Follow up to OkCupid's Lame-ness

Last week I posted about OkCupid and their new system of only matching you with people in your hotness zone, either you're hotter than average and will get matched with the same or you're below average etc. (What do average people do??)

I didn't have time to elaborate further so I'm using this week to talk about "attractiveness" and its ramifications in geek dating.

Nerds sometimes have interesting definitions of attractiveness. A lot of guys I know will like an actress more b/c she kicks a lot of butt on a tv show even though she might not be classically pretty (example Starbuck on BSG or Cameron on Sarah Conner Chronicles). I've also heard a lot of geeks who like "cute". Not to say geeks don't like normal "hot" celebrities like Megan Fox (ugh, bleh!) or anything but I'm just saying, people who aren't teenage boys can also find other qualities that make someone attractive. Those cannot be rated by a photo.

Ok, enough ranting about how geeks are weird. :) Ok, actual info that could be useful to someone out there somewhere.

Now we know that attractive is subjective and that people will find different things attractive. A person can be considered more attractive b/c of their awesome personality, style, confidence, or sense of humor. These other things attract their brain and not just organs down below.

Also, don't get too hung up on someone else's looks. You probably shouldn't be repulsed by someone you're trying to date but being all weirded out b/c they've got crooked teeth or kinda bad skin is pretty shallow and honestly, no one is perfect, all have flaws, either internal, external, or mental. And remember, beauty fades but bitchiness lasts forever.

Here's a couple of ideas on how to improve your "attractiveness":

• Improved grooming - yes this is a physical thing but really no one likes stinky.
  
• Find a style that works for you - you don't have to look like an abercrombie and finch model or anything but find a style that suits your personality and bodyshape and rock it. If you have no idea how to dress, find a friend who dresses like how you'd like to look and have them help you shop.
  
• Confidence - confidence goes a long way in making someone attractive. This is a hard one for us geeks but it's important to remember that you're a cool person too and they should appreciate you. Do some daily affirmations or something if you need it. :)
  
• Work on social skills - a geek with social skills is a find indeed. Be one of those finds--practice your social skills!
  

And then f*ck OkCupid and their click based attractiveness rating. If we wanted to be judged, we'd be trying to join the elitist Beautiful People dating website. Be yourself, be confident, and be happy b/c that's real attractiveness.

hotties only date hotties?

Well this means doom for us nerds then. :P
But this post is regarding a new development on OkCupid, a free online dating website. Apparently as of this summer some people were lucky enough to receive an email telling you that according to the number of click throughs that you were in the top 50% of attractive people on OkCupid. As part of this elite group you were going to get matched with only other people in the top 50% of people.
Frankly, I'm rather insulted by this.
First I didn't get that email(!) and second b/c I think it's shallow to get matched by attractiveness. Yeah, we know that anecdotally usually people date within their own attractiveness levels but what about all those rich tech nerds who end up with model trophy wives? How will they meet now?
Article here at the Huffington Post.
I guess they'll have to contact the Millionaire Matchmaker...although she doesn't seem to be able to follow her own rules...
Anyhow, I'll try to do a follow up post on this topic at some point in the future.

Welcome to Dumpsville--population, you (part 2)

Ok, here's the second part regarding the act of dumpage. Last week's post described being on the receving end, this week's will about being the dumper and how to do in the least douchey way possible...or you can totally do the opposite and go balls out douchetastic!

First and foremost, breaking up with someone should never be done on a whim. As I've said in earlier posts, it's hard to find good partners, and of course no one is perfect, so don't start thinking of breaking up b/c he leaves his socks on the floor, but do for serious infractions like they're abusive in anyway, long time goals don't align with yours (example, he wants kids and you don't), or serious things like they cheated on you. Some things are important, some things are less important and they'll be slightly different for each person but breaking up should never be taken lightly. Think about it a lot.

