the nice guy

I've heard so many times about how guys complain that nice guys don't win. "Girls want bad boys". I don't think this is true. I think that girls who are worth it will want a nice guy. I think women who aren't mature and aren't really ready for a relationship might want bad boys, but do you want to be a relationship with that kind of drama?


This is an article about the disappearing nice guy and I think it's a real shame that I've literally heard some of my guy friends say that maybe they should become jerks so girls will like them more. B/c that's stupid, and second of all, nice guys are hard to come by. I think smart women will realise eventually that the bad boy is exciting but you can't convert them. They're going to be macho and cool but they might also be sexist and treat you like shit. Most tough guys don't have the souls of a poet...they're just meatheads. So nice guys out there, stick it out, a smart girl will find you.

Of course, relationships don't fall into your lap. Don't sit there and wait for someone to realise that you're awesome. Don't just wait for your female best friend to stop dating those jerks and realise that you're the best guy ever b/c unfortunately it's not like in the movies, and sometimes they don't... so do get out there and meet people and date. (There's a movie called Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! and yeah, that movie is sooo not realistic...plus I really don't like Kate Bosworth.)

Also, I think this the main trap for "nice guys". Guys confuse being nice with meek or like shy or even insecure. Women want nice guys but we also don't want a wallflower. One of the things that I always say is that you have to like yourself as a person and people will be more attracted to that confidence. Be nice but don't be a doormat. Having no opinions or letting the other person make all the decisions doesn't make you nice. Things like being considerate is what makes a person nice. Girls like considerate, girls don't want doormats (unless they literally like need a doormat for their door, in which case, they do.)

When you allow people to not take your opinions and feelings and time into account, you are giving them permission to treat you as less important. And you think it might make them like you more b/c they're getting what they want, but I think that really it just makes them respect you less and a successful relationship is based on respect too. If they don't respect you, it's not a real relationship. I dunno what it is, but it's not dating. It's like booty calls or whatever.

So girls, wise up and appreciate those nice guys out there and guys, grow a pair and show girls (not your pair but) that you're a great catch. And whatever you do, DO NOT BECOME JERKS. There are enough jerks out there, we don't need more.

Oh dude, if you think I'm harsh, this website like cuts to the bone. No wonder it's called Heartless Bitches International. but hey, it's not inaccurate!

Interparty Dating

I guess that sounds like a pretty risque title. Really it just means, when you dating within your gaming groups. This is something that does happen from time to time, especially if your group happens to be a mixed gender group. I think back 15 years ago, there were fewer female gamers and so it was probably less common but now as more (but still not a lot) of women are playing RPGs and CCGs and other kinds of gaming things, there will be of course more opportunities for dating within your gaming group.

I think before you start hitting on the new girl who just joined your group you should think of a couple things. Make sure she's single first. Nerd girls don't come along often so it's possible she's already in a relationship even if it's not someone in the group. Make sure she's interested in dating anybody, b/c again, she's probably had opportunity to date people...so maybe she's single by intent. Make sure she's interested in your gender. I mean, no point in barking up the other side of the tree.

If these sorts of criteria are met, then you should probably hash it out with other group members if anyone else has designs on her, b/c the worst thing is to have multiple nerdy guys hitting on a single girl. Really, it's scary to be the recipient of all that nerdy attention. It could be so horrifying that you basically drive her from the group.

Next think about how dating someone in your group might effect the game. Are your characters going to then date? If one of you is the GM, make sure you work on not playing favorites b/c yeah maybe your S.O. might appreciate it, but the rest of your players won't and they'll take it out on you one way or another. Have you ever been the victim of a dicing (think stoning but with dice?) it's not fun. Try not to dominate the game. Don't always side with your S.O. in the game b/c you're worried they'll get mad at you outside of the game.

If your characters are dating in game too (which I think is just weird frankly) don't get all graphic and like ROLE PLAY b/c yeah, no one wants to see/hear/experience recreations of two nerds getting it on. (Or maybe there's an entire untapped market...? hmm...)

