Effective Communication (aka, don't be a spaz)

Another trademark of geekism is the general lack of ability to interact with people and especially people you might be attracted to--unless they're online and then for some reason geeks can talk. Weird. Anyhow, so here's some tips on more effective male to female communication.

Treat women like people. Sometimes guy geeks have no problems talking to their buddies and then when a girl walks in the room, it's like silence...girls are people too. It's ok to talk around them, it's ok to talk to them.

Don't be a spaz when you talk to them. This is easier said that done, as spazziness has probably effected us all, especially if the other person is cute. Just try not to get to excited or jittery and that should help with the shakes. Probably some practice might be nice, so if see if you have any friends that know girls that you can practice with. Hopefully ones that you aren't interested in and are relatively normal.

To avoid the "Friend Zone" (see previous post regarding the dangers) don't treat them like one of the guys. Don't fart, burp, scratch your ass, or say really crude and sexist things around them. I'm not saying that girls are made of glass and need to be protected, I'm just saying that if you treat them like one of the guys, they aren't going to necessarily see you as future dating material.

Expanding on the friend zone idea, also don't be a jerk in general.


Don't be sleazy when you talking to women. Think of Howard from Big Bang Theory, normal women don't like him b/c he's slimey. We don't want slimey men. I

When you're talking to women, it's not dumbing it down, it's that you should talk about things they know. So if they know video games talk video games, if they're a Star Wars fan talk Boba Fett but if they start getting a glazed look in the eye from your treatise on how the replicants are a huge analogy for slavery (DUH!) then move on! But if she don't know about the topic but seems genuinely interested then go ahead and tell her about it, b/c maybe you'll convert her! :)

Here's an important point, just b/c you talk to a girl semi-regularly, or even regularly does not mean you are dating. It does not mean that she likes you in a potential boyfriend way. She might like you, but talking does not equal liking.

So here's to using more effective communication techniques in the future! Huzzah!

The Friend Zone

Related to the "I'm going to pretend to be your friend but I really want to date you thing" is the Friend Zone. A lot of geek guys get shut out b/c they are automatically placed into the friend zone, which is the piece of the brain where the girl can only ever think of you as a friend or worse, as family.

So while it's bad for guys to pretend to be friends b/c it's deceitful, it's bad for guys to do it b/c that girl has probably already decided that she doesn't think of you in that way and to date you would just be "wrong".

How do you know you're in the friend zone?
*She tells you about the other guys she's interested in and/or dating.
*She says she loves you or cares about you like a brother.
*She tries to set you up with other girls she knows.
*She invites you to hang out with all of her other girlfriends.
Is this you? Then you're stuck in the friend zone.

There isn't a great way to escape from it. Jumping from friend zone to boyfriend territory is a dangerous proposition b/c oftentimes the girl will get freaked out and will just start avoiding you in general. It's just really awkward.

I think the best technique is to just not get boxed in as a friend. I mean be friendly but don't become "one of the girls" b/c that's probably not going to lead to dating.

If you're in the friend zone and want to escape without falling into the pit of doom...huh, I don't have good advice for this. I think date other people if you can, don't wait around for them to fall in love with you b/c they might realise that you're awesome but they also might never realise it. And you don't want to waste your time for something that might never happen. Be the supportive, cool friend you are, but don't do girly things with them like make up shopping b/c that reaffirms the friend zone, non-sexual thing. But maybe make the best of it and just have an awesome friendship. The super authoritative wikipedia cites a statistic from Cosmo that says 71% of women want to fall in love with a friend... but you know, I think they're thinking of an idealized friend like in My Best Friends Wedding or like a Ross/Rachel situation. I wouldn't count on it.

For more information, look up ladder theory.

Let's Be Friends, But Really I Want to Get In Your Pants

Geek guys don't meet girls the same way most guys meet girls... we don't have the ability to be suave and just walk up to girls and ask them out. We tend to be too shy, too socially awkward to do that. But we are good at being friends. Or at least pretending to be friends b/c you really want to date them.

