First
a few clarifying statements. I know I’m married. I was not trolling
for guys. I was doing anthropological research only. I did not get any
contact information for any of the guys. I do not want to contact any of those guys. And my husband is better than
all the guys that were at the event.
Now I can move onto what I learned from my adventures in speed dating!
On
Friday I visited a speed dating event in Hollywood for Asians
(Click2Asia) with my brother and a friend. You did not need to be Asian
but most of the attendees were. The event was scheduled to begin at
7:30 but didn’t actually start until 8:10 since they must be running on
Asian Standard time. We signed in and received our numbers which would
determine where you would sit during the event (for women) or start (for
men).
While
we got our drinks and waited for the event to start, some of the guys
started schmoozing early. The event itself is very simple, every five
minutes a guy rotates to the next numbered seat. So you have five
minutes to talk to that person and decide if you would want to meet them
again. They give you a paper and you can take notes and mark yes or no
accordingly. At the end you turn in your paperwork and they’ll email
you the contact info for people you said yes to and who also said yes
back to you.
Tips:
1.
Take notes on your dates. You’re going to be meeting a lot of people
very quickly and don’t count on your amazing memory to pull you through.
They give you paper and pencil, use them. Write their names down and
something that will help you jog your memory of them. Write legibly. If
you only circle yes or no, and you end up contacting each other, you
don’t necessarily want to be reasking them the same questions b/c then
you’ll look like a douchebag who didn’t take notes.
2.
Make eye contact and smile at people. Ok, so you’re sitting next to
someone you find deeply unattractive. You don’t have to marry them. You
don’t even have to see them again after, but for goodness sake, be nice
for five minutes and make some meaningless small talk. Certainly don’t
read the paper in front of you when they’re asking questions. Don’t let
your eyes wander all over the room b/c it looks like you’re tracking a
fly around the room.
3.
Don’t just pick the good looking people. Good looking people are
probably going to have the most people picking them and some can be
kinda DB-ish, so don’t just picked based on looks but how well you
connected with them. I think you can find out if you have a basic
chemistry with someone in a few minutes so if the conversation sucked,
skip them, if you’re bored after five minutes, how are you going to
sustain a relationship? But if when the bell rang you were trying to
squeeze in a few more sentences, that’s probably a good sign and pick
them, even if they aren’t the best looking guy or girl in the bunch,
because I’ve said this before a lot, a good personality lasts a lot
longer than good looks.
4.
Dress nice but comfortably. If you don’t normally wear sexy clothes,
don’t wear sexy clothes b/c you’ll spend the whole number making sure
your dress isn’t riding up your ass. If you’re not sure what to wear,
do get a more stylish friend to help you out. And no, matching is fine,
you do not need to wear contrasting colors!
5. Don’t be a creeper. Staring at a girl’s boobs does not make you
endearing to her. Telling her she’s amazingly beautiful is weird. (Uh,
yeah this totally did not happen to me. Not even kidding.)
Complimenting someone is really different from scaring the crap out of
them. If you’re not sure what the line is between the two, maybe avoid
the whole topic.
6.
They will give you a list of “starter” questions to ask your date. If
you have to resort to these, that’s already a bad sign. A good speed
date conversation just flows naturally. If you’re struggling, maybe you
just don’t have good chemistry.
7.
Don’t drink too much. I believe these events often take places at
restaurants or bars and alcohol is a social lubricant so if you’re a
little nervous maybe have a little of something is ok. If you don’t
usually drink or are a bad drinker, avoid avoid. If you turn Asian red,
avoid. If you’re a lightweight, avoid. And lastly avoid smelling like
alcohol, b/c it’s nasty as all hell. Do have some water with you b/c
you are going to be talking for about an hour, so you don’t want to end
up with dry spit mouth. Also it gives you something to do while you’re
thinking of answers to questions.
Concluding
thoughts, I think that if you have decent social skills, and aren’t bad
looking you can meet people at speed dating. It’s basically an
exercise to see if you have chemistry with someone and I think you can
find out if you’d at least want to talk to someone again in five
minutes. Save the ultimate compatibility questions for the actual date,
this is just to see if there might be something. It turns out the
three guys I had the most fun talking to would have wanted to meet up
again, so it can work. But sometimes you will get a no for no fault of
your own (they only want to date girls in their early 20s or they’re
already married and are writing a blog about speed dating). I don’t
think that if you don’t get a match you should give it up. If you had
fun, try it again. If you think about it, it’s actually more efficient
to do speed dating and cancel out a bunch of schmucks in five minute
increments instead of wasting an entire dinner or coffee with them!
The bad news:
For
some nerds (especially girls b/c most guys are shallow bastards) if you
aren’t quite average looking, speed dating will be very difficult.
This is an entire process built on first impressions. So unless you
have the BEST personality in the world, you have a big uphill battle.
If you are shy or have social skills that need work it will also be
challenging. People who are shy may have a hard time making
conversation. Geeks who lack social skills may not read cues to how the
date is going and say really awkward things like, “They don’t have
Latinas in Korea,” while staring at your boobs.
So
I think ultimately while it can be a good way to meet potential dates,
it is something where you need to evaluate yourself and see if it’s a
good fit for you.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Crippling Shyness
This
is a problem that I think affects a lot of us geeks. Some of us are
born shy and some have it thrust upon us through years of awkward social
interactions and rejection.
Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”. You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.
So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.
1. Practice, practice, practice. You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date. You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends. Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though). It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public. This is a good time to try “small talk”.
2. Remember geeks are cool now. If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed. And this may have traumatized you. But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills. When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is. That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.
3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.
4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now. PERIOD.
5. Not everyone is looking at you. I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too. Goodbye tap-dancing career! It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what? You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there. If they’re haters, they can go to hell.
6. Make eye contact and smile at people. This is good if you work with people. It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”. People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence. Is it lame to need validation from other human beings? Yes, but it’s important anyhow.
7. You have to want to change. If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool. But you need to be super honest with yourself too. If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy. That’s just chicken.
So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee. You can do it!!
Generally this shyness is only noticeable when you venture from your geek brethren and into groups of “normal people”. You know, the kind of people who don’t understand why you bring five large boxes of books with you to college and can’t quote the Simpsons and think that playing D&D means you actually hit each other with swords.
So unless you want to date and social with only other geeks (which I generally advise but isn’t always possible) here’s some tips for improving your social skills and getting over the shyness barrier.
1. Practice, practice, practice. You don’t even have to practice on people you want to date. You can practice on people in grocery stores, at work, on your friend’s friends. Try to initiate a conversation (not with stressed hurried people though). It doesn’t have to be long, just a few sentences. Even if they don’t say much back, it’s not failure, b/c the point is for YOU to start interacting when you are out in the public. This is a good time to try “small talk”.
2. Remember geeks are cool now. If you’re my age, you remember when being smart and geeky meant your social life was doomed. And this may have traumatized you. But times are a changin’ and it’s ok to be geeky as long as you can fake some basic social skills. When talking to “normals” do not go on and use too much geek verbage, it’ll scare them off and don’t tell them about how awesome your level 20 half orc/half demon bard is. That’s just weird (really a bard?!), at first stick to more accessible topics like superhero movies or tv shows like the Walking Dead which are geeky but are still semi mainstream.
3. If you’re talking to strangers, remember it doesn’t matter what you say, they’re strangers. You probably won’t see them again so if something accidental goes bad, it’s ok, you won’t have to see them again.
4. Remember that if you were going to meet someone sitting alone in your room, it would have happened by now. PERIOD.
5. Not everyone is looking at you. I quit a lot of activities as a kid b/c I thought people were watching me and judging me and thinking, “dude, she sucks.” And I missed out on a lot of cool chance to learn things too. Goodbye tap-dancing career! It wasn’t until after college when I took karate I realised that everyone is pretty busy trying to figure their own shit out, and they’re probably not judging you...and if they are, so what? You’re doing your best, and putting yourself out there. If they’re haters, they can go to hell.
6. Make eye contact and smile at people. This is good if you work with people. It’s a small step towards “passing as a normal”. People like other people who smile and acknowledge their existence. Is it lame to need validation from other human beings? Yes, but it’s important anyhow.
7. You have to want to change. If you’re ok hibernating in your room alone in the dark that’s cool. But you need to be super honest with yourself too. If you’re just telling yourself that you’re happy playing the latest MMORPG b/c you’re too scared of rejection that isn’t actually happy. That’s just chicken.
So hopefully this is some advice for getting out there and talking to people and maybe you’ll move up to talking to people you find cute without turning into Spazzy McGee. You can do it!!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Respect
Respect is something very vital in relationships. And something you should look for in a partner. I think this is something that is missing in a lot of modern people who are too busy thinking about themselves and not enough about how their actions will effect other people.
