the nice guy

I've heard so many times about how guys complain that nice guys don't win. "Girls want bad boys". I don't think this is true. I think that girls who are worth it will want a nice guy. I think women who aren't mature and aren't really ready for a relationship might want bad boys, but do you want to be a relationship with that kind of drama?


This is an article about the disappearing nice guy and I think it's a real shame that I've literally heard some of my guy friends say that maybe they should become jerks so girls will like them more. B/c that's stupid, and second of all, nice guys are hard to come by. I think smart women will realise eventually that the bad boy is exciting but you can't convert them. They're going to be macho and cool but they might also be sexist and treat you like shit. Most tough guys don't have the souls of a poet...they're just meatheads. So nice guys out there, stick it out, a smart girl will find you.

Of course, relationships don't fall into your lap. Don't sit there and wait for someone to realise that you're awesome. Don't just wait for your female best friend to stop dating those jerks and realise that you're the best guy ever b/c unfortunately it's not like in the movies, and sometimes they don't... so do get out there and meet people and date. (There's a movie called Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! and yeah, that movie is sooo not realistic...plus I really don't like Kate Bosworth.)

Also, I think this the main trap for "nice guys". Guys confuse being nice with meek or like shy or even insecure. Women want nice guys but we also don't want a wallflower. One of the things that I always say is that you have to like yourself as a person and people will be more attracted to that confidence. Be nice but don't be a doormat. Having no opinions or letting the other person make all the decisions doesn't make you nice. Things like being considerate is what makes a person nice. Girls like considerate, girls don't want doormats (unless they literally like need a doormat for their door, in which case, they do.)

When you allow people to not take your opinions and feelings and time into account, you are giving them permission to treat you as less important. And you think it might make them like you more b/c they're getting what they want, but I think that really it just makes them respect you less and a successful relationship is based on respect too. If they don't respect you, it's not a real relationship. I dunno what it is, but it's not dating. It's like booty calls or whatever.

So girls, wise up and appreciate those nice guys out there and guys, grow a pair and show girls (not your pair but) that you're a great catch. And whatever you do, DO NOT BECOME JERKS. There are enough jerks out there, we don't need more.

Oh dude, if you think I'm harsh, this website like cuts to the bone. No wonder it's called Heartless Bitches International. but hey, it's not inaccurate!

Interparty Dating

I guess that sounds like a pretty risque title. Really it just means, when you dating within your gaming groups. This is something that does happen from time to time, especially if your group happens to be a mixed gender group. I think back 15 years ago, there were fewer female gamers and so it was probably less common but now as more (but still not a lot) of women are playing RPGs and CCGs and other kinds of gaming things, there will be of course more opportunities for dating within your gaming group.

I think before you start hitting on the new girl who just joined your group you should think of a couple things. Make sure she's single first. Nerd girls don't come along often so it's possible she's already in a relationship even if it's not someone in the group. Make sure she's interested in dating anybody, b/c again, she's probably had opportunity to date people...so maybe she's single by intent. Make sure she's interested in your gender. I mean, no point in barking up the other side of the tree.

If these sorts of criteria are met, then you should probably hash it out with other group members if anyone else has designs on her, b/c the worst thing is to have multiple nerdy guys hitting on a single girl. Really, it's scary to be the recipient of all that nerdy attention. It could be so horrifying that you basically drive her from the group.

Next think about how dating someone in your group might effect the game. Are your characters going to then date? If one of you is the GM, make sure you work on not playing favorites b/c yeah maybe your S.O. might appreciate it, but the rest of your players won't and they'll take it out on you one way or another. Have you ever been the victim of a dicing (think stoning but with dice?) it's not fun. Try not to dominate the game. Don't always side with your S.O. in the game b/c you're worried they'll get mad at you outside of the game.

If your characters are dating in game too (which I think is just weird frankly) don't get all graphic and like ROLE PLAY b/c yeah, no one wants to see/hear/experience recreations of two nerds getting it on. (Or maybe there's an entire untapped market...? hmm...)

And then what happens if you break up? Especially if it's a messy break up. Like with friends, does one of you have to quit the group? Probably whoever is the newer person... unless the newer member is like a way better player than the older member, in which case, keep the better gamer. :) But just like dating a coworker or dating a friend, there is likely to be some extra complications if things work out b/c you're still going to have to see each other in the group.

I generally recommend avoiding interparty dating b/c of the possible complications but then again, being able to share a great hobby like gaming with your S.O. is amazing. And then you don't have to deal with phone calls in the middle of the game asking how much longer you're going to be.

