Differences Between Dating Sites (Part 1)

This is by no means a scientific run through of the differences between a couple of the dating sites that I've experienced. You don't know how many I've had to sign up for b/c my friends want me to look a profile of this or that girl.

I've signed up for profiles on:
Eharmony
OkCupid
Match
Geek2Geek
Shaadi
The last three were specifically for friends who wanted me to look at profiles so I haven't thoroughly explored those sites.


Some of the tons of online dating sites out there!

Eharmony is one of the two big dating websites along with Match. I think they have the most commercials on tv. Eharmony is known for being particularly expensive, and having a really long personality test you have to take. I've also known people who were rejected by Eharmony after spending like 4 hours taking the test. I'm not sure why they were rejected but it just says, that they are sorry but they are unable to match you, and it's something like 10% of the population that fits into this category? Another chief complaint is that there is no option for GLBT on Eharmony but I've heard a rumor that they are going to add that service to the site or make a sister site?

Anyhow, after you take the giant personality test, you then set up your profile which is similar to a lot of other websites, however, instead of being able to shotgun freely messaging people, you get a certain amount of matches each day that you can review their profile and then decide if you want to contact them. The contact initially is very specific, you can only send certain questions that you chose from a list of maybe 20 different types of questions. In a way it's bad b/c it's limiting, but also good b/c then on the recipient end, you don't have so many messages like, "hey baby, wanna f*ck?" and for people who are shy, they can use their preselected questions as a way to get to know someone without having to expose themselves too much. After you've gone back and forth with someone for a while then you eventually get to the free messaging.

This entire process can take a while, I think if you and the other person checked everyday and went to the next level of communicate each time, then it would probably be a minimum of at least 2 weeks before you get to free communication.

I'm going to share a tip that I learned from a friend who was on Eharmony for a while-- he said when you get to the open ended questions, make an excel spreadsheet and save your answers. If you're on long enough, you'll get asked the same questions over and over and it saves time if you recycle your answers. Recycling isn't just for cans anymore! It's not cheating, it's being practical and odds are, are your answers going to change on a day to day, or week to week basis? No, or they shouldn't, so go and make that spreadsheet.

OkCupid is a free dating website. I refer to their blog a lot b/c they are pulling info from their entire member pool and I'm just one crazy person. They are known for a ton of quizzes which you can just sign up to take those. The way they match people is you have a ton of user generated questions and you answer and answer how you would want the person you match with to answer and then how important is that question is to you. The topics can range from "Do you smoke?" to "Do you believe in the death penalty?" to "Do you think there will be a zombie apocalypse?" The more questions you answer, supposedly the better the matching would work.

I haven't dated anyone from OkCupid but disturbingly I keep getting matched with my friends who are on it and my brother (super gross!) but since I do get along with them, I assume it works decently. I match with my friend Matt 90% Match 77% Friend 9% Enemy and 88% Match 93% Friend 10% Enemy with my brother Ben. My friend's best friend is 90% Match 91% Friend 9% Enemy and I've met him and he is really cool too but waaaaay chatty. So I think that it's a not inaccurate system. The problem here is the free messaging, and that too many people don't take it seriously b/c it's a free service. I think if you're paying for a dating website, it's more likely they're really looking for a relationship and less of a hookup. I got the most messages on OkCupid, but most are really really terrible things like in the examples I used in my post about Writing the First Message.

Post is too long, Match and other services will be up tomorrow! Happy New Year and I hope your 2010 is even better than your 2009!

1st Date Addendum

These are just some things I totally forgot to add in the previous message, but were so important, it NEEDED to be said.

For the guys:
* No shorts unless you're going to the beach or swimming. (swimming on a first date is weird though, don't go swimming)
* No speedos ever, unless you're European and in Europe and it's probably still wrong.
* Socks with your sandals is bad.
* Your pants should reach your shoes, hopefully not drag on the floor and not expose your socks when you're standing. Capris are for women only and then sometimes still bad.
* Tame chest hair with an undershirt of some sort.
* Keep your electronic devices to a minimum. If you need a holster (or worse a fanny pack) to hold all your gadgets, it's too much stuff.
* Comb your hair/shave your head/wash your hair/do hair maintenance. Whatever you do to your hair, do that on the same day you see the girl.
* Shave if you're supposed to be clean shaven, or trim/shape (or whatever guys do) facial hair if you have a 'stache or goatee thing going on.

Any thing else I'm missing?

The First Date (Part 2)

My continued post on The First Date.