Now what if they're only mostly crappy but not downright awful? Well that's when the decision-making becomes more tricky. You have to weigh the good and the bad of the relationship. If everytime you see each other you have the world's worst arguments...then maybe that's a lot of bad. If you only fight sometimes and you know what triggers it, maybe that's something that can be worked out. But a caveat here, don't stay for the sex or b/c you're lonely or b/c you need someone to take to the wedding next month. You stay in a relationship b/c it makes you happy and it's healthy, not to keep up appearances for your friends or for your libido.

I am mixed about asking your friends if you should break up with the person or not. Friends can be really weird about stuff like this. If you have a friend who is known for being very truthful you could ask them but don't ask a friend who always just tells you want you want to hear, b/c that isn't helping anybody. But if you do talk about it and 20 of your friends say nay and one says yay, you gotta wonder about the one outlier.

So by now you've totally thought about the entire process. You've used your giant nerd analysation powers and make lists and charts and graphs and you're going to do it. Now how do you do it gracefully?

Avoid the temptation to do it electronically. I know we love our tech but texting someone or changing your facebook status is a lame way to tell someone you're breaking up. If you were in any way serious, you need to do it in person. And maybe if you're super chicken you can do it over the phone but text is just really cowardly.

Make a list of reasons why you're doing it. Maybe they'll want justification (although you don't necessarily need to tell them why) or maybe you'll need strength in reminding yourself why it needs to be done, but a list is a good way of making helping you make decisions. Do a pro/con list.

Try not to get in a fight over a breakup. In the first episode of the British TV show Coupling, the main guy Steve tries to break up with his girlfriend Jane, b/c frankly, she's nuts.

Just b/c I love the show, here's the scene:

"Steve: ... But this time, Jane, I'm gonna put it very, very simply: It's over between us.
Jane: You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do.
Jane: I don't accept.
Steve: What?
Jane: I don't accept it.
Steve: No no, you can't not accept it! I'm breaking up with you."

The moral of that scene is, really they can't take no for an answer. Dating is a mutually decided upon act, if one doesn't agree, it's not dating--that's why internet stalking is not considered dating. Also keep it civil, no name calling even if they totally sucked b/c you know why, we're keeping it classy San Diego.

No break up sex. B/c that's just messy for everyone involved and I just don't want those kind of mental images.

Choose your time and location wisely. So don't break up with them in their favorite restaurant or on their birthday or if they're mom just died. B/c especially if they don't know it's coming, they're going to have a lot of extra bad connotations associated with you and the breakup and that memory. Give them a couple of days if it's a bad time but if you keep putting it off b/c it's always a bad time, you're going to have to bite the bullet and do it regardless of timing. B/c you can't stay with someone b/c they're constantly having a disaster.

Don't be a jerk to force them to break up with you. I think I talked about that earlier--b/c that's a really shitty thing to do (you hear me second ex-bf?) Be a man, even if you're not a man, be a man and own up to it. If you're unhappy, don't ignore them or start treating them badly b/c you don't have the balls to do the breaking up yourself, b/c yeah, you're not sparing anyone's feelings.

I dunno if I like the whole, "it's not you it's me speech." B/c honestly, sometimes it really is just them. And since I'm a fan of honesty, maybe they should know why they suck, but that could be construed as petty. I put this as up to you, b/c it depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you had and if you can tell someone they were soooo smelly but like in a nice way.

Don't try to be friends afterwards. Certainly not right away. B/c you're going to end up all confused again and try to get back together and that's just bad. You need time apart. If you had mutual friends you can keep them as long as you both respect boundaries and don't bombard them with rants or depressed stories about your ex. It's not cool. Find other friends for that purpose but don't put them in the middle and force them to choose.

So to recap if you want to be a jerk:
1) break up with on a whim
2) stay with someone for the wrong reasons
3) let me know they've been dumped via facebook or text message.
4) tell them on their birthday
5) read them a list of all the transgressions they've done.
6) have some angry break up sex.
7) call them the next day to hang out.
8) bitch to all your joint friends about how crappy they were.
9) or just ignore them.