(I tried to include a picture of a gamer girl but google images came up with a bunch of like not so work safe pix... T_T )

settling (continued!)

I wrote about a month ago about article about setting and mentioned this book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Lori Gottlieb. I did in fact put it on hold and I read it last night.

It was a very interesting book and I think the title is much more off putting than the content of the book. I think we hear the word settling and think that it means we're getting a C quality item instead of an A+. Well I guess the author says that it's not about choosing the C, but being happy with a good solid B. B/c that B has better fitting traits in the long term. One of the headings in the book is called, "Confusing good daters with good husbands." The traits that make an exciting and super fun boyfriend are not necessarily what are make a good stable partnership...it's like your friends. Just b/c someone is really fun to hang out with, doesn't mean they'll be a good roommate.

A quote from the book was, "What matters is finding the perfect partner--not the perfect person. It's not about lowering your standards--it's about maturing and having reasonable expectations."

I when read that, I thought it seems very reasonable. No one is perfect. If you date someone and then dump them later b/c you think someone better might come along, but you're gambling. (wow it totally sounds like, you have to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm not saying that, but this is advice for people who do want long term relationships.)

Another quote from the book, "...I told her that about 15 percent of men are over six feet tall, and 80 percent of women want them. Most of that 80 percent won't compromise. Do the math! How can 80 percent of women get 15 percent of men?" I think that people often have things that they really really want in a partner but one of the dating "experts" in the book said, if you're having a hard time meeting decent people you have to really narrow down what is important to you, like the three most important traits. If being tall is one of them I guess that's ok but maybe then you won't have space for things like sense of humor or you know, being a nice human being.

I mentioned this before in my previous posts but Gottlieb words it so much nicer (she is a writer after all and I'm just a blogger), she says that it's important to base your criteria on subjective things and not objective things. Rachel Greenwald, a writer that was interviewed for the book says, "knock off anything as a deal-breaker that's "objective" (age, height, where he went to college, what kind of job he has, how much hair he has, whether he has kids or an ex-wife_ and focus on what's "subjective" (maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity, ability to commit)." I think making your criteria based on subjective things are what will ultimately create more stability in your relationship...so even though they may share all the same hobbies with you and be the cutest thing ever (ever!!!) if they have the emotional maturity of a hamster, it probably won't work out long term.

One of the other points Gottlieb mentions is how women are looking for a man who's manly and yet sensitive. She calls it a "nice guy with balls". A recent CNN article on the same topic talks about how men if they want women need to be less nice. I don't think men should be less nice, I think that nice guys need to be confident (b/c yes, nerd guys are awesome too) and I think more women will respond to that. The phrase needs to be changed to confident and nice. That should be achievable right?

One of my favorite quotes is "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein.
I love this quote b/c honestly people do do the same things over and over and thing it's going to end up differently somehow. They'll date the same type of exciting and slightly dangerous person and think that if they just try harder, it'll work out. Look at Penny on Big Bang Theory. She keeps going after meathead guys and they just keep breaking her heart. I realised that I would have to stop liking sarcastic jerks, b/c yeah they're really funny, but they're jerks. It's in the title. If what you're doing right now isn't working...then something is wrong, and you need to readjust your patterns, and who you are currently seeking out. B/c if it was working, you wouldn't be dating unsuccessfully.

Although probably not of use to most of the readers here, I just wanted to mention Gottlieb's experiences with speed dating. I haven't tried speed dating, I was tempted to try last summer but didn't get around to it and now it's too late. Anyhow, she was in the 40-50 age category and there were 10 women and 6 men and all of the men were like vastly older than 50, like they were 55 or older. The person running the event said all the of the guys in their 40s participant in the 30-40 category b/c they want younger women. I think this is just another example of how it sucks a lot more for women to age than it does for men. Just my little ranty rant now.

Anyhow, the main thing I got from this book was don't over analyze. Often women have a tendency to over discuss the minutiae of their dating lives with their girlfriends b/c sometimes girlfriends don't know shit about shat. I've heard about girls convincing their friend to date some other guy b/c they don't like how their boyfriend is too quiet or whatever. It's lame and honestly, unless you're unhappy, they should be supportive. Don't go around thinking that there is always a better guy out there. I also know guys who have been dumped b/c their significant other thought they could find better. Well this book says that if someone gets divorced and remarried, they aren't necessarily happier than in the first marriage...b/c they're people who are always going to regret something, and find something to be upset with. You should try to find someone who appreciates your good traits and doesn't just focus on your bad habits. Constantly being on the prowl for something better means you can never be happy with what's in front of us. It's like in Aesop's Fables with the bird who dropped his food in the river b/c he saw his reflection and wanted that food too. He ended up with nothing b/c he was greedy. Again, it's not having no standards but not wasting your whole life waiting for Christian Bale (pre-Terminator freak out) to find you.