In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy. If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future. I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging. And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings. Remember, emotionally stunted is bad. So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely!
And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute. Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful. This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person. So unless your grandmother died, you suck. Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag.
In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs. Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door?? Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit. Are they working crazy long overtime this week? Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time. Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you. Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!).
Really respect should be about the golden rule. Do you want someone to treat you like that? Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap? Hopefully not! So why would you do that to other people? Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect.
Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping. If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library). Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up. If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again. Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go. The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.
In pre-dating this manifests itself in respecting someone else's time and energy. If you're messaging someone online and you just don't think it's going anywhere, instead of hitting the block button or awkward ignoring them forever and at best they think you've died, send them a little note saying that you don't think it's going to work out and that you wish them the best in the future. I think it's more polite to let someone down gently than leave them hanging. And if you're chicken and don't like confrontation then too effing bad b/c seriously, how can you have a serious stable relationship if you can't be honest about not liking someone and being able to express those feelings. Remember, emotionally stunted is bad. So instead of letting them dangle and wonder if you're ever going to text back, be a man (or woman) and let them know you're not interested but nicely!
And if you're going to cancel, don't flake out at the last minute. Flakiness is a huge pet peeve of mine frankly b/c I think it's hugely disrespectful. This person made plans, may have canceled on other things they could have been doing, may have driven really far to meet you, and to cancel at the last minute for a lame reason or to just not show up just makes you a bad person. You hear me, a really awful bad person. So unless your grandmother died, you suck. Having something more fun to do is not really a legit excuse, it just makes you a douchebag.
In dating, respect is things like thinking about their needs. Are their arms full of stuff and they're trying to open the door?? Dude, be polite and help them carry some shit. Are they working crazy long overtime this week? Maybe you can drive out to meet them closer to their house this time. Basically, in a relationship, it is no longer all about you. Only dogs and toddlers think the world revolve around them (don't get me started about puppies!).
Really respect should be about the golden rule. Do you want someone to treat you like that? Do you want to be ignored, belittled, disrespected, and just generally treated like crap? Hopefully not! So why would you do that to other people? Own up to your behavior and treat people with respect.
Addendum: This also leads to when you're shopping. If you're shopping don't mess up the freaking store (or library). Every shirt you unfold and dump in another department is a mess someone else will have to clean up. If you barf in the elevator, maybe you can help clean it up or go home instead of just roaming the library more in case you barf again. Having been there, it sucks, be nice to the people who work at the places you go. The world will be a much nicer place if we all do.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Vicky Mendoza diagonal
I may have written this before but it's been a while so tough noogies. :D
This is a very stolen yet super relavent idea from HIMYM, the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. All apologies to people actually named Vicky Mendoza.
First let me give you the gist of the vicky mendoza diagonal. Essentially it means that the crazier you are, the more hot you have to be to be worth dating. Therefore hot girls can get away with a lot of craziness and not so hot girls will have to have good personalities. Is this totally bitchy and unfair? Yes, but guys are visual (and oftentimes shallow) creatures and so it does have some truth to it.
How is this related to dating? Well the advice to the geek guy is this, yes, you want hot...oftentimes they come with crazy as well and you're probably willing to put up with it. But here's the kicker, if you stay together long term, she's going to become less hot over time and will probably stay the same amount of crazy if not become more crazy. So she would fall dramatic below the diagonal into the no fly zone. And no plastic surgery won't help, b/c then she'll end up looking like Heidi Montag and yeah that's not hot at all.
Long story short, don't date crazy, b/c looks fade, but crazy remains forever.
PS- This is goes for good looking yet bastardish guys, if they're a jerk, now, do you really think they're going to get better over time? You can't change them!! Your love will not cure them!
This is a very stolen yet super relavent idea from HIMYM, the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. All apologies to people actually named Vicky Mendoza.
First let me give you the gist of the vicky mendoza diagonal. Essentially it means that the crazier you are, the more hot you have to be to be worth dating. Therefore hot girls can get away with a lot of craziness and not so hot girls will have to have good personalities. Is this totally bitchy and unfair? Yes, but guys are visual (and oftentimes shallow) creatures and so it does have some truth to it. How is this related to dating? Well the advice to the geek guy is this, yes, you want hot...oftentimes they come with crazy as well and you're probably willing to put up with it. But here's the kicker, if you stay together long term, she's going to become less hot over time and will probably stay the same amount of crazy if not become more crazy. So she would fall dramatic below the diagonal into the no fly zone. And no plastic surgery won't help, b/c then she'll end up looking like Heidi Montag and yeah that's not hot at all.
Long story short, don't date crazy, b/c looks fade, but crazy remains forever.
PS- This is goes for good looking yet bastardish guys, if they're a jerk, now, do you really think they're going to get better over time? You can't change them!! Your love will not cure them!
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Blind Dates with Famous Dudes
I was going to write about some other crap that I can't remember right now but I wanted to comment on the Gizmodo writer who met a guy on OkCupid and then found out it was he was a famous Magic:TG player and then got super weirded out by the whole thing.
Here's her original article.
The beginning of the article is fair. There are a lot of sleezy ass dudes on OkCupid who either can't spell or are really drunk and can't spell. She meets a normalish seeming dude and they exchange real names and she tells him to google her. She forgets to google him.
They go on a date, from her retelling, it sounds ok, even though the took her to see a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. Serial killers aside, it sounded like they talked about normal stuff. She did not say she didn't like him, but he mentions that he was a world champion of Magic and she googles him and promptly flips out.
To be fair, if I found out the guy I went on a date with was like the guy who created Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would probably also flip out.....but just not in the way she did. She did not do a cute, fandom flip out. She pulls a "I can't deal with it, he's so nerdy" flip out. Which is really ironic since she works for a pretty nerdy website. Doesn't she have coworkers who are geeks?? Is it really that unusual? Isn't she basically saying that she hates nerds?? She liked him enough initially go on a second date with him. Or did she? There is some debate as to whether she actually liked him or wanted more material for her article.
She says the moral of her story is that people need to disclose when they're nerds. I think it was probably pretty clear that he's a nerd in his profile, and yeah, some things need to be disclosed but you don't need to mention every thing about your life. When I read a profile you can pick up signs if someone is a geek. Look at their hobbies, last book read, username. Hell, ASK THEM. But don't get all weirded out b/c someone didn't disclose that they play Magic, or are the world champion of Magic. Not everyone wants to tell people that stuff right out. I tell everyone I have to masters degrees b/c I'm an egomaniac, but not everyone is.
I say, stick with my original advice which is, if you're on a mainstream dating site and you don't mind finding someone who is more mainstream it's ok to not let your geek flag fly on your profile. Don't hide it, Magic guy didn't, but just like you shouldn't headline your profile with "I <3 boobs" (even though it's probably true) you should not announce right out that you are an 85th level warlock.
I think more importantly than her idea that people disclose that they are nerds, people should disclose if they are biased against certain groups of people. If you hate nerds, maybe YOU need to tell us that. If you can't stand fantasy football, that's something that YOU should disclose. Can't stand whistling, that's your issue, you tell us. And then you'll look like the crazy person. So indeed, why is the burden of disclosure on the geek? Ha, riddle me that!
So, gizmodo lady, you are nuts. If that date was bad, that's fair, but to judge so harshly for a man's hobbies is shallow. It obviously wasn't the only thing he was able to talk about but did become the only thing that you were able to once you found out. And I'm just going to be the bitch who says it, there's probably a good reason why you're still single...
Also, why do you get to write for a geeky website when you don't seem to like geeks very much? I'll take your job!
Here's her original article.
The beginning of the article is fair. There are a lot of sleezy ass dudes on OkCupid who either can't spell or are really drunk and can't spell. She meets a normalish seeming dude and they exchange real names and she tells him to google her. She forgets to google him.
They go on a date, from her retelling, it sounds ok, even though the took her to see a play about Jeffrey Dahmer. Serial killers aside, it sounded like they talked about normal stuff. She did not say she didn't like him, but he mentions that he was a world champion of Magic and she googles him and promptly flips out.
To be fair, if I found out the guy I went on a date with was like the guy who created Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I would probably also flip out.....but just not in the way she did. She did not do a cute, fandom flip out. She pulls a "I can't deal with it, he's so nerdy" flip out. Which is really ironic since she works for a pretty nerdy website. Doesn't she have coworkers who are geeks?? Is it really that unusual? Isn't she basically saying that she hates nerds?? She liked him enough initially go on a second date with him. Or did she? There is some debate as to whether she actually liked him or wanted more material for her article.
