In the world of online dating, your username along with your photo will be an important part of the first impression. Like managing your online presence on facebook or twitter, your username can create either a good or bad first impression. If the person you're contacting has several people they're hearing from and they all have neutral names, and your username is kirksexgod, then unless she's looking for a trekkie sex god, she's probably going to pass you by.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
Find me a find, catch me a catch! (from a song I learned in 6th grade)
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Keeping the romance alive
Or at least keeping it undead.
Basically this will be a guide for the unromantic b/c romantic people don't have these issues. Unless they're dating unromantics.
Traditionally giving gifts is considered a romantic gesture. Anthopologically speaking, males gave females gifts to prove that they'd be excellent providers. They've seen male chimps giving meat to female chimps in exchange for sex. The oldest profession indeed!
Oh, but in modern humans, it's not so much giving stuff to women b/c I've heard of plenty of women getting mad over practical things like toasters but now men must prove the quality of their providership by "burning" their resources on what are really "useless" gifts such as chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry. Things that generally serve no purpose other than to be expensive and hold high cultural value but little intrinsic value.
These traditional gifts are generally well received by women but not all women. It is important to know what kind of woman you are dating. There are some women who HATE HATE HATE cut flowers b/c they're just going to die and you have to water them. Their philosophy is gee, thanks for getting me a present that will give me more work to do. I personally am not a huge fan of chocolate. Some girls crave chocolate, I am not one of them. It's your job to discover what she does and does not like b/c if you get her something she doesn't like, you will gain no reputation points.
Now to think outside of the box is a bit better. While some women may want the chocolates, diamonds, flowers route, it takes more thought to come up with a gift that is individually tailored. If your girl is a geek, think of what she likes. Horror fan? Zombie themed gifts--this year I've seen zombie mugs, shirts, books, and cross-stitching. Does she play video games? Look for video game accessories or old classics she might have missed. Is she a dice-chucking gamer? More dice are always appreciated or maybe a miniature for her latest campaign. These things are probably less expensive yet will probably be more meaningful since it means that you have actually learned what she likes and doesn't like.
Another way to show you care is to do things for her. Recent studies say that women feel more romantic towards their partners when they do domestic stuff around the house, like laundry, cooking or washing dishes. This kinda makes sense since now women often work outside of the home and are generating their own income so money isn't necessarily as tight as things like time. With less time to do household chores, helping around the house allows her more time to do things she would really want to do, like sleep, or read, or play WoW.
Lastly, you can help keep the romance alive by planning fun things, they don't have to be expensive, just things for the both of you to do that you enjoy. Getting out of your daily routine will help that.
Basically it boils down to, think about your partner and what they might need right now, not a toaster but like emotional support ways and such.
Basically this will be a guide for the unromantic b/c romantic people don't have these issues. Unless they're dating unromantics.
Traditionally giving gifts is considered a romantic gesture. Anthopologically speaking, males gave females gifts to prove that they'd be excellent providers. They've seen male chimps giving meat to female chimps in exchange for sex. The oldest profession indeed!
Oh, but in modern humans, it's not so much giving stuff to women b/c I've heard of plenty of women getting mad over practical things like toasters but now men must prove the quality of their providership by "burning" their resources on what are really "useless" gifts such as chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry. Things that generally serve no purpose other than to be expensive and hold high cultural value but little intrinsic value.
These traditional gifts are generally well received by women but not all women. It is important to know what kind of woman you are dating. There are some women who HATE HATE HATE cut flowers b/c they're just going to die and you have to water them. Their philosophy is gee, thanks for getting me a present that will give me more work to do. I personally am not a huge fan of chocolate. Some girls crave chocolate, I am not one of them. It's your job to discover what she does and does not like b/c if you get her something she doesn't like, you will gain no reputation points.
Now to think outside of the box is a bit better. While some women may want the chocolates, diamonds, flowers route, it takes more thought to come up with a gift that is individually tailored. If your girl is a geek, think of what she likes. Horror fan? Zombie themed gifts--this year I've seen zombie mugs, shirts, books, and cross-stitching. Does she play video games? Look for video game accessories or old classics she might have missed. Is she a dice-chucking gamer? More dice are always appreciated or maybe a miniature for her latest campaign. These things are probably less expensive yet will probably be more meaningful since it means that you have actually learned what she likes and doesn't like.
Another way to show you care is to do things for her. Recent studies say that women feel more romantic towards their partners when they do domestic stuff around the house, like laundry, cooking or washing dishes. This kinda makes sense since now women often work outside of the home and are generating their own income so money isn't necessarily as tight as things like time. With less time to do household chores, helping around the house allows her more time to do things she would really want to do, like sleep, or read, or play WoW.
Lastly, you can help keep the romance alive by planning fun things, they don't have to be expensive, just things for the both of you to do that you enjoy. Getting out of your daily routine will help that.
Basically it boils down to, think about your partner and what they might need right now, not a toaster but like emotional support ways and such.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Honeymoon
I refer not to the ancient tradition of going off to the moon and enjoying honey (oh that's from a xanth book) but of the lovey dovey period right when you start seeing someone.
It's very normal when you meet someone to want to spend every waking moment together (assuming you like them). You'll text each other constantly, be giving each other PDAs which will make your friends nauseous but is actually very cute but still vomit inducing, and say things like, "I miss you," "No, I miss you more." This is also the time when you're discovering new things about each other and it's very natural for people to remember the commonalities (we both love Capt. Picard!) and gloss over important details like, (we don't actually speak the same language!) There is some debate (I'm completely making this statistic up) but this period generally lasts from 6 months to a year.
After the honeymoon period is over, you'll be less inclined to be googly eyes over each other but this is not necessarily a problem. If your relationship did not have the most solid ground then there may be difficulties as the hormones wear off and you actually experience the other person without the rose colored glasses. So what if you both love Monty Python...she leaves her dirty dishes everywhere! He farts constantly! If you don't have something beyond the initial flush of attraction, the relationship may crumble. That means it's important to have developed a foundation beyond "dude, you're hot..."
Next week, how to keep the romance alive. (oh geez, I'm like the world's least romantic person and I've going to give advice on this?! o_O)
It's very normal when you meet someone to want to spend every waking moment together (assuming you like them). You'll text each other constantly, be giving each other PDAs which will make your friends nauseous but is actually very cute but still vomit inducing, and say things like, "I miss you," "No, I miss you more." This is also the time when you're discovering new things about each other and it's very natural for people to remember the commonalities (we both love Capt. Picard!) and gloss over important details like, (we don't actually speak the same language!) There is some debate (I'm completely making this statistic up) but this period generally lasts from 6 months to a year.
After the honeymoon period is over, you'll be less inclined to be googly eyes over each other but this is not necessarily a problem. If your relationship did not have the most solid ground then there may be difficulties as the hormones wear off and you actually experience the other person without the rose colored glasses. So what if you both love Monty Python...she leaves her dirty dishes everywhere! He farts constantly! If you don't have something beyond the initial flush of attraction, the relationship may crumble. That means it's important to have developed a foundation beyond "dude, you're hot..."
Next week, how to keep the romance alive. (oh geez, I'm like the world's least romantic person and I've going to give advice on this?! o_O)
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