We've all seen it before, there's a new person at work/school/in your club and she's single, nice, and breathing, therefore you're interested in her. You send her some I Can Has Cheezeburger pictures, and go to lunch a couple of times. You hang out occasionally, perhaps in a group or just alone, but only as buddies. But you're lying to her, b/c you don't want to be buddies, you want to date her. What then happens is the worst thing ever b/c for whatever reason, she can't/won't date you. And then you drop her like someone just put a big piece of poop in your hands. Obviously, she's probably going to be pretty upset b/c she realises that you never wanted to be her friend, just trying to pull a fast one on her.

Now if she hasn't been pulling a "fake boyfriend" on you, what you've done just now, is you done her wrong. You acted like her friend, and b/c she's not sexually interested in you, you move onto the next target. She thought you guys were friends, she treated you like a real friend. Friends don't do that to each other. It's dishonest and douchey. She likes you as a person and by now ignoring her, you make it clear that you weren't interested in her as a person or a friend, only as a goal.

Now before a bunch of guys start rioting and saying I'm not being fair, let's take dating out of the equation and use another version of this story.
There's a new guy at work, he's cool, funny guy and he's got a really cool car. You make friends with him b/c you want to borrow his car later. You guys hang out, watch movies together, have some beers together but only b/c you want him to think you're cool so you can borrow his car. Later you ask him if he can borrow you car, he says no. You stop hanging out with him. In what ways have you not been douchetastic? What you're doing here is being nice to someone under false pretenses. You have no intention of being their friend. You want something from them. This is wrong. We've all learning in kindergarten that lying is bad, and straight up, this is lying.

If you want to get to know someone better, that's cool, do that. Hang out with them. And if you ask them out and they say no, you don't have to be their best friend, but don't ignore them, don't act like you don't know that person. B/c your goal should be to get to know people, and if they get to know you and like you back in a bf/gf kind of way, awesome. But sometimes they'll just like you as a friend and that should be ok too. Be their friend, don't be the douche.

And not like the guy I'm writing this response to will ever read this but dude, doing this (what I've been writing about) and then immediately moving onto the next single girl at work is really in poor form. Plus they're going to talk to each other and you're going to totally build a reputation for being a jerk.

Wow, I'm like super mad about this topic...I guess b/c I have a ton of guy friends and if this happened to me I'd be soooo hurt. Ok, I just talked to some friends about this situation and they said it's pretty ass behavior. My friend added that guys who do stuff like this tend to say, "What have I been doing wrong? I'm always so nice to these girls and they don't like me." Well technically you're not being nice, you're only pretending to be nice and there's a big difference between being nice and pretending.

Time Management

When you're just starting a relationship, you're all excited, and you generally want to spend every waking moment with that person. Your friends hate how cute and clingy you are. This is normal. It's a typical honeymoon phase but eventually reality sets in and you start wondering if all that clinginess is normal.

Well it depends on the couple. Some couples just do everything together, they go grocery shopping together, they visit friends as a couple, they give each other welcome back hugs when they come back from the restroom. These are cute annoying people and as long as both of them are fine with this, then there is nothing wrong as long as you don't drive your friends nuts. A classic tv example of this type of couple is Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. They want to know everything that the other person did, and they want to do everything together. This arrangement works for them. It would not work for me...I dunno if I'd want to spend24/7 with anybody, except maybe for my dog. :P

But problems can occur when one person wants to cling and the other wants alone time or like a "boy's/girl's night out". At no time is this more annoying when you're playing D&D and the other person keeps calling during the game. They know where you are and what you're doing, but they didn't want to come to the game, but instead want to call every hour or so. I think this is an excellent example of why boundaries need to be established in a relationship. Boundaries are important. (My one boundary with my parents, don't bother me in the bathroom. See, important!) If it is known that a set amount of time is going to be dedicated to an event, I think it's fair to not have to check in constantly during that time. If time runs over and you're massively late, then definitely call and let the other person know but this should be a time for both of you to enjoy your away time. Also having to check in constantly (esp if the other person isn't like home sick or anything) will just result in your friends making a lot whip cracking noises...b/c yeah, why are they calling so much? If they really want to check up on you, they should just go with you to the game and like read a book.