She says the moral of her story is that people need to disclose when they're nerds. I think it was probably pretty clear that he's a nerd in his profile, and yeah, some things need to be disclosed but you don't need to mention every thing about your life. When I read a profile you can pick up signs if someone is a geek. Look at their hobbies, last book read, username. Hell, ASK THEM. But don't get all weirded out b/c someone didn't disclose that they play Magic, or are the world champion of Magic. Not everyone wants to tell people that stuff right out. I tell everyone I have to masters degrees b/c I'm an egomaniac, but not everyone is.
I say, stick with my original advice which is, if you're on a mainstream dating site and you don't mind finding someone who is more mainstream it's ok to not let your geek flag fly on your profile. Don't hide it, Magic guy didn't, but just like you shouldn't headline your profile with "I <3 boobs" (even though it's probably true) you should not announce right out that you are an 85th level warlock.
I think more importantly than her idea that people disclose that they are nerds, people should disclose if they are biased against certain groups of people. If you hate nerds, maybe YOU need to tell us that. If you can't stand fantasy football, that's something that YOU should disclose. Can't stand whistling, that's your issue, you tell us. And then you'll look like the crazy person. So indeed, why is the burden of disclosure on the geek? Ha, riddle me that!
So, gizmodo lady, you are nuts. If that date was bad, that's fair, but to judge so harshly for a man's hobbies is shallow. It obviously wasn't the only thing he was able to talk about but did become the only thing that you were able to once you found out. And I'm just going to be the bitch who says it, there's probably a good reason why you're still single...
Also, why do you get to write for a geeky website when you don't seem to like geeks very much? I'll take your job!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Rushing the Process
If you're online dating, there's usually some hoops that need to be jumped through before you meet someone. It seems like a hassle but they are probably there for a reason.
In e-harmony there's an incredibly elaborate process before you actually get to freely message someone. If both parties check and progress one step everyday, it would still take over a week before you can message. It's a pain but if it's important to go through it, b/c if you're both honest when giving information and carefully reading posts, then you'll be able to weed out people who are not good matches.
Like in the previous post where I talk about the importance of reading, those steps are there to help you get to know each other beyond the typical, age, height, job, hobbies questions but discuss things that are also important like are you an introvert or extrovert, what are you life goals, do you like to travel, do you want kids? Yes, you could find out those questions the old fashioned way (talking, OMG!) but if you have a goal of meeting a long term partner, do you want to find out you have a lot of personality and physical chemistry only to find out that one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to stay in their hometown?? (Ala Ted and Robin from HIMYM) I know some people like the excitement and the whirlwind romance but I'm for finding out as much as possible in the beginning so I know what I'm getting into.
So if the dating site has a series of steps you need to take before sending you out into the meat market, take it seriously b/c some of us are, and if we wanted a free for all, we'd have joined match...or okcupid.
In e-harmony there's an incredibly elaborate process before you actually get to freely message someone. If both parties check and progress one step everyday, it would still take over a week before you can message. It's a pain but if it's important to go through it, b/c if you're both honest when giving information and carefully reading posts, then you'll be able to weed out people who are not good matches.
Like in the previous post where I talk about the importance of reading, those steps are there to help you get to know each other beyond the typical, age, height, job, hobbies questions but discuss things that are also important like are you an introvert or extrovert, what are you life goals, do you like to travel, do you want kids? Yes, you could find out those questions the old fashioned way (talking, OMG!) but if you have a goal of meeting a long term partner, do you want to find out you have a lot of personality and physical chemistry only to find out that one of you wants to travel the world and the other wants to stay in their hometown?? (Ala Ted and Robin from HIMYM) I know some people like the excitement and the whirlwind romance but I'm for finding out as much as possible in the beginning so I know what I'm getting into.
So if the dating site has a series of steps you need to take before sending you out into the meat market, take it seriously b/c some of us are, and if we wanted a free for all, we'd have joined match...or okcupid.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Guaranteed Failure
Dating can be very challenging and annoying and you meet a lot of weirdos out there. Sometimes you want to give up, but giving up is the worst thing you can do b/c giving up on dating is the only you're guaranteed to fail. Since no one wants to become the crazy cat lady or the dude who still lives in his mom's basement it's important to keep trying even thought dating is not easy.
If you're having a rough time finding dates, it's ok to take a break and spend time with friends, explore hobbies, take some cooking classes like you've always wanted to. Improve yourself and your mental well being. Work on eating better and showering regularly. But that does not mean give up, it means work on yourself and maybe in a bit when you're feeling recharged, you'll have more success at dating. B/c just like if you play too much WoW, you can get burned out, going on too many bad dates can also burn out you. Or being rejected a lot will really burn you out too.
But the only people who are guaranteed to fail in love are the ones that give up entirely. I know of a lot of people who never leave their rooms except when necessary and are sad b/c they're alone. Dude, you're alone b/c you're in your room the entire time. It is highly unlikely you'll ever meet someone in your room, b/c even if you meet someone online, you'll have to leave your room at some point to see them. But anyhow, giving up = hermit life. And as much as nerds love to be antisocial, you still need some real human interaction to keep from becoming the next unibomber.
If you're having a rough time finding dates, it's ok to take a break and spend time with friends, explore hobbies, take some cooking classes like you've always wanted to. Improve yourself and your mental well being. Work on eating better and showering regularly. But that does not mean give up, it means work on yourself and maybe in a bit when you're feeling recharged, you'll have more success at dating. B/c just like if you play too much WoW, you can get burned out, going on too many bad dates can also burn out you. Or being rejected a lot will really burn you out too.
But the only people who are guaranteed to fail in love are the ones that give up entirely. I know of a lot of people who never leave their rooms except when necessary and are sad b/c they're alone. Dude, you're alone b/c you're in your room the entire time. It is highly unlikely you'll ever meet someone in your room, b/c even if you meet someone online, you'll have to leave your room at some point to see them. But anyhow, giving up = hermit life. And as much as nerds love to be antisocial, you still need some real human interaction to keep from becoming the next unibomber.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
crap steaks
I've written about wallowing self pity before (I think) but let me elaborate on the topic...mostly b/c I'm running out of topics. :P
Life is often what you make of it. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives, but are you going to be ruled by the badness in your life or are you going to overcome it, learn from it, and get stronger? Or as I told a friend, "everyone has crap in their life, now are you going to let the crap rule you? or are you going to make steaks out of it?"
Wallowing gets you a couple of things, makes your friends and family want to smack you repeatedly, a reputation for being a downer, stagnates you in a a neverending mire of self pity and doesn't actually fix anything.
Now the making steaks method means that you'll be thinking critically about the situation, trying to resolve issues as much as possible, and trying to reduce the occurrence in the future. Even if you can't fix it, you have mentally prepared yourself for that situation so when it happens again, you won't be so jacked up about it.
In project management this is like the risk assessment section. There are four ways to deal with risk:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved)
Reduction (optimize - mitigate)
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure)
Retention (accept and budget)
You can use these in real life. You try to avoid problems, reduce their effect, get help when you need it, and lastly accept what's left. Whinging about your problems is certainly not part of risk assessment. I'm not opposed to a good gripe (and I've certainly participated in my fair share) but what happens after that is what is important. Are you going to continue griping or are you going to avoid, reduce, share, or accept the problem?
Here's a geekified example. You're in a gaming group with a troll. Not a literal goat-eating bridge-guarding troll but the kind of troll that likes to disrupt the group, make rude comments, argue with the gm etc. What do you do? Keep complaining about how sucky the guy is with the rest of your group when he's not around? (I'm saying he b/c I'd say that MOST gamers are guys, therefore MOST trolls would be guys too) Yeah, you could do that, but that doesn't actually solve anything.
To use risk assessment solutions you can:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved): quit the group yourself or disinvite him.
Reduction (optimize - mitigate): talk to him about his suckass behavior and hope he changes.
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure): Get him to join another group at the same time that doesn't have a problem with his behavior or bring someone in who can run interference.
Retention (accept and budget): let him stay and just know that he's a troll.
So ok, there is is. Making steak from poop or lemonade from lemons. It's all about using your prodigous nerd brains to make the best of a craptacular situation. And I'm only going to partially apologize for taking a super "male" perspective on trying to fix problems instead of the "female" perspective of empathizing with them. I've seen what empathy gets you, more crap, so yeah, fix the damn problems.
Life is often what you make of it. Everyone has ups and downs in their lives, but are you going to be ruled by the badness in your life or are you going to overcome it, learn from it, and get stronger? Or as I told a friend, "everyone has crap in their life, now are you going to let the crap rule you? or are you going to make steaks out of it?"
