Friendship after dating

I've been watching Big Bang Theory on DVD and just like real people, Penny and Leonard have to deal with life after dating.

Breaking up as was discussed in an early post sucks. Breaking up and having to see each other still can suck even more, but here's some tips to hopefully make that situation a little less awkward.

First thing is to give each other space. If you have invested a lot of emotion into this relationship, you need time to process the breakup. For friend groups, just hang out with other friends for a while. Don't push hanging out again too soon, it's just not going to help your roiling emotions. If your friends want you both to hang out with them and you're not ready for it, tell your friend they need to give you time and if they can't, your friend is a douche b/c they're not doing anybody a favor.

When you do meet up again, don't make it like dates. Don't go hiking together alone. Why would you do that?! Go in a group so you have other people to talk to. And you don't have to chatty buddies with your ex, but if you're ready, you can talk to them, just avoid conversation topics that are too personal or too emotional. It's really not the time to discuss why your ex is a bastard.

Don't smear your ex's name to all of your mutual friends. Maybe non-mutual friends is ok. But bashing your ex to your mutual friends puts them in a awkward position where they feel they will have to pick sides and if they remain neutral, you're going to think they're being unsympathetic. I'm sure they feel bad for you both, so don't make them pick sides b/c honestly, they might not pick you.

If you work together, keep it professional. You don't have to be best work friends or anything but unless one of you is planning on changing jobs or departments, you will need to learn to work together. Don't avoid needed communication, if you're adult enough to be in a relationship you should be adult enough to handle talking to your ex about something job related.

If you're in a gaming group with your ex, don't flirting with your other gamer friends. It's just not cool, and again, increases weirdness. I think treat your gaming group like if you working with the person, do what you have to get the mission completed. If one of you is a GM though, be careful that there isn't any unfairness created. Just like they shouldn't play favorites when you were dating, they shouldn't be dumping on your character b/c you've broken up.

All of these things might take time and if your ex isn't cooperating that won't help but if both of you are committed to being friends after, it is possible. Except it hasn't worked for me. :P

A list of other things that won't help:
Sending nasty emails.
Angry post break up sex.
Bringing up old arguments.
Dragging along brand new dates to meet ups.

So let me know how it goes and see if it works better than it has for me! :P Of course I'm of the mind that you really don't have to be friends with your exes either.

How NOT to Impress the Ladies

This is going to be a list of things that have either been said to me or to friends of mine. They aren't good conversation starters...but are a great way to kill one.

Seriously, I'm not making this crap up. So yeah I know this puts a lot of pressure on you guys to come up with something clever, but offensive is not the same thing as clever.

These are from actual situations:

• I don't want you to think I'm being a dirty old man but do you want to want to get coffee and talk? (He was easily 25-30 years older than me.)
  
  
• Are you married/Do you have a boyfriend? (as a conversation starter.)
  
  
• What are you? (when they mean, what's your ethnicity?)
  
  
• What's wrong with ___ (fill in with body part)?
  
  
• Mention masturbating special ed kids.
  
  
• *stares awkwardly* Do you really play D&D? Noo...nooooo, no way!
  
  
• Hey, you have boobs!
  
  
• Your butt looks hawt in those pants.
  
  
• Can I see your underwear? (While dressed I was a teenaged anime character.)
  
  
• And the even more offensive than the previous ones, "I want to violate you," which was said to another librarian, not someone I know personally, but horrible anyhow.
  

What do most of these have in common? They tend to point out body parts and talk about sex. Also if you have to start a conversation with a caveat, that's bad, "Like, I look like a serial killer but I'm really a nice guy." These things are not going to win you any brownie points.

Here's the deal, if you don't look like Chase from the tv show House, you are going to have to be more respectful and tactful in order to get women to respond to you in a positive way.

I think it's important for guys to remember that getting hit on is often not fun for women. I think guys think that it'd be great if women hit on you...that's it's flattering, but it's not, especially if it's something disturbingly sexual like the ones I posted above. We generally don't want to be thought of as meat and especially if we're working, flirting is not really on our minds. Clubs might be a different thing, but when I'm at work, I'm here to do my job, not fend off weirdos.

