Non-Negotiable Social Requirements

Otherwise known as social skills. The classic geek will lack even basic social skills and although we tend to be smart, not having social skills can severely hamper our work, school, and personal lives.

Let's talk about the "classic geek". This is the person who can't look people in the eye, won't say hello, doesn't answer or only mumbles answers, can't make small talk, and has issues dealing with "normal" people. Most geeks aren't this bad (hopefully) but I think social geeks end up like Neil Patrick Harris and doing theater or magic and not playing video games in a basement.

Social skills are important. You'll need them to get through school less bullied (too late for most of us), for job interviews and getting along with coworkers and customers, for meeting and dating people, for joining new gaming groups, etc. I think a lot of geeks think that the basic social lubricants like saying hi to people is just a waste of time and technically that's true. The world would not explode if everyone didn't say hi to each other...but I've discovered (since my mom told me) that people will think you're mean if you don't say hi and make small talk occasionally, even if you're not mean but just busy or distracted or shy or hyper rational. Your coworkers and customers don't care if you think saying hi, how are you doing is a waste of time since there's no actual meaning to the words, it's an expected social behavior...like showering. Even if you don't think it's necessary, it is if you want to live among people.

This is a true story, when I first started working at Bank of America I worked in the file facility. I saw the same people everyday and it was not with customers. My mom who also worked for the bank told me that she said that people thought I was not nice and I said why? B/c to me, I didn't do anything wrong, I got to work, I sat at my desk and did my job. She said it was b/c I didn't smile at people in the hallway and say hi to people. I responded, it doesn't matter!! There's no meaning to it! We're just here to do a job! and she said, yeah but you have to work with these people, so just do it. And so I did and even though technically I was no better or worse of an employee, the perception of me was better at work, and that would have been useful if I had wanted to transfer departments or get a job recommendation (instead I got laid out when the entire department was outsourced a couple of years later but that's beside the point).

My fiance has a similar story from when he worked doing IT, a client talked to him and told him basically the same thing...that you have to at least pretend to care about other people and what they think. I will agree that it is a lot more efficient if you could just relate facts about work project instead of having to make small talk, but not all of people are task oriented and some people are people oriented. Here's an article on task versus people oriented-ness. I would hazard a guess that most geeks are task oriented, I know I tend to lean towards task oriented and that used to get me into trouble a lot at work b/c I just want to get shit done and sometimes I forgot that sometimes just throwing jobs at people hurts their feelings.

So totally stealing from that article, here's some tips for how to work with people oriented people.

• 1) Acknowledge their feelings
  While you may “think” your way through problems, recognize that they often “feel” their way through them. They may even “feel” about things that you see as purely factual (money or time for example).
  
  
• 2) Soften your voice tones
  Task oriented people often speak in direct and factual tones. Lighten up. Smile. Relax. Your effort to come across “nicer” will probably help them receive your message more clearly.
  
  
• 3) Exercise patience with them
  If they are heavily slanted towards the people oriented perspective, they may struggle with reaching a decision that impacts other people. Remember that they are probably not trying to irritate you. Most likely, they just don’t want anyone to be offended or hurt by their actions.
  

So far I've covered how social skills are important at work and you could apply that basically to anywhere you have to be, like school. Now let's talk about social skills among personal relationships: dating and friendships.

When you're with friends and let's assume your friends are also geeks, then there is some flexibility in your behavior. They'll probably be used to heated discussions of which Green Lantern is the best (yay Kyle Raynor!) so that's not an issue. But just b/c they're your friends, doesn't mean you can be a total dick to them either. If you're going to get into debates, it's ok to disagree, what kind of debate would it be if you all agreed? Anyhow, the key is to keep it civil and leave personal things out of it. If you debate ends up with personal statements like, "you're stupid," it's gone too far, and it's best to just end the debate/argument before a fist fight starts.

Aside from work (which is very important b/c we all need money except for those independently wealthy types and you guys need to talk to me!) social skills for dating is very important. Again unless you're lucky enough to date another geek, you'll probably need to be able to "pass" for normal long enough to sucker them into thinking that your geeky traits are quirky and cute.

So for dating, make sure to check in on them periodically but don't stalk them by texting every 10 minutes. Ask how their day was, even if you don't care, although really you should. Be empathetic or fake empathy. Don't always try to solve the problem, just listening is good too. Do little things so they know you're thinking of them and that this isn't just some booty call type relationship and that you appreciate them.

Here's the thing to take away from all this, we love geeks--I am a geek, but having the inability to interact with other people can be a huge liability for your social life, friendships and career (trust me on this). Retain your geeky awesomeness but make sure that you at least work your basic social skills in public.

