I was going to call this the backup plan but that was a movie just recently and I think it wasn't very good, sooo, I had to rename it, plus it reminds me of Batman b/c he always has contingency plans. :)
So I'm making up for laziness from last week, hopefully this week's post will be more interesting.
Ok, there are a couple of ways to think about contingency plans. One is like in the movie the Backup Plan or like in My Best Friend's Wedding. Both of these ideas assume that you'll be single and alone forever unless you take drastic measures so in the first version, you adopt or conceive as a single person and build your family by birthing it and in the second version you make deals with a good generally opposite gendered friend to have a loveless marriage if you haven't married by a certain age. I think in My Best Friend's Wedding, they were 30 which now to me sounds like a ridiculously young age to "give up". But hey, you won't be alone anymore right?
I used to think these were perfectly reasonable plans, but now I think that it's for people who have really given up and probably didn't that hard in the first place...or maybe for people who are too picky and had great opportunities but squandered them. Anyhow, I'm not sure I approve of that method b/c again, the My Best Friend's Wedding scenario is like the non-boyfriend boyfriend situation in which case someone is probably going get hurt (like in the movie).
So now we get to what I am thinking of when I think contingency plans, which is specific to online dating. It may also explain why it seems you might be getting mixed signals from someone. So it's this, when you're online dating, you may be getting contacted by several individuals. Since we all have a limited amount of time, I think the most efficient thing to do it line them up. Pick who you think is the most likely to be compatible and start communicating with that person. When you get to the dating stage, if you've got people in your queue, now is the time to start slowing down the messages. Instead of responding everyday, start padding a couple of days in between responses. I think this is better than getting to the stage where you're supposed to be dating like 4 guys at once b/c that just sounds like too much work to me. If it doesn't seem like it's going to work out with the first person, move on to the next person that you've lined up.
This seems like an efficient way of dealing with multiple dating opportunities.
Why do it this way? B/c I think from the geeky guy standpoint, they are more likely to be competing with multiple other guys for the same girl. So although lining up guys seems cruel, you are helping them b/c you aren't completely ignoring them and you aren't leading them on by dating three or four guys at once. B/c say you date a guy and that guy really likes you but you're dating another guy also that you totally more. So that first nerd is going to feel hurt b/c he's going to ask you to go on more dates but you are trying to date the second guy more... yeah it's just messy and not a great idea.
Naysayers might say, well what if the next guy is better than the guy I'm dating now? Well there is a flaw to that line of logic...if you're happy now, how do you know the other guy is going to make you more happy? It could be better but could be and is probably more likely to be worse. I think a lot of girls have this problem, they're never satisfied...don't be that girl, b/c if you have a good thing, why spoil it. Now if your relationship actually sucks, then go ahead and move on, but if you're happy but it's not perfect, you need to understand that no relationship is perfect and happy is a good goal.
So yes, line em up. Actually that's the advice they give when sparring multiple people in martial arts, b/c it's easier to deal with one person at a time than two at once.
(hey sorry about the half post!!)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
What not to do on a first date
I don’t even remember if I did this topic already but it bears (bares?) repeating--what not to do on a date or only do these if you don’t want to ever date this girl again.
1. Be late. Being late shows disrespect and unless you have a good excuse like your car broke down or there was unexpected traffic on the freeway, you should meet on time. However, excuses like, there was traffic coming from LA, that’s lame. There’s always traffic coming from LA, and you should account for that in your traveling times.
2. Wear crap ass clothes. While we don’t expect Mr. GQ to appear on these dates, I think guys should put in an effort to wear clothes that fit properly, aren’t dying (so no sweatshirts with fraying collars or holes anywhere), are clean, and relatively wrinkle free. To assist in wrinkle free-ness I suggest no linen pants…of course if you’re a guy who wears linen pants, you have bigger problems. By extension, being stinky, dirty, or unkempt. Don’t ask a guy friend to see if you’re ok, get a woman to check the odor level. Women have better senses of smell so they’re a better judge if you’re wearing too much cologne or if you need to shower yet again. And remember, cologne was only a substitute for bathing in the medieval period, it doesn’t count anymore.
