Settling

To settle or not to settle, that is the question. I think that this is something that girls have to deal with more often than guys but it’s really applicable for both genders.

(And to someone who might read this, don’t read between the lines, I’m just reporting what I read in this article! :))

The author of “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” has been getting a lot of flack for her book. This is an article about her book. I guess people are upset at being told to “settle” when it comes to their partners and they don’t like it. Now I have not read this book, but I did just put it on hold from the library so I’ll report what I think when I’m done with it, so I’m going to talk about what I think about this topic.

I think the key is to not settle but to have realistic expectations from a relationship. I think I mentioned this before, but I think I’ve seen a lot of people who are single not b/c they’re not totally awesome people but they have a really long checklist of things that they want in their future partner. Some of these things are important, things like, they should respect you, respect themselves, not hit you, have some sort of goals for the future, things like that. Criteria like, they have to be blond surfing gods with a house in Malibu and makes six figures is probably not a realistic expectation. So, it’s not settling if you are realistic b/c then you’re getting what you want, but what you want is more attainable.

From what I’ve seen and what the author of the book says is that guys tend to be less insanely picky in general when they’re dating. She says that guys tend to be ok with going on a second date with a girl who’s fun to talk to, they consider cute, and seems nice. While women (including me) might go through a checklist of required items any of which might disqualify a guy from any further contact.

It appears that Hollywood has distorted what a real person and a real relationship looks like. There are all these crazy romantic ideas and expectations and as much as you might love Nottinghill you have to remember that it’s not real. No one is perfect, no relationship is perfect and even the best relationships don’t always run smoothly.

Yes, this is broad and generalizing but what you should take away from this is, don’t lower your standards, but make them reasonable standards instead and that should work out better in the long run.

Now the question is, did Starbuck and Apollo settle when they married other people? Dun dun dun! Poor Dee!

Compliments

Sorry about the post delay. I should probably write these ahead of time..but I won’t, so whatevs. :P

Today’s posting is going to be about compliments. I think this is somewhat related to pick up lines but compliments could occur at any moment, not just when you’re meeting someone for the first time.

The thing to remember about complimenting a women is that we can be fickle creatures. We want you to think we’re pretty but if you compliment us too often you dilute the quality of it. It’s like, you say it all the time, it must not mean as much. Especially if you compliment us when we’re in a bad mood then we might think you’re saying it just to placate us, b/c I know I don’t feel pretty when I’m sick and my nose is running and I’m wearing baggy tshirts and sweats. It’s just like in the movies, when saying “you’re pretty” or “I love you” in the middle of an argument is not going to help your case anyhow..

Another thing to remember is that we do want to be complimented if we’ve put an effort into the way we look that day. What this also shows us is that you’re paying attention. So if we get a haircut, point it out and say it’s cute. If we’re wearing a pretty shirt we just got, say it’s a pretty shirt, etc etc. But again, even if you think we’re cute in sweats and with our hair in a ponytail, if you say it everyday, it loses some of its specialness.

Those are two things to remember for if you’re actually in a relationship—if you’re not in a relationship, compliments can be a deathtrap. Be careful of complimenting a coworker, due to fears of sexual harassment claims. I think that if you’re not the best with the social skills, avoid compliments b/c you might not be able to read the signals that the other person is uncomfortable with them.

If you’re trying to meet people, I think compliments fit into the pick up line category and I don’t think they’re very effective. Because you don’t know the other person at all so all you can really base things on are looks, and while some girls might like that, telling another girl that her “ass is smoking” (not the literally on fire kind of smoking) won’t get you very far with any girl of quality. But if you want to go with the compliment a thing that’s probably better… like in one of my previous posts, I put up an article that said a safer conversation starter is one where you talk about something external. So if you’re in a bookstore and you see someone who looks interesting and they’re holding a book you like, mention you can talk about that.

So yes, do provide compliments, but make sure they are sincere and non-creepifying.

Gift Giving amendment

I realised after I finished that post that maybe I sound like gifts are about money, let me reiterate my point, gift giving is about thinking about the other person. One of the best things I ever got was an origami heart from one of my Chinese students with our names written on it. So it's not about the monetary value, it's about how much you care about the person. A surprise picnic lunch could also be a great present for someone.

So final word, don't be a shallow bastard, put some thought into your significant other. (And I <3 presents.)