Public Displays of Affection

Imagine this: You've met a super cool person. You've hit it off and you're holding hands and kissing. This is great.

Now imagine like holding hands and kissing at like your D&D games. Maybe it's great for you two but think of the looks of horror coming from your friends. This is where we run into the PDA divide, where your focus is on your new significant other, and ours is on keeping our bile from rising.

(Oh god, that's just not attractive.)
In the beginning of a relationship, it's really easy to get caught up in the smooshy faced romance of it all. You want to be around them all the time, you want to know what they ate for lunch. You want to make out constantly. Again, that's great--for you two. If you don't know how to keep your lovey-doveyness in check, you're going to want to make your friends vomit when you tell them about how cute your new bf/gf's toes are.

If you want to keep your friends during this critical honeymoon period, remember a few things; there are other things in your life to talk about other than your significant other, please also talk those things. Second, keep your PDAs (kisses, hugs, cuddling) discreet and to a minimum. When you're alone, go wild, but in public keep it on the DL, your friends will thank you for it. Third, your friends don't really need to know all the dirty details of your love life. Also, it's a bit trashy to share personal information like that. Some things need to remain a mystery.

This is not to say that we're not disgustingly happy for you, b/c we are. But there is such a thing as too much information, and especially if your friends are not in a relationship or in a bad one, it can make them feel worse about their situation, so also be sensitive to other people's feelings (I know, I'm talking about being sensitive to other people? Shocking!!).

Ok, next week's topic, basic social skills! (b/c some of us just don't have them.)

Internet Stalking*

There is a fine art to internet stalking. The key is to find out information and yet not go so far as to hack their facebook passwords and read their private messages and do illegal bad things. You just want to find out what kind of information is publicity available about the person.

I think I'm actually fairly good at internet stalking...it's the combination of persistence and research skills. So I'm going to share some tips but also tell you why it's good and why it's bad to internet stalk people.

How to find someone if you know their first and last name:
First, start with a basic google search. This should be the beginning of any good internet stalking. We geeks are all familiar with google but play around with the different advanced google search settings. Things like "" are very important and can make a huge difference when searching.

Try common social networking sites to see if they're on it. You can try facebook, myspace (if they're like a weirdo and haven't switched to facebook yet!), or linkedin. A lot of these sites will also include pictures so you can confirm to see if it's the right person. If the picture is of like a dog or a tree, you might look at the friends list and see if it's someone they might know (particularly useful for finding old classmates.)

Other sites you can try are pipl, spokeo, and zabasearch. This is more useful if you want to find out information that's in their public records, places they lived, approximate age, scary scary things like that. Put your own name in and you might be scared at how much info people can find out from the internet...and yeah it might be not be 100% accurate but generally it's accurate enough to be scary.

What to do if you know their email:
You can try to google it of course, but also try social networking sites b/c sometimes you can search by email. Unless they used a different email when signing up.

What to do if you just know what they look like and have a first name:
And yes I totally found someone this way... I had a first name and I knew what they looked like and I knew where they worked and I found them on OkCupid. Granted I knew they were on OkCupid but still, considering OkCupid is not name searchable, disturbing in many ways. I googled the first name and the workplace and found public information that seemed plausible. Approximate age etc. It gave me a last name to search too. But on OkCupid I just put in the age, ethnicity, and probable location and just had to search through maybe 2 or 3 pages of results? Totally creepy and stalkery but it did work.

Anyhow, you can see how the combination of a little bit of information can get you pretty far.

Some of you may be asking, how can I avoid being found on these searches? Well don't put anything on the internet. If you have public facebook, linkedin page or flickr account tied to your actual name, you're that much easier to find. You can use a nickname or pseudonym on social networking so your friends might be able to find you, but be aware that if someone knows a friend of yours, they might be able to track you through them. I was actually found on LiveJournal this way. A friend of mine was googling our mutual friend and she found my account linked to hers! In this case, it was a good thing but you can see how you might not always want people to find you online. A smaller internet presence helps you hide.

You can also avoid buying property or other things that might trigger public records. What's weird is like on spokeo they don't list the house I actually purchased but my parents house. So yeah, not a 100% but still creepy.

I would like to reiterate that it's very important to control your online presence. Google yourself periodically and see what can be found. Make your social networking sites information private and only available to friends. Use alternative emails and names when signing up for things on the internet. This can protect you from stalkers but also for more mundane things like keeping a future employer from seeing photos of your drunken escapades at a bachelor party.