Why not movies or concerts?
I don’t like movies or concerts for first dates b/c unless you’ve known the person for a long time in real life, you will probably want to talk a lot. Movies and concerts or even loud restaurants won’t allow you to do that. Some people say (crazy people) say it’s good to go to loud places b/c then you have an excuse to touch them and get close to their ear so you can yell at them but I think that is a weak trade off for the chance to actually get to know someone.

What to Wear:
I think dressing a bit nicer than normal is good. If you’re normally a tshirts and sweats guy, do not meet her in tshirt and sweats. Even if she’s dressed down or coming straight from work, meeting a super schlub generally is not going to win her over. So take a bit of an effort and wear jeans or pants that are clean and without holes and hopefully fit and a nicer shirt, like a button up or polo. This should also be clean and without holes and fit properly. Ask someone with an actual fashion sense to help you with this, you don’t end up looking like a skinny gangster. A slightly funky shirt that fits with your style and personality is ok, if your profile says you love cthulhu (and who doesn’t?) wearing a button up shirt over a t-shirt that says, “cthulhu for president, why choose the lesser evil?” could be a very interesting talking point (unless she seems like a really normal person, in which case, save the elder god for a later time).

This is not ok to wear to a first date. Unless it's a Halloween party and you're going as a nerd.

Paying:
It’s totally sexist especially since I believe that men and women should be equal but guys pay for the first date. Not everyone is going to agree with me, but women can pay for later dates, but in this case, guys pay for the first date. Don’t go dutch, it’s kinda cheesy. It’s part of the ritual of males needing to prove that they can provide adequate resources for their female. (don’t get me started on the whole why guys are supposed to buy flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry and other expensive and ultimately useless things for women, I can literally write an essay on the origins of that). Unless she totally is about to arm wrestle you for the check, pay for the meal or ticket or whatever.

Topics:
Avoid any crazy heated topics. This could be political things, religion, or if Starbuck is really an angel or is she dead? I'm not saying don't have opinions, I'm just saying it's not worth fighting over yet. Try to talk about stuff that is more interesting than the weather. Try to remember stuff that she put in her profile or you discussed on the phone or via email and talk about those things. Making her think you're paying attention is good. Don't worry about small gaps in the conversation, not everyone is crazy chatty and occasional silences are ok, especially if you're both very hungry.

PDAs:
I'm not a huge fan of PDAs. The key is here, take your cues from the other person. I know we geeks have a hard time reading over people but I think a hug is a pretty normal thing at the end if the date went fairly well. Don't grope anybody at this point. Don't grab her hand if it'd doesn't seem like it. If you've seen New Moon, remember that scene where both Mike and Jacob are holding their hands out b/c they want Bella to hold their hand and how awkward that is? Don't be that guy. I guess what I'm saying is, don't force anything to happen b/c things will happen when they happen.

Technology:
Don't fiddle with your phone or other gadgets during the date. It's best if you turn off your cell phone too, and don't keep checking for twitter updates, it's not polite.

So I guess those are my thoughts on the first date.

The First Date (Part 1)

You’ve successfully navigated the treacherous waters of profiles, pictures, first messages, and first offline contact, now the FIRST DATE! Dun dun dun!! *minor music*

At this point you’re probably fairly excited about the other person, as I would say that the majority of connections online will never get to this point (citation: my own brain). I say be excited, but don’t be too excited b/c it’s only a first date and while there are plenty of stories about people knowing they’ve just meet the one on their first date, there are also plenty of first date horror stories. So I’m here to just let you know a couple of things that I’ve noticed from my own experiences or from information from my friends about their experiences.

What to Do:
Here is another good time to try Yelp for ideas and also refer back to my article on It’s Ok to Make Decisions Too. I think it’s nice to try to meet in the middle for dates, don’t invite someone to your house b/c it’s too soon for that, so meet at a public area or at the date location. I think in this day and age it’s not necessary for the guy to pick up the girl for the first date, also for safety reasons, she might be very uncomfortable with that, so just agree to meet somewhere. Even though guys don’t have to pick up girls anymore, you may be expected to drive more than halfway, this is still the burden of being the guy.

If you’re not too familiar with good places in-between your house and her house, try Yelp! It’s a good website for these sorts of things. Also don’t be afraid to ask friends for recommendations or ideas too. If you are meeting in an area that she isn’t as familiar with and you are, you might want to do the bulk of the planning.

I think going for coffee is not a great date. It’s really non committal and not everyone loves coffee. I think if you wanted to arrange a quick meetup date, at least go for ice cream or yogurt instead, it’s a bit more fun plus you won’t end up with coffee breath.