Welcome to Dumpsville--population, you.

This is the first of a two part segment on the dumping, breaking up, splitsville, taking a hike, and "it's not you, it's me".

First part, dealing with dumpage.

Being on the receiving end of a breakup sucks. That's why so many movies and books and songs are made about breakups. Actually all breaking up sucks but here's why being on the receiving end specifically sucks.

You might not have known it was coming. Sure the relationship was crap and you were fighting all the time, but you were in love right? RIGHT?!? Unfortunately you were given the old heave ho and now you're just blowing in the wind. When you don't know it's coming, you won't have an exit strategy, it's like getting kicked in the groin, it's going to hurt either way, but at least you can prepare if you see the foot coming.

You probably won't have closure. Especially if the relationship ends abruptly, you might not know what when wrong. For nerds this could be a particular problem b/c we aren't great at reading the signs of trouble in a relationship. If you were dumped via email or text or chat, you're probably also going to get less closure. If the break up occurs in person, there may be some kind of explanation but when they do it via electronics, it's probably b/c they don't want to talk to you and explain that, "no, they really don't like monty python."

Ok, I'm sure there are more reasons why being dumped sucks but you get the idea.
Now how to deal with it.

Cry it out. Or mope or eat cookies and ice cream. Watch cheesy movies. Hang out with your best friends and make them listen to your depression. Then move on. You can't spend the rest of your life moping over this person. Even if they were the most perfect, bestest, person in the whole wide world...move on. You know why? B/c they did. Go and do the things you couldn't do when you were dating, go and play WoW everyday after work in your underwear, stay out all night with your friends and not have to check in, fart in bed. (Man, I'm starting to miss single life after all this talk! j/k honey!)

Don't internet stalk them or stalk them in general. I know there is a temptation to stalk your ex. Don't do this. If you know any of their passwords, don't use them. Don't log into their facebook and read their messages. Whatever you read isn't going to make you get back together or make you feel any better. So just don't do it. Take the high road here. A corrolary here, if you have any of your ex's friends or family's number or know where they live, don't bug them about it. Ultimately, it's your ex's decision and bugging them isn't going to get him/her to change their mind.

Don't try to wheedle you way back into a relationship with the person. They broke up with you for a reason. Maybe you think it's a stupid reason, and it may legitimately be a stupid reason but still, it's done. Pleading isn't going to win you any brownie points, keep your dignity. And if they're just doing this for a game or to prove a point, do you want to be with someone who does this kind of thing?

You should also return personal items that they have left with you. If you were living together, don't throw all their stuff on the street. While they might have been a douche, being a douche back isn't going to make things easier. Put all their stuff into a box and have them pick it up/drop it off if you're both ok with that, otherwise get a good friend make the delivery for you. Things that were gifts you can keep if you want to. If it's too painful right now, but valuable, put it away and maybe later you'll be ok with it. I would avoid doing things like cutting them out of all your pictures...b/c even if things were rough, they were a part of your life, and if you ignore things, you won't learn from them. Hang onto those pictures but put them away. Maybe in the future you can laugh about it. The danger of hanging onto things is like in How I Met Your Mother. A lot of the stuff around Ted's apartment were from exes, and he hung onto them like a shield. You shouldn't do that. If you got a plushie as a birthday gift, if you like it, keep it, but if you only keep it b/c it's from them, you can't keep that item around.

Like I've said before, use this as an opportunity to learn. Evaluate, and adapt. Also, figure out who you are as a single person, especially if you've been together for a while.

Don't jump into another relationship right away. I don't think there is a magic formula for when you should date again. It's not a set amount of time, it's where you are emotionally. If you're still butt hurt over the break up, you're not ready. If you've figured out who you are and you're happy being a single person again, then buy all means start dating again. But people who continually jump from relationship to relationship are just seeking chaos.

Ok, I guess that's my main thoughts on being on the dumping side. I've seen a lot of it happen to people I know, b/c unfortunately (fortunately?) most of my experience is from the dumper side, which is what I'll focus on next week. I'll share you with my tips on how to be not a jerk when breaking up with someone...of course I think I failed most of the time, but hey, you learn from your mistakes right?

