When Dates Go Bad

Not all dates will go well...in fact since most dates don't become relationships, most dates will probably suck. But sometimes, geeks with our lack of social skills don't know when things are heading towards the path where she never calls you back or is always mysteriously busy. But here's a list of signs that things are not going well on your date. Please feel free to change the shes to hes...b/c some of these happened to me so it's not just guys who have bad first dates! T_T

She goes to the bathroom for a really really really long time...and doesn't show up again until the check appears. (I mean there might be stomach troubles, which isn't your fault unless it's a restaurant you suggested that like food poisoned her... but it's likely she was trying to avoid you. Esp if she never comes back.)

She picks up her cell phone and has an emergency in the middle of the date and has to leave. (but sometimes this is also legit, it happened to a friend, her cousin called and needed to be let back into his house!)

She picks up her phone and has like a 20 minute chat with her best friend/mom/sister/ex-boyfriend.

All she does is talk about her ex or exes.

All she does is talk about her dog/cat/fish/shoe collection.

She mentions that sometimes the only way to train a dog is to hit them.

She doesn't know who Chewbacca is.

She yawns continuously while you're talking.

She keeps checking the time.

She doesn't make eye contact.

She answers questions in the shortest answers possible, yes/no/maybe/dunno/fuck off.

She hasn't laughed at a single joke you've made and hasn't made any of her own.

She talks about how busy she is and how she's probably going to be stuck at school or the office for the next couple of months.

She smells really bad. Like you're worried you smell but really it's not you, it's them.

She's really late and doesn't call or have a legitimate excuse like there was an overturned vehicle on the freeway and it took me five hours to get through...b/c in LA anyhow, you should expect traffic. (A friend was meeting some guy and he went to the wrong Starbucks and waited there for 20 minutes...even though it was closed.)

At the end of the date, she practically runs to her car and it's not raining.

She slaps you, kicks you in the crotch or performs other kinds of violence and she's not doing a martial arts demonstration.

She doesn't even try to do the "shall I pay for the check dance." Ok this is much more egregious for guys who do this...I went on a date and the guy didn't even try to pay for dinner. He literally just sat there and kept talking. Dude, at least TRY and pretend you want to pay.

She ordered a dish with a lot of onions and garlic in it.

Ok, have a safe and fun New Years! :)

It's a Trap!

(an extra post to make up for the one I skipped last week)

There are many traps in life. There are literal traps like tiger traps but also figurative but just as dangerous traps too.



For example, the most infamous trap is, "Do I look fat in this?" Why is that a trap? B/c unless you're very careful, all answers are bad and could spark an argument.

Look at his butt! hahaha!!


How to avoid traps? The best way is to be around people who don't set them. Failing that, think carefully about the best response to avoid confrontation. Something like, "No you don't, you look great in everything." (I'm totally making this up b/c I don't really know how to avoid these things...is there any placating trap setters?)

Ok, this article is pretty funny...it has a lot of female to male translation which apparently I can't do. Hahaha!

Another trap I heard of was telling the guy he could go to a strip club with friends and then getting mad at him for going to the strip club...even though she went too. That's just mighty unreasonable. I think if you have someone who is doing that to you, you have to evaluate whether unreasonableness is a fairly common occurrence in your relationship and if you want to live with that.

Anyhow, traps are bad, avoid is possible, deflect and minimize in all other circumstances. And be wary at all times. :)

More geek gift ideas

But dude, not like you have a lot of time now. :P Procrastinator!


These are some ideas from CNN. I guess they've been gloaming onto this geek culture thing lately. It's strange and I'm not sure I'm liking the mainstreaming of geek culture.

I love the Ed and Ein plushie but what's with the red box D&D? I mean, the red box is cool b/c it brings back nostalgia for the old basic sets but dude, you're pushing a starter set for geeks? What kind of geek is that?!

There's a first time for everything

Yikes, this is going to be a delicate topic and I'm not known for my delicacy or like tact...here's trying and I hope I don't offend too many people, but considering most of you know me personally, you'll probably live. :P

Sex is a huge deal. Doing it for the first time is an even huger deal. Especially for nerds that giggle when people would say the word and turn away with people kissed on tv. (I'm not even exaggerating here!) But I'm going to talk a little bit about it, not like HOW to do it, but more the psychological why or why nots...there are plenty of things that can help you with the hows. :P

First, it's not something to rush into. When people are teenagers and nerdy hormones were flooding through their body, they probably wanted to do something, but lets not discuss that, that's creeping me out. The point I'm trying to make is, don't rush it sex b/c your hormones tell you to. Your hormones are dumb and don't come from your brain (I think). Many poor regrettable decisions come from hormone based actions instead of logically thinking about it. Think about it, if you have the opportunity once, likely that opportunity will come up again and hopefully you'll have some time to evaluate the situation and decide if you're ready.