I like the idea of brunch as a date idea b/c it’s less formal than lunch or dinner, it’s cheaper and as a guy you’ll probably be paying for the majority of first dates also, so it’s nice to conserve money if possible and not have to shell out $50 on a lobster dinner. Brunch is also kinda fun, just don’t go to Ihop or Denny’s, but look for a cute breakfast café to eat at. Also the good thing about a brunch, if the date goes really well, she might suggest you guys hang out after brunch too!

Other good ideas could be going to a museum (any kind, art, science, natural history, train anything you guys both find interesting), going to a county fair or local festival (it can be cheesy but it’s sometimes fun to do cheesy things together), easy and short hikes or walks at the beach (if you’re not very athletic and outdoorsy like me), or botanical gardens (as long as the weathers good).

Things to avoid on the first date:
Stinky foods (just in case)
Messy foods (b/c rib bibs are not attractive)
Any activity that makes you sweaty and stinky (unless that’s what you’re going for).

Continued tomorrow!!!!

14 signs you're bad at dating

I did all of these but that's why I hate dating. Ok, maybe not all of them, but a lot.

How Do You Know You’re Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Or, Am I Getting Blown Off?

This happens to everybody, you meet someone, you think things are going great, and then all of a sudden, your calls aren’t being answered, your emails aren’t being responded too, and you got defriended on facebook. My friend, you have just been blown off.

Back in the day people had to ignore you to your face in order to dump you. You went to a community dance, the other person would snub you in person, and you’d know it was over. Or someone would tell you they were going steady with other people. Now with technology there are just that many more ways to get ignored.

Here are some warning signs that the person isn’t interested but just doesn’t have the guts to tell you.

1) Says they’ll contact you by a certain time but never do. This could be texts that never arrive, calls that never go through, stop by your workplace but just don’t have the time.
2) If they do eventually get back to you, and they tell you that they were crazy busy but they still want to hang out eventually but are really vague, be very cautious. B/c sometimes they are in the process of blowing you off.
3) If they tell you that they think you’re great and a lot of fun but their life is just really busy and they just want to be friends, that is a blow off.
4) They used to be nice but now when you talk to them they’re distant and kind of an a-hole. Having been the recipient of this behavior (you know who you are! *glare*) this is the act of a coward, and they want to break up with you but don’t have the guts to do so. So yeah, don’t stay with this kind of person b/c they aren’t mature enough to handle their or your feelings in a respectful way.

5) Unfriending or breaking via facebook or other social networks is probably the newest and most passive aggressive way to break up with someone. I think if you’re suddenly unfriended, then probably that’s a good (bad?) indication that they’ve lost interest.

CNN even has tips!

This article collaborates a lot of what I've been saying in my posts about online dating.

No Means No

This is a lesson that many people need to learn. No means no. It does not mean try harder. Trying harder when you’ve already heard no puts you into creepy guy territory. And nobody wants a creepy guy. End of story.

First (Offline) Contact (part 2)

Continued from yesterday!

Don’t interrogate them and bombard them with unaligned questions. A line of questioning that goes like, “What’s the name of your first pet? Do you like your job? What kind of car do you drive? Do you like Italian food?” will sound very aggressive and like you aren’t listening to the answers. Try to have a conversation that flows. This can be difficult especially if you’re nervous.

I know I often compare dating to job hunting and in many respects it’s very similar. In this case, think of it as an interview. You’re trying to found out information about the other party, you’re trying to present yourself in a positive but honest light, and you don’t want to be swearing up a storm b/c you don’t know the person very well.

On a last note, if you’re going to contact someone by text, don’t text them consistently. It’s probably a bit early for that kind of constant contact, so save that lolcats link for later.

Ok, I cannot keep up posting everyday.  So I’ll try to update at least twice a week! Otherwise I won’t have time to date! Haha…

Ooh late! First (Offline) Contact (Part 1)

First (Offline) Contact

So you’ve been messaging someone for a bit and you’ve gone to the next stage. The stage where they trust you enough to give you their phone number. And you call the person up. This is an incredibly scary moment b/c it’s the time you come out from the anonymity of the internet and transition into IRL.

My first suggestion is to reread everything one more time: profile, messages, etc. You don’t want to ask them where they went to college if they never went, b/c that’s really awkward. With that information, you can ask them about things, if you read they majored in English, don’t ask them to confirm it, ask them what classes they took, if there were any books that they studied that they really liked.