Follow up to OkCupid's Lame-ness

Last week I posted about OkCupid and their new system of only matching you with people in your hotness zone, either you're hotter than average and will get matched with the same or you're below average etc. (What do average people do??)

I didn't have time to elaborate further so I'm using this week to talk about "attractiveness" and its ramifications in geek dating.

Nerds sometimes have interesting definitions of attractiveness. A lot of guys I know will like an actress more b/c she kicks a lot of butt on a tv show even though she might not be classically pretty (example Starbuck on BSG or Cameron on Sarah Conner Chronicles). I've also heard a lot of geeks who like "cute". Not to say geeks don't like normal "hot" celebrities like Megan Fox (ugh, bleh!) or anything but I'm just saying, people who aren't teenage boys can also find other qualities that make someone attractive. Those cannot be rated by a photo.

Ok, enough ranting about how geeks are weird. :) Ok, actual info that could be useful to someone out there somewhere.

Now we know that attractive is subjective and that people will find different things attractive. A person can be considered more attractive b/c of their awesome personality, style, confidence, or sense of humor. These other things attract their brain and not just organs down below.

Also, don't get too hung up on someone else's looks. You probably shouldn't be repulsed by someone you're trying to date but being all weirded out b/c they've got crooked teeth or kinda bad skin is pretty shallow and honestly, no one is perfect, all have flaws, either internal, external, or mental. And remember, beauty fades but bitchiness lasts forever.

Here's a couple of ideas on how to improve your "attractiveness":

• Improved grooming - yes this is a physical thing but really no one likes stinky.
  
• Find a style that works for you - you don't have to look like an abercrombie and finch model or anything but find a style that suits your personality and bodyshape and rock it. If you have no idea how to dress, find a friend who dresses like how you'd like to look and have them help you shop.
  
• Confidence - confidence goes a long way in making someone attractive. This is a hard one for us geeks but it's important to remember that you're a cool person too and they should appreciate you. Do some daily affirmations or something if you need it. :)
  
• Work on social skills - a geek with social skills is a find indeed. Be one of those finds--practice your social skills!
  

And then f*ck OkCupid and their click based attractiveness rating. If we wanted to be judged, we'd be trying to join the elitist Beautiful People dating website. Be yourself, be confident, and be happy b/c that's real attractiveness.

hotties only date hotties?

Well this means doom for us nerds then. :P
But this post is regarding a new development on OkCupid, a free online dating website. Apparently as of this summer some people were lucky enough to receive an email telling you that according to the number of click throughs that you were in the top 50% of attractive people on OkCupid. As part of this elite group you were going to get matched with only other people in the top 50% of people.
Frankly, I'm rather insulted by this.
First I didn't get that email(!) and second b/c I think it's shallow to get matched by attractiveness. Yeah, we know that anecdotally usually people date within their own attractiveness levels but what about all those rich tech nerds who end up with model trophy wives? How will they meet now?
Article here at the Huffington Post.
I guess they'll have to contact the Millionaire Matchmaker...although she doesn't seem to be able to follow her own rules...
Anyhow, I'll try to do a follow up post on this topic at some point in the future.

Welcome to Dumpsville--population, you (part 2)

Ok, here's the second part regarding the act of dumpage. Last week's post described being on the receving end, this week's will about being the dumper and how to do in the least douchey way possible...or you can totally do the opposite and go balls out douchetastic!

First and foremost, breaking up with someone should never be done on a whim. As I've said in earlier posts, it's hard to find good partners, and of course no one is perfect, so don't start thinking of breaking up b/c he leaves his socks on the floor, but do for serious infractions like they're abusive in anyway, long time goals don't align with yours (example, he wants kids and you don't), or serious things like they cheated on you. Some things are important, some things are less important and they'll be slightly different for each person but breaking up should never be taken lightly. Think about it a lot.