Wallowing gets you a couple of things, makes your friends and family want to smack you repeatedly, a reputation for being a downer, stagnates you in a a neverending mire of self pity and doesn't actually fix anything.
Now the making steaks method means that you'll be thinking critically about the situation, trying to resolve issues as much as possible, and trying to reduce the occurrence in the future. Even if you can't fix it, you have mentally prepared yourself for that situation so when it happens again, you won't be so jacked up about it.
In project management this is like the risk assessment section. There are four ways to deal with risk:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved)
Reduction (optimize - mitigate)
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure)
Retention (accept and budget)
You can use these in real life. You try to avoid problems, reduce their effect, get help when you need it, and lastly accept what's left. Whinging about your problems is certainly not part of risk assessment. I'm not opposed to a good gripe (and I've certainly participated in my fair share) but what happens after that is what is important. Are you going to continue griping or are you going to avoid, reduce, share, or accept the problem?
Here's a geekified example. You're in a gaming group with a troll. Not a literal goat-eating bridge-guarding troll but the kind of troll that likes to disrupt the group, make rude comments, argue with the gm etc. What do you do? Keep complaining about how sucky the guy is with the rest of your group when he's not around? (I'm saying he b/c I'd say that MOST gamers are guys, therefore MOST trolls would be guys too) Yeah, you could do that, but that doesn't actually solve anything.
To use risk assessment solutions you can:
Avoidance (eliminate, withdraw from or not become involved): quit the group yourself or disinvite him.
Reduction (optimize - mitigate): talk to him about his suckass behavior and hope he changes.
Sharing (transfer - outsource or insure): Get him to join another group at the same time that doesn't have a problem with his behavior or bring someone in who can run interference.
Retention (accept and budget): let him stay and just know that he's a troll.
So ok, there is is. Making steak from poop or lemonade from lemons. It's all about using your prodigous nerd brains to make the best of a craptacular situation. And I'm only going to partially apologize for taking a super "male" perspective on trying to fix problems instead of the "female" perspective of empathizing with them. I've seen what empathy gets you, more crap, so yeah, fix the damn problems.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Why Reading Skills are Important
I was checking my old okcupid profile recently, basically b/c I use it to mine for ideas for this blog. Anyhow, I discovered I'm still getting the occasional sleezy message from guys. There is a big problem with that, basically b/c if the idiot had read my profile it would say a number of things that would lead you to probably not do that...
1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)
2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.
I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.)
It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.
I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.
Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.
Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.
If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.
So ok, there's my thought for the "week".
1) it says I'm only looking for friends and activity partners (although I still think activity partners sounds dirty)
2) it says I'm engaged and that it's not an open relationship.
I would think that if you read, these would be two red flags. But this leads me to my main point, READ. Read the profile of the person that you're contacting. This will lead to less issues in the future. Here's some examples of why you should actually read the ENTIRE profile: they want kids but you don't, they live an unacceptably far drive from you, or s/he's really a lady boy. (Nothings wrong with lady boys as long as both parties are aware, I'm just throwing that out there.) It's best to read and know that certain core things aren't going to be simpatico and then you don't waste time contacting each other only to realise like 5 months into the relationship there's some surprising genitals.
I think beyond the ability to weed out people who don't match on a basic level, you could also learn a lot about someone by critically reading what they write in their profile. Someone who's last book was the new Wheel of Time novel is probably a geek. Someone who's last book was The Cat in the Hat (and they're not a teacher or children's librarian) is probably not much of a reader. Are their hobbies solitary or group events? Outdoorsy or hanging around the house? You will probably want someone who has a similar lifestyle to yours and reading the between the lines can help you find out what a typical day is like.
Conversely, what you write also is important. I know that profiles can be very exhausting and sometimes you don't want to share information with strangers. But my theory is, if you're trying to meet someone you're compatible with, you want to be as honest as you can, b/c you want them to like who you are, not who you wish you were. On my profile, I write that I think about doing karate and rollerblading. I don't really do those things anymore b/c I'm a lazy bastard but I do like them in theory. I could say I still did those activities but how would that help in the long run? Don't shoot yourself in the foot and answer truthfully even when it's a little painful. This goes especially for things like, age and weight. They're going to find out eventually, and if you meet someone who dismisses you b/c you're a little bit old or have a little bit of junk in the trunk, they're a douche anyways.
Furthermore, take time filling out your profile. It's one of your first chances to impress someone, so spellcheck, make sure your grammar is decent, and answer questions with detailed answers b/c you want to give as full of an image of yourself as possible.
If you have the question, "what are the 3 most important things to you?" And you answer, "my job, my family, and my dog", that's ok. But if you elaborate, they can learn about your supportive relationship with your family, and that you love that you have a job that not only challenges you but allows you free time outside of work, and that your dog is super cute and you've had him since high school. It's just a more complete picture of yourself.
So ok, there's my thought for the "week".
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Outside Advice
Today's topic, outside advice. This refers to either solicited or unsolicited advice from friends and family about your relationship or lack thereof.
I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.
Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)
Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.
If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.
The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.
I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)
Ok, I'm outs.
I know that most girls talk about their relationships with other girls. I know that some guys will talk about their relationships with friends that are girls...I cannot verify that guys do a lot of talking with other guys about their relationships though. I would guess that chatty guys, yes, guys like my husband, no.
Anyhow, regardless of the chattiness levels, there is always going to be advice. It's going to come from all angles, family, friends, coworkers, and sometimes random strangers on the street. Even if your mom tells you something, she might not be right, b/c she doesn't know all the details of your relationship or your life. Mother does not always know best. (Sorry mom!)
Friends and even best friends will mean well and may know you better than your family but they are also coming from a different perspective and with their own biases and prejudices. Don't let their weird hangups make you feel bad about the decisions you make.
If you work with a bunch of older ladies, they will be very interested in your personal life. Probably b/c they are bored. They mean well too. But they probably don't know you on a very deep level and probably just through the work version of you. They might try to set you up with children or friend's kids and it might work. It might not. They will give you advice, but again, take everything with a grain of salt and try to retain your sense of humor since sometimes they might have some pretty old fashioned ideas about how things work.
The important part is, it's up to you and your partner to decide if you're going to take it. Don't listen to how someone else thinks you should be conducting your relationship. If you guys want to have separate bedrooms, don't let someone tell you that's wrong. It's your life and your quality of sleep. Don't let someone tell you that you need to change your name. That's your name. Other people don't determine how good of a partner you are, you as a couple do. If you guys are happy, eff everyone else, this is YOUR life.
I realise this is rather hypocritical of me as a dating advice column but I think the lesson here is, listen to what works for you and ignore the rest. We're all different, and our relationships and expectations are different, so why would you want to be all the same?? That goes against the geek credo! :)
Ok, I'm outs.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Practice makes perfect
Sorry about the very late and sporadic posting these last few months—planning a wedding will do crazy things to your schedule, but I hope to get back to a semi regular posting schedule for my small but loyal readers, hearts to all three of you guys! :)
ok so enough about me—onto our topic: Practice practice practice!
Like most things, I think it's important to practice dating. Sure there are probably some ppl out there where dating is a natural process like baby horses standing minutes after birth, but face it,we're nerds so any kind of social activity is going to be a challenge.
Let me describe a typical geek scenario: you spot a cute guy or girl at your work or class (substitute any public place here). You may learn their name, exchange some pleasantries (probably not), and engage in some light internet stalking. This may continue for weeks, months, years! You never go further than pining from afar and dreaming about how awesome they are. Gentle reader, I assure you that all this info is gleaned from years of sociological studies of geek volunteers, and indeed not from personal experience whatsoever.
After an extraordinarily long period of time when they have finally broken up with their douchy bf or gf you finally ask them to “hang out” some time. Let's suppose in this version of reality they say yes. Fantastic yes? No! I say no b/c while they were experiencing the real world you were busy creating a fantasy version of them that no real person can match up to. This will lead to a lot of problems.
Other problems: you probably have not been dating others at this time and this is bad. Not all dating must lead to permanent relationships, sometimes you need to learn how you'll act while dating. There is a social etiquette that involves stupid things like remembering anniversaries, buying useless things for each other, and pretending to enjoy their hobbies and friends.
Also perhaps more importantly you will learn what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. Never realised you hate when ppl bite their nails? Well now you do! Don't mind socks all over the floor, good for you. All of these things are part of the learning process. Also you'll be better at spotting and ditching scumbags faster so you aren't left wondering why you dated that a-hole for a year and a half. (so a good friend tells me.)
