fake relationships

This recent article on CNN has spurred me onto writing about this topic, the fake relationship.

The fake relationship is a dangerous trap, especially for geek guys. How do you know you're in a fake relationship? Well it's basically when you have a friend of the opposite gender (usually unless you're not into the opposite gender but I don't have first hand knowledge of this, so I'm just speculating there) who you spend a lot of time with and you guys talk on the phone all the time and you might be best friends but you're not dating for sure. Or are you?

You might be in a fake relationship if:
*Your friend calls all the time and tells you everything that is going on.
*You hang out every single weekend together and alone.
*You furniture and/or grocery shop regularly.
*You're the first person they count on in an emergency.
AND
*You're not getting any (sex).

If you're getting a little somethin' something you are probably friends with benefits or just in massive denial but if you're not, and you're being used for emotional support and all the things that people like being in a relationship for but without the commitment, it's the fake girlfriend/boyfriend syndrome. This probably occurs b/c the other person has been hurt a lot in previous relationships and doesn't want to "ruin" friendships.

Why is this bad you ask? Maybe the guy wants to be used this way. There are several reasons why it's bad, even though on the surface it seems like it's a good idea.

1. It prevents either party from moving on in their life. If they are getting the emotional benefits of dating without other drama, it allows them to remain in this phase which doesn't require them to change or adapt or grow. Sometimes the past sucks and we don't want to revisit that kind of pain but sometimes you gotta jump back into the waters if you want something real.

2. One person might get more emotionally invested in the friendship. I think that generally the user has a pretty clear idea that they don't want to get into an actual dating relationship but the other person (the usee) doesn't necessary know that. They might hang around b/c they're waiting to see if the other person will suddenly want to start dating them and then it's like, "Hey i'm right here! You can date me! I've been supportive this whole time!" and that's not cool b/c they're just getting strung along.

3. Ok, I only have two reasons why it's bad, but they are pretty good (bad) reasons.

So what do if you find yourself in one of these. Well I think the simplest thing to do is just fade out. This is true for either the user or the usee. You can't have a break up b/c you weren't actually dating but just start doing stuff without that person. Don't call them for every little thing. Don't spend every Saturday at the swapmeet with him. You can still be friends but don't make them the fake relationship. They'll be maybe a little confused and a little hurt but I think it ultimately is better in the long run for everyone involved.

I guess HIMYM just did this topic like last week or whatever but I'm not stealing it! I don't watch tv on tv and this is something that I've been thinking about for a while. I'm trying to think of a geek analogy for this, b/c geek guys have been abused by women for forever in the vain hope that she'll wanna get with him someday.

Oh, I know, it's like in Big Bang Theory and the relationship Penny has with Leonard. She does hang out all the time and she calls him whenever she has breakups or other bad things and she has him do favors for her like get tvs, and hook up her sound system but in the beginning anyhow, he was just her friend and neighbor. I ask, where the hell are her other friends? Doesn't she have girl friends she can call and cry with when she breaks up with that cheating physicist? No, she goes over and finds Leonard b/c he's the fake boyfriend. And I haven't seen the current season but up until the end of the second season anyhow, it's all tangley and they're all confused so it's not a great idea. Don't do it to someone else, and don't let it happen to you or you'll also end up with no pants...but not in the good way.

We all want it, We all deserve it...

No, it's not sex, although I know we all want sex (i dunno about deserve though), but I'm talking about respect. I think respect ranks up there with like honest and open communication in the hierarchy of important things in a relationship or in the dating process.

I think first you have to respect yourself, you have to think you're worthy of respect before you can find someone who will respect you too. This is not a, "I'm so awesome" attitude but you have to think that you know, you are a good catch too. I think I've mentioned before the important of knowing who you are before you start dating, and I think this is part of that act of self improvement. So know that you're a good person (and work on it too b/c seriously, there are some deluded people out there!) then you can work on step two. Which is...

Finding a person who respect you. What does this mean? It's not someone who'll like bake you a pie on command or dust your chess trophies. Respect in dating is someone who doesn't belittle you or your hobbies or your friends or family. It's someone who respects your time and calls if they're going to be late instead of being a flakey ass bastard. It's a person who calls when they say they will instead of calling five days after Comic Con instead of the day after then making lame excuses. I strongly believe that if someone says they're too busy to date, don't chase after then, then let them go, b/c everyone is busy, but if they really wanted to date they could make time. It's not worth forcing someone to date you.