And then what happens if you break up? Especially if it's a messy break up. Like with friends, does one of you have to quit the group? Probably whoever is the newer person... unless the newer member is like a way better player than the older member, in which case, keep the better gamer. :) But just like dating a coworker or dating a friend, there is likely to be some extra complications if things work out b/c you're still going to have to see each other in the group.

I generally recommend avoiding interparty dating b/c of the possible complications but then again, being able to share a great hobby like gaming with your S.O. is amazing. And then you don't have to deal with phone calls in the middle of the game asking how much longer you're going to be.

(I tried to include a picture of a gamer girl but google images came up with a bunch of like not so work safe pix... T_T )

settling (continued!)

I wrote about a month ago about article about setting and mentioned this book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
by Lori Gottlieb. I did in fact put it on hold and I read it last night.

It was a very interesting book and I think the title is much more off putting than the content of the book. I think we hear the word settling and think that it means we're getting a C quality item instead of an A+. Well I guess the author says that it's not about choosing the C, but being happy with a good solid B. B/c that B has better fitting traits in the long term. One of the headings in the book is called, "Confusing good daters with good husbands." The traits that make an exciting and super fun boyfriend are not necessarily what are make a good stable partnership...it's like your friends. Just b/c someone is really fun to hang out with, doesn't mean they'll be a good roommate.

A quote from the book was, "What matters is finding the perfect partner--not the perfect person. It's not about lowering your standards--it's about maturing and having reasonable expectations."

I when read that, I thought it seems very reasonable. No one is perfect. If you date someone and then dump them later b/c you think someone better might come along, but you're gambling. (wow it totally sounds like, you have to be in a relationship to be happy. I'm not saying that, but this is advice for people who do want long term relationships.)

Another quote from the book, "...I told her that about 15 percent of men are over six feet tall, and 80 percent of women want them. Most of that 80 percent won't compromise. Do the math! How can 80 percent of women get 15 percent of men?" I think that people often have things that they really really want in a partner but one of the dating "experts" in the book said, if you're having a hard time meeting decent people you have to really narrow down what is important to you, like the three most important traits. If being tall is one of them I guess that's ok but maybe then you won't have space for things like sense of humor or you know, being a nice human being.

I mentioned this before in my previous posts but Gottlieb words it so much nicer (she is a writer after all and I'm just a blogger), she says that it's important to base your criteria on subjective things and not objective things. Rachel Greenwald, a writer that was interviewed for the book says, "knock off anything as a deal-breaker that's "objective" (age, height, where he went to college, what kind of job he has, how much hair he has, whether he has kids or an ex-wife_ and focus on what's "subjective" (maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity, ability to commit)." I think making your criteria based on subjective things are what will ultimately create more stability in your relationship...so even though they may share all the same hobbies with you and be the cutest thing ever (ever!!!) if they have the emotional maturity of a hamster, it probably won't work out long term.

One of the other points Gottlieb mentions is how women are looking for a man who's manly and yet sensitive. She calls it a "nice guy with balls". A recent CNN article on the same topic talks about how men if they want women need to be less nice. I don't think men should be less nice, I think that nice guys need to be confident (b/c yes, nerd guys are awesome too) and I think more women will respond to that. The phrase needs to be changed to confident and nice. That should be achievable right?

One of my favorite quotes is "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." --Albert Einstein.
I love this quote b/c honestly people do do the same things over and over and thing it's going to end up differently somehow. They'll date the same type of exciting and slightly dangerous person and think that if they just try harder, it'll work out. Look at Penny on Big Bang Theory. She keeps going after meathead guys and they just keep breaking her heart. I realised that I would have to stop liking sarcastic jerks, b/c yeah they're really funny, but they're jerks. It's in the title. If what you're doing right now isn't working...then something is wrong, and you need to readjust your patterns, and who you are currently seeking out. B/c if it was working, you wouldn't be dating unsuccessfully.

