First and foremost, breaking up with someone should never be done on a whim. As I've said in earlier posts, it's hard to find good partners, and of course no one is perfect, so don't start thinking of breaking up b/c he leaves his socks on the floor, but do for serious infractions like they're abusive in anyway, long time goals don't align with yours (example, he wants kids and you don't), or serious things like they cheated on you. Some things are important, some things are less important and they'll be slightly different for each person but breaking up should never be taken lightly. Think about it a lot.
Now what if they're only mostly crappy but not downright awful? Well that's when the decision-making becomes more tricky. You have to weigh the good and the bad of the relationship. If everytime you see each other you have the world's worst arguments...then maybe that's a lot of bad. If you only fight sometimes and you know what triggers it, maybe that's something that can be worked out. But a caveat here, don't stay for the sex or b/c you're lonely or b/c you need someone to take to the wedding next month. You stay in a relationship b/c it makes you happy and it's healthy, not to keep up appearances for your friends or for your libido. I am mixed about asking your friends if you should break up with the person or not. Friends can be really weird about stuff like this. If you have a friend who is known for being very truthful you could ask them but don't ask a friend who always just tells you want you want to hear, b/c that isn't helping anybody. But if you do talk about it and 20 of your friends say nay and one says yay, you gotta wonder about the one outlier.
So by now you've totally thought about the entire process. You've used your giant nerd analysation powers and make lists and charts and graphs and you're going to do it. Now how do you do it gracefully?
Avoid the temptation to do it electronically. I know we love our tech but texting someone or changing your facebook status is a lame way to tell someone you're breaking up. If you were in any way serious, you need to do it in person. And maybe if you're super chicken you can do it over the phone but text is just really cowardly.
Make a list of reasons why you're doing it. Maybe they'll want justification (although you don't necessarily need to tell them why) or maybe you'll need strength in reminding yourself why it needs to be done, but a list is a good way of making helping you make decisions. Do a pro/con list.
Try not to get in a fight over a breakup. In the first episode of the British TV show Coupling, the main guy Steve tries to break up with his girlfriend Jane, b/c frankly, she's nuts.
Just b/c I love the show, here's the scene:
"Steve: ... But this time, Jane, I'm gonna put it very, very simply: It's over between us.
Jane: You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do.
Jane: I don't accept.
Steve: What?
Jane: I don't accept it.
Steve: No no, you can't not accept it! I'm breaking up with you."
The moral of that scene is, really they can't take no for an answer. Dating is a mutually decided upon act, if one doesn't agree, it's not dating--that's why internet stalking is not considered dating. Also keep it civil, no name calling even if they totally sucked b/c you know why, we're keeping it classy San Diego.
No break up sex. B/c that's just messy for everyone involved and I just don't want those kind of mental images.
Choose your time and location wisely. So don't break up with them in their favorite restaurant or on their birthday or if they're mom just died. B/c especially if they don't know it's coming, they're going to have a lot of extra bad connotations associated with you and the breakup and that memory. Give them a couple of days if it's a bad time but if you keep putting it off b/c it's always a bad time, you're going to have to bite the bullet and do it regardless of timing. B/c you can't stay with someone b/c they're constantly having a disaster.
Don't be a jerk to force them to break up with you. I think I talked about that earlier--b/c that's a really shitty thing to do (you hear me second ex-bf?) Be a man, even if you're not a man, be a man and own up to it. If you're unhappy, don't ignore them or start treating them badly b/c you don't have the balls to do the breaking up yourself, b/c yeah, you're not sparing anyone's feelings.
I dunno if I like the whole, "it's not you it's me speech." B/c honestly, sometimes it really is just them. And since I'm a fan of honesty, maybe they should know why they suck, but that could be construed as petty. I put this as up to you, b/c it depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you had and if you can tell someone they were soooo smelly but like in a nice way.
Don't try to be friends afterwards. Certainly not right away. B/c you're going to end up all confused again and try to get back together and that's just bad. You need time apart. If you had mutual friends you can keep them as long as you both respect boundaries and don't bombard them with rants or depressed stories about your ex. It's not cool. Find other friends for that purpose but don't put them in the middle and force them to choose.
So to recap if you want to be a jerk:
1) break up with on a whim
2) stay with someone for the wrong reasons
3) let me know they've been dumped via facebook or text message.
4) tell them on their birthday
5) read them a list of all the transgressions they've done.
6) have some angry break up sex.
7) call them the next day to hang out.
8) bitch to all your joint friends about how crappy they were.
9) or just ignore them.
No comments:
Post a Comment