settling (continued!)

I wrote about a month ago about article about setting and mentioned this book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Lori Gottlieb. I did in fact put it on hold and I read it last night.

It was a very interesting book and I think the title is much more off putting than the content of the book. I think we hear the word settling and think that it means we're getting a C quality item instead of an A+. Well I guess the author says that it's not about choosing the C, but being happy with a good solid B. B/c that B has better fitting traits in the long term. One of the headings in the book is called, "Confusing good daters with good husbands." The traits that make an exciting and super fun boyfriend are not necessarily what are make a good stable partnership...it's like your friends. Just b/c someone is really fun to hang out with, doesn't mean they'll be a good roommate.

A quote from the book was, "What matters is finding the perfect partner--not the perfect person. It's not about lowering your standards--it's about maturing and having reasonable expectations."

I when read that, I thought it seems very reasonable. No one is perfect. If you date someone and then dump them later b/c you think someone better might come along, but you're gambling. (wow it totally sounds like, you have to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm not saying that, but this is advice for people who do want long term relationships.)

Another quote from the book, "...I told her that about 15 percent of men are over six feet tall, and 80 percent of women want them. Most of that 80 percent won't compromise. Do the math! How can 80 percent of women get 15 percent of men?" I think that people often have things that they really really want in a partner but one of the dating "experts" in the book said, if you're having a hard time meeting decent people you have to really narrow down what is important to you, like the three most important traits. If being tall is one of them I guess that's ok but maybe then you won't have space for things like sense of humor or you know, being a nice human being.

I mentioned this before in my previous posts but Gottlieb words it so much nicer (she is a writer after all and I'm just a blogger), she says that it's important to base your criteria on subjective things and not objective things. Rachel Greenwald, a writer that was interviewed for the book says, "knock off anything as a deal-breaker that's "objective" (age, height, where he went to college, what kind of job he has, how much hair he has, whether he has kids or an ex-wife_ and focus on what's "subjective" (maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity, ability to commit)." I think making your criteria based on subjective things are what will ultimately create more stability in your relationship...so even though they may share all the same hobbies with you and be the cutest thing ever (ever!!!) if they have the emotional maturity of a hamster, it probably won't work out long term.

One of the other points Gottlieb mentions is how women are looking for a man who's manly and yet sensitive. She calls it a "nice guy with balls". A recent CNN article on the same topic talks about how men if they want women need to be less nice. I don't think men should be less nice, I think that nice guys need to be confident (b/c yes, nerd guys are awesome too) and I think more women will respond to that. The phrase needs to be changed to confident and nice. That should be achievable right?

One of my favorite quotes is "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein.
I love this quote b/c honestly people do do the same things over and over and thing it's going to end up differently somehow. They'll date the same type of exciting and slightly dangerous person and think that if they just try harder, it'll work out. Look at Penny on Big Bang Theory. She keeps going after meathead guys and they just keep breaking her heart. I realised that I would have to stop liking sarcastic jerks, b/c yeah they're really funny, but they're jerks. It's in the title. If what you're doing right now isn't working...then something is wrong, and you need to readjust your patterns, and who you are currently seeking out. B/c if it was working, you wouldn't be dating unsuccessfully.

Although probably not of use to most of the readers here, I just wanted to mention Gottlieb's experiences with speed dating. I haven't tried speed dating, I was tempted to try last summer but didn't get around to it and now it's too late. Anyhow, she was in the 40-50 age category and there were 10 women and 6 men and all of the men were like vastly older than 50, like they were 55 or older. The person running the event said all the of the guys in their 40s participant in the 30-40 category b/c they want younger women. I think this is just another example of how it sucks a lot more for women to age than it does for men. Just my little ranty rant now.

Anyhow, the main thing I got from this book was don't over analyze. Often women have a tendency to over discuss the minutiae of their dating lives with their girlfriends b/c sometimes girlfriends don't know shit about shat. I've heard about girls convincing their friend to date some other guy b/c they don't like how their boyfriend is too quiet or whatever. It's lame and honestly, unless you're unhappy, they should be supportive. Don't go around thinking that there is always a better guy out there. I also know guys who have been dumped b/c their significant other thought they could find better. Well this book says that if someone gets divorced and remarried, they aren't necessarily happier than in the first marriage...b/c they're people who are always going to regret something, and find something to be upset with. You should try to find someone who appreciates your good traits and doesn't just focus on your bad habits. Constantly being on the prowl for something better means you can never be happy with what's in front of us. It's like in Aesop's Fables with the bird who dropped his food in the river b/c he saw his reflection and wanted that food too. He ended up with nothing b/c he was greedy. Again, it's not having no standards but not wasting your whole life waiting for Christian Bale (pre-Terminator freak out) to find you.

Next week, a nerdier topic, How to deal with interpersonal relationships in your gaming group (ie, dating the GM!)