Why Internet Stalking is Good:
B/c as nerds, sometimes we're too shy to find out things from people directly and we want to do some research ahead of time. I know I love doing internet research! But internet stalking is a way to find someone that you might be interested in talking to more but totally couldn't do it at the social event or you just plain forgot to get their contact info. Basically the less work you had to do, the less creepy it is and it's more likely they'll talk to you. Unless of course they're flattered that you did all that work b/c you were interested. It's really a fine line between flattery and disturbing--tread carefully.

Sometimes you also find out useful information...like that bastard is already married! There was a news report about how recently a woman facebooked her husband and discovered that he had gotten married...again! You can also find out if they're drinking when they aren't supposed to (Lindsay Lohan), that the purse full of drugs they said wasn't theirs totally is (Paris Hilton) etc etc. They say they don't have kids but surprise, they totally are crawling with babies in photos.

Why Internet Stalking is Bad:
But again, like with any power, there is responsibility.

You need to not stalk your exes. It doesn't help anybody to find out too much information about your exes and pretty much anything you find out is going to feel like a kick in the gut, especially in the early stages of breaking up.

You should never hack someone's account by trying to guess their passwords or whatever. It's immoral and serves no purpose other than being a jerk. You going to spy on them? Change their information? Make them realize that they do love you? Not going to happen, keep your integrity. Don't do it.

B/c nerds never need more excuses to obsess over things. We examine the minutiae of like everything. I don't think trying to find out what elementary school someone you haven't met went to is going to lend itself to great insight into the viability of your future relationship. Don't over think it, just be chill.

And along those lines, back to over-analyzing. You've spied on someone and you've found incriminating pictures (or information) of them. Dun dun dun! Who's that girl? Whose baby is that? Why does he look really really red in those pictures? Well don't break up with them just yet. We know a lot of people are internet liars, but don't go searching for excuses to ditch the dude. Don't jump to conclusions...that baby could be their niece or friend's kid (if they said they're childless) and that girl could be a sister or cousin or just a friend. That redness could just be a really bad sunburn. The thing about information on the internet, unless you're reading their diary, pictures and such are context-less. You don't know what happened before or after.

So yes, there are benefits and downsides to internet stalking. Use this power wisely and don't get carried away. But I think the most important lesson is to control your own internet information so embarrassing pictures like: don't get spread around the internet.


*When I'm talking about internet stalking, I'm not referring to the creepy illegal kind that warrants a restraining order. I'm talking about stuff that an employer or future date would do to find out what kind of person you are. If you're doing the bad kind, you suck and you make us all look bad and I hope the cops arrest you.

Speed Dating

usually need to pay. or fill out some psyche profile thing if thought a school.

There is always a level of BS in these posts, especially since I'm not an expert on dating or whatever (maybe I'm a nerd expert though) but today's might have an extra special amount of BSing and speculation since the topic is speed dating which I have never done. (I was going to try it for research purposes but I didn't want to spend the money!!)

Why am I writing about something I never tried? B/c someone asked me too and b/c it is an interesting topic and I've read some stuff on it and talked to some friends about their experiences and seen a bunch of examples on tv. Hee!

So here's the breakdown for people who don't know what speed dating is, generally speed dating is broken up into age categories like 20-30, 30-40 etc. When you attend an event there should be at least dozens of people there. When the dates start, women usually sit in a row and men rotate every 5-8 minutes (the amount of time depends on the venue). In those 5-8 minutes or so, you are expected to introduce basic information and essentially gauge your interest in meeting this person again. You mark yes or no next to their name on a card. If you both have marked yes, at the end of the event, the organizers will share your contact info.

Sounds like a good way to meet a lot of potential dates right? Yes and no. I think that for geeks, speed dating isn't a great way for us to find potential dating partners. Most of the time, we aren't impressive in first impressions and speed dating is all about first impressions. Our strength lies in the fact that we're good people and that takes a while to become evident. Also part of first impressions is being really good looking (again think of Chase from that episode of House). Not that we're bad looking, I'm just saying that geek shirts and pale skin from being indoors isn't necessarily prized.

I think that online dating is probably a better venue for us since it provides us time to put up better photos of ourselves and we have more time to think about responses rather than being super witty on the fly. And for people who are more introverted and used to communicating electronically, meeting people online can be more comforting.

I don't think speed dating is necessarily cheaper than online dating either. I've heard there are free speed dating things at universities sometimes. In exchange for the event, you have to fill out a survey or something. And I've heard that a library in southern Orange County also hosted a free speed dating event too about a year ago, but when I did some research to possibly attend an event, it looked like most places charge about $35 to register for an event.

