Effective Communication (aka, don't be a spaz)

Another trademark of geekism is the general lack of ability to interact with people and especially people you might be attracted to--unless they're online and then for some reason geeks can talk. Weird. Anyhow, so here's some tips on more effective male to female communication.

Treat women like people. Sometimes guy geeks have no problems talking to their buddies and then when a girl walks in the room, it's like silence...girls are people too. It's ok to talk around them, it's ok to talk to them.

Don't be a spaz when you talk to them. This is easier said that done, as spazziness has probably effected us all, especially if the other person is cute. Just try not to get to excited or jittery and that should help with the shakes. Probably some practice might be nice, so if see if you have any friends that know girls that you can practice with. Hopefully ones that you aren't interested in and are relatively normal.

To avoid the "Friend Zone" (see previous post regarding the dangers) don't treat them like one of the guys. Don't fart, burp, scratch your ass, or say really crude and sexist things around them. I'm not saying that girls are made of glass and need to be protected, I'm just saying that if you treat them like one of the guys, they aren't going to necessarily see you as future dating material.

Expanding on the friend zone idea, also don't be a jerk in general.


Don't be sleazy when you talking to women. Think of Howard from Big Bang Theory, normal women don't like him b/c he's slimey. We don't want slimey men. I

When you're talking to women, it's not dumbing it down, it's that you should talk about things they know. So if they know video games talk video games, if they're a Star Wars fan talk Boba Fett but if they start getting a glazed look in the eye from your treatise on how the replicants are a huge analogy for slavery (DUH!) then move on! But if she don't know about the topic but seems genuinely interested then go ahead and tell her about it, b/c maybe you'll convert her! :)

Here's an important point, just b/c you talk to a girl semi-regularly, or even regularly does not mean you are dating. It does not mean that she likes you in a potential boyfriend way. She might like you, but talking does not equal liking.

So here's to using more effective communication techniques in the future! Huzzah!

The Friend Zone

Related to the "I'm going to pretend to be your friend but I really want to date you thing" is the Friend Zone. A lot of geek guys get shut out b/c they are automatically placed into the friend zone, which is the piece of the brain where the girl can only ever think of you as a friend or worse, as family.

So while it's bad for guys to pretend to be friends b/c it's deceitful, it's bad for guys to do it b/c that girl has probably already decided that she doesn't think of you in that way and to date you would just be "wrong".

How do you know you're in the friend zone?
*She tells you about the other guys she's interested in and/or dating.
*She says she loves you or cares about you like a brother.
*She tries to set you up with other girls she knows.
*She invites you to hang out with all of her other girlfriends.
Is this you? Then you're stuck in the friend zone.

There isn't a great way to escape from it. Jumping from friend zone to boyfriend territory is a dangerous proposition b/c oftentimes the girl will get freaked out and will just start avoiding you in general. It's just really awkward.

I think the best technique is to just not get boxed in as a friend. I mean be friendly but don't become "one of the girls" b/c that's probably not going to lead to dating.

If you're in the friend zone and want to escape without falling into the pit of doom...huh, I don't have good advice for this. I think date other people if you can, don't wait around for them to fall in love with you b/c they might realise that you're awesome but they also might never realise it. And you don't want to waste your time for something that might never happen. Be the supportive, cool friend you are, but don't do girly things with them like make up shopping b/c that reaffirms the friend zone, non-sexual thing. But maybe make the best of it and just have an awesome friendship. The super authoritative wikipedia cites a statistic from Cosmo that says 71% of women want to fall in love with a friend... but you know, I think they're thinking of an idealized friend like in My Best Friends Wedding or like a Ross/Rachel situation. I wouldn't count on it.

For more information, look up ladder theory.

Let's Be Friends, But Really I Want to Get In Your Pants

Geek guys don't meet girls the same way most guys meet girls... we don't have the ability to be suave and just walk up to girls and ask them out. We tend to be too shy, too socially awkward to do that. But we are good at being friends. Or at least pretending to be friends b/c you really want to date them.

We've all seen it before, there's a new person at work/school/in your club and she's single, nice, and breathing, therefore you're interested in her. You send her some I Can Has Cheezeburger pictures, and go to lunch a couple of times. You hang out occasionally, perhaps in a group or just alone, but only as buddies. But you're lying to her, b/c you don't want to be buddies, you want to date her. What then happens is the worst thing ever b/c for whatever reason, she can't/won't date you. And then you drop her like someone just put a big piece of poop in your hands. Obviously, she's probably going to be pretty upset b/c she realises that you never wanted to be her friend, just trying to pull a fast one on her.