Finally I think is the MOST important thing for geeks to learn is how to not be spazzy around ppl you like. This is for all the nerds who suffer from foot in mouth syndrome or act pompous like Ted Mosby or chatter endlessly or wear blue sun t-shirt to a first date b/c they think it's cool and will impress others (I am of course again only referring to observations I have made.) it is only with practice that you'll learn to not talk about your cute dog for the entire date or talk about how cool it is that a certain building was designed by an architect that no one has heard of. For geeks on the opposite side of the chatty spectrum, practice talking to ppl you aren't familiar with. For many woman I think they will assume a guy who says very little or has very short responses is not interested in them. Or that you're boring. Either way, bad news. Maybe they'll think you're a good listener if you're lucky but if you don't even know how to nod or make odd affirmative grunting noises at the correct spots in a conversation this is going to be a rough journey.
So lets recap the sitch, you've asked out someone you've liked for a long time and they've agreed to a date. Assuming they are the barrel of awesome you think they are, do you want to bring your A game or your “I haven't read the directions” game to that first date? You generally don't get redos on first impressions so do your homework beforehand and practice, practice, practice.
ok so enough about me—onto our topic: Practice practice practice!
Like most things, I think it's important to practice dating. Sure there are probably some ppl out there where dating is a natural process like baby horses standing minutes after birth, but face it,we're nerds so any kind of social activity is going to be a challenge.
Let me describe a typical geek scenario: you spot a cute guy or girl at your work or class (substitute any public place here). You may learn their name, exchange some pleasantries (probably not), and engage in some light internet stalking. This may continue for weeks, months, years! You never go further than pining from afar and dreaming about how awesome they are. Gentle reader, I assure you that all this info is gleaned from years of sociological studies of geek volunteers, and indeed not from personal experience whatsoever.
After an extraordinarily long period of time when they have finally broken up with their douchy bf or gf you finally ask them to “hang out” some time. Let's suppose in this version of reality they say yes. Fantastic yes? No! I say no b/c while they were experiencing the real world you were busy creating a fantasy version of them that no real person can match up to. This will lead to a lot of problems.
Other problems: you probably have not been dating others at this time and this is bad. Not all dating must lead to permanent relationships, sometimes you need to learn how you'll act while dating. There is a social etiquette that involves stupid things like remembering anniversaries, buying useless things for each other, and pretending to enjoy their hobbies and friends.
Also perhaps more importantly you will learn what you will and won't tolerate in a partner. Never realised you hate when ppl bite their nails? Well now you do! Don't mind socks all over the floor, good for you. All of these things are part of the learning process. Also you'll be better at spotting and ditching scumbags faster so you aren't left wondering why you dated that a-hole for a year and a half. (so a good friend tells me.)
Finally I think is the MOST important thing for geeks to learn is how to not be spazzy around ppl you like. This is for all the nerds who suffer from foot in mouth syndrome or act pompous like Ted Mosby or chatter endlessly or wear blue sun t-shirt to a first date b/c they think it's cool and will impress others (I am of course again only referring to observations I have made.) it is only with practice that you'll learn to not talk about your cute dog for the entire date or talk about how cool it is that a certain building was designed by an architect that no one has heard of. For geeks on the opposite side of the chatty spectrum, practice talking to ppl you aren't familiar with. For many woman I think they will assume a guy who says very little or has very short responses is not interested in them. Or that you're boring. Either way, bad news. Maybe they'll think you're a good listener if you're lucky but if you don't even know how to nod or make odd affirmative grunting noises at the correct spots in a conversation this is going to be a rough journey.
So lets recap the sitch, you've asked out someone you've liked for a long time and they've agreed to a date. Assuming they are the barrel of awesome you think they are, do you want to bring your A game or your “I haven't read the directions” game to that first date? You generally don't get redos on first impressions so do your homework beforehand and practice, practice, practice.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
What's Gender Got to Do with It?
Anyhow, apologies for such a late late late post and the sporadic posting. I hate when life gets in the way of hobbies. :)
*disclaimer, may be really insulting to some, read at your own risk, go be a troll somewhere else*
Today's topic, gender roles. (Did I talk about this already?) The cultural anthropologist in me wants to say that gender is a social construction and roles are determined by society and the biological anthropologist wants to say that gender roles are determined by biology. Well I think there's truth to both of those statements and also neither of them. I think that there is certainly aspects of gender that are biologically determined such as who gives birth. We have not yet mastered the science of impregnating Austrian bodybuilders yet. And there are culturally determined roles that men and women are suppose to play. In Western culture, that typically means, manly men who are tough and are protectors and providers. And women who are pliant and nurturing and caretakers. (Unless there's a bunch of emo hipster metrosexual guys in which case, I don't think tough really describes a guy in skinny jeans.)
Nothing wrong with those roles...if you WANT to follow them. But there are plenty of people who don't fall into those molds and they do just fine. It's increasingly common to see lady CEOs and househusbands.
Now in relationships, it's up to the people involved to determine if they want to follow traditional gender roles. Back in ye olden days of the 50s and 60s, many men worked and women stayed home to raise the family and feed the husband and bring him his slippers. But even back then, there were women who worked although generally in traditional "pink collar" jobs such as teaching, nursing, librarianship, or clerical. Today there are many studies which say that women are consistently attaining higher educations than men and are using those educations in careers. Personally, I did not get two masters degrees so I can stay home and make babies. I respect people who do stay home and raise families but staying at home makes me feel nauseous (I'm not kidding, I literally feel sick if I'm home all day) but I know there are a lot of other women whose careers are very important to them and while they love their families too, it's not their entire identity. (Wow I sound like a jerk to all the housewives/husbands out there, I don't mean to, but I'm just trying to clarify my own thoughts too).
So what does this mean? It means that it's you and your sig other that need to determine how you want to live, split up household and child care responsibilities. Men don't have to be the deciders and women the followers. We're not a hunting gathering society anymore. We're a sit in an office at a computer society and both sexes can do that equally well.
In conclusion, don't tie me down by my XX chromosomes, I'm more than just two little letters. Plus, it's none of your god damn business. >:P
*disclaimer, may be really insulting to some, read at your own risk, go be a troll somewhere else*
Today's topic, gender roles. (Did I talk about this already?) The cultural anthropologist in me wants to say that gender is a social construction and roles are determined by society and the biological anthropologist wants to say that gender roles are determined by biology. Well I think there's truth to both of those statements and also neither of them. I think that there is certainly aspects of gender that are biologically determined such as who gives birth. We have not yet mastered the science of impregnating Austrian bodybuilders yet. And there are culturally determined roles that men and women are suppose to play. In Western culture, that typically means, manly men who are tough and are protectors and providers. And women who are pliant and nurturing and caretakers. (Unless there's a bunch of emo hipster metrosexual guys in which case, I don't think tough really describes a guy in skinny jeans.)
Nothing wrong with those roles...if you WANT to follow them. But there are plenty of people who don't fall into those molds and they do just fine. It's increasingly common to see lady CEOs and househusbands.
Now in relationships, it's up to the people involved to determine if they want to follow traditional gender roles. Back in ye olden days of the 50s and 60s, many men worked and women stayed home to raise the family and feed the husband and bring him his slippers. But even back then, there were women who worked although generally in traditional "pink collar" jobs such as teaching, nursing, librarianship, or clerical. Today there are many studies which say that women are consistently attaining higher educations than men and are using those educations in careers. Personally, I did not get two masters degrees so I can stay home and make babies. I respect people who do stay home and raise families but staying at home makes me feel nauseous (I'm not kidding, I literally feel sick if I'm home all day) but I know there are a lot of other women whose careers are very important to them and while they love their families too, it's not their entire identity. (Wow I sound like a jerk to all the housewives/husbands out there, I don't mean to, but I'm just trying to clarify my own thoughts too).
So what does this mean? It means that it's you and your sig other that need to determine how you want to live, split up household and child care responsibilities. Men don't have to be the deciders and women the followers. We're not a hunting gathering society anymore. We're a sit in an office at a computer society and both sexes can do that equally well.
In conclusion, don't tie me down by my XX chromosomes, I'm more than just two little letters. Plus, it's none of your god damn business. >:P
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Book Review: Get Over Yourself
Get Over Yourself!: How to Get Real, Get Serious, and Get Ready to Find TRUE LOVE
by Patti Novak and Laura Zigman
Patti Novak is another matchmaker who had a tv show recently and she's written a book on getting out of your own way when you're dating.
I'll summarize the important parts for us busy nerds.
