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure)
Retention (accept and budget)
You can use these in real life. You try to avoid problems, reduce their effect, get help when you need it, and lastly accept what's left. Whinging about your problems is certainly not part of risk assessment. I'm not opposed to a good gripe (and I've certainly participated in my fair share) but what happens after that is what is important. Are you going to continue griping or are you going to avoid, reduce, share, or accept the problem?
Here's a geekified example. You're in a gaming group with a troll. Not a literal goat-eating bridge-guarding troll but the kind of troll that likes to disrupt the group, make rude comments, argue with the gm etc. What do you do? Keep complaining about how sucky the guy is with the rest of your group when he's not around? (I'm saying he b/c I'd say that MOST gamers are guys, therefore MOST trolls would be guys too) Yeah, you could do that, but that doesn't actually solve anything.
To use risk assessment solutions you can:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved): quit the group yourself or disinvite him.
Reduction (optimize - mitigate): talk to him about his suckass behavior and hope he changes.
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure): Get him to join another group at the same time that doesn't have a problem with his behavior or bring someone in who can run interference.
Retention (accept and budget): let him stay and just know that he's a troll.
So ok, there is is. Making steak from poop or lemonade from lemons. It's all about using your prodigous nerd brains to make the best of a craptacular situation. And I'm only going to partially apologize for taking a super "male" perspective on trying to fix problems instead of the "female" perspective of empathizing with them. I've seen what empathy gets you, more crap, so yeah, fix the damn problems.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Why Reading Skills are Important
I was checking my old okcupid profile recently, basically b/c I use it to mine for ideas for this blog. Anyhow, I discovered I'm still getting the occasional sleezy message from guys. There is a big problem with that, basically b/c if the idiot had read my profile it would say a number of things that would lead you to probably not do that...
1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)
2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.
I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.)
It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.
I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.
Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.
Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.
If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.
So ok, there's my thought for the "week".
1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)
2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.
I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.) It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.
I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.
Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.
Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.
If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.
So ok, there's my thought for the "week".
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Outside Advice
Today's topic, outside advice. This refers to either solicited or unsolicited advice from friends and family about your relationship or lack thereof.
I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.
Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)
Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.
If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.
The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.
I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)
Ok, I'm outs.
I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.
Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)
Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.
If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.
The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.
I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)
Ok, I'm outs.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Practice makes perfect
Sorry about the very late and sporadic posting these last few months—planning a wedding will do crazy things to your schedule, but I hope to get back to a semi regular posting schedule for my small but loyal readers, hearts to all three of you guys! :)
ok so enough about me—onto our topic: Practice practice practice!
Like most things, I think it's important to practice dating. Sure there are probably some ppl out there where dating is a natural process like baby horses standing minutes after birth, but face it,we're nerds so any kind of social activity is going to be a challenge.
Let me describe a typical geek scenario: you spot a cute guy or girl at your work or class (substitute any public place here). You may learn their name, exchange some pleasantries (probably not), and engage in some light internet stalking. This may continue for weeks, months, years! You never go further than pining from afar and dreaming about how awesome they are. Gentle reader, I assure you that all this info is gleaned from years of sociological studies of geek volunteers, and indeed not from personal experience whatsoever.
After an extraordinarily long period of time when they have finally broken up with their douchy bf or gf you finally ask them to “hang out” some time. Let's suppose in this version of reality they say yes. Fantastic yes? No! I say no b/c while they were experiencing the real world you were busy creating a fantasy version of them that no real person can match up to. This will lead to a lot of problems.
Other problems: you probably have not been dating others at this time and this is bad. Not all dating must lead to permanent relationships, sometimes you need to learn how you'll act while dating. There is a social etiquette that involves stupid things like remembering anniversaries, buying useless things for each other, and pretending to enjoy their hobbies and friends.
Also perhaps more importantly you will learn what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. Never realised you hate when ppl bite their nails? Well now you do! Don't mind socks all over the floor, good for you. All of these things are part of the learning process. Also you'll be better at spotting and ditching scumbags faster so you aren't left wondering why you dated that a-hole for a year and a half. (so a good friend tells me.)