3. Be overeager. Nothing wrong with being excited or a little nervous about a first date, as they can be the beginning of a great relationship, but being so overeager to the point where you creep the other person out, that’s bad. Again, the stink of desperation wafts far and wide.
4. Talk about religion and politics. Or really this can be any topic that maybe you’re a little too passionate about. If you’re both nerds and one of you is a Marvel fan and the other is a DC fan, I dunno if you should be getting into arguments over who’s more awesome Batman or the Hulk (although obviously it’s Batman) b/c there have been many successful intercomic relationships. You can love someone and they can still be wrong about their choice of reading materials. :)
5. Get shit-faced and by that I mean get drunk off your ass. No one is that awesome of a drunk where it should be the first impression that you make on someone. And you’re going to lose a lot of points if you vomit on her shoes.
6. Acting like a boor. Not a boar, or a bore (although those two are also bad) but a boor. Which basically means a dude with no manners, like burping rudely, talking about inappropriate things like her butt or boobs even if it’s a compliment, talking about someone else’s butt or boobs, scratching your crotch or butt or your armpit, talking about your medical history (we don’t need to know about the rash you have on your back right now but it might be medically relevant later), or basically anything your mom would have smacked you for talking about at the dinner table. The types of conversations you can have with a group of D&D buddies is really different than when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Also, maybe you don’t have to lay your jacket on puddles for her, but hold the door open if you get there first (I believe that whoever gets there first holds open the door, but I could be wrong here) and basically don’t be a jerk.
7. Being a bore. If you wax eloquent on the differences between the different types of Star Trek and and she is yawning like a mofo and has a glazed look in the eye, you should probably not continue your discussion of Picard vs Kirk (Picard all the way!). Either she’s really bored and that’s bad or she’s having a minor stroke and that’s also bad. Yes, I believe that too long of a debate on Trek can cause strokes.
8. Being rude to the waitstaff. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, especially people who are “lower” than them. If someone is rude or mean to waiters and other people in the service industry, then they might treat other people like crap too. The person you’re out with might be a doctor now but they might have been a server at the Spaghetti Factory in college and they probably don’t have fond memories of mean customers.
9. Constantly check your electronic devices or pick up phone calls or twitter the entire process. It’s just rude. Again, you have just a few hours to try to convince this person that you should go out again, and you’re going to waste that time twittering? Hang up the phone and twitter after you get back home, your audience can wait.
10. Talk about your past relationships. If it comes up, don’t like avoid the question but don’t go on a huge tirade about evil ex number 2 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) b/c it’ll make you seem crazy. If you’ve not been very lucky in love before don’t get all emo about it either, b/c girls don’t like to pity date.
11. Tell her you’re going to call if you aren’t. B/c that’s just a douchebag thing to do.
12. Grab her and stick your tongue down her throat. I believe that’s called assault. You can’t force stuff like that. The best response you can expect from this kind of behavior is a swift kick to the crotch.
Now let’s play a game and try to guess how many of these rules I broke on my first dates?! Haha, oh sad.
Oh, here is cnn's list of dating mistakes. It's pretty different from mine... :P
1. Be late. Being late shows disrespect and unless you have a good excuse like your car broke down or there was unexpected traffic on the freeway, you should meet on time. However, excuses like, there was traffic coming from LA, that’s lame. There’s always traffic coming from LA, and you should account for that in your traveling times.
2. Wear crap ass clothes. While we don’t expect Mr. GQ to appear on these dates, I think guys should put in an effort to wear clothes that fit properly, aren’t dying (so no sweatshirts with fraying collars or holes anywhere), are clean, and relatively wrinkle free. To assist in wrinkle free-ness I suggest no linen pants…of course if you’re a guy who wears linen pants, you have bigger problems. By extension, being stinky, dirty, or unkempt. Don’t ask a guy friend to see if you’re ok, get a woman to check the odor level. Women have better senses of smell so they’re a better judge if you’re wearing too much cologne or if you need to shower yet again. And remember, cologne was only a substitute for bathing in the medieval period, it doesn’t count anymore.