Part of this is knowing how much BS you'll take from another person. Apparently I have a really low BS threshold b/c if someone says they're going to call and don't, they start heading down the drain towards my shit list and they better have a really good excuse, not some crap like, "Oh work's been crazy." Too busy to text, "Dude, I'm dying from being too busy!"?? Lame. My brother said you gotta give someone three chances. Well I don't believe in three chances... b/c when you start dating someone, that is your chance to impress someone and if you keep failing in the beginning, how crap is it going to be when you're not trying to impress them anymore and you're all lazy and complacent? The entire point is to initially impress them and set the bar high and then never live up to those standards again! haha, doh.

What kind of future can exist in a relationship that is not equal, not based on a partnership? If one of the people thinks that they are more important and that their time is most important, it's going to be a emotional and financial suckage in the short and long term. It's like dumping your energy into black hole or like trying to torture homer with donuts, it's just a losing proposition.

Lastly, I have to mention domestic violence. I'm no expert (although in a high school poll I was voted most likely to beat my spouse) but if you're in a relationship where they hit you or call you names or anything like that, that's a bad relationship. Physical, emotional, or psychological abuse is never ok and never justified. There's a lot of help available. This just one website http://www.ndvh.org/ and you call me and I'll go over and kick that person in the crotch.

Culling the masses

No, I'm not referring to people...but sometimes I feel like that...instead I'm referring to numerous collections of all sorts that often nerds horde. Things like DVDs, CCGs (even hanging onto dead ones in case someone decides to bring back the Buffy CCG!), pogs, superhero action figures, boxes upon long boxes of comic books (some people keep them in file cabinets), video games etc. Honestly things you could collect are endless. I know b/c I have more collections than that's listed here!

Anyhow, this is related to dating in a couple of ways. If you are a compulsive collector it can effect your relationships or potential relations by creating money problems (esp if you're addicted to shopping), hording problems where you're whole living space is full of stuff and you've had to create paths to get around your house, or where you have devote all your time to your collections (or hobbies).

Money issues are a really bad thing, b/c women generally do want nice, smart, and funny guys, but we also would like guys who are financially stable. Rich isn't necessary, but we don't want to be supporting your ass b/c you spent your last $10 on a Batman figure.

Hording is I think the main problem nerds have with their collections. Most of us probably don't get to this point,

but getting even close to there isn't comfortable. First if you're a real hoarder, you should get help b/c it's going to need more help than what this nerd can provide since there's like OCD and other things associated with it. The Mayo clinic has a brief thingy on it which you can read here. But if you're just a geek who can't bear to part with comics they bought in the 90s b/c they were totally going to be worth something you gotta practice what we refer to in the library business as weeding. Weeding is the systematic act of getting rid of stuff that you don't need anymore. Books and other materials in the library get weeded for a variety of reasons, including condition, age, relevancy, usage etc. You can apply this to your stuff too, I use it for cleaning out my closet.

The easiest thing to do is make a box of stuff that you know you don't want but haven't bothered getting rid of yet. Now is the time to get rid of it. Recycling, donating to the goodwill or your local library is good, and seeing if people you know might want it are a good way to not generate extra trash if things are still in good condition. If you have collectibles that you aren't into anymore you might want to consider selling them but know that you probably won't get as much as you paid for it unless it's a real collectible, not like that first issue of Betty that you bought in the 90s b/c everyone was buying comics. (Not that I did that or anything...plus Betty is awesome...)

Second, go through and get rid of things that you've had for years and meant to get around to but never have. I had tons of books that I bought and I was like, I should read this Morgan Lewellyn book or I should watch House of Sand and Fog but you know what, I'm really not going to b/c I'd rather rewatch A Knight's Tale. Hobbies that sounded cool but you won't really do should also go. Be honest with yourself if you're really going to get to it in the near future, b/c really the only person you're hurting is yourself. If it's a book or dvd, you could donate it to your library and if they own it or if they decide to add it (they might not though!), if you really wanted to read/watch it later, just borrow it then. This is like the hardest category of things to get rid of b/c you keep thinking...I COULD READ IT! I COULD! But you know what, you haven't and it's been sitting on your shelf for ten years. That's ten years of opportunities where you chose to read the Princess Bride for the 20th time instead of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. So like suck it up and get rid of it, you'll feel better and honestly you'll never miss it. Unless you're obsessive in which case you probably wouldn't have been happy either way.

For broken things, either get rid of them or put them away and protect them from further damage. Torn clothes should probably go away...if it's like your first Metallica shirt and you wore it when James Hetfield hugged you then go and get it cleaned and professional stored safely where the moths and other buggies won't get it, but other clothes probably just need to be tossed. Esp if you have a hole in the crotch of your pants. No one wants to see that. Even though James Hetfield's sweat is on your tshirt you should still get it cleaned b/c if you just store it without washing it it can grow weird stuff and attract bugs.