Find out from the other person when is a good time to contact them. If you’ve been emailing back and forth for a bit and get a phone number in your latest email, don’t get crazy excited when checking your email at midnight and call them up immediately. Because yeah you’re so happy that you’ve gotten to the next step, but calling them in the middle of the night is bad form, and makes you seem really desperate. So I’d find out when is a good time. My other tip is even if you make the call at a semi reasonable hour like 9, if you think you might want to chat for a while, call earlier. I once was called at 11 at night. Sure I’m awake now but for how much longer? So make sure you think about the other person’s schedule and they’ll be a lot happier with you in the long run.

On the flip side, if they give you a phone number and you’re genuinely interested in the other person, don’t wait three days. I don’t know who came up with that idea but it’s dumb. I’d say call the next day if it’s convenient. This is not based on any scientific study but my personal opinions about being honest and not making them guess about your intentions. If you don’t want girls to play mind games with you, why would you play games with her? So if you say you’re going to call Saturday, call her Saturday. Flaking in this situation is one of the worst things possible b/c you’ve essentially lied. Think of it this way, if you made a movie date for Saturday and she didn’t show up, that’d be really horrible right? Well if you say you’re going to call Saturday and don’t, there better be a dead grandmother or something like that involved or you can start saying goodbye to any interest that she had.

Continued tomorrow!

Honestly-- It’s the Best Policy

Today’s topic is a very important one. One we should have learned in kindergarten—lying is bad. Honesty (if done tastefully) is good. I’m not saying that we all need to be crazy blunt either, but don’t lie b/c it’ll come around to bite you in the butt.


I covered this before in previous posts about creating a profile and writing an introductory message, but it’s important to present in a positive light but to not exaggerate or misrepresent yourself. If you lie about your age, weight, education, hobbies, the other person’s gonna figure it out, so pure and simple, be yourself…unless you plan on never letting the other person see your driver’s license or visit you at work, but that sounds like too much work.

When it comes to telling someone that you aren’t interested, there are a couple of ways to approach this too. You can do the classic, not going to respond method. But I find it a bit shady. If it’s a first message, then not responding is pretty typical but if you’ve been corresponding for a while, and especially if you’ve actually met or are in a relationship then by all means, tell them that you don’t think the relationship isn’t what you’re looking for or something like that. Don’t blow them off when they call, or text or email. Don’t treat them like an ass until they break up with you, b/c that’s just complete douchery. Have the balls to just tell the truth b/c then especially if you tell them (in as nice a way as possible) why the relationship won’t work, maybe they can take that information and work on it.

When you close a match in Eharmony, it asks you why you closed it. Generally people cop out and put “other” as the reason. This tells me nothing. It may honestly be other, but if you put something like, “you’re too old for me” or “there isn’t any chemistry” at least I have something to work off of. Of course if I’m a year older than you and you say I’m too old for you, you’re still a douche. (A friend of mine said that a woman told him he lived too far away when they lived in the same city and I’m not referring to Los Angeles, I’m talking about a normal city!) So put a reason, but make it a legit reason, not some BS-y one.

Ok, so this is really sorta a topic of honesty and also not lying when you blow someone off.

Sorry about the rambling, tomorrow will be a more concrete topic, making the first phone calls (or other non-online contact)!

Sorry about no post!

But I have to clean my room tonight. :( I'll try to write one tomorrow!

Picking a Target

Good Afternoon Readers! Today’s topic is Picking a Target aka Who Should I Message?
Maybe this topic should have come before writing your first message, but oh well! :)

I think the first bit of advice here is, don’t get hung up on any one particular person. If you come across a profile and they sound like you should be soul mates, that’s cool, but if you contact that person and they don’t respond, don’t fall into a deep emo-type despair. I think this can happen a lot; we geeks can get obsessive about pretty much anything and when you find someone who seems like a good match, we can start internet stalking them, showing their profile to all your friends, imaging where you’re going to live in the future (of course I’ve never done this… O_o) and then you message them and you don’t hear back. And then follows a deep funk and then a swearing off of all dating forever. Ok, maybe that’s just me, but yeah, don’t be like me!

First, a profile is only a hint of what a person is like. They might like all of the same things as you but when you meet there is no chemistry, or vice versa, someone can seem really different from you but somehow your personalities just click and things will be great, so not hearing back from one person should not be determining your future emotional health.

Second, there are a ton of people on internet dating sites. According to some not authoritative statistics on the internet, in 2007, 20 million people visited at least one internet dating site each month, and I would think that that number has only gone up since then. So keep trying, there are good people out there.


Look at all those fish out there!