3. Be overeager. Nothing wrong with being excited or a little nervous about a first date, as they can be the beginning of a great relationship, but being so overeager to the point where you creep the other person out, that’s bad. Again, the stink of desperation wafts far and wide.
4. Talk about religion and politics. Or really this can be any topic that maybe you’re a little too passionate about. If you’re both nerds and one of you is a Marvel fan and the other is a DC fan, I dunno if you should be getting into arguments over who’s more awesome Batman or the Hulk (although obviously it’s Batman) b/c there have been many successful intercomic relationships. You can love someone and they can still be wrong about their choice of reading materials. :)
5. Get shit-faced and by that I mean get drunk off your ass. No one is that awesome of a drunk where it should be the first impression that you make on someone. And you’re going to lose a lot of points if you vomit on her shoes.
6. Acting like a boor. Not a boar, or a bore (although those two are also bad) but a boor. Which basically means a dude with no manners, like burping rudely, talking about inappropriate things like her butt or boobs even if it’s a compliment, talking about someone else’s butt or boobs, scratching your crotch or butt or your armpit, talking about your medical history (we don’t need to know about the rash you have on your back right now but it might be medically relevant later), or basically anything your mom would have smacked you for talking about at the dinner table. The types of conversations you can have with a group of D&D buddies is really different than when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Also, maybe you don’t have to lay your jacket on puddles for her, but hold the door open if you get there first (I believe that whoever gets there first holds open the door, but I could be wrong here) and basically don’t be a jerk.
7. Being a bore. If you wax eloquent on the differences between the different types of Star Trek and and she is yawning like a mofo and has a glazed look in the eye, you should probably not continue your discussion of Picard vs Kirk (Picard all the way!). Either she’s really bored and that’s bad or she’s having a minor stroke and that’s also bad. Yes, I believe that too long of a debate on Trek can cause strokes.
8. Being rude to the waitstaff. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, especially people who are “lower” than them. If someone is rude or mean to waiters and other people in the service industry, then they might treat other people like crap too. The person you’re out with might be a doctor now but they might have been a server at the Spaghetti Factory in college and they probably don’t have fond memories of mean customers.
9. Constantly check your electronic devices or pick up phone calls or twitter the entire process. It’s just rude. Again, you have just a few hours to try to convince this person that you should go out again, and you’re going to waste that time twittering? Hang up the phone and twitter after you get back home, your audience can wait.
10. Talk about your past relationships. If it comes up, don’t like avoid the question but don’t go on a huge tirade about evil ex number 2 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) b/c it’ll make you seem crazy. If you’ve not been very lucky in love before don’t get all emo about it either, b/c girls don’t like to pity date.
11. Tell her you’re going to call if you aren’t. B/c that’s just a douchebag thing to do.
12. Grab her and stick your tongue down her throat. I believe that’s called assault. You can’t force stuff like that. The best response you can expect from this kind of behavior is a swift kick to the crotch.
Now let’s play a game and try to guess how many of these rules I broke on my first dates?! Haha, oh sad.
Oh, here is cnn's list of dating mistakes. It's pretty different from mine... :P
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
self acceptance
I was going to put up another topic today but I had to write this one. I often pick my topics b/c of something I read on the internet but as you guys probably know, it's also from events and topics in my life or in my friend's or family's lives. So this one is a bit from current events but also from stuff that I learned a couple of years ago while in a deep deep funk after the dissolution of my second relationship (I don't regret the breakup at all, the guy was a douche, but I regret not realising it earlier!) and what followed which was a series of stupid decisions on my part and then figuring out I needed to get my shit together.
So here's some of the stuff I figured out with help from friends and family kicking me in the butt.
1) Change what you don't like about yourself. Don't want to be a rage-aholic anymore? Then work on it. Want to be more organized in your life. Work on it. Want to be a better dancer. Take a class. You might not always succeed and it might not always be easy, but don't sit around and whine about flaws if you're not working to fix them.