So what to do about this? Make sure that you don't do everything together. As much as you guys like each other, you're also two individuals. Especially if you work and live together, make sure that you still find time apart just so you remember what it's like to be on your own. Establish some things that you can do apart and both have fun. Say if one of you watched football, then the other person can establish a video game day on Sundays. Don't necessarily do chores b/c if one of you is having fun and other is working, I think that can lead to a lot of resentment. And resentment leads to arguing and arguing leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. (Yoda is so wise his sayings have a much broader application than just jedis!)

Note: scheduled time apart is not the same as like breaking up each weekend so you're free to play the field...and second of all if you had that much game as a geek, you're not really a geek, plus you're a pretty giant douche.

The key to harmoniously being together or not being together is to understand what the other person's needs are and work out a plan that is far to everyone. So what's the word again?? Communication. :)

Contingency Plans

I was going to call this the backup plan but that was a movie just recently and I think it wasn't very good, sooo, I had to rename it, plus it reminds me of Batman b/c he always has contingency plans. :)

So I'm making up for laziness from last week, hopefully this week's post will be more interesting.

Ok, there are a couple of ways to think about contingency plans. One is like in the movie the Backup Plan or like in My Best Friend's Wedding. Both of these ideas assume that you'll be single and alone forever unless you take drastic measures so in the first version, you adopt or conceive as a single person and build your family by birthing it and in the second version you make deals with a good generally opposite gendered friend to have a loveless marriage if you haven't married by a certain age. I think in My Best Friend's Wedding, they were 30 which now to me sounds like a ridiculously young age to "give up". But hey, you won't be alone anymore right?

I used to think these were perfectly reasonable plans, but now I think that it's for people who have really given up and probably didn't that hard in the first place...or maybe for people who are too picky and had great opportunities but squandered them. Anyhow, I'm not sure I approve of that method b/c again, the My Best Friend's Wedding scenario is like the non-boyfriend boyfriend situation in which case someone is probably going get hurt (like in the movie).

So now we get to what I am thinking of when I think contingency plans, which is specific to online dating. It may also explain why it seems you might be getting mixed signals from someone. So it's this, when you're online dating, you may be getting contacted by several individuals. Since we all have a limited amount of time, I think the most efficient thing to do it line them up. Pick who you think is the most likely to be compatible and start communicating with that person. When you get to the dating stage, if you've got people in your queue, now is the time to start slowing down the messages. Instead of responding everyday, start padding a couple of days in between responses. I think this is better than getting to the stage where you're supposed to be dating like 4 guys at once b/c that just sounds like too much work to me. If it doesn't seem like it's going to work out with the first person, move on to the next person that you've lined up.

This seems like an efficient way of dealing with multiple dating opportunities.
Why do it this way? B/c I think from the geeky guy standpoint, they are more likely to be competing with multiple other guys for the same girl. So although lining up guys seems cruel, you are helping them b/c you aren't completely ignoring them and you aren't leading them on by dating three or four guys at once. B/c say you date a guy and that guy really likes you but you're dating another guy also that you totally more. So that first nerd is going to feel hurt b/c he's going to ask you to go on more dates but you are trying to date the second guy more... yeah it's just messy and not a great idea.

Naysayers might say, well what if the next guy is better than the guy I'm dating now? Well there is a flaw to that line of logic...if you're happy now, how do you know the other guy is going to make you more happy? It could be better but could be and is probably more likely to be worse. I think a lot of girls have this problem, they're never satisfied...don't be that girl, b/c if you have a good thing, why spoil it. Now if your relationship actually sucks, then go ahead and move on, but if you're happy but it's not perfect, you need to understand that no relationship is perfect and happy is a good goal.