Now if she hasn't been pulling a "fake boyfriend" on you, what you've done just now, is you done her wrong. You acted like her friend, and b/c she's not sexually interested in you, you move onto the next target. She thought you guys were friends, she treated you like a real friend. Friends don't do that to each other. It's dishonest and douchey. She likes you as a person and by now ignoring her, you make it clear that you weren't interested in her as a person or a friend, only as a goal.

Now before a bunch of guys start rioting and saying I'm not being fair, let's take dating out of the equation and use another version of this story.
There's a new guy at work, he's cool, funny guy and he's got a really cool car. You make friends with him b/c you want to borrow his car later. You guys hang out, watch movies together, have some beers together but only b/c you want him to think you're cool so you can borrow his car. Later you ask him if he can borrow you car, he says no. You stop hanging out with him. In what ways have you not been douchetastic? What you're doing here is being nice to someone under false pretenses. You have no intention of being their friend. You want something from them. This is wrong. We've all learning in kindergarten that lying is bad, and straight up, this is lying.

If you want to get to know someone better, that's cool, do that. Hang out with them. And if you ask them out and they say no, you don't have to be their best friend, but don't ignore them, don't act like you don't know that person. B/c your goal should be to get to know people, and if they get to know you and like you back in a bf/gf kind of way, awesome. But sometimes they'll just like you as a friend and that should be ok too. Be their friend, don't be the douche.

And not like the guy I'm writing this response to will ever read this but dude, doing this (what I've been writing about) and then immediately moving onto the next single girl at work is really in poor form. Plus they're going to talk to each other and you're going to totally build a reputation for being a jerk.

Wow, I'm like super mad about this topic...I guess b/c I have a ton of guy friends and if this happened to me I'd be soooo hurt. Ok, I just talked to some friends about this situation and they said it's pretty ass behavior. My friend added that guys who do stuff like this tend to say, "What have I been doing wrong? I'm always so nice to these girls and they don't like me." Well technically you're not being nice, you're only pretending to be nice and there's a big difference between being nice and pretending.

Time Management

When you're just starting a relationship, you're all excited, and you generally want to spend every waking moment with that person. Your friends hate how cute and clingy you are. This is normal. It's a typical honeymoon phase but eventually reality sets in and you start wondering if all that clinginess is normal.

Well it depends on the couple. Some couples just do everything together, they go grocery shopping together, they visit friends as a couple, they give each other welcome back hugs when they come back from the restroom. These are cute annoying people and as long as both of them are fine with this, then there is nothing wrong as long as you don't drive your friends nuts. A classic tv example of this type of couple is Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. They want to know everything that the other person did, and they want to do everything together. This arrangement works for them. It would not work for me...I dunno if I'd want to spend24/7 with anybody, except maybe for my dog. :P

But problems can occur when one person wants to cling and the other wants alone time or like a "boy's/girl's night out". At no time is this more annoying when you're playing D&D and the other person keeps calling during the game. They know where you are and what you're doing, but they didn't want to come to the game, but instead want to call every hour or so. I think this is an excellent example of why boundaries need to be established in a relationship. Boundaries are important. (My one boundary with my parents, don't bother me in the bathroom. See, important!) If it is known that a set amount of time is going to be dedicated to an event, I think it's fair to not have to check in constantly during that time. If time runs over and you're massively late, then definitely call and let the other person know but this should be a time for both of you to enjoy your away time. Also having to check in constantly (esp if the other person isn't like home sick or anything) will just result in your friends making a lot whip cracking noises...b/c yeah, why are they calling so much? If they really want to check up on you, they should just go with you to the game and like read a book.

So what to do about this? Make sure that you don't do everything together. As much as you guys like each other, you're also two individuals. Especially if you work and live together, make sure that you still find time apart just so you remember what it's like to be on your own. Establish some things that you can do apart and both have fun. Say if one of you watched football, then the other person can establish a video game day on Sundays. Don't necessarily do chores b/c if one of you is having fun and other is working, I think that can lead to a lot of resentment. And resentment leads to arguing and arguing leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. (Yoda is so wise his sayings have a much broader application than just jedis!)

Note: scheduled time apart is not the same as like breaking up each weekend so you're free to play the field...and second of all if you had that much game as a geek, you're not really a geek, plus you're a pretty giant douche.

The key to harmoniously being together or not being together is to understand what the other person's needs are and work out a plan that is far to everyone. So what's the word again?? Communication. :)