2) Accept things you can't change. You can't change how tall you are or what you look like (without the assistance of surgery anyhow) so you might as well accept it. Don't like your sister? Unless you're going to totally stop seeing her, learn to be civil for a couple of hours. Stressing over this type of stuff doesn't help. You can plan to get out of those situations but for the moment if you can't do anything about it, don't get yourself all worked up all the time.
2b) Embrace what you got left. Even if these are not necessarily great traits by real world standards. I like being rather blunt (some friends would say disturbingly honest) so even though it could be considered a negative, I have made it part of my group of characteristics. Same as being a nerd. I've learned to embrace it. So do you larp? Be proud! In Role Models, Augie Farks played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin'!) is a LARP nerd and what I really appreciated about the movie is that they didn't make him want to be a nerd who wanted to be cool like in so many other movies like Pretty in Pink or She's All That or the Lucas (this is my friend's suggestion, I don't recall the movie at all). Embrace your oddities! And if you don't, change them!
To pull an example from Big Bang Theory, Sheldon is happy being who is he (Well he's happy by Sheldon measures). He doesn't care if he's weird, he's good at being himself, so geek, physicist, anime, sci-fi, ren faire nerd, gamer, he's cool with all those titles. Leonard on the other hand is less happy. He is similar to Leonard in that they share a lot of the same interests but while he enjoys classic video game night, it always seems that he wants more. Well he wants Penny but he thinks that in order to get Penny he kinda has to be a different person. He wants to be cool like the douchebag physicist that Penny dated and later found out was married (played by BSG's Anders!). He hasn't accepted who he is yet, which is a comic book reading, D&D playing, time machine purchasing hardcore geek. BTW, I think Penny does like him and while she's had issues with his nerdity, it's more about her own self insecurity rather than his nerdiness that drove them apart initally.
Here's a list of unapologetic characters and they tend to be pretty badass:
Sue Sylvester from Glee
Jack Bauer from 24
Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You
Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Mal Reynolds from Firefly (he's got a lot of issues but he doesn't apologise for what he is)
Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory (not really badass but he is most people's favorite character)
Do these characters have flaws? Of course they do, as all people have flaws but you change what you don't like about yourself, accept what you can't change, and embrace the parts you keep.
Oh, I guess the other word for what I'm describing here is confidence. :D HAHA! Nerds and confidant aren't like often used together, maybe that's why I didn't think of it earlier.
So anyhow, in conclusion, what's the key lesson? It's ok to be a douche but then don't get mad if people call you one. ;P B/c if you're ok with who you are, the truth shouldn't hurt.
So here's some of the stuff I figured out with help from friends and family kicking me in the butt.
1) Change what you don't like about yourself. Don't want to be a rage-aholic anymore? Then work on it. Want to be more organized in your life. Work on it. Want to be a better dancer. Take a class. You might not always succeed and it might not always be easy, but don't sit around and whine about flaws if you're not working to fix them.2) Accept things you can't change. You can't change how tall you are or what you look like (without the assistance of surgery anyhow) so you might as well accept it. Don't like your sister? Unless you're going to totally stop seeing her, learn to be civil for a couple of hours. Stressing over this type of stuff doesn't help. You can plan to get out of those situations but for the moment if you can't do anything about it, don't get yourself all worked up all the time.
2b) Embrace what you got left. Even if these are not necessarily great traits by real world standards. I like being rather blunt (some friends would say disturbingly honest) so even though it could be considered a negative, I have made it part of my group of characteristics. Same as being a nerd. I've learned to embrace it. So do you larp? Be proud! In Role Models, Augie Farks played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin'!) is a LARP nerd and what I really appreciated about the movie is that they didn't make him want to be a nerd who wanted to be cool like in so many other movies like Pretty in Pink or She's All That or the Lucas (this is my friend's suggestion, I don't recall the movie at all). Embrace your oddities! And if you don't, change them!