So yes, line em up. Actually that's the advice they give when sparring multiple people in martial arts, b/c it's easier to deal with one person at a time than two at once.

(hey sorry about the half post!!)

What not to do on a first date

I don’t even remember if I did this topic already but it bears (bares?) repeating--what not to do on a date or only do these if you don’t want to ever date this girl again.

1. Be late. Being late shows disrespect and unless you have a good excuse like your car broke down or there was unexpected traffic on the freeway, you should meet on time. However, excuses like, there was traffic coming from LA, that’s lame. There’s always traffic coming from LA, and you should account for that in your traveling times.

2. Wear crap ass clothes. While we don’t expect Mr. GQ to appear on these dates, I think guys should put in an effort to wear clothes that fit properly, aren’t dying (so no sweatshirts with fraying collars or holes anywhere), are clean, and relatively wrinkle free. To assist in wrinkle free-ness I suggest no linen pants…of course if you’re a guy who wears linen pants, you have bigger problems. By extension, being stinky, dirty, or unkempt. Don’t ask a guy friend to see if you’re ok, get a woman to check the odor level. Women have better senses of smell so they’re a better judge if you’re wearing too much cologne or if you need to shower yet again. And remember, cologne was only a substitute for bathing in the medieval period, it doesn’t count anymore.

3. Be overeager. Nothing wrong with being excited or a little nervous about a first date, as they can be the beginning of a great relationship, but being so overeager to the point where you creep the other person out, that’s bad. Again, the stink of desperation wafts far and wide.

4. Talk about religion and politics. Or really this can be any topic that maybe you’re a little too passionate about. If you’re both nerds and one of you is a Marvel fan and the other is a DC fan, I dunno if you should be getting into arguments over who’s more awesome Batman or the Hulk (although obviously it’s Batman) b/c there have been many successful intercomic relationships. You can love someone and they can still be wrong about their choice of reading materials. :)

5. Get shit-faced and by that I mean get drunk off your ass. No one is that awesome of a drunk where it should be the first impression that you make on someone. And you’re going to lose a lot of points if you vomit on her shoes.

6. Acting like a boor. Not a boar, or a bore (although those two are also bad) but a boor. Which basically means a dude with no manners, like burping rudely, talking about inappropriate things like her butt or boobs even if it’s a compliment, talking about someone else’s butt or boobs, scratching your crotch or butt or your armpit, talking about your medical history (we don’t need to know about the rash you have on your back right now but it might be medically relevant later), or basically anything your mom would have smacked you for talking about at the dinner table. The types of conversations you can have with a group of D&D buddies is really different than when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Also, maybe you don’t have to lay your jacket on puddles for her, but hold the door open if you get there first (I believe that whoever gets there first holds open the door, but I could be wrong here) and basically don’t be a jerk.

7. Being a bore. If you wax eloquent on the differences between the different types of Star Trek and and she is yawning like a mofo and has a glazed look in the eye, you should probably not continue your discussion of Picard vs Kirk (Picard all the way!). Either she’s really bored and that’s bad or she’s having a minor stroke and that’s also bad. Yes, I believe that too long of a debate on Trek can cause strokes.

8. Being rude to the waitstaff. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, especially people who are “lower” than them. If someone is rude or mean to waiters and other people in the service industry, then they might treat other people like crap too. The person you’re out with might be a doctor now but they might have been a server at the Spaghetti Factory in college and they probably don’t have fond memories of mean customers.

9. Constantly check your electronic devices or pick up phone calls or twitter the entire process. It’s just rude. Again, you have just a few hours to try to convince this person that you should go out again, and you’re going to waste that time twittering? Hang up the phone and twitter after you get back home, your audience can wait.

10. Talk about your past relationships. If it comes up, don’t like avoid the question but don’t go on a huge tirade about evil ex number 2 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) b/c it’ll make you seem crazy. If you’ve not been very lucky in love before don’t get all emo about it either, b/c girls don’t like to pity date.