Although probably not of use to most of the readers here, I just wanted to mention Gottlieb's experiences with speed dating. I haven't tried speed dating, I was tempted to try last summer but didn't get around to it and now it's too late. Anyhow, she was in the 40-50 age category and there were 10 women and 6 men and all of the men were like vastly older than 50, like they were 55 or older. The person running the event said all the of the guys in their 40s participant in the 30-40 category b/c they want younger women. I think this is just another example of how it sucks a lot more for women to age than it does for men. Just my little ranty rant now.

Anyhow, the main thing I got from this book was don't over analyze. Often women have a tendency to over discuss the minutiae of their dating lives with their girlfriends b/c sometimes girlfriends don't know shit about shat. I've heard about girls convincing their friend to date some other guy b/c they don't like how their boyfriend is too quiet or whatever. It's lame and honestly, unless you're unhappy, they should be supportive. Don't go around thinking that there is always a better guy out there. I also know guys who have been dumped b/c their significant other thought they could find better. Well this book says that if someone gets divorced and remarried, they aren't necessarily happier than in the first marriage...b/c they're people who are always going to regret something, and find something to be upset with. You should try to find someone who appreciates your good traits and doesn't just focus on your bad habits. Constantly being on the prowl for something better means you can never be happy with what's in front of us. It's like in Aesop's Fables with the bird who dropped his food in the river b/c he saw his reflection and wanted that food too. He ended up with nothing b/c he was greedy. Again, it's not having no standards but not wasting your whole life waiting for Christian Bale (pre-Terminator freak out) to find you.

Next week, a nerdier topic, How to deal with interpersonal relationships in your gaming group (ie, dating the GM!)

arguments

Disagreements, arguments, heated discussions, fights. Multiple ways to describe basically the same thing, you're pissed off about something and you want your partner to know it.

Fights within a relationship are not necessarily a sign that a relationship is bad or ultimately unworkable. Afterall, you are two separate people and you're bound to have differing ideas on something eventually. What determines if a fight is bad or not is how you handle yourself in a fight and how you resolve it (or don't).

I've read a couple of articles on this, so I'll try to recap what those said and just for fun mix in what I think is good too. Wahaha. You guys will never know...

So how to have an argument, first of all, don't pick fights. If you've had a bad day, don't come home and pick a fight, b/c yeah, that's not going to make you feel better knowing you've just pissed off your significant other. Plenty of people come to the library in a bad mood and are just dicks to us and it's really hard for us to not "pay that forward". Spread good moods, not your shitty ones but it sucks for the recipient.

Picking fights also tends to cause another problem in fights, not fighting about the topic that you're mad about. I think a lot of women do this, where they're mad but they won't tell you why they're mad or they say it's about not picking up your socks but it's really b/c your mother is coming over to say for like a month. Basically, people should tell a person why they're mad and explain why. Nothing can be resolved if you don't talk about the problem. My mom does this, she actually transplants her anger from my dad to us. This is not fair. We can't fix my dad. And if you don't talk about your problem how can you both work on making it better? Even if making it better is only talking about it and then having some chocolate pudding after b/c sometimes you just need to vent.

Which leads me to venting. Sometimes you just need a good venting/ranting session. Again the goal is not to be bad at your partner but they may be witness to your rage (*SHIRLEY SMASH!*) and hopefully your partner will be empathetic. If you sense this is a venting situation, sometimes it's better to just stay back and then the rage go on b/c it's not something you can necessarily fix. Adding comments like, "If you hate your job so much, then find another one," aren't necessarily helpful... That's trying to fix the problem, this situation just calls for things like, "Uh huh, yeah, your boss sounds like a real whackjob," allow some time, and then add when calming down, "Do you want to go get frozen yogurt?"

Another rule, don't argue about things that have no answer. "Who would win Dr. Doom or the Joker?" isn't really an argument with an end. It's all opinions and yeah, you could quote issue blah of blah and say, well Dr. Doom defeated this guy and then the Joker fought the same guy he lost (this is assuming there was some DC/Marvel comic crossover issues). First of all, in comics, if A>B and B>C that does not mean that A>C, second of all, there is not solution to this. Not that everything needs to solved but it's a philosophical debate. It's like arguing over why Sylar sucks...he just does. You can't change anything, quit arguing over it. The show is still going to suck. Don't pick fights either. One of my pet peeves is when the other person plays devil's advocate b/c yeah, YOU don't even support that topic. You can't probably debate someone if they don't believe the topic b/c you're not arguing with logic, just debating for the sake of debate.
Look, he just sucks!