To pull an example from Big Bang Theory, Sheldon is happy being who is he (Well he's happy by Sheldon measures). He doesn't care if he's weird, he's good at being himself, so geek, physicist, anime, sci-fi, ren faire nerd, gamer, he's cool with all those titles. Leonard on the other hand is less happy. He is similar to Leonard in that they share a lot of the same interests but while he enjoys classic video game night, it always seems that he wants more. Well he wants Penny but he thinks that in order to get Penny he kinda has to be a different person. He wants to be cool like the douchebag physicist that Penny dated and later found out was married (played by BSG's Anders!). He hasn't accepted who he is yet, which is a comic book reading, D&D playing, time machine purchasing hardcore geek. BTW, I think Penny does like him and while she's had issues with his nerdity, it's more about her own self insecurity rather than his nerdiness that drove them apart initally.
Here's a list of unapologetic characters and they tend to be pretty badass:
Sue Sylvester from Glee
Jack Bauer from 24
Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You
Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Mal Reynolds from Firefly (he's got a lot of issues but he doesn't apologise for what he is)
Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory (not really badass but he is most people's favorite character)
Do these characters have flaws? Of course they do, as all people have flaws but you change what you don't like about yourself, accept what you can't change, and embrace the parts you keep.
Oh, I guess the other word for what I'm describing here is confidence. :D HAHA! Nerds and confidant aren't like often used together, maybe that's why I didn't think of it earlier.
So anyhow, in conclusion, what's the key lesson? It's ok to be a douche but then don't get mad if people call you one. ;P B/c if you're ok with who you are, the truth shouldn't hurt.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Being A Grownup
An article on CNN inspired me to write this post.
Growing up as a geek doesn't mean that you have to give up your hobbies, it means taking responsibility for your actions.
The author of the article says that in order to be a real grownup, you have to do these 10 things (I have added my thoughts after each one).
"• Face life's challenges head-on. (instead of placing the blame for all bad things on other people, or bad luck. You get over it and go forward.)
• Make peace with your body. (no more moping about how you wish you were fill-in-the-blank. Everyone wishes they were taller, thinner, buffer, better looking, etc but you have to be happy with the person you are now. I think as geeks we also have to learn to make peace with our geek status. If you're a geek but still yearn to be cool, I think that's going to cause problems in your life and in your relationships.)
• Take responsibility for your heart. (I think they mean here is you have some control over your romantic destiny. Don't be like a junior high student and just stare at your crush, do something about it. And if you have a break up, after a reasonable moping time, go and evaluate the relationship and think honestly about what were the good and bad parts and what would you do differently in the future.)
• Build a meaningful career. (some people are happy being drifters...I'm totally not one of those guys. I think even for people who aren't working persay, you need some kind of goal. Maybe you're a great stay at home parent or volunteer for your favorite charities. I think even if you aren't a money-maker, you need to have some kind of aspirations for life.)
• Learn how to handle the tough times. (everyone's got troubles, the things that differentiate us is how we handle those problems. Do you let it destroy you and everything you've worked for or do you come out of the fire even stronger like a phoenix?)
• Face your anxieties. (again, we all worry about stuff, but are they rational? Don't let irrational thought patterns control your life. Like don't not date b/c you had your heart broken before, but go back out there, hopefully a bit wiser and not too jaded.)
• Take ownership of your finances. (not that you have to be like rich or anything but I think taking ownership means you're not in denial about your credit card or student loan debt and have a reasonable plan for the future that doesn't involve marrying a rich dude or winning the lottery or waiting for a rich relation to kick off.)
• Master the use of your time. (OMG, this is a massive pet peeve of mine. Generally if you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you should be there at that time unless there was some crazy emergency but if you know there's going to be traffic b/c there's always traffic at that time, that really isn't an excuse. Also this covers things like getting assignments done on time, not flaking out, making sure you get enough sleep at night, crap like that. Staying up til 4 in the morning playing WoW when you have to be at work at 8 is not a great idea. )
• Practice dynamic communication. (for geeks, dynamic communication skills would be being about to talk to people and not bore them with too much detail and yet not being so vague and stammery as to not convey any information. But ultimately, being able to effectively communicate is a key to being an adult. B/c if you're still pulling crap like making them play guessing games at why you're mad, yeah, that's not being an adult.)
