Thursday, June 24, 2010

What not to do on a first date

I don’t even remember if I did this topic already but it bears (bares?) repeating--what not to do on a date or only do these if you don’t want to ever date this girl again.

1. Be late. Being late shows disrespect and unless you have a good excuse like your car broke down or there was unexpected traffic on the freeway, you should meet on time. However, excuses like, there was traffic coming from LA, that’s lame. There’s always traffic coming from LA, and you should account for that in your traveling times.

2. Wear crap ass clothes. While we don’t expect Mr. GQ to appear on these dates, I think guys should put in an effort to wear clothes that fit properly, aren’t dying (so no sweatshirts with fraying collars or holes anywhere), are clean, and relatively wrinkle free. To assist in wrinkle free-ness I suggest no linen pants…of course if you’re a guy who wears linen pants, you have bigger problems. By extension, being stinky, dirty, or unkempt. Don’t ask a guy friend to see if you’re ok, get a woman to check the odor level. Women have better senses of smell so they’re a better judge if you’re wearing too much cologne or if you need to shower yet again. And remember, cologne was only a substitute for bathing in the medieval period, it doesn’t count anymore.

3. Be overeager. Nothing wrong with being excited or a little nervous about a first date, as they can be the beginning of a great relationship, but being so overeager to the point where you creep the other person out, that’s bad. Again, the stink of desperation wafts far and wide.

4. Talk about religion and politics. Or really this can be any topic that maybe you’re a little too passionate about. If you’re both nerds and one of you is a Marvel fan and the other is a DC fan, I dunno if you should be getting into arguments over who’s more awesome Batman or the Hulk (although obviously it’s Batman) b/c there have been many successful intercomic relationships. You can love someone and they can still be wrong about their choice of reading materials. :)

5. Get shit-faced and by that I mean get drunk off your ass. No one is that awesome of a drunk where it should be the first impression that you make on someone. And you’re going to lose a lot of points if you vomit on her shoes.

6. Acting like a boor. Not a boar, or a bore (although those two are also bad) but a boor. Which basically means a dude with no manners, like burping rudely, talking about inappropriate things like her butt or boobs even if it’s a compliment, talking about someone else’s butt or boobs, scratching your crotch or butt or your armpit, talking about your medical history (we don’t need to know about the rash you have on your back right now but it might be medically relevant later), or basically anything your mom would have smacked you for talking about at the dinner table. The types of conversations you can have with a group of D&D buddies is really different than when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Also, maybe you don’t have to lay your jacket on puddles for her, but hold the door open if you get there first (I believe that whoever gets there first holds open the door, but I could be wrong here) and basically don’t be a jerk.

7. Being a bore. If you wax eloquent on the differences between the different types of Star Trek and and she is yawning like a mofo and has a glazed look in the eye, you should probably not continue your discussion of Picard vs Kirk (Picard all the way!). Either she’s really bored and that’s bad or she’s having a minor stroke and that’s also bad. Yes, I believe that too long of a debate on Trek can cause strokes.

8. Being rude to the waitstaff. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, especially people who are “lower” than them. If someone is rude or mean to waiters and other people in the service industry, then they might treat other people like crap too. The person you’re out with might be a doctor now but they might have been a server at the Spaghetti Factory in college and they probably don’t have fond memories of mean customers.

9. Constantly check your electronic devices or pick up phone calls or twitter the entire process. It’s just rude. Again, you have just a few hours to try to convince this person that you should go out again, and you’re going to waste that time twittering? Hang up the phone and twitter after you get back home, your audience can wait.

10. Talk about your past relationships. If it comes up, don’t like avoid the question but don’t go on a huge tirade about evil ex number 2 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) b/c it’ll make you seem crazy. If you’ve not been very lucky in love before don’t get all emo about it either, b/c girls don’t like to pity date.

11. Tell her you’re going to call if you aren’t. B/c that’s just a douchebag thing to do.

12. Grab her and stick your tongue down her throat. I believe that’s called assault. You can’t force stuff like that. The best response you can expect from this kind of behavior is a swift kick to the crotch.

Now let’s play a game and try to guess how many of these rules I broke on my first dates?! Haha, oh sad.

Oh, here is cnn's list of dating mistakes. It's pretty different from mine... :P

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