* Need to be honest with yourself when looking for dates. You need to know who you are and know what you're looking for and basically if you're holding out for Kristen Bell to date you, you're going to be waiting a long time. While we all love us some Veronica Mars, maybe you need to settle for a less cute girl who has some good snark to her.
* Get over your past history. Ok we've all got baggage, bad families, relationships, attacked by bears, whatever. You gotta let it go to an extent. Don't be all crazy bitter about things. I know that bear hurt you, but you survived and now you know that when you're camping to not leave poptarts in your tent. People can sense when people have crazy issues and we don't want to be around sad sacks or angry bitter people generally. So learn from it, and move on towards something better.
* Really evaluate yourself. This goes back to my theory of, you need to know who you are. If you know what is causing your problems, get help, stop doing it, whatever it takes to move past it. If you're disturbing shy and awkward that is not going to help you in the dating world. Not everyone is going to meet someone who is willing to overlook the inability to look you in the eye. Find out what might have caused the problem and work on it. If you don't know what caused it, work on it. WORK ON IT.
* Her three keys to a healthy relationship: common sense, self-esteem, and kindness.
It makes sense, it's simple and if you think about it, these three things will get you really far in your dating life and work life and friendships. Basically I think these things are non-negotiables.
* Change what you can change that you don't like about yourself. Pretty simple.
* Internet dating, this is where I really disagree with her. She says that internet dating is not good. I think she's generally dealing with non-nerds though. I understand what she means when she says that people shouldn't stay in an internet relationship forever b/c if you're shy, it can be a crutch or whatever but it's a very good way to meet people and to help try and prescreen them.
*There's also quite a lot on not dating narcissists. From everything I've read on narcissistic personality types, they are the one type of people who won't change, and in their opinion, they don't need to change, there's nothing wrong with them. This is a list of things totally stolen from the super authoritative wikipedia.
"The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
* They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.
* They very rarely talk about their inner life - for example their memories and dreams.
* There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
* They feel that rules at work don't apply to them.
* Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.
* They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
* They constantly use "I", "me" and "my" when they talk.
* If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion's share yourself.
* They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.
* They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
* Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.
* During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.
* They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.
* Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring)
They just sound like awful awful people to be around, so if you think you're dating someone with this, run run away, b/c they'll bring you pain. (hey, I'm only a fake narcissist!)
Ok, that's my summary, now you don't have to read the book! :)
by Patti Novak and Laura Zigman
Patti Novak is another matchmaker who had a tv show recently and she's written a book on getting out of your own way when you're dating.
I'll summarize the important parts for us busy nerds.
* Need to be honest with yourself when looking for dates. You need to know who you are and know what you're looking for and basically if you're holding out for Kristen Bell to date you, you're going to be waiting a long time. While we all love us some Veronica Mars, maybe you need to settle for a less cute girl who has some good snark to her.
* Get over your past history. Ok we've all got baggage, bad families, relationships, attacked by bears, whatever. You gotta let it go to an extent. Don't be all crazy bitter about things. I know that bear hurt you, but you survived and now you know that when you're camping to not leave poptarts in your tent. People can sense when people have crazy issues and we don't want to be around sad sacks or angry bitter people generally. So learn from it, and move on towards something better.
* Really evaluate yourself. This goes back to my theory of, you need to know who you are. If you know what is causing your problems, get help, stop doing it, whatever it takes to move past it. If you're disturbing shy and awkward that is not going to help you in the dating world. Not everyone is going to meet someone who is willing to overlook the inability to look you in the eye. Find out what might have caused the problem and work on it. If you don't know what caused it, work on it. WORK ON IT.
* Her three keys to a healthy relationship: common sense, self-esteem, and kindness.
It makes sense, it's simple and if you think about it, these three things will get you really far in your dating life and work life and friendships. Basically I think these things are non-negotiables.
* Change what you can change that you don't like about yourself. Pretty simple.
* Internet dating, this is where I really disagree with her. She says that internet dating is not good. I think she's generally dealing with non-nerds though. I understand what she means when she says that people shouldn't stay in an internet relationship forever b/c if you're shy, it can be a crutch or whatever but it's a very good way to meet people and to help try and prescreen them.
*There's also quite a lot on not dating narcissists. From everything I've read on narcissistic personality types, they are the one type of people who won't change, and in their opinion, they don't need to change, there's nothing wrong with them. This is a list of things totally stolen from the super authoritative wikipedia.
"The following pointers may indicate the presence of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
* They expect others to do the day-to-day chores as they feel too important to waste their time on common things.
* They very rarely talk about their inner life - for example their memories and dreams.
* There tends to be a higher level of stress with people who work with or interact with a narcissist, which in turn increases absenteeism and staff turnover.
* They feel that rules at work don't apply to them.
* Their sense of self-importance and lack of empathy means that they will often interrupt the conversation of others.
* They get impatient and restless when the topic of conversation is about someone else, and not about them.
* They constantly use "I", "me" and "my" when they talk.
* If you share the workload with them, expect to do the lion's share yourself.
* They lack empathy and this colours everything they do.
* They love to delegate work, and then interfere by micromanaging it. If it goes well they take the credit (plagiarism); if it goes badly, they blame the person they delegated it to.
* Blame others for their actions and misfortunes.
* During a conversation, no matter what topic is being discussed, they usually end up talking about themselves.
* They will always cheat whenever they think they will get away with it.
* Virtually all their ideas or ways of behaving in a given situation are taken from others (mirroring)
They just sound like awful awful people to be around, so if you think you're dating someone with this, run run away, b/c they'll bring you pain. (hey, I'm only a fake narcissist!)
Ok, that's my summary, now you don't have to read the book! :)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Your life is not a romcom
After a semi-drunk night of watching the rather terrible movie Couple's Retreat, I have decided to write a huge pet peeve of mine which is when people expect their relationships to be in like the movies, all romantic and crap.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
So in Couple's Retreat (I'm totally going to spoil it for you guys b/c it really is a shitty movie) four couples go to some crazy couples counceling place and then discover that their relationships had massive problems and then at a drunken party at the end, everything is fixed and they get back together again. Now in the first place, a lot of these couples should not have been together in the first place, one couple consistently cheats on each other, another one, the guy doesn't respect the girl and always tells her what to do b/c she's doing things wrong. Yet at the end, it's all good and they stay together.
Ok, here's my chief complaint, life is not a movie. Generally if you start off hating someone you aren't going to realize later that you're perfect for each other. It's not going to be all cute misunderstandings with a chase scene at the end. Odds are, no wacky neighbor or relative is going to be pulling stunts to get you two together like faking heart attacks.
Here's the real deal, life is not necessarily exciting. There will be ups and downs and it's your job to get through them, not wait for chance or fate or luck to make things happen for you. Rely on things like communication and common sense and not irrational thoughts to determine course of actions. And don't wait for the manic pixie dream girl...they might seem cool but you're just in for a world of hurt if you do.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Who are you?
One of the things I've had to think about lately is identity. What makes you you. I self identify as many things, librarian, geek, dog owner, panda-hater. But is that all I am? No, there are more than just labels that make up what makes you unique.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
But what about the biggest label of them all, your name? Your name is a very personal thing, so what happens if your name is no longer your own? Have you suddenly become another person? Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? Technically roses would smell the same if they were called buttweed but you know they're not. I would be the same person I am now if my name changed technically. Still all the same attributes overall (although I've have to change my gmail address!!!) but still, a name is an important thing. If it wasn't, why would parents agonize over what they're going to name their children and then give them weird names like Apple, or Shiloh or Pilot Inspektor.
I think that tradition is important but also being true to what you believe is ultimately more important. So just like you shouldn't change your core self for another person, you shouldn't HAVE to change your name either if you don't want to. For me, I don't love my name, it's kind of strange but it's mine and I don't think any other name would fit me since I'm kinda strange too. So don't change your name if you feel strongly about the thing, but if your name is Ima Buttweed, dude, totally change your name, and your parents are sadistic bastards.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Time: the Ravager
It's often said, "With time comes wisdom," however with that wisdom also comes other less positive things such as winkles, weight gain, white hair, and random aches and pains in your back.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
We nerds are not immune to the ravages of time. We may often look younger than we are b/c we avoid sunlight and the resulting skin damage, we make up for that in lack of physical exercise. What's the point of all this? The point is, don't date or try to date someone b/c they're the hottest thing ever. Looks will fade, and even with plastic surgery, they won't look right, so find someone with substance, like intelligence and personality b/c that lasts much longer. If you're looking for a long term relationship, remember what they look like at 20 or 30 or even 40 is not going to be what they look like at 50 and up. Make sure their personality is a worthwhile one.