Finally I think is the MOST important thing for geeks to learn is how to not be spazzy around ppl you like. This is for all the nerds who suffer from foot in mouth syndrome or act pompous like Ted Mosby or chatter endlessly or wear blue sun t-shirt to a first date b/c they think it's cool and will impress others (I am of course again only referring to observations I have made.) it is only with practice that you'll learn to not talk about your cute dog for the entire date or talk about how cool it is that a certain building was designed by an architect that no one has heard of. For geeks on the opposite side of the chatty spectrum, practice talking to ppl you aren't familiar with. For many woman I think they will assume a guy who says very little or has very short responses is not interested in them. Or that you're boring. Either way, bad news. Maybe they'll think you're a good listener if you're lucky but if you don't even know how to nod or make odd affirmative grunting noises at the correct spots in a conversation this is going to be a rough journey.
So lets recap the sitch, you've asked out someone you've liked for a long time and they've agreed to a date. Assuming they are the barrel of awesome you think they are, do you want to bring your A game or your “I haven't read the directions” game to that first date? You generally don't get redos on first impressions so do your homework beforehand and practice, practice, practice.
ok so enough about me—onto our topic: Practice practice practice!
Like most things, I think it's important to practice dating. Sure there are probably some ppl out there where dating is a natural process like baby horses standing minutes after birth, but face it,we're nerds so any kind of social activity is going to be a challenge.
Let me describe a typical geek scenario: you spot a cute guy or girl at your work or class (substitute any public place here). You may learn their name, exchange some pleasantries (probably not), and engage in some light internet stalking. This may continue for weeks, months, years! You never go further than pining from afar and dreaming about how awesome they are. Gentle reader, I assure you that all this info is gleaned from years of sociological studies of geek volunteers, and indeed not from personal experience whatsoever.
After an extraordinarily long period of time when they have finally broken up with their douchy bf or gf you finally ask them to “hang out” some time. Let's suppose in this version of reality they say yes. Fantastic yes? No! I say no b/c while they were experiencing the real world you were busy creating a fantasy version of them that no real person can match up to. This will lead to a lot of problems.
Other problems: you probably have not been dating others at this time and this is bad. Not all dating must lead to permanent relationships, sometimes you need to learn how you'll act while dating. There is a social etiquette that involves stupid things like remembering anniversaries, buying useless things for each other, and pretending to enjoy their hobbies and friends.
Also perhaps more importantly you will learn what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. Never realised you hate when ppl bite their nails? Well now you do! Don't mind socks all over the floor, good for you. All of these things are part of the learning process. Also you'll be better at spotting and ditching scumbags faster so you aren't left wondering why you dated that a-hole for a year and a half. (so a good friend tells me.)
Finally I think is the MOST important thing for geeks to learn is how to not be spazzy around ppl you like. This is for all the nerds who suffer from foot in mouth syndrome or act pompous like Ted Mosby or chatter endlessly or wear blue sun t-shirt to a first date b/c they think it's cool and will impress others (I am of course again only referring to observations I have made.) it is only with practice that you'll learn to not talk about your cute dog for the entire date or talk about how cool it is that a certain building was designed by an architect that no one has heard of. For geeks on the opposite side of the chatty spectrum, practice talking to ppl you aren't familiar with. For many woman I think they will assume a guy who says very little or has very short responses is not interested in them. Or that you're boring. Either way, bad news. Maybe they'll think you're a good listener if you're lucky but if you don't even know how to nod or make odd affirmative grunting noises at the correct spots in a conversation this is going to be a rough journey.
So lets recap the sitch, you've asked out someone you've liked for a long time and they've agreed to a date. Assuming they are the barrel of awesome you think they are, do you want to bring your A game or your “I haven't read the directions” game to that first date? You generally don't get redos on first impressions so do your homework beforehand and practice, practice, practice.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
What's Gender Got to Do with It?
Anyhow, apologies for such a late late late post and the sporadic posting. I hate when life gets in the way of hobbies. :)
*disclaimer, may be really insulting to some, read at your own risk, go be a troll somewhere else*
Today's topic, gender roles. (Did I talk about this already?) The cultural anthropologist in me wants to say that gender is a social construction and roles are determined by society and the biological anthropologist wants to say that gender roles are determined by biology. Well I think there's truth to both of those statements and also neither of them. I think that there is certainly aspects of gender that are biologically determined such as who gives birth. We have not yet mastered the science of impregnating Austrian bodybuilders yet. And there are culturally determined roles that men and women are suppose to play. In Western culture, that typically means, manly men who are tough and are protectors and providers. And women who are pliant and nurturing and caretakers. (Unless there's a bunch of emo hipster metrosexual guys in which case, I don't think tough really describes a guy in skinny jeans.)