11. Tell her you’re going to call if you aren’t. B/c that’s just a douchebag thing to do.

12. Grab her and stick your tongue down her throat. I believe that’s called assault. You can’t force stuff like that. The best response you can expect from this kind of behavior is a swift kick to the crotch.

Now let’s play a game and try to guess how many of these rules I broke on my first dates?! Haha, oh sad.

Oh, here is cnn's list of dating mistakes. It's pretty different from mine... :P

self acceptance

I was going to put up another topic today but I had to write this one. I often pick my topics b/c of something I read on the internet but as you guys probably know, it's also from events and topics in my life or in my friend's or family's lives. So this one is a bit from current events but also from stuff that I learned a couple of years ago while in a deep deep funk after the dissolution of my second relationship (I don't regret the breakup at all, the guy was a douche, but I regret not realising it earlier!) and what followed which was a series of stupid decisions on my part and then figuring out I needed to get my shit together.

So here's some of the stuff I figured out with help from friends and family kicking me in the butt.

1) Change what you don't like about yourself. Don't want to be a rage-aholic anymore? Then work on it. Want to be more organized in your life. Work on it. Want to be a better dancer. Take a class. You might not always succeed and it might not always be easy, but don't sit around and whine about flaws if you're not working to fix them.

2) Accept things you can't change. You can't change how tall you are or what you look like (without the assistance of surgery anyhow) so you might as well accept it. Don't like your sister? Unless you're going to totally stop seeing her, learn to be civil for a couple of hours. Stressing over this type of stuff doesn't help. You can plan to get out of those situations but for the moment if you can't do anything about it, don't get yourself all worked up all the time.

2b) Embrace what you got left. Even if these are not necessarily great traits by real world standards. I like being rather blunt (some friends would say disturbingly honest) so even though it could be considered a negative, I have made it part of my group of characteristics. Same as being a nerd. I've learned to embrace it. So do you larp? Be proud! In Role Models, Augie Farks played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin'!) is a LARP nerd and what I really appreciated about the movie is that they didn't make him want to be a nerd who wanted to be cool like in so many other movies like Pretty in Pink or She's All That or the Lucas (this is my friend's suggestion, I don't recall the movie at all). Embrace your oddities! And if you don't, change them!

To pull an example from Big Bang Theory, Sheldon is happy being who is he (Well he's happy by Sheldon measures). He doesn't care if he's weird, he's good at being himself, so geek, physicist, anime, sci-fi, ren faire nerd, gamer, he's cool with all those titles. Leonard on the other hand is less happy. He is similar to Leonard in that they share a lot of the same interests but while he enjoys classic video game night, it always seems that he wants more. Well he wants Penny but he thinks that in order to get Penny he kinda has to be a different person. He wants to be cool like the douchebag physicist that Penny dated and later found out was married (played by BSG's Anders!). He hasn't accepted who he is yet, which is a comic book reading, D&D playing, time machine purchasing hardcore geek. BTW, I think Penny does like him and while she's had issues with his nerdity, it's more about her own self insecurity rather than his nerdiness that drove them apart initally.

Here's a list of unapologetic characters and they tend to be pretty badass:
Sue Sylvester from Glee
Jack Bauer from 24
Kat Stratford from 10 Things I Hate About You
Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Mal Reynolds from Firefly (he's got a lot of issues but he doesn't apologise for what he is)
Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory (not really badass but he is most people's favorite character)
Do these characters have flaws? Of course they do, as all people have flaws but you change what you don't like about yourself, accept what you can't change, and embrace the parts you keep.

Oh, I guess the other word for what I'm describing here is confidence. :D HAHA! Nerds and confidant aren't like often used together, maybe that's why I didn't think of it earlier.

So anyhow, in conclusion, what's the key lesson? It's ok to be a douche but then don't get mad if people call you one. ;P B/c if you're ok with who you are, the truth shouldn't hurt.