Ok, next after not getting hung up on one person is, don’t be too picky. Pictures can be deceiving. We spent a lot of time talking about profile pictures so we know there are a lot of bad pictures out there. if the pictures aren’t great, it’s not a reason to discount them. If they’re pictures are ok, but they seem really cool, give them a message. A friend’s friend puts up picture of herself from when she was heavier b/c she wants people to message her for her personality, not because of how she looks. (I don’t necessarily recommend her method unless you get a lot of people messaging you for the wrong reasons.) A friend adds, “looks aren’t everything” and he’s a guy saying this!

I recommend making a list of things that you have to have in a partner and things that you really don’t want. Eharmony has an entire section dedicated to this idea called “must-haves” and “can’t stands”. Even if your service doesn’t have this part, you can keep a list of your own, so if can’t stand smokers, and are allergic to dogs, that need to be on your list. But things like, needs to drive a sports car and be 5’10 should not be on your list. Material things like that will only prevent you from meeting really great people. Also consider widening the age range and types of people you’ll date. If you limit yourself to certain races or ethnicities, maybe you’ll miss out on a really great “other” out there. :)

It’s Ok to Make Decisions Too

Greetings readers! Sorry about the late post today.

But continuing with our blog on online dating, I’m going to skip topics a bit and move to one very near and dear to my heart, It’s Ok to Make Decisions Too.

If you’re with someone else and you’re trying to come up with plans for later, and the other person asks you, “What do you want to do?” don’t respond with, “I dunno, what do you want to do?”

I think that a lot of geeks will respond with “I dunno” for a couple of reasons.

First, apathy, sometimes they really just don’t care, but you should because we want you to care. Or at least, pretend to care. But it’s best if you really care, b/c it shows you’re putting effort into the relationship.

Second, just don’t know. This geek does care but doesn’t have good ideas. Well, instead of just saying, “I dunno,” maybe say, “Let brainstorm some ideas” or something! If you’re looking for places to eat, try Yelp.com. It’s a good place to get recommendations for food. There are lots of resources that can give you good ideas for other things to do too and not all of them cost money either! A little creativity and research can go along way. Also, maybe keeping a list of things you’ve always wanted to do together could be useful. B/c you’ll encounter things where you’ll say, “oh that sounds cool, we should do that someday,” and if you keep a list of those things, those somedays could be a reality!


Third, trying to be accommodating. Sometimes geeks want to be nice and let the other person decide. Well, if the other person has already asked you for your opinion, they probably really want your opinion, otherwise, they would have said something like, “How about we go for Mexican food for dinner and then play video games after that?” As a friend put it, trying to be accommodating like this all the time, just makes you look super indecisive. So, state some opinions! The worst thing that will happen is you’ll be shot down. Sometimes too easy going is not a good thing.

This is advice that could really apply while in a relationship or for making first date plans.

So that’s the bit o’ info for today! I think tomorrow's will be on How To Choose People To Contact.

Writing the Introduction Message (part 3)

The final part of my thing on first messages.

The best kind of first messages are ones that show you have a sincere interest in the other person and not just their body. Try to mention any common hobbies or other similarities you have and why you like what you do without sounding like you’re copying their profile hobby for hobby. You want to sound friendly, conversational, and confident without being overbearing. Think of it as a marketing, you have a product (yourself) and you want the other person to “buy” it by making yourself look good and convincing us that it’s something that we should have an interest in.

I also wanted to tell you about the probably the worst possible thing you could possibly do in a first message. Threaten the girl. Which really did happen to me. I received three separate messages from a guy who obviously had a form message he was sending out to any girl on his match list. I deleted the messages which is a shame b/c here’s the gist of his messages, “Hi, My name is Blah. Message me back…or else.”



I did write back after the third message, and I said, “Welcome to my blocked list.” So ok, again use commonsense and don’t threaten people.

So in summary, don’t be a sleaze, don’t threaten, don’t use generic messages (you don’t use them for cover letters!), sound like you’re taking an genuine interest in the person, spellcheck, proofread, and sell yourself in a positive manner. Oh and don't let a little rejection or no replies get you down. The entire point of online dating is that you're trying to meet more people and so don't get fixated on one person. If you don't hear back from someone, reevaluate your situation, see if there's anything that you could have done better (but don't dwell on this, nerds can be dwellers) and move on.

Writing the Introduction Message (part 2)

Part 2 of a 3 part series on writing a first message.

We the recipients of your messages know you are probably messaging multiple people at one time but if you’re going to do it, do it right. We don’t want to feel like we’re one in a giant crowd that you’ve aimed your shotgun at. We want to feel like you’re genuinely interested in us as an individual.