So in my opinion, I think save your $35 and stay home from speed dating. Unless you're outgoing with good social skills and pretty good looking, I think that speed dating is not an effective way for geeks to meet people.

Don't Keep Dating Bums

This is a sad sad situation that I see all too often, people who stay with obviously bummish partners. If you're partner is a bum, you need to dump 'em and find someone who is worthy of you! Geeks, just b/c you are a geek doesn't mean bums should be tolerated. Quirky and nerdy is NOT the same as being a bum.

*I'm totally going to use the grammatically incorrect "they" instead of he/she etc b/c it's just too bulky. We need some non gender specific pronouns in English!
**Note, also English grammar isn't not a forte (I'm sure you've noticed this already) so if the above statement is incorrect, shut up b/c you know what I mean. :P

How to spot a bum:
Bums can be spotted b/c they generally share a couple of traits.
1) They are generally chronically unemployed or underemployed. The exception to this is that now b/c of the economy it is hard for people to find and keep good jobs, so if they were just laid off but before they had decent jobs that doesn't count. I'm talking about people who have never worked full time or always complain about how crappy and mean their bosses are right before they get fired for being lazy and incompetent.

2) Their mom still does their laundry (or housekeeping or grocery shopping or they still live at home and mom does everything for them). Yeah it's great having someone take care of you, but if they're an adult, they need to learn to do these things on their own. B/c if they don't learn, it's going to be you cleaning up after them in the future and that sucks ass.

3) You end up paying for everything. And I mean everything, food, movies, their rent. It's related to chronic joblessness but there are bums that work (even if it's a crap job) and they still seem to never have any money. I mean they have enough money to buy a vintage guitar that they can't play but they don't have the money for groceries. Basically being super irresponsible with money and credit is a bum quality.

4) They hate all of your friends and family and the feeling is mutual. This is a big deal. I mean sometimes your friends and family will be weird and not like someone for no reason but if EVERYBODY can't stand the guy, that's a problem. It's not all jealousy. It's probably b/c he/she treats you like crap and badmouths you constantly. Same goes for if they badmouth your friends all the time, obviously everyone sucks but they are pure awesome. (yeah right.)

5) They can't seem to finish what they start. People who have lots of awesome ideas but don't do anything about them and complain about why the world is so unfair to them or people who have been in community college for 10 years b/c "the class I need is always full." These are just symptoms of their larger problem which is bummishness. They can't finish anything b/c they're unmotivated and when things go wrong it's not b/c they didn't register for class on time after oversleeping, it's always the system and someone trying to mess up their life.

To sum up, what makes a bum? Callousness, disrespect for other people, and a lack of responsibly for anything in their life.

The ways in which they ruin our lives:
1) Sucking us dry of our money, energy, friendships, happiness.

2) Causing rifts between you and your friends and family.

Why do we stay with bums?

1) Because we're lonely and we think we can't do better. Maybe you haven't dated in a while and they happen to want you. Well technically they just want a wallet and a couch, it just so happens you're willing to supply both. Bums don't improve your self esteem, you're so much better than that. It's better to be single and happy than raising a man-child.

2) Co-dependency. Now this is a real psychology thing which I'm not qualified to discuss but I think that some people will cling to anybody b/c they can't bare to be alone. Please get help, you'll be happier in the long run.

3) B/c you've been with them forever and you love each other. Staying together b/c you've been together a long time is like a circular and non-logical argument. I say it's better to cut your losses and get out of there instead of wasting your youth, money, and energy on crappy people.

4) B/c they need your help. Dude, you do not need to be a white knight. You are not saving them. They can't be saved b/c they don't want to be saved. They're just using you and your foolish gallantry. Bums aren't people who've fallen on hard times, they generate their own problems, so you save yourself and move on. This also goes for people who think they can reform bums. Why would a bum reform when they can keep behaving like they are and get everything they want? It's stupid. You can't change people if they don't want to change. Quit kidding yourself.

How can friends intervene?
This is very tricky grounds. If your friend is the bum there isn't a lot you can do. I mean b/c if you try to warn the other person, they're going to think you're backstabbing them...well b/c you kinda are, no matter how much they might deserve it.
If your friend is dating a bum, you can try talking to them but likely they're going to be irrational and not do anything about it even though they probably complain constantly. I've tried staging interventions (we did everything but the sign!) and that didn't even work. So tread very carefully in this arena.