Next week, a nerdier topic, How to deal with interpersonal relationships in your gaming group (ie, dating the GM!)

arguments

Disagreements, arguments, heated discussions, fights. Multiple ways to describe basically the same thing, you're pissed off about something and you want your partner to know it.

Fights within a relationship are not necessarily a sign that a relationship is bad or ultimately unworkable. Afterall, you are two separate people and you're bound to have differing ideas on something eventually. What determines if a fight is bad or not is how you handle yourself in a fight and how you resolve it (or don't).

I've read a couple of articles on this, so I'll try to recap what those said and just for fun mix in what I think is good too. Wahaha. You guys will never know...

So how to have an argument, first of all, don't pick fights. If you've had a bad day, don't come home and pick a fight, b/c yeah, that's not going to make you feel better knowing you've just pissed off your significant other. Plenty of people come to the library in a bad mood and are just dicks to us and it's really hard for us to not "pay that forward". Spread good moods, not your shitty ones but it sucks for the recipient.

Picking fights also tends to cause another problem in fights, not fighting about the topic that you're mad about. I think a lot of women do this, where they're mad but they won't tell you why they're mad or they say it's about not picking up your socks but it's really b/c your mother is coming over to say for like a month. Basically, people should tell a person why they're mad and explain why. Nothing can be resolved if you don't talk about the problem. My mom does this, she actually transplants her anger from my dad to us. This is not fair. We can't fix my dad. And if you don't talk about your problem how can you both work on making it better? Even if making it better is only talking about it and then having some chocolate pudding after b/c sometimes you just need to vent.

Which leads me to venting. Sometimes you just need a good venting/ranting session. Again the goal is not to be bad at your partner but they may be witness to your rage (*SHIRLEY SMASH!*) and hopefully your partner will be empathetic. If you sense this is a venting situation, sometimes it's better to just stay back and then the rage go on b/c it's not something you can necessarily fix. Adding comments like, "If you hate your job so much, then find another one," aren't necessarily helpful... That's trying to fix the problem, this situation just calls for things like, "Uh huh, yeah, your boss sounds like a real whackjob," allow some time, and then add when calming down, "Do you want to go get frozen yogurt?"

Another rule, don't argue about things that have no answer. "Who would win Dr. Doom or the Joker?" isn't really an argument with an end. It's all opinions and yeah, you could quote issue blah of blah and say, well Dr. Doom defeated this guy and then the Joker fought the same guy he lost (this is assuming there was some DC/Marvel comic crossover issues). First of all, in comics, if A>B and B>C that does not mean that A>C, second of all, there is not solution to this. Not that everything needs to solved but it's a philosophical debate. It's like arguing over why Sylar sucks...he just does. You can't change anything, quit arguing over it. The show is still going to suck. Don't pick fights either. One of my pet peeves is when the other person plays devil's advocate b/c yeah, YOU don't even support that topic. You can't probably debate someone if they don't believe the topic b/c you're not arguing with logic, just debating for the sake of debate.
Look, he just sucks!

Don't argue over things that can't be changed. Things like dumping all of their friends, or their family. Not realistic, especially if they have a decent relationship with them. If it's an unhealthy relationship that's different but if they get along with their family, and you just hate one of their siblings...that's not good. Work on trying to get along, you don't have to be best friends (no one asked you to be) but work on civility and this is a good opportunity to practice your social skills.

If you do get in a real argument, don't call names, and don't bring up old topics that aren't relevant but you are still bitter over. Don't bring up past boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean it's personal, but don't make it personal, does that make sense? If crazy emotions start getting tossed in there, then it just gets really messy. Maybe I just don't like messes.

It is said that guys want to solve problems when girls just want sympathy/empathy. I dunno about that, my first inclination is to try to solve problems, but this dichotomy can also be the source of problems. I think that whatever gender stereotype you fall under, know which one you tend to do and understand that there are benefits and downsides to each type. If you're a problem solver, try to be more empathic so you don't come across as a emotionless bastard robot. If you're an empathizer don't get bogged down too much in the emotions and be a bit more practical. (Hey, shut up out there, I'm trying to be more empathetic, it's really hard! I never said this crap was easy!)

And never escalate to actually physical fighting. It shouldn't ever get there and although words can hurt, a kick to the face hurts more.

The key is try to understand the other person, try to keep communication lines open, don't get personal, avoid arguments with no solution, and no kicks to the face or knees (belly is ok).