Here’s an example of a better actual form letter:

Hi X!
So we finally made it through the preliminary questions. There are a thousand things I'd love to know about you but because this is our first email, I'll try to keep it from turning into the Inquisition. Still, there are a couple of questions I like to ask:
1. Do you like to sing in the car?
2. Do you ever lay out under the stars?
Hope to hear from you soon!
- Y
PS: you can also reach me at Z

I think this one is better b/c it’s not as obvious it’s a form letter, and the user knows the service that he’s on. Eharmony generally forces you through a series of steps before you can freely send messages back and forth. It assumes that you’ve already read their profile and answered specific questions getting to this stage and so a question that is not, “What do you typically do on weekends?” question could be seen as imaginative and a welcome change from the often meat-market mentality of dating websites.

Ok, here’s another example of a not great first message:

i was browsing to see who i can fall in love with and move away and then i came to ur profile. i am a capricorn i love hot wings and i have been skateboarding since i was 8 years old (i think). now that i have ur attention. please tell me about yourself

If the guy had read my OkCupid profile, which he obviously didn’t, he would have read that I’m already in a relationship plus my profile reads that I’m only looking for friends and networking (which is kind of a lie b/c I don’t need more friends and it’s hard to network with people who aren’t librarians, since I don’t sell anything at my job). So, again, read their profile. Capitalize. Use complete sentences or at least make your sentences sound decent. Don’t use textspeech (ur?!). And yes, you got my attention but in the bad way and now you will be mocked forever on the internet. Finally, “move away”? You’re going to fall in love and move away from me b/c long distance relationships are more romantic?! Dude, you make no sense. :P

Another real life example:

Subject: wanted to say hello

hello.

well i guess I said it. Success.

Hey, be honest. Did you go into library science because of Giles? or was it to have time for reading support material for your next 3.5 ed (or 4th ed) character?

are you a brown coat?

hope you are having a good day”

This guy obviously read my profile (or at least part of it) and is probably a really nice guy. But the impression I get is he’s so hesitant that I wouldn’t even want to be friends with him. It seems like he has no self esteem. (Maybe b/c girls never write him back, but technically I did write him back, but just nothing aside to say that, “yes I am a browncoat.”) Aside from things I said about the importance of proper punctuation, grammar blah blah, this is an example of shooting yourself in the foot. He’s obviously interested but this would have been a much better email if he had also talked about his interest in Buffy or D&D or Firefly, what he likes about those things, or his experiences with gaming, or really anything other than just throwing a bunch of questions at me. As he was writing this, I’m sure he was thinking stuff like, “I’m showing interest in HER, and I’m being witty, this is great,” but in text it comes across very flat.

(Text and how it flattens tone is part of the reason why I love !! and  and other emotes. I know it’s supposed to be not cool but I think that it’s one the ways that I show that I’m enthusiastic and interested in a conversation. My brother made fun of me b/c I once read over an email I was sending and the only change I made was to add a smiley at the end. He said, “You thought a happy face would perfect your email?” and I said, “yup.” I’m not saying use exclamation points and LOLs and :P all over your emails but to me, it helps me hear your voice better. Oh, also, don’t type in all caps ever. It looks like yelling and no one likes to get yelled at.)

Continued tomorrow!

Writing the Introduction Message (part 1)

Writing the Introduction Message

While choosing pictures and writing a profile are very important parts of successful online dating, I think the most stressful part is writing the first message. You’ve come across a profile and picture of someone you find interesting and now you would like to get to know them better. This first message is the truly hard part, what do you say to them? For some online dating services, the message may be the first impression of you. On OkCupid, messages are usually read before the reader clicks to the profile. On eharmony, the profile is what is sent first, so it’s important to understand the service you’re using.

If you still haven’t read it, go to OkCupid’s blog. This one in particular is about what kind of first messages were the most likely to elicit a reply. They have tips such as, what kind of greetings work better than others, don’t tell a girl that she’s pretty, hot, or sexy, stuff like that. My advice here will be a combination of what that blog post says plus my own experiences with messages b/c I don’t want to entirely duplicate what they already said.


First point (and honestly this should be common sense): Don’t be gross. Telling a girl that she’s like the hottest thing ever and you want to be on top of her is not a good way to get her attention. Remember in elementary school when they said there were good ways to get attention and bad ways? This is a very bad way. It is however probably a really good way to get on a lot of people’s blocked lists. I’m not sure if this kind of message any has any success rate, but I’m assuming that guys like this send out thousands of these spam-like messages over the internet hoping that they’ll find someone sleazy or desperate enough to reply. I do not recommend this method b/c sleazy people just make me hate people more.