Nothing wrong with those roles...if you WANT to follow them. But there are plenty of people who don't fall into those molds and they do just fine. It's increasingly common to see lady CEOs and househusbands.
Now in relationships, it's up to the people involved to determine if they want to follow traditional gender roles. Back in ye olden days of the 50s and 60s, many men worked and women stayed home to raise the family and feed the husband and bring him his slippers. But even back then, there were women who worked although generally in traditional "pink collar" jobs such as teaching, nursing, librarianship, or clerical. Today there are many studies which say that women are consistently attaining higher educations than men and are using those educations in careers. Personally, I did not get two masters degrees so I can stay home and make babies. I respect people who do stay home and raise families but staying at home makes me feel nauseous (I'm not kidding, I literally feel sick if I'm home all day) but I know there are a lot of other women whose careers are very important to them and while they love their families too, it's not their entire identity. (Wow I sound like a jerk to all the housewives/husbands out there, I don't mean to, but I'm just trying to clarify my own thoughts too).
So what does this mean? It means that it's you and your sig other that need to determine how you want to live, split up household and child care responsibilities. Men don't have to be the deciders and women the followers. We're not a hunting gathering society anymore. We're a sit in an office at a computer society and both sexes can do that equally well.
In conclusion, don't tie me down by my XX chromosomes, I'm more than just two little letters. Plus, it's none of your god damn business. >:P
*disclaimer, may be really insulting to some, read at your own risk, go be a troll somewhere else*
Today's topic, gender roles. (Did I talk about this already?) The cultural anthropologist in me wants to say that gender is a social construction and roles are determined by society and the biological anthropologist wants to say that gender roles are determined by biology. Well I think there's truth to both of those statements and also neither of them. I think that there is certainly aspects of gender that are biologically determined such as who gives birth. We have not yet mastered the science of impregnating Austrian bodybuilders yet. And there are culturally determined roles that men and women are suppose to play. In Western culture, that typically means, manly men who are tough and are protectors and providers. And women who are pliant and nurturing and caretakers. (Unless there's a bunch of emo hipster metrosexual guys in which case, I don't think tough really describes a guy in skinny jeans.)
Nothing wrong with those roles...if you WANT to follow them. But there are plenty of people who don't fall into those molds and they do just fine. It's increasingly common to see lady CEOs and househusbands.
Now in relationships, it's up to the people involved to determine if they want to follow traditional gender roles. Back in ye olden days of the 50s and 60s, many men worked and women stayed home to raise the family and feed the husband and bring him his slippers. But even back then, there were women who worked although generally in traditional "pink collar" jobs such as teaching, nursing, librarianship, or clerical. Today there are many studies which say that women are consistently attaining higher educations than men and are using those educations in careers. Personally, I did not get two masters degrees so I can stay home and make babies. I respect people who do stay home and raise families but staying at home makes me feel nauseous (I'm not kidding, I literally feel sick if I'm home all day) but I know there are a lot of other women whose careers are very important to them and while they love their families too, it's not their entire identity. (Wow I sound like a jerk to all the housewives/husbands out there, I don't mean to, but I'm just trying to clarify my own thoughts too).
So what does this mean? It means that it's you and your sig other that need to determine how you want to live, split up household and child care responsibilities. Men don't have to be the deciders and women the followers. We're not a hunting gathering society anymore. We're a sit in an office at a computer society and both sexes can do that equally well.
In conclusion, don't tie me down by my XX chromosomes, I'm more than just two little letters. Plus, it's none of your god damn business. >:P
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Book Review: Get Over Yourself
Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find TRUE LOVE
by Patti Novak and Laura Zigman
Patti Novak is another matchmaker who had a tv show recently and she's written a book on getting out of your own way when you're dating.
I'll summarize the important parts for us busy nerds.
* Need to be honest with yourself when looking for dates. You need to know who you are and know what you're looking for and basically if you're holding out for Kristen Bell to date you, you're going to be waiting a long time. While we all love us some Veronica Mars, maybe you need to settle for a less cute girl who has some good snark to her.
* Get over your past history. Ok we've all got baggage, bad families, relationships, attacked by bears, whatever. You gotta let it go to an extent. Don't be all crazy bitter about things. I know that bear hurt you, but you survived and now you know that when you're camping to not leave poptarts in your tent. People can sense when people have crazy issues and we don't want to be around sad sacks or angry bitter people generally. So learn from it, and move on towards something better.