Gift Giving

Valentine’s Day is coming up and for all you single folks out there, don’t worry, b/c honestly Valentine’s Day is just a day where guys have to spend a lot of money on stuff that girls don’t need. And for those poor suckers who are in a relationship I’m going to share my perspective on gift giving.

(Like in many things, I hereby reserve the right to be completely contradictory in my viewpoint on gifts. To me, it’s part of the tradeoff we have for giving birth. :P)

Women like compliments and women like gifts, but we don’t want random gifts and compliments b/c if things are given without thought, they lose meaning. Anyone can just buy a box of chocolates but a gift that shows that you know someone is more special and it doesn’t necessarily need to cost more. More money does not necessarily correspond to better gift. A $100 toaster isn’t necessarily better than a $25 dvd that she’s been wanting. Unless it’s like a BSG Toaster b/c that thing is awesome.


The corollary to this is, girls, don’t ask a guy to guess what you want. Guys, especially nerd guys don’t always get the subtle hints and at best, no one is a mind reader. I am a firm believer in communication and if that communication includes things like, “I really like this jacket, it’d make a nice gift” then that’s better than being all weird and evasive and then getting mad if they don’t guess right. It sounds mercenary but I just don’t think it’s fair especially b/c some guys are not great gift givers.

If you’re buying a gift for a girl, you have to be careful what you’re buying b/c you don’t want to give her something too personal unless you really really really know the person. Girls can buy other girls things like lotions and bath stuff and that’s pretty generic gift giving. But if a guy gives a girl lotions and bath stuff it starts crossing into the creepy too personal zone. Stay away from that stuff unless you’re in a relationship with them, and not just a friendship relationship. Also, clothes is pretty personal too, especially any type of underwear and most pajamas. If it looks sexy you might be crossing some lines so unless you’ve seen her underwear, stay away from gifting it. If you’re dating a nerd girl though, I think we’d appreciate gadgets and toys and books and dvds a lot. I know I’d rather get books than chocolates anyday.

I think it’s important to think about what you’re giving. To me gift cards are great things when you’re buying for people you don’t know that well. For friends you don’t see often and you don’t know what they have, they are great. Coworkers, same thing. But if you’re dating someone and you’ve seen their house you should have an idea of what they like and don’t like, and what they own and what they might want to own. And I think it’s ok to ask their friends and family and check out wishlists and if you’re very desperate, ask them for a hint.

Anyhow, that’s my spiel on gifts…basically, yes, I want gifts.

Don’t Worry Geek Girls…

I don’t have a lot of female friends but the ones I do have tend to be geeks…basically b/c I have a hard time socializing with “normal” women. Anyhow, I think that we geek girls can occasionally be stuck by irrational fears that we’ll die alone surrounded by cats (or in my case dogs who will promptly gnaw all the flesh from my bones but I digress) b/c no men in their right minds will want us.

Well my response is, don’t worry b/c if you’re a geek girl, you have a whole subsect of society that would love to date you…and that is the geek guy. I explored in a previous article whether you should stick with geeks and I’m pretty firmly in the, ”yes, date other geeks” camp. I’ve had a lot of conversations with my geek guy friends and they seem to want to date other girls who understand what they mean when they talk about roleplaying and we don’t mean dressing up as French maids and schoolboys but hey if you do, whatever, I’m not judging.

If you think about it, there are a lot more guys into geek activities than girls, again I don’t know the percentages but think about it antidotally it will all make sense, so basically ladies, the odds are in your favor.

I think our challenge can be letting guys know that you want to date, since most geek guys don’t read social cues very well, they may think that you just want to be friends. If you like a guy and he’s single, why wait for him to ask you out, ask him out! It’s the 21st century!

Sometimes we think we’re too weird for guys…this is not true. Again, having talked to my guy friends, sometimes they think some of our weirdest habits are cute and quirky. So yeah, weird is not really a turn off for these men. However, I’ll add that crazy is probably not the same as weird. I think also being confident in who you are is important. I don’t think being a closet Star Trek fan is as good as being out and proud about it, at least to a nerd boy (although maybe for the rest of society it’s probably different). But confidence is a trait that I think many people can appreciate, b/c no one wants to hang out with someone all wracked with guilt and shame.

So in conclusion, there’s a market out for you geek girls so just be open to a geeky boy, embrace your nerd self, and I think you’ll definitely find someone special (and I don’t mean short bus special). :D