Don’t write what is obviously a form letter. I know it’s a lot of work to think of something interesting to say to each individual person--you have to carefully read their profile (I do advise this otherwise you miss out in important facts like, “Hey, I’m dating someone else already”) and then think of something interesting to say. But you know, you have to spend the time b/c form letters (at least really obvious form letters) really really suck and in my opinion, if you can’t spend five minutes thinking of something new to say, how much effort are you going to put into the relationship?

Here’s an example of a real message that I received:

hello my name is XXX (not a porn, I’m just blocking out his name. :P). I am a chef and work for a couple of catering companys. I love to cook and bake.. I enjoy eating very good food.. I love to snowboard and being out doors.. Would love to know more about you.. ? hope to hear back from you..

Ok, kids, what’s wrong with this letter? A bunch of stuff. First of all, it’s obviously a form letter and if it’s not, it sucks enough and is generic enough to be a form letter and still falls under the same category of “not going to work”. Second, he could say, Hi/Hello/Hola/Yo (your name here) or other greeting. At least cut and paste my username into your first message so I know you read that much of my profile. Third, this guy should capitalize this message even if I don’t do it (it makes me charming…quiet from the peanut gallery!) but it seems like he put no effort into this letter. Couldn’t even bother to hit the shift key occasionally. I just looked at my Facebook profile and I capitalize here. I capitalize on my OkCupid and eHarmony pages. You know why? B/c it’s important to look more put together. (So if I don’t capitalize in my emails to you, then you’re not important…I kid, I kid!). It’s like dressing up for job interviews, you want to put your best foot out there. Even if you don’t normally capitalize, save that for later when you know each other better and can be a little more informal. Also, spellcheck! Spellcheck is your friend. And in my case, my friends are my friends and they catch my errors. :P Lastly, try to add in something personal. Not personal like your cat died last week or that you have a mysterious rash but personal like, “Hey do you like teaching?” if they’re a teacher or “What did you think of the most recent episode of Heroes?” if they watch Heroes. Don’t bring random things up if they don’t say it in their profile, again, it will seem like you aren’t paying attention.

Dude, I have to break this one up into three parts b/c it's really really long... sorry! But I'll have it post each morning for the next couple of days!

Crafting a Profile (part 2)

Hello readers and fellow geeks! This the second half of my post on Crafting a Profile. Which really sounds fancier than what it really is, which boils down to, don't sound like a douche. :P

I would also put a section of what you hope to be doing in the future if you’re looking for a long term relationship. If you’re still in school, talk about what kind of career you’re shooting for, what kind of lifestyle you’d like to have, where you might want to be living. If you’re working, then talk about what your career goals are--do you want to be CEO, want a job that allows you to travel a bunch, etc. I like eharmony b/c it includes a little box on if you want kids or not. Since that’s pretty important to me, I like preknowing b/c then I don’t end up dating some guy who doesn’t have the same life plan as me. Maybe that’s too much information, but I’m like the queen of TMI. :P That part is probably not as necessary but if you’re also on eharmony don’t check “maybe” you want kids if you mean “no”. Guys do things like that all the time b/c they don’t want to sound all rejecty but I don’t want to read “maybe” and hear a “yes” in my head when you really mean “no”. (There will be more on what yes/no/maybe means in a later article.)

For some examples of good profiles you can go to http://geeksdreamgirl.com/onlinedatinghelp/ and look at the different levels of services they provide b/c she has a “before” about me summary and an “after” about me summary in each level. You can look at those for examples. I’m not advocating that you pay someone to write your profile, in fact I actively discourage it b/c if I was a girl that was contacted with a profile that was not originally written by you and with her highest level of service, she’ll actually contact people for you, and I found out that it wasn’t you? I’d be really pissed, b/c I’d want to be contacted by the person who the profile is representing. And if you’re too busy to find someone, then I think you’re probably too busy to date too. Lastly on this point, this kinda thing has the been the plot of many movies and plays, (Cyrano de Bergerac/Roxanne, The Truth About Cats and Dogs, to name two) and they always fall in love with the author, not the profile (so if you want that person to fall in love with the lady on geeksdreamgirl, go ahead, it's your doom). So my point here, write your own profile and contact your own people. Sure get someone to read over your stuff, but like when you wrote essays in school, you need to initially write it and then you can ask people to fix things.


Final Tips:

• Be honest.

• Be not creepy (this may conflict with being honest but try).

• Spell check it and have a friend check for things spell check doesn’t catch and grammar too. This is super important. If you spell check a resume for a job, and this is arguably more important than a job, then you should definitely check your spelling here.