• Find the right level of flexibility. (learning how to effectively compromise, not being a doormat and not being an a-hole either. Learning when to stick with your principles and when to shut up.)
In short, own up."
I think this is incredibly good advice, b/c again, mentally healthy, stable people are more likely to have healthier stablier relationships. (I have no stats to back this up but it must be true. IT MUST! B/c I know people who are nuts who are in relationships but it'll be all stressful and full of crazy arguing.)
Think about reasons why people break up, and then look back at this list, I think many of the reasons why people break up can be attributed to not having finished all the things on the list.
I will once again repeat that it's not your hobbies that determine if you're an adult or a child, it's how you react to a situation and your decisions. So giving up WoW isn't going to change how mature you are, it's how you react to WoW that determines your maturity.
Growing up as a geek doesn't mean that you have to give up your hobbies, it means taking responsibility for your actions.
The author of the article says that in order to be a real grownup, you have to do these 10 things (I have added my thoughts after each one).
"• Face life's challenges head-on. (instead of placing the blame for all bad things on other people, or bad luck. You get over it and go forward.)
• Make peace with your body. (no more moping about how you wish you were fill-in-the-blank. Everyone wishes they were taller, thinner, buffer, better looking, etc but you have to be happy with the person you are now. I think as geeks we also have to learn to make peace with our geek status. If you're a geek but still yearn to be cool, I think that's going to cause problems in your life and in your relationships.)
• Take responsibility for your heart. (I think they mean here is you have some control over your romantic destiny. Don't be like a junior high student and just stare at your crush, do something about it. And if you have a break up, after a reasonable moping time, go and evaluate the relationship and think honestly about what were the good and bad parts and what would you do differently in the future.)
• Build a meaningful career. (some people are happy being drifters...I'm totally not one of those guys. I think even for people who aren't working persay, you need some kind of goal. Maybe you're a great stay at home parent or volunteer for your favorite charities. I think even if you aren't a money-maker, you need to have some kind of aspirations for life.)
• Learn how to handle the tough times. (everyone's got troubles, the things that differentiate us is how we handle those problems. Do you let it destroy you and everything you've worked for or do you come out of the fire even stronger like a phoenix?)
• Face your anxieties. (again, we all worry about stuff, but are they rational? Don't let irrational thought patterns control your life. Like don't not date b/c you had your heart broken before, but go back out there, hopefully a bit wiser and not too jaded.)
• Take ownership of your finances. (not that you have to be like rich or anything but I think taking ownership means you're not in denial about your credit card or student loan debt and have a reasonable plan for the future that doesn't involve marrying a rich dude or winning the lottery or waiting for a rich relation to kick off.)
• Master the use of your time. (OMG, this is a massive pet peeve of mine. Generally if you say you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, you should be there at that time unless there was some crazy emergency but if you know there's going to be traffic b/c there's always traffic at that time, that really isn't an excuse. Also this covers things like getting assignments done on time, not flaking out, making sure you get enough sleep at night, crap like that. Staying up til 4 in the morning playing WoW when you have to be at work at 8 is not a great idea. )
• Practice dynamic communication. (for geeks, dynamic communication skills would be being about to talk to people and not bore them with too much detail and yet not being so vague and stammery as to not convey any information. But ultimately, being able to effectively communicate is a key to being an adult. B/c if you're still pulling crap like making them play guessing games at why you're mad, yeah, that's not being an adult.)
• Find the right level of flexibility. (learning how to effectively compromise, not being a doormat and not being an a-hole either. Learning when to stick with your principles and when to shut up.)
In short, own up."
I think this is incredibly good advice, b/c again, mentally healthy, stable people are more likely to have healthier stablier relationships. (I have no stats to back this up but it must be true. IT MUST! B/c I know people who are nuts who are in relationships but it'll be all stressful and full of crazy arguing.)