Moving Beyond Your Past

We all make mistakes. In fact I think I've made more mistakes than right choices sometimes. However, there is one thing I do right and that is, I try not to make the same mistakes twice. Key word here, TRY.

So here's a classic scenario which isn't even limited to nerds, it strikes all types of people. Person goes out with someone, they turn out to be nutso and a half. After one billion years, they break up (doesn't really matter who did the dumping in this scenario). Then after an undisclosed amount of time, the person starts dating another person...and this person is a wackjob just like the crazy ex!

What happened here? The person did not learn from their mistakes. After a break up, it's important to evaluate the relationship and the ups and downs honestly. And after you figure out what you liked and didn't like, try to find someone who has qualities you like and doesn't have the ones that drive you nuts. This should be a pretty reasonable simple thing, but dude, sooooo many people keep dating the same kind of crazy person (girl) over and over and over.

I at least learned that I was attracted to sarcastic jerks...and that while I thought they were hilarious, it wasn't good for a stable healthy relationship. So I made sure to not date jerks. It's that easy! Although sometimes it takes a while to realise someone is bad, once you do, don't keep tossing your energy, time, money, youth at them, go find someone else!

A couple other things to remember; dating an ex is possibly worse than continuing to date the same type of crazy person...b/c you're dating exactly the same crazy person you were before. What did you think would happen the second time? Unless they miraculously completely changed, I think going back is bad idea. Why did you break up in the first place? If it wasn't something like, we were young and her family moved, but something like she cheated on me, then you have to think about whether the past is going to predict the future. I think a lot of of people get back with exes b/c they're lonely and when they think about their ex, they're just remembering the happy times they had...well yeah, except there were a ton of craptacular times too, so pull off the rosecolored glass/beer goggles. It's not going to be a less bumpy ride this time.

Celebrity examples of getting back with an ex, Elizabeth Taylor who married the same guy twice and divorced him twice. Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, Amy Winehouse (dude, she's a trainwreck), Eminem, the list goes on. What does this list tell us, that people who get back with their exes are nuts. I mean people are nuts for other reason but this is a good one. None of these celebrities are known for their healthy (or sober) behavior.

Also, learn from others. Look at your friends and see how their relationships are...or if they're single, maybe think about why they're single. Probably don't tell them why you think they're single b/c they'll think you're a douchebag but if you don't care like me, tell them anyways. :P You don't personally have to make every mistake. If you friend dates a jerk who calls her names, don't chat up the guy in your office who calls other people names, (b/c he can be a jerk other people names, he's capable of being a jerk to you). You don't have to date a jerk to know one.

There is a quote, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results each time. That's crazy. A bird pecks at a button, and each time food comes out, but then to suddenly expect water to come out the next time would be nuts. Things don't work that way. If you keep dating crazy party girls, expect them to be crazy and party. If you date a homebody, they're going to want to stay at home. You date emotionally unstable people, your relationship is going to be unstable. You keep cheating on your partners, you're going to get dumped repeatedly...or punched in the crotch.

Have I repeated myself enough times by now??? Quit making the same stupid mistakes over and over. Fin.

Does age matter?

How young is too young? How old is too old?

Let me say right off that unless you’re 18 or younger, girls or boys under 18 are not allowable. Even in Scott Pilgrim, when he dates a high schooler and they didn’t even do anything, it was still wrong in so many ways, so avoid high schoolers and younger…and if you’re not sure how old someone is ask, and possibly check IDs b/c I don’t think, “she looked over 18!” is a valid legal defense.