Don't argue over things that can't be changed. Things like dumping all of their friends, or their family. Not realistic, especially if they have a decent relationship with them. If it's an unhealthy relationship that's different but if they get along with their family, and you just hate one of their siblings...that's not good. Work on trying to get along, you don't have to be best friends (no one asked you to be) but work on civility and this is a good opportunity to practice your social skills.

If you do get in a real argument, don't call names, and don't bring up old topics that aren't relevant but you are still bitter over. Don't bring up past boyfriends or girlfriends. I mean it's personal, but don't make it personal, does that make sense? If crazy emotions start getting tossed in there, then it just gets really messy. Maybe I just don't like messes.

It is said that guys want to solve problems when girls just want sympathy/empathy. I dunno about that, my first inclination is to try to solve problems, but this dichotomy can also be the source of problems. I think that whatever gender stereotype you fall under, know which one you tend to do and understand that there are benefits and downsides to each type. If you're a problem solver, try to be more empathic so you don't come across as a emotionless bastard robot. If you're an empathizer don't get bogged down too much in the emotions and be a bit more practical. (Hey, shut up out there, I'm trying to be more empathetic, it's really hard! I never said this crap was easy!)

And never escalate to actually physical fighting. It shouldn't ever get there and although words can hurt, a kick to the face hurts more.

The key is try to understand the other person, try to keep communication lines open, don't get personal, avoid arguments with no solution, and no kicks to the face or knees (belly is ok).

fake relationships

This recent article on CNN has spurred me onto writing about this topic, the fake relationship.

The fake relationship is a dangerous trap, especially for geek guys. How do you know you're in a fake relationship? Well it's basically when you have a friend of the opposite gender (usually unless you're not into the opposite gender but I don't have first hand knowledge of this, so I'm just speculating there) who you spend a lot of time with and you guys talk on the phone all the time and you might be best friends but you're not dating for sure. Or are you?

You might be in a fake relationship if:
*Your friend calls all the time and tells you everything that is going on.
*You hang out every single weekend together and alone.
*You furniture and/or grocery shop regularly.
*You're the first person they count on in an emergency.
AND
*You're not getting any (sex).

If you're getting a little somethin' something you are probably friends with benefits or just in massive denial but if you're not, and you're being used for emotional support and all the things that people like being in a relationship for but without the commitment, it's the fake girlfriend/boyfriend syndrome. This probably occurs b/c the other person has been hurt a lot in previous relationships and doesn't want to "ruin" friendships.

Why is this bad you ask? Maybe the guy wants to be used this way. There are several reasons why it's bad, even though on the surface it seems like it's a good idea.

1. It prevents either party from moving on in their life. If they are getting the emotional benefits of dating without other drama, it allows them to remain in this phase which doesn't require them to change or adapt or grow. Sometimes the past sucks and we don't want to revisit that kind of pain but sometimes you gotta jump back into the waters if you want something real.

2. One person might get more emotionally invested in the friendship. I think that generally the user has a pretty clear idea that they don't want to get into an actual dating relationship but the other person (the usee) doesn't necessary know that. They might hang around b/c they're waiting to see if the other person will suddenly want to start dating them and then it's like, "Hey i'm right here! You can date me! I've been supportive this whole time!" and that's not cool b/c they're just getting strung along.

3. Ok, I only have two reasons why it's bad, but they are pretty good (bad) reasons.

So what do if you find yourself in one of these. Well I think the simplest thing to do is just fade out. This is true for either the user or the usee. You can't have a break up b/c you weren't actually dating but just start doing stuff without that person. Don't call them for every little thing. Don't spend every Saturday at the swapmeet with him. You can still be friends but don't make them the fake relationship. They'll be maybe a little confused and a little hurt but I think it ultimately is better in the long run for everyone involved.