Think about reasons why people break up, and then look back at this list, I think many of the reasons why people break up can be attributed to not having finished all the things on the list.
I will once again repeat that it's not your hobbies that determine if you're an adult or a child, it's how you react to a situation and your decisions. So giving up WoW isn't going to change how mature you are, it's how you react to WoW that determines your maturity.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
you think too much
This is for all you over-analyzers out there.
In nerd world we are blessed with things like intelligence, powers of observation, and a disturbing recollection of every Star Trek episode aired, however we make up for these positives with weaknesses such as a general lack of social skills and a paralyzing fear of the opposite sex.
What this results in is nerds over-analyzing everything. EVERYTHING. What did that box represent in the last episode of Lost?! It's just a box! (Actually I'm totally making that up b/c I don't watch Lost but I know that people love to read into every little thing on that show.) When it comes to relationships, or potential future relationships we fall into the same traps. ("It's a tarp!" Did I make that joke last time? B/c it's still funny to me! :P) Here's a classic example, there's a cute girl you see on a regular basis, perhaps you work together or you hang out at the same place. Sometimes she smiles at you or says hi. You've had a couple of very short conservations about trivialities. A regular guy might just think, "hey she's a nice person." The over-analyzer thinks, "dude, maybe she LIKES ME b/c she's nice and she talks to me and I think we'd have a lot in common. I think she's maybe even flirting. I should totally like stalk her and ask her out. Perhaps not in that order."
Thought patterns like this aren't healthy. As someone who spends a lot of time in male dominated areas such as game stores and comic book stores, you can encounter a lot of over-analyzers. Again, this is where being nice can bite you in the ass, b/c the guys start thinking...oh she's nice...she might like me...I need to ask her out (or in my case, invite me to join their D&D games). I will say at least in my case, I'm just being nice...and if I'm at work and being nice, then I'm paid to be nice to people...it's really not you, it's my job.
Ok, so here's the next step in the over-analyzer's brain, you've already convinced yourself that she's awesome and she might like you. So you go and tell all your friends about the situation and try to get them to give their input. Here you are looking for affirmation of your craziness. Say you ask 20 people and 19 of them are like, "nah, she's just being nice", that 1 person who said, "dude, go for it!", that's the person you're going to listen to, b/c you've just ignored logic and reasoning and you really just want someone to agree with you. And say your friends are also antisocial types who like to over-analyze women, and they do agree with your assessment; it's still a bad idea b/c they have a skewed opinion. They too want to believe in these circumstances and so will agree b/c then it validates their own crazy crushes on random women.
Next, with advice in tow you ask her out. It's probably going to be a really awkward, stilted kind of ask out b/c face it, we're awkward people. You might ask her out in person or via text or facebook if you know her a little. In person, she might hem and haw but not answer, perhaps changing the topic or saying that she needs to find you a girlfriend, or that she's pretty busy. This answer is not a yes. True, she didn't say no, but if she meant yes, she'd say yes. Let me refer you to a previous post, no means no but let me add the corollary, no answer probably also means no too. If you text or facebook ask her out and she doesn't answer, that also means no. It's unlikely the message was lost or that she didn't check her messages--she's ignoring you and hope you go away.
So what is the average geek over-thinker going to do? Give up? Hells no! They're going to try again. They might go a direct route by just asking again, esp since she didn't say no, she could say yes this time! Let me just say that future attempts will probably not be more successful. The geek might go about it a more sneaky way by telling the girl, "let's be friends". You are trying to trap her, b/c if she agrees to be friends, your goal is to not be her friend, it's to show her how great of a potential boyfriend you could be that she'll totally realise she's a freaking idiot and should totally date you. Again, a really flawed plan b/c she's going to figure out that your intentions are not pure...and then she's going to kick you to the curb again.
Ok, here's the new you. Quit overthinking it. If you think about the situation more than you've actually interacted with that girl, you're over-analyzing it. If there is a nice girl, sure you can ask her out but don't piss and moan about the whole situation while you review in your head every single thing she said to you. And if she doesn't answer, move on. And if she says no, move on. While I'm not advocating all action and no thought, I'm saying that sometimes things are straightforward. For the over-analyzer, maybe what you should be evaluating is the way you approach relationships.