So unless you're some crazy rich software executive who's going to trade in his trophy wife for a new model periodically (which does qualify you as a douche), find a wife worth sticking with and that you'll want to grow old with.
Thank you Adam Sandler
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you.
I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches.
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you.
I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold.
Need you, feed you, and even let you hold the remote control.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the man who grows old with you.
[Robbie & Julia]
I'll miss you, kiss you, take your shoes off and rub your feet.
Need you, feed you, and when we play checkers i'll let you cheat.
So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink.
Oh I could be the one who grows old with you.
I wanna grow old with you.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
OkCupid enslaved (I mean purchased) by Match.com
There's been some stuff flying around the internet now that OkCupid has been purchased by Match.com for something like $50 million. Meaning one of the largest free dating sites is now owned by one of the largest not free dating sites. While Match.com CEO guy says that they intend to keep OkCupid free b/c it serves a different demographic than Match.com I'm not sure that OkCupid users will be best served by the purchase. As an independent company, it is it's own priority, but I would assume that Match.com as a subscription based company generates more revenue than any website which runs off of ad revenue. Therefore it's in Match's best interest to funnel OkCupid's users to Match.com. This article from the Atlantic says what we all just said.
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
I believe it's just a fundamental conflict of interest. Companies are out there to make money, not to matchmake for free b/c they love romance. And more paid subscribers equals more money. So what does OkCupid think about it? Well although they have denied that it has anything to do with the aquisition by Match, they have taken down their OkTrends blog post on Why You Should Never Pay for Dating Sites, so I have included a link to a screen shot of it. While I don't necessarily agree with all of their logic about being "better than Match or Eharmony" I do agree that OkCupid serves a different market of broke ass young people looking to date/hook up.
So how will it play out? Do I think they'll leave OkCupid alone forever? I doubt it, it's like when China got Hong Kong back...it's sorta seperate but sorta under China's control but it certainly ain't as "free" as it used to be. I think Match may start to restrict features that are currently free on OkCupid, either encouraging you to pay for 'gold status' for access or to move to Match which has that feature. In that case, I think that users will move to a new dating community which is free b/c while many companies want us to pay for internet content...most of us probably won't.
What's interesting is the blog that they wrote about subscription based dating is still fundamentally true. Even if some of the numbers are off, just from experience, we all know that this is basically correct. That there are way too many nerdy guys online looking for love and way too many picky ass girls who don't necessarily want to date geeks. But this is true I think of all dating sites. Most girls get bombarded with messages and guys have to send out billions of messages to girls that will probably never respond.
What's the solution? Figure out where the heck all the women have gone! Probably people need to work on removing the stigma of online dating. If it became more widely known that yes, normal people can meet online, and not just creepy dudes, maybe more women would sign up, but according to this (possibly) authoratitve article says, guys sign up for sites with free pictures of women and women sign up for dating sites that involve fees and a longer registration form. They took it to mean that women actually want to date (or love filling out forms) on a dating site and that men just want free pictures of chicks. And that is not going to help the remove the image of the skeezy guy online.
Oh, so what's the point of this blog post? Uh, I guess, that nothing in life is free?
Saturday, January 29, 2011
What's in a name?
In the world of online dating, your username along with your photo will be an important part of the first impression. Like managing your online presence on facebook or twitter, your username can create either a good or bad first impression. If the person you're contacting has several people they're hearing from and they all have neutral names, and your username is kirksexgod, then unless she's looking for a trekkie sex god, she's probably going to pass you by.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
So what kind of image are you trying to portray? Do you want to let your nerdiness hang out? Do you want them to know that you're a sports fan? It's a tough choice and not necessarily one that I can make for you, b/c you need to pick what kind of image and what kind of person you want to attract but I'll give you examples of real usernames and what impression I get from their usernames.
Sexyindian (high opinion of yourself much? If you're so sexy, why are you messaging me? also, which kind of indian, dot or feather?)
imaslowbro (slow as in dumb?)
Owlbott (I kinda think of owlbears but like mechanized...which actually is kinda cool...but I'm a nerd.)
OCgamer (very straightforward. Gamer who lives in the OC, pretty neutral to me.)
Idiotsavant (I actually thought it was pretty clever, esp when paired with a good first message, but if you say you're an idiot savant and you turn out just to be an idiot, that's not great.)
Vparrotface (wtf does v parrot face mean?!?!?!? I'm so confused.)
Wkndwarrior (I kinda think Mad Max but just for drinking. That's not a great image.)
Tenderotter (do you eat otters? poor otters!)
Not everything is going to have the same impression that I will, I mean, thinking about owlbears is a pretty random thing, but hey, that brings me to my next point about usernames, try to think of the different ways it can be interpreted. Avoid things that could be misconstrued in very inappropriate ways. If you're into photography maybe you'd choose a name like Tripod...but not everyone is going to think photography, they make think bad things. Or like if you do SCA don't put, Iloveswords but that's just wrong and wrong. So if you're serious about managing your profile you may want to as your friends about possible usernames and especially ask the ones with filthy minds b/c they're going to be like, no, that just sounds super phallic.
Some ideas for usernames, non-offensive hobbies, nicknames, stuff from movies or tvshows as long as it's not like ichithekiller. I don't recommend your real name unless it's required like on eharmony b/c you might want not want everyone to know your name right away. I think numbers are fine as long as you avoid things like 69 or again anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. I mean if you're looking for hookups, sure, do it, but if you're looking for serious meaningful relationships, most people are going to get the wrong impression from someone called username69.
This article at Geeksdreamgirl has some advice too on usernames. And here's her article on picking names...I'm not sure if I like the adjective+noun way of naming but hey, if you're desperate, it can't hurt. But definitely, brainstorm possible ideas but do get your friends to make sure that it's not AWFUL.
So if you're not getting the responses you think you should be or your attracting the wrong kind of attention online, go and think about your username and see if maybe it's giving out the wrong impression.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match
Find me a find, catch me a catch! (from a song I learned in 6th grade)
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
Matchmaking is an ancient tradition, generally performed by bored moms, meddling friends, and their ilk. For geeks, matchmaking can be very useful or can really really suck.
Generally in my experience, matchmaking has not been very successful. When I decided to start seriously try and date again, I asked pretty much everyone I knew if they knew anybody cool to try and set me up with. While I met and went out with several guys, I just didn't have chemistry with any of them, even though many of them were cool people and I'd be friends with them if I could handle having more friends. It seemed that friends of friends leads to more friends, not potential dating partners. Except in the case of the guy my mom set me up with. He was the son of my mom's friend's friend. I did not have super high hopes b/c my mom knows a lot of weird people, but doesn't really know what a nerd is (although all three of her children could be described as nerds). That date was possibly one of the worst dates I've ever had. Let me tell you that telling someone that she should hit her dog to improve his behavior is not a great start.
When you're set up by family: there are benefits to being set up by family. They care about you and want you to be happy...and if you move out and get married, they won't have to deal with your single ass anymore. The downside by being set up by your mom is what she thinks you need and want can be really different from what you need and want. Remember how I said my mom doesn't know what a nerd is? We'll she set me up with that guy b/c he likes animals (but he hits them, I guess that's what happens when you're raised in the jungle and had monkeys and deer for pets), and b/c he likes to stay at home and he's a "good kid". Omg, I thought I was going to die. Other than he liked pets, there was no common ground and he was super fobby. Fobby is fine some people but not exactly what I want in a date. My mom, being a fob, is ok with fobby. :P So beware of when your mom wants to matchmake for you.
When you're set up by friends: friends might actually be better than your mom for matchmaking, since your best friends are in touch with the real you, not the imaginary version they have in their head. Plus they probably know more people in the appropriate age range. The downside is, especially if they're nerds, maybe they only know a whole bunch of single dudes, which does not help when you're trying to set up other single (and hetero) dudes.
Something that can be awesome and then turn out to suck. Since matchmaking generally involves setting up two people you know and like, what happens if something bad happens. I'm not saying one bad date. No one is going to die from one bad date. I'm talking about like, BAD, like you get into a relationship and someone cheats, or turns out to be an a-hole or whatever. That can put the matchmaker into a jam b/c on a certain level, they were vouching for the decency of both individuals. I think if people agree to be set up, they need to try and leave their friend out of it after that...don't tell them all about this date and that date and what they do that's so cute, b/c what happens if it goes bad? You're putting them into a pickle. I mean, they try their best to find two compatible people and it's the responsibility of the two people to see if the relationship is valid.