I guess HIMYM just did this topic like last week or whatever but I'm not stealing it! I don't watch tv on tv and this is something that I've been thinking about for a while. I'm trying to think of a geek analogy for this, b/c geek guys have been abused by women for forever in the vain hope that she'll wanna get with him someday.

Oh, I know, it's like in Big Bang Theory and the relationship Penny has with Leonard. She does hang out all the time and she calls him whenever she has breakups or other bad things and she has him do favors for her like get tvs, and hook up her sound system but in the beginning anyhow, he was just her friend and neighbor. I ask, where the hell are her other friends? Doesn't she have girl friends she can call and cry with when she breaks up with that cheating physicist? No, she goes over and finds Leonard b/c he's the fake boyfriend. And I haven't seen the current season but up until the end of the second season anyhow, it's all tangley and they're all confused so it's not a great idea. Don't do it to someone else, and don't let it happen to you or you'll also end up with no pants...but not in the good way.

We all want it, We all deserve it...

No, it's not sex, although I know we all want sex (i dunno about deserve though), but I'm talking about respect. I think respect ranks up there with like honest and open communication in the hierarchy of important things in a relationship or in the dating process.

I think first you have to respect yourself, you have to think you're worthy of respect before you can find someone who will respect you too. This is not a, "I'm so awesome" attitude but you have to think that you know, you are a good catch too. I think I've mentioned before the important of knowing who you are before you start dating, and I think this is part of that act of self improvement. So know that you're a good person (and work on it too b/c seriously, there are some deluded people out there!) then you can work on step two. Which is...

Finding a person who respect you. What does this mean? It's not someone who'll like bake you a pie on command or dust your chess trophies. Respect in dating is someone who doesn't belittle you or your hobbies or your friends or family. It's someone who respects your time and calls if they're going to be late instead of being a flakey ass bastard. It's a person who calls when they say they will instead of calling five days after Comic Con instead of the day after then making lame excuses. I strongly believe that if someone says they're too busy to date, don't chase after then, then let them go, b/c everyone is busy, but if they really wanted to date they could make time. It's not worth forcing someone to date you.

Part of this is knowing how much BS you'll take from another person. Apparently I have a really low BS threshold b/c if someone says they're going to call and don't, they start heading down the drain towards my shit list and they better have a really good excuse, not some crap like, "Oh work's been crazy." Too busy to text, "Dude, I'm dying from being too busy!"?? Lame. My brother said you gotta give someone three chances. Well I don't believe in three chances... b/c when you start dating someone, that is your chance to impress someone and if you keep failing in the beginning, how crap is it going to be when you're not trying to impress them anymore and you're all lazy and complacent? The entire point is to initially impress them and set the bar high and then never live up to those standards again! haha, doh.

What kind of future can exist in a relationship that is not equal, not based on a partnership? If one of the people thinks that they are more important and that their time is most important, it's going to be a emotional and financial suckage in the short and long term. It's like dumping your energy into black hole or like trying to torture homer with donuts, it's just a losing proposition.

Lastly, I have to mention domestic violence. I'm no expert (although in a high school poll I was voted most likely to beat my spouse) but if you're in a relationship where they hit you or call you names or anything like that, that's a bad relationship. Physical, emotional, or psychological abuse is never ok and never justified. There's a lot of help available. This just one website http://www.ndvh.org/ and you call me and I'll go over and kick that person in the crotch.

Culling the masses

No, I'm not referring to people...but sometimes I feel like that...instead I'm referring to numerous collections of all sorts that often nerds horde. Things like DVDs, CCGs (even hanging onto dead ones in case someone decides to bring back the Buffy CCG!), pogs, superhero action figures, boxes upon long boxes of comic books (some people keep them in file cabinets), video games etc. Honestly things you could collect are endless. I know b/c I have more collections than that's listed here!