In nerd world we are blessed with things like intelligence, powers of observation, and a disturbing recollection of every Star Trek episode aired, however we make up for these positives with weaknesses such as a general lack of social skills and a paralyzing fear of the opposite sex.
What this results in is nerds over-analyzing everything. EVERYTHING. What did that box represent in the last episode of Lost?! It's just a box! (Actually I'm totally making that up b/c I don't watch Lost but I know that people love to read into every little thing on that show.) When it comes to relationships, or potential future relationships we fall into the same traps. ("It's a tarp!" Did I make that joke last time? B/c it's still funny to me! :P) Here's a classic example, there's a cute girl you see on a regular basis, perhaps you work together or you hang out at the same place. Sometimes she smiles at you or says hi. You've had a couple of very short conservations about trivialities. A regular guy might just think, "hey she's a nice person." The over-analyzer thinks, "dude, maybe she LIKES ME b/c she's nice and she talks to me and I think we'd have a lot in common. I think she's maybe even flirting. I should totally like stalk her and ask her out. Perhaps not in that order."
Thought patterns like this aren't healthy. As someone who spends a lot of time in male dominated areas such as game stores and comic book stores, you can encounter a lot of over-analyzers. Again, this is where being nice can bite you in the ass, b/c the guys start thinking...oh she's nice...she might like me...I need to ask her out (or in my case, invite me to join their D&D games). I will say at least in my case, I'm just being nice...and if I'm at work and being nice, then I'm paid to be nice to people...it's really not you, it's my job.
Ok, so here's the next step in the over-analyzer's brain, you've already convinced yourself that she's awesome and she might like you. So you go and tell all your friends about the situation and try to get them to give their input. Here you are looking for affirmation of your craziness. Say you ask 20 people and 19 of them are like, "nah, she's just being nice", that 1 person who said, "dude, go for it!", that's the person you're going to listen to, b/c you've just ignored logic and reasoning and you really just want someone to agree with you. And say your friends are also antisocial types who like to over-analyze women, and they do agree with your assessment; it's still a bad idea b/c they have a skewed opinion. They too want to believe in these circumstances and so will agree b/c then it validates their own crazy crushes on random women.
Next, with advice in tow you ask her out. It's probably going to be a really awkward, stilted kind of ask out b/c face it, we're awkward people. You might ask her out in person or via text or facebook if you know her a little. In person, she might hem and haw but not answer, perhaps changing the topic or saying that she needs to find you a girlfriend, or that she's pretty busy. This answer is not a yes. True, she didn't say no, but if she meant yes, she'd say yes. Let me refer you to a previous post, no means no but let me add the corollary, no answer probably also means no too. If you text or facebook ask her out and she doesn't answer, that also means no. It's unlikely the message was lost or that she didn't check her messages--she's ignoring you and hope you go away.
So what is the average geek over-thinker going to do? Give up? Hells no! They're going to try again. They might go a direct route by just asking again, esp since she didn't say no, she could say yes this time! Let me just say that future attempts will probably not be more successful. The geek might go about it a more sneaky way by telling the girl, "let's be friends". You are trying to trap her, b/c if she agrees to be friends, your goal is to not be her friend, it's to show her how great of a potential boyfriend you could be that she'll totally realise she's a freaking idiot and should totally date you. Again, a really flawed plan b/c she's going to figure out that your intentions are not pure...and then she's going to kick you to the curb again.
Ok, here's the new you. Quit overthinking it. If you think about the situation more than you've actually interacted with that girl, you're over-analyzing it. If there is a nice girl, sure you can ask her out but don't piss and moan about the whole situation while you review in your head every single thing she said to you. And if she doesn't answer, move on. And if she says no, move on. While I'm not advocating all action and no thought, I'm saying that sometimes things are straightforward. For the over-analyzer, maybe what you should be evaluating is the way you approach relationships.
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