Summation:
Being a bum is a non discriminatory problem. Geeks, jocks, goths, emo-kids, popular people can all be bums (probably there are more bum stoner-types and less bum overachievers though.) Just b/c someone plays Magic or watching anime does not qualify them as a bum. Being all of the above while watching anime and spending all their money on Magic cards does make them a bum.

So don't date bums, and if you're dating a bum, stop dating them. Go and find someone not crappy b/c you're better than that.
(same goes for crazy girls, don't stay with the crazy girls!!!!)

Friendship after dating

I've been watching Big Bang Theory on DVD and just like real people, Penny and Leonard have to deal with life after dating.

Breaking up as was discussed in an early post sucks. Breaking up and having to see each other still can suck even more, but here's some tips to hopefully make that situation a little less awkward.

First thing is to give each other space. If you have invested a lot of emotion into this relationship, you need time to process the breakup. For friend groups, just hang out with other friends for a while. Don't push hanging out again too soon, it's just not going to help your roiling emotions. If your friends want you both to hang out with them and you're not ready for it, tell your friend they need to give you time and if they can't, your friend is a douche b/c they're not doing anybody a favor.

When you do meet up again, don't make it like dates. Don't go hiking together alone. Why would you do that?! Go in a group so you have other people to talk to. And you don't have to chatty buddies with your ex, but if you're ready, you can talk to them, just avoid conversation topics that are too personal or too emotional. It's really not the time to discuss why your ex is a bastard.

Don't smear your ex's name to all of your mutual friends. Maybe non-mutual friends is ok. But bashing your ex to your mutual friends puts them in a awkward position where they feel they will have to pick sides and if they remain neutral, you're going to think they're being unsympathetic. I'm sure they feel bad for you both, so don't make them pick sides b/c honestly, they might not pick you.

If you work together, keep it professional. You don't have to be best work friends or anything but unless one of you is planning on changing jobs or departments, you will need to learn to work together. Don't avoid needed communication, if you're adult enough to be in a relationship you should be adult enough to handle talking to your ex about something job related.

If you're in a gaming group with your ex, don't flirting with your other gamer friends. It's just not cool, and again, increases weirdness. I think treat your gaming group like if you working with the person, do what you have to get the mission completed. If one of you is a GM though, be careful that there isn't any unfairness created. Just like they shouldn't play favorites when you were dating, they shouldn't be dumping on your character b/c you've broken up.

All of these things might take time and if your ex isn't cooperating that won't help but if both of you are committed to being friends after, it is possible. Except it hasn't worked for me. :P

A list of other things that won't help:
Sending nasty emails.
Angry post break up sex.
Bringing up old arguments.
Dragging along brand new dates to meet ups.

So let me know how it goes and see if it works better than it has for me! :P Of course I'm of the mind that you really don't have to be friends with your exes either.

How NOT to Impress the Ladies

This is going to be a list of things that have either been said to me or to friends of mine. They aren't good conversation starters...but are a great way to kill one.

Seriously, I'm not making this crap up. So yeah I know this puts a lot of pressure on you guys to come up with something clever, but offensive is not the same thing as clever.

These are from actual situations:

• I don't want you to think I'm being a dirty old man but do you want to want to get coffee and talk? (He was easily 25-30 years older than me.)
  
  
• Are you married/Do you have a boyfriend? (as a conversation starter.)
  
  
• What are you? (when they mean, what's your ethnicity?)
  
  
• What's wrong with ___ (fill in with body part)?
  
  
• Mention masturbating special ed kids.
  
  
• *stares awkwardly* Do you really play D&D? Noo...nooooo, no way!
  
  
• Hey, you have boobs!
  
  
• Your butt looks hawt in those pants.
  
  
• Can I see your underwear? (While dressed I was a teenaged anime character.)
  
  
• And the even more offensive than the previous ones, "I want to violate you," which was said to another librarian, not someone I know personally, but horrible anyhow.
  

What do most of these have in common? They tend to point out body parts and talk about sex. Also if you have to start a conversation with a caveat, that's bad, "Like, I look like a serial killer but I'm really a nice guy." These things are not going to win you any brownie points.

Here's the deal, if you don't look like Chase from the tv show House, you are going to have to be more respectful and tactful in order to get women to respond to you in a positive way.

I think it's important for guys to remember that getting hit on is often not fun for women. I think guys think that it'd be great if women hit on you...that's it's flattering, but it's not, especially if it's something disturbingly sexual like the ones I posted above. We generally don't want to be thought of as meat and especially if we're working, flirting is not really on our minds. Clubs might be a different thing, but when I'm at work, I'm here to do my job, not fend off weirdos.