• Don’t use text speak. No one wants to read a profile that sounds like an illiterate teenager wrote it. Here’s an article about why text speak is so not cool anymore. (for some reason the link totally doesn't work, but go here: http://futurethinktank.com/2008/12/10/is-txt-spk-ovr/ )

• Don’t sound crazy intense. This is true for if you’re talking about yourself or hobbies. Here’s an excellent example of too intense. “Hopeless romantic in that when I love, I love with all I have. Like it says above, 110%. Not everyone can handle it, but I have proven myself to the ones who could. Some many times over.” It might be true, but you don’t want to come across as someone who will axe murder you if the relationship goes south.

• Don’t be too self-deprecating. I know we nerds like to mock ourselves, but in text, that kind of humor doesn’t translate well, and it sounds like we’re bitter and depressed. And basically if we can’t say anything positive about ourselves, why should they date us?

• Be a little witty and funny but don’t try too hard (sound confusing enough?). Also the written word is not a good vehicle for sarcasm. Sarcasm often ends up making the person sound like a jerk (trust me, I know this first hand.)

• And finally, I think it should sound a bit like a narrative. Sentences should flow, and ideas should not ram up against each other. If it sounds jarring, then you sound a bit crazy.


Also you all need to be reading OkCupid’s blog. (http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/about/) They talk about a lot of interesting topics, like response rates by race, religion, attractiveness. The topics aren’t always pretty to hear about, but the world isn’t always pretty.

Ok, that's all I currently have on writing your profile!

Crafting A Profile (part 1)

Welcome back readers! Today’s topic is, Crafting A Profile.

After your picture, the profile is probably the next thing a person is going to see. The profile has to convey several points, who you are, what you are looking for in a partner and relationship, and what your hopes and dreams are for the future. If your profile isn’t doing those things, then it could be harder to find someone since they can’t tell as much about you, and what you’re looking for. Maybe if you had mentioned that you love baking and the Food Network (I almost typed Foot Network, that’d be a weird station), she would have messaged. You don’t want to miss this opportunity to share who you are with another person.

Generally people start their profiles with a short “about me” paragraph. I think these are very tricky b/c you’re trying to represent yourself in just a few sentences. But you think, “I can’t possibly be described in five sentences, I’m a complex life form!” Well that’s true, but I think here is the time to look inside yourself and figure out who you are at the core. She doesn’t need to know that you collect legos at this time, but if you are a lego artist, you can share that you have an artistic soul, etc etc.

I think a lot of people fall into the trap of, “I am a student” or “I am an engineer” and that should somehow define you. I guess if you’re like a nun where your job is also your life, then that’s cool, use that, but I would hope that you are more than just what you do to earn money. (If you're a nun, why are you dating? Aren't you already married to God?)


Similarly people also list their hobbies. I don't think a giant list of hobbies is a great thing...despite the fact I do that in my profiles don't do it. I’m a geek girl so I have the luxury of being lazier than geek guys. This is an unfair but true fact. As geeks we often define ourselves by our particular brand of geek, Star Trek, Star Wars, Cosplay/Anime, Movie, Tolkein, Furry (oh god, don’t get me started on furries), Gamers of all shapes and colors, Comic Book, I could go on forever. And while this is a good way to communicate with other geeks, I think it’s important to describe ourselves in different terms. What is it about the hobby that you like? Do you like fantasy b/c of the classical archetypes found in legends? Do you play games for the competition and camaraderie? Do you get really cold so you need to wear giant bunny suits? I’m not saying, lie, I’m saying, you are more than a collection of interests. Also don’t sound too obsessive about your hobbies, even if you are. Now is not the time to share your love of Stormtrooper cosplay (unless you’re on a geek dating site, in which case that’s hot).

Another section of your profile should be about what kind of person you are looking for. But be realistic here. If you’re a shy homebody who likes to stay home and play video games on weekends, an outgoing hiker might not be your best match. Even if they sound exciting and fun. Be realistic about what kind of person you think would be a good match for who you are now, b/c dating someone exciting and fun doesn’t necessarily make you exciting and fun. (not that there’s anything wrong with being not exciting nor fun, b/c I am that giant homebody who’d rather play video games.) Don’t be afraid to state what you’re looking for in a person and in a relationship. Sometimes people are wishy-washy when they state what kind of partner they want like, “someone to laugh with”, well crap, that’s vague. How about something like, “I want a partner who will laugh at cheesy horror films with me.”

(Continued in tomorrow's post! A friend said they're too long and I should post more often. So I'm breaking this up into two parts!)