Now what if they're only mostly crappy but not downright awful? Well that's when the decision-making becomes more tricky. You have to weigh the good and the bad of the relationship. If everytime you see each other you have the world's worst arguments...then maybe that's a lot of bad. If you only fight sometimes and you know what triggers it, maybe that's something that can be worked out. But a caveat here, don't stay for the sex or b/c you're lonely or b/c you need someone to take to the wedding next month. You stay in a relationship b/c it makes you happy and it's healthy, not to keep up appearances for your friends or for your libido.

I am mixed about asking your friends if you should break up with the person or not. Friends can be really weird about stuff like this. If you have a friend who is known for being very truthful you could ask them but don't ask a friend who always just tells you want you want to hear, b/c that isn't helping anybody. But if you do talk about it and 20 of your friends say nay and one says yay, you gotta wonder about the one outlier.

So by now you've totally thought about the entire process. You've used your giant nerd analysation powers and make lists and charts and graphs and you're going to do it. Now how do you do it gracefully?

Avoid the temptation to do it electronically. I know we love our tech but texting someone or changing your facebook status is a lame way to tell someone you're breaking up. If you were in any way serious, you need to do it in person. And maybe if you're super chicken you can do it over the phone but text is just really cowardly.

Make a list of reasons why you're doing it. Maybe they'll want justification (although you don't necessarily need to tell them why) or maybe you'll need strength in reminding yourself why it needs to be done, but a list is a good way of making helping you make decisions. Do a pro/con list.

Try not to get in a fight over a breakup. In the first episode of the British TV show Coupling, the main guy Steve tries to break up with his girlfriend Jane, b/c frankly, she's nuts.

Just b/c I love the show, here's the scene:

"Steve: ... But this time, Jane, I'm gonna put it very, very simply: It's over between us.
Jane: You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do.
Jane: I don't accept.
Steve: What?
Jane: I don't accept it.
Steve: No no, you can't not accept it! I'm breaking up with you."

The moral of that scene is, really they can't take no for an answer. Dating is a mutually decided upon act, if one doesn't agree, it's not dating--that's why internet stalking is not considered dating. Also keep it civil, no name calling even if they totally sucked b/c you know why, we're keeping it classy San Diego.

No break up sex. B/c that's just messy for everyone involved and I just don't want those kind of mental images.

Choose your time and location wisely. So don't break up with them in their favorite restaurant or on their birthday or if they're mom just died. B/c especially if they don't know it's coming, they're going to have a lot of extra bad connotations associated with you and the breakup and that memory. Give them a couple of days if it's a bad time but if you keep putting it off b/c it's always a bad time, you're going to have to bite the bullet and do it regardless of timing. B/c you can't stay with someone b/c they're constantly having a disaster.

Don't be a jerk to force them to break up with you. I think I talked about that earlier--b/c that's a really shitty thing to do (you hear me second ex-bf?) Be a man, even if you're not a man, be a man and own up to it. If you're unhappy, don't ignore them or start treating them badly b/c you don't have the balls to do the breaking up yourself, b/c yeah, you're not sparing anyone's feelings.

I dunno if I like the whole, "it's not you it's me speech." B/c honestly, sometimes it really is just them. And since I'm a fan of honesty, maybe they should know why they suck, but that could be construed as petty. I put this as up to you, b/c it depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you had and if you can tell someone they were soooo smelly but like in a nice way.

Don't try to be friends afterwards. Certainly not right away. B/c you're going to end up all confused again and try to get back together and that's just bad. You need time apart. If you had mutual friends you can keep them as long as you both respect boundaries and don't bombard them with rants or depressed stories about your ex. It's not cool. Find other friends for that purpose but don't put them in the middle and force them to choose.

So to recap if you want to be a jerk:
1) break up with on a whim
2) stay with someone for the wrong reasons
3) let me know they've been dumped via facebook or text message.
4) tell them on their birthday
5) read them a list of all the transgressions they've done.
6) have some angry break up sex.
7) call them the next day to hang out.
8) bitch to all your joint friends about how crappy they were.
9) or just ignore them.