But assuming she’s over 18, how young is too young? I’ve heard from a lot of guys that dating an 18 year old is always ok. I’ve heard of the “divide your age in half and add seven” rule. Here’s some examples of that for the mathematically challenged. If you’re 18, 18 divided by 2 is 9 plus 7 is 16. So that’s like a senior dating a sophomore…kinda wrong but not horrible. If you’re 30, 30 divided by 2 plus 7 is 22, which seems ok ish too. It starts breaking down when the guy gets really old. If the guy is 60, 60 divided by 2 is 30, plus 7 is 37? How many 37 year olds want to date guys in their 60s? I’ll discuss that problem later…but overall, I guess the half plus 7 rule works decently as a general guideline.

Things that modify the rules:

If you or the other person has kids, realize that if they’re a decent parent, they’re going to be on a different wave length than you maturity/responsibility wise. You can be super responsible for a single dude, but it’s nothing like having to wake up in the middle of the night to a puking kid and having to deal with that.

If you have similar interests that can help bridge large age differences. So they’re old Trek and you’re new Trek, your shared love of phasers and teleportation and pointy ears can give you common ground and things to talk about and debate over. New Spock vs. Old Spock!

Have they started their career yet? Be aware of someone that’s still in school when you start dating b/c people change a lot in college and just after. It’s a huge transition period and a lot of couples I know that dated in high school or in college broke up soon after graduation. I’m not saying all will, I’m just saying that you will want to take that into consideration if you’re looking for a long term relationship. Also b/c who knows where their future career will take them. And long distance relationships are the pits.

Do you/will they want kids? Kids are a huge deal to many people and are often dealbreakers. If you’re 35 and you’re dating a 20 year old (out of the range!) are they going to want to have children right away? Do you? If they don’t want to have kids til after they’ve established their career which could be like 5 years, do you want to be a first time parent at 40? I dunno, it’s your decision but don’t take choices like that lightly. Now also lets look at the opposite, when the lady is getting older. If you’re dead set on having biological children and your lady is over 40, you might have to get realistic, b/c it becomes much more difficult to have children and there are increased health risks as women age. I know movie stars do it all the time, but who knows what the processes they went through to get there and they’re like crazy healthy people who drink nothing but green power smoothies all the time and jog endlessly, and generally geeks are like couch potatoes who drink a lot of mountain dew. We’re not at quite the same level. A 40 year old celebrity (if they don’t load up on the drugs) is like a 25 year old nerd healthwise.

How old do you act? Some people are old souls and some are young souls. My mom is old enough to have retired but she has more energy than a lot of 20 year olds I know. I know people in high school who are already world wary. Someone who’s very mature could date someone who’s more of a young spirit even if there was a big age gap.

But lets get realistic. We’re geeks. We aren’t going to be 70 and still get to date blonde twins like Hugh Hefner. Maybe as we age, we need to be realistic about our expectations. No body ever wants to think that they’re old but certainly other people start thinking of us in that way. So if you’re 45, and you still want children, does a 30 year old want to date you? Yeah you might be financially stable but if you were conceive that child instantly, you’re still going to be eligible to withdraw social security (assuming it’s still around by then) by the time your first child is heading to college. Does your spouse want potentially to be a widow for 20 years? (assuming there’s a 15 year age cap and the average life expectancy in the US is 75 for men and 80 for women)

Another thing to consider is if one of you starts acting like a parent to the other person. You need a partner, not a parent. This seems like common sense to me. Do I need to elaborate?

Ultimately, I’m not saying, you have to date people your own age, or even people around your own age. What I’m saying is think about what you really need to be happy and if that’s realistic. Could you be happy adopting or having no children? Waiting several years to get married? Dating someone with children, even adult children? Unfortunately not everything turns out the way we plan, but the key is to decide on some core needs and don’t worry about the rest so much.

(Oh, why am I thinking about age?? b/c I just had a birthday and I've officially become an old lady! hahaha! T_T)

Ugh, hoarding

Do you know why there was no blog post this past week? B/c I've been moving and cleaning and other horrible things. And when you're an obsessive collector and a librarian you have boxes and boxes of books and toys and other stuff to pack, move, then unpack.

Learn from my folly. Don't hoard, unless you plan on never moving again.