* Really evaluate yourself. This goes back to my theory of, you need to know who you are. If you know what is causing your problems, get help, stop doing it, whatever it takes to move past it. If you're disturbing shy and awkward that is not going to help you in the dating world. Not everyone is going to meet someone who is willing to overlook the inability to look you in the eye. Find out what might have caused the problem and work on it. If you don't know what caused it, work on it. WORK ON IT.
* Her three keys to a healthy relationship: common sense, self-esteem, and kindness.
It makes sense, it's simple and if you think about it, these three things will get you really far in your dating life and work life and friendships. Basically I think these things are non-negotiables.
* Change what you can change that you don't like about yourself. Pretty simple.
* Internet dating, this is where I really disagree with her. She says that internet dating is not good. I think she's generally dealing with non-nerds though. I understand what she means when she says that people shouldn't stay in an internet relationship forever b/c if you're shy, it can be a crutch or whatever but it's a very good way to meet people and to help try and prescreen them.
*There's also quite a lot on not dating narcissists. From everything I've read on narcissistic personality types, they are the one type of people who won't change, and in their opinion, they don't need to change, there's nothing wrong with them. This is a list of things totally stolen from the super authoritative wikipedia.
"The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
* They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.
* They very rarely talk about their inner life - for example their memories and dreams.
* There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
* They feel that rules at work don't apply to them.
* Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.
* They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
* They constantly use "I", "me" and "my" when they talk.
* If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion's share yourself.
* They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.
* They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
* Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.
* During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.
* They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.
* Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring)
They just sound like awful awful people to be around, so if you think you're dating someone with this, run run away, b/c they'll bring you pain. (hey, I'm only a fake narcissist!)
Ok, that's my summary, now you don't have to read the book! :)
by Patti Novak and Laura Zigman
Patti Novak is another matchmaker who had a tv show recently and she's written a book on getting out of your own way when you're dating.
I'll summarize the important parts for us busy nerds.
* Need to be honest with yourself when looking for dates. You need to know who you are and know what you're looking for and basically if you're holding out for Kristen Bell to date you, you're going to be waiting a long time. While we all love us some Veronica Mars, maybe you need to settle for a less cute girl who has some good snark to her.
* Get over your past history. Ok we've all got baggage, bad families, relationships, attacked by bears, whatever. You gotta let it go to an extent. Don't be all crazy bitter about things. I know that bear hurt you, but you survived and now you know that when you're camping to not leave poptarts in your tent. People can sense when people have crazy issues and we don't want to be around sad sacks or angry bitter people generally. So learn from it, and move on towards something better.
* Really evaluate yourself. This goes back to my theory of, you need to know who you are. If you know what is causing your problems, get help, stop doing it, whatever it takes to move past it. If you're disturbing shy and awkward that is not going to help you in the dating world. Not everyone is going to meet someone who is willing to overlook the inability to look you in the eye. Find out what might have caused the problem and work on it. If you don't know what caused it, work on it. WORK ON IT.
* Her three keys to a healthy relationship: common sense, self-esteem, and kindness.
It makes sense, it's simple and if you think about it, these three things will get you really far in your dating life and work life and friendships. Basically I think these things are non-negotiables.
* Change what you can change that you don't like about yourself. Pretty simple.
* Internet dating, this is where I really disagree with her. She says that internet dating is not good. I think she's generally dealing with non-nerds though. I understand what she means when she says that people shouldn't stay in an internet relationship forever b/c if you're shy, it can be a crutch or whatever but it's a very good way to meet people and to help try and prescreen them.
*There's also quite a lot on not dating narcissists. From everything I've read on narcissistic personality types, they are the one type of people who won't change, and in their opinion, they don't need to change, there's nothing wrong with them. This is a list of things totally stolen from the super authoritative wikipedia.
"The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
* They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.
* They very rarely talk about their inner life - for example their memories and dreams.
* There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
* They feel that rules at work don't apply to them.
* Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.
* They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
* They constantly use "I", "me" and "my" when they talk.
* If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion's share yourself.
* They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.
* They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
* Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.
* During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.
* They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.
* Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring)
They just sound like awful awful people to be around, so if you think you're dating someone with this, run run away, b/c they'll bring you pain. (hey, I'm only a fake narcissist!)
Ok, that's my summary, now you don't have to read the book! :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Your life is not a romcom
After a semi-drunk night of watching the rather terrible movie Couple's Retreat, I have decided to write a huge pet peeve of mine which is when people expect their relationships to be in like the movies, all romantic and crap.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)