But sometimes even getting rid of stuff you want to get rid of and getting rid of things you should get rid of isn't enough. This happened to me recently. I was weeding and weeding my books and even though I just got a brand new beautiful bookcase it wasn't big enough! There were a lot of tough choices but it's mostly at the point where I have my favorite authors (of which there are still quite a lot) left. But seriously if you ask me if I miss the dvds or books that I gave away, nope, not at all. In fact I don't really remember what they were! Of course that could be b/c my memory sucks but I think it's b/c I didn't really need it.

Of course all this boils down to the realization I had when our house was broken into. It's all just stuff. I mean I do love stuff and I love shopping but we don't really need it. The important things are like family and friends and while owning a super cool bust of Batman is awesome it is still just stuff. And my second realization is that the more stuff you the collect, the worse is it when you have to move and the more your friends will hate you too.

So don't let your obsession with collecting things ruin your life or your love life. B/c that Batman bust won't keep you warm at night.

Odor

This will be short, when you're meeting someone for the first time or really ever, b/c honestly if you stink, it can and will destroy a relationship, don't smell bad.

Smell bad can make many forms, not showering is a prime culprit. No girl wants to be around a guy who smells like Comic Con on Sunday. That's the musk of nerd and no, it's not sexy. Take a shower and use soap. Using soap is important. My grandfather stopped using soap in his old age and no one wanted to sit next to him in the car. Don't be my old man funk grandfather. Also I knew a guy who liked to use Lava soap instead of regular soap. Unless you regularly get drenched in car grease, use normal soaps...it doesn't really matter but by it at a normal store, not an auto parts place.

The other end of the spectrum is don't drench yourself in cologne and other perfume type things. I think generally women like their men to smell either just like clean or with a little bit of cologne. If you bathed in Axe body spray then you're probably assaulting everyone else out there with your cologne. B/c remember, if you can smell it on yourself, it's probably too much. And although I have no personal experience with Axe bodysprays and stuff, I heard that stuff sucks. Don't fall for their commercials, the only tackles you'll get are from people trying to bumrush you out of the store so they can breathe again.

Third, and this is the hardest one. I firmly believe that sometimes people's pheromones just don't click. It doesn't have anything to do with not washing or what kind of deodorant you use, but just body chemistry. Women have a better sense of smell than men in general (I can hunt out papers on this for you if you really want) and so sometimes a guy will reek to you, but not your friend and that's b/c you aren't meant to breed with that guy. This totally happened to me, I could smell him, and my friend with me couldn't at all. It was totally weird but completely true. So if you think he's smelly and no one else does, it's your body saying that it's a bad idea and to move on. But this also works the opposite way, sometimes a guy just smells great to you. Maybe that means you'll have cute babies! haha, I don't think that's been studied. :)

Spontaneity

If you've ever seen Big Bang Theory (and if you haven't shame on you, what kind of nerd are you? Hang your head in shame!) we all know that those four guys have a very set routine. Wednesday is Halo Night, Friday night is classic video game night, etc etc. They always get the same foods when they go out and eat. (Hey, how can Wednesday night be Halo Night if it's new comic book release day?!) This is an example of how nerds in general like routines, or rather, I like routine. I'm not saying that we're robots, although some might aspire to be, I'm saying we have our hobbies and we know what we like to do and we tend to stick with those things.

In dating this can be both a blessing and a curse. If you are dating a fellow nerd, it's easy to create a routine of dvds and video games and reading and that's great b/c it's good that you can share in your hobbies, however, many dating articles say it's important to not fall into a rut when you're in a relationship. B/c complacency can create problems. It's important to continually work on improving yourself and your relationship (in whatever way that you deem needing of improving).

So in Big Bang Theory they set up Anything Can Happen Thursday which was one night a month where they were free to be spontaneous. I probably wouldn't recommend scheduling your spontaneity, but the theory is sound. Occasionally do something that you wouldn't ordinarily do, like take a walk at the beach (except me b/c I hate the beach) or visit a new museum or visit a friend you haven't seen in a while (which is good b/c you'll get to practice socializing). Variety is the spice of nerd life. If you want to be really spreading yourself out, take a dance class together, go karaoke singing, take a weekend trip up the coast. If you want to stay in, make a fancy dinner together with like actual napkins and maybe candles!

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Chuck night with your friends, but leave yourself open to doing something different every once in a while.