Anyhow, this is related to dating in a couple of ways. If you are a compulsive collector it can effect your relationships or potential relations by creating money problems (esp if you're addicted to shopping), hording problems where you're whole living space is full of stuff and you've had to create paths to get around your house, or where you have devote all your time to your collections (or hobbies).

Money issues are a really bad thing, b/c women generally do want nice, smart, and funny guys, but we also would like guys who are financially stable. Rich isn't necessary, but we don't want to be supporting your ass b/c you spent your last $10 on a Batman figure.

Hording is I think the main problem nerds have with their collections. Most of us probably don't get to this point,

but getting even close to there isn't comfortable. First if you're a real hoarder, you should get help b/c it's going to need more help than what this nerd can provide since there's like OCD and other things associated with it. The Mayo clinic has a brief thingy on it which you can read here. But if you're just a geek who can't bear to part with comics they bought in the 90s b/c they were totally going to be worth something you gotta practice what we refer to in the library business as weeding. Weeding is the systematic act of getting rid of stuff that you don't need anymore. Books and other materials in the library get weeded for a variety of reasons, including condition, age, relevancy, usage etc. You can apply this to your stuff too, I use it for cleaning out my closet.

The easiest thing to do is make a box of stuff that you know you don't want but haven't bothered getting rid of yet. Now is the time to get rid of it. Recycling, donating to the goodwill or your local library is good, and seeing if people you know might want it are a good way to not generate extra trash if things are still in good condition. If you have collectibles that you aren't into anymore you might want to consider selling them but know that you probably won't get as much as you paid for it unless it's a real collectible, not like that first issue of Betty that you bought in the 90s b/c everyone was buying comics. (Not that I did that or anything...plus Betty is awesome...)

Second, go through and get rid of things that you've had for years and meant to get around to but never have. I had tons of books that I bought and I was like, I should read this Morgan Lewellyn book or I should watch House of Sand and Fog but you know what, I'm really not going to b/c I'd rather rewatch A Knight's Tale. Hobbies that sounded cool but you won't really do should also go. Be honest with yourself if you're really going to get to it in the near future, b/c really the only person you're hurting is yourself. If it's a book or dvd, you could donate it to your library and if they own it or if they decide to add it (they might not though!), if you really wanted to read/watch it later, just borrow it then. This is like the hardest category of things to get rid of b/c you keep thinking...I COULD READ IT! I COULD! But you know what, you haven't and it's been sitting on your shelf for ten years. That's ten years of opportunities where you chose to read the Princess Bride for the 20th time instead of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. So like suck it up and get rid of it, you'll feel better and honestly you'll never miss it. Unless you're obsessive in which case you probably wouldn't have been happy either way.

For broken things, either get rid of them or put them away and protect them from further damage. Torn clothes should probably go away...if it's like your first Metallica shirt and you wore it when James Hetfield hugged you then go and get it cleaned and professional stored safely where the moths and other buggies won't get it, but other clothes probably just need to be tossed. Esp if you have a hole in the crotch of your pants. No one wants to see that. Even though James Hetfield's sweat is on your tshirt you should still get it cleaned b/c if you just store it without washing it it can grow weird stuff and attract bugs.

But sometimes even getting rid of stuff you want to get rid of and getting rid of things you should get rid of isn't enough. This happened to me recently. I was weeding and weeding my books and even though I just got a brand new beautiful bookcase it wasn't big enough! There were a lot of tough choices but it's mostly at the point where I have my favorite authors (of which there are still quite a lot) left. But seriously if you ask me if I miss the dvds or books that I gave away, nope, not at all. In fact I don't really remember what they were! Of course that could be b/c my memory sucks but I think it's b/c I didn't really need it.

Of course all this boils down to the realization I had when our house was broken into. It's all just stuff. I mean I do love stuff and I love shopping but we don't really need it. The important things are like family and friends and while owning a super cool bust of Batman is awesome it is still just stuff. And my second realization is that the more stuff you the collect, the worse is it when you have to move and the more your friends will hate you too.

So don't let your obsession with collecting things ruin your life or your love life. B/c that Batman bust won't keep you warm at night.