If you're interested in getting set up (still after all this bad news) then I would start by asking friends, family, and coworkers if they know anyone who'd be willing to be set up with you. Not everyone wants to matchmake b/c of possible backlash but if you work with a lot of bored people they just might do it! It works better with people who know a lot of people...so you'll need to talk to someone social. Asking your roommate who also doesn't leave the house if they know someone to set you up with isn't going to be very useful, but asking your cousin who's super chatty and has billions of friends could be. And then prepared to go on a lot of dates...some will be good, some will be bad, and some will be very bad. It's the nature of the beast.
Professional matchmaking is an entirely different can of worms. I've read some stuff about professional matchmakers and I think you might have worse odds than asking your friends or going online and looking. Here's why I think so, b/c they still have a limited pool of people that they know. They still probably know more single guys looking for love than women, just like on most dating websites. They won't know as much about the people they're setting up as much as your friends or family know about you, so they're just going to rely on the basics of what's in their file, age, sex, occupation, hobbies. But that doesn't necessarily describe who YOU are. They also tend to charge a lot. One service online charges a minimum of $1000 for women and $50,000 for men! Even if they aren't all that pricey, that's crazy amounts of money. Matchmaking for dummies online says "Prices vary from almost nothing ($150) to $4,000 or more, depending on your city and the type of program involved. Good services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work involved and the cost to the company. Services go by time (one or two years) or by the number of matches you receive. Prices for personalized matchmaking services tend to be firm — and should stay firm." Also, at least from a woman's perspective, I think that matchmaking firms tend to be pretty sexist. It's about getting guys the hot, smart, perfect woman...but what about the guys? Are they also hot, smart and otherwise perfect or do they just have loads of money and that is supposed to make up for all other personality flaws? I read the book by Patti Stanger and her advice for women is, BE HOT. If you're not hot, become hot. And if you live in big cities like Los Angeles where everyone is an aspiring model or actress, move out of the city. I did not like her advice.
Anyhow, that's my bit about matchmaking.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Keeping the romance alive
Or at least keeping it undead.
Basically this will be a guide for the unromantic b/c romantic people don't have these issues. Unless they're dating unromantics.
Traditionally giving gifts is considered a romantic gesture. Anthopologically speaking, males gave females gifts to prove that they'd be excellent providers. They've seen male chimps giving meat to female chimps in exchange for sex. The oldest profession indeed!
Oh, but in modern humans, it's not so much giving stuff to women b/c I've heard of plenty of women getting mad over practical things like toasters but now men must prove the quality of their providership by "burning" their resources on what are really "useless" gifts such as chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry. Things that generally serve no purpose other than to be expensive and hold high cultural value but little intrinsic value.
These traditional gifts are generally well received by women but not all women. It is important to know what kind of woman you are dating. There are some women who HATE HATE HATE cut flowers b/c they're just going to die and you have to water them. Their philosophy is gee, thanks for getting me a present that will give me more work to do. I personally am not a huge fan of chocolate. Some girls crave chocolate, I am not one of them. It's your job to discover what she does and does not like b/c if you get her something she doesn't like, you will gain no reputation points.
Now to think outside of the box is a bit better. While some women may want the chocolates, diamonds, flowers route, it takes more thought to come up with a gift that is individually tailored. If your girl is a geek, think of what she likes. Horror fan? Zombie themed gifts--this year I've seen zombie mugs, shirts, books, and cross-stitching. Does she play video games? Look for video game accessories or old classics she might have missed. Is she a dice-chucking gamer? More dice are always appreciated or maybe a miniature for her latest campaign. These things are probably less expensive yet will probably be more meaningful since it means that you have actually learned what she likes and doesn't like.
Another way to show you care is to do things for her. Recent studies say that women feel more romantic towards their partners when they do domestic stuff around the house, like laundry, cooking or washing dishes. This kinda makes sense since now women often work outside of the home and are generating their own income so money isn't necessarily as tight as things like time. With less time to do household chores, helping around the house allows her more time to do things she would really want to do, like sleep, or read, or play WoW.
Lastly, you can help keep the romance alive by planning fun things, they don't have to be expensive, just things for the both of you to do that you enjoy. Getting out of your daily routine will help that.
Basically it boils down to, think about your partner and what they might need right now, not a toaster but like emotional support ways and such.
Basically this will be a guide for the unromantic b/c romantic people don't have these issues. Unless they're dating unromantics.
Traditionally giving gifts is considered a romantic gesture. Anthopologically speaking, males gave females gifts to prove that they'd be excellent providers. They've seen male chimps giving meat to female chimps in exchange for sex. The oldest profession indeed!
Oh, but in modern humans, it's not so much giving stuff to women b/c I've heard of plenty of women getting mad over practical things like toasters but now men must prove the quality of their providership by "burning" their resources on what are really "useless" gifts such as chocolates, stuffed animals, flowers, and jewelry. Things that generally serve no purpose other than to be expensive and hold high cultural value but little intrinsic value.
These traditional gifts are generally well received by women but not all women. It is important to know what kind of woman you are dating. There are some women who HATE HATE HATE cut flowers b/c they're just going to die and you have to water them. Their philosophy is gee, thanks for getting me a present that will give me more work to do. I personally am not a huge fan of chocolate. Some girls crave chocolate, I am not one of them. It's your job to discover what she does and does not like b/c if you get her something she doesn't like, you will gain no reputation points.
Now to think outside of the box is a bit better. While some women may want the chocolates, diamonds, flowers route, it takes more thought to come up with a gift that is individually tailored. If your girl is a geek, think of what she likes. Horror fan? Zombie themed gifts--this year I've seen zombie mugs, shirts, books, and cross-stitching. Does she play video games? Look for video game accessories or old classics she might have missed. Is she a dice-chucking gamer? More dice are always appreciated or maybe a miniature for her latest campaign. These things are probably less expensive yet will probably be more meaningful since it means that you have actually learned what she likes and doesn't like.
Another way to show you care is to do things for her. Recent studies say that women feel more romantic towards their partners when they do domestic stuff around the house, like laundry, cooking or washing dishes. This kinda makes sense since now women often work outside of the home and are generating their own income so money isn't necessarily as tight as things like time. With less time to do household chores, helping around the house allows her more time to do things she would really want to do, like sleep, or read, or play WoW.
Lastly, you can help keep the romance alive by planning fun things, they don't have to be expensive, just things for the both of you to do that you enjoy. Getting out of your daily routine will help that.
Basically it boils down to, think about your partner and what they might need right now, not a toaster but like emotional support ways and such.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The Honeymoon
I refer not to the ancient tradition of going off to the moon and enjoying honey (oh that's from a xanth book) but of the lovey dovey period right when you start seeing someone.
It's very normal when you meet someone to want to spend every waking moment together (assuming you like them). You'll text each other constantly, be giving each other PDAs which will make your friends nauseous but is actually very cute but still vomit inducing, and say things like, "I miss you," "No, I miss you more." This is also the time when you're discovering new things about each other and it's very natural for people to remember the commonalities (we both love Capt. Picard!) and gloss over important details like, (we don't actually speak the same language!) There is some debate (I'm completely making this statistic up) but this period generally lasts from 6 months to a year.
After the honeymoon period is over, you'll be less inclined to be googly eyes over each other but this is not necessarily a problem. If your relationship did not have the most solid ground then there may be difficulties as the hormones wear off and you actually experience the other person without the rose colored glasses. So what if you both love Monty Python...she leaves her dirty dishes everywhere! He farts constantly! If you don't have something beyond the initial flush of attraction, the relationship may crumble. That means it's important to have developed a foundation beyond "dude, you're hot..."
Next week, how to keep the romance alive. (oh geez, I'm like the world's least romantic person and I've going to give advice on this?! o_O)
It's very normal when you meet someone to want to spend every waking moment together (assuming you like them). You'll text each other constantly, be giving each other PDAs which will make your friends nauseous but is actually very cute but still vomit inducing, and say things like, "I miss you," "No, I miss you more." This is also the time when you're discovering new things about each other and it's very natural for people to remember the commonalities (we both love Capt. Picard!) and gloss over important details like, (we don't actually speak the same language!) There is some debate (I'm completely making this statistic up) but this period generally lasts from 6 months to a year.
After the honeymoon period is over, you'll be less inclined to be googly eyes over each other but this is not necessarily a problem. If your relationship did not have the most solid ground then there may be difficulties as the hormones wear off and you actually experience the other person without the rose colored glasses. So what if you both love Monty Python...she leaves her dirty dishes everywhere! He farts constantly! If you don't have something beyond the initial flush of attraction, the relationship may crumble. That means it's important to have developed a foundation beyond "dude, you're hot..."
Next week, how to keep the romance alive. (oh geez, I'm like the world's least romantic person and I've going to give advice on this?! o_O)
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