On the flip side, if you haven't yet and you're like getting "old", whatever you think is old don't stress. Stressing about sex is like a sure fire way to not attract someone. I'm sure I've talked about desperation as something that scares people away, so if it's not happening, just chill, work on your life, work on being happy and meeting new people and eventually things should happen.

You should also feel comfortable with the person. Don't just sleep with someone to get it out of the way. You should probably have some sort of emotional connection, and maybe you should know their last name.

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Don't do it b/c you feel pressured into it by another person. If they're pressuring you, they're douches and you don't want to date douches.

If you're going to have sex, be considerate of the people you live with. Don't do it in the living room and then have your roomate bust in on you and your pasty white nerd butt. That's awkward and your roommate might be forced to blind themselves with brooches. Even if you're in your room, keep screaming to a minimum b/c really, that's not fun either.

Perhaps most importantly in regards to sex, is be safe. Make sure the person you're with isn't going to axe murder you or put poison in your ears. Make sure there aren't any unwanted babies and that you're on the same page about that topic. Make sure that there aren't going to be any diseases passed back and forth b/c there are some things that should not be shared. And I would add that make sure that you won't regret that decision later. I've heard that "you only regret the things you didn't do". Well that's stupid, I've regretted tons of things I've done, but what I mean is, make sure this is something that is right for you, at that time, and with the right person b/c your hormones aren't always working in your best interest.

Holiday Gift Giving (Geek Edition)

I did a blog post before on giving gifts but here's the geek specific version, YAY!

Here's some ideas for things you can get the nerd/geek in your life:

• Nerd shirts: try shirt woot or thinkgeek or nerdmachine (which is Zachary Levi's company) or sheldon's shirts.
  
• Technology like new video cards or whatever, but it's important to know what you're buying b/c you want to make sure it's compatible with what they already have and that it's an actual upgrade.
  
• Gadgets like swiss army knives and gerber multiplyers and such. These are just fun things. Also included in this category are flashlights and titanium sporks.
  
• DVDS/Bluray/video gamesbut make sure they don't have it already. A good thing to check is see if they have an amazon wishlist for things they're waiting for.
  
• You can never go wrong with a giftcard. Some people think they're impersonal but really, I don't think geeks will not appreciate a Best Buy giftcard. Just don't make it for like random places like upscale clothings stores which will not compute to your nerd audience.

Things to NOT do unless you want to confuse them or start a nerd rant:

• Things like cologne or hairstyling might be something they need but they probably won't understand why they're getting it, it might not be very appreciated and it may just sit in their cupboard forever.
  
• Don't mix up interests--Star Wars and Star Trek are two very different things...they might like both but it's possible that you could get into a very long explaination about how George Lucas has gone crazy and how 37 minutes of trade negotations is awesome. It might seem trival to you but it's not to your geek.
  
• Wrapping paper is nice. Bags are nice. Grocery bags are probably also ok. While we do appreciate a beautifully wrapped gift, your mother might appreciate it more.
  
• If you're going to give holiday cards, try to find unique ones. I like ones that are a bit strange rather than typical "yay christmas" cards. But for me personally, I'd rather have more present than a fancy card.
  

Ok, hopefully this helps some. Happy Holidays!

Friends and Family

Since Thanksgiving and the Holiday gift giving season is upon us I'll talk about something super important especially at this time of the year, FRIENDS and FAMILY.

There is some debate to how important it is for the person you're dating to get along with your friends and family or for you to get along with theirs. Ideally, everyone would love everyone and things would run smoothly. Alas, this is not an ideal world and sometimes there are personality clashes. In those circumstances it's important to remember that it is in your best interest to play nice. So avoid controversial topics like religion and politics and if keep digging and want to get into it, try some of the tips here. It's for avoiding conversations about religion but it's pretty applicable to avoiding any topics! Basically it says, resist arguing, change the subject, telling them that you're not comfortable with discussing the topic etc. I also like the idea of agreeing to disagree. I do this with patrons at work too, I told a patron who wanted to get into politics with me, "I appreciate your viewpoint but I don't agree with it." He keeps trying to get me to debate him though...some people just like to argue and are bored so you have to be careful with those kinds of folks.

Also try to find common ground. Odds are they won't be gamers...so talk about more neutral subjects like food and movies and books if they read. Telling them all about your half-orc bard who has to struggle against racism and a shockingly low charisma score isn't going to win you any non-gamer friends, so save the geek talk for your buddies.

Don't insult them. Saying that football is the worst sport in the world at a Superbowl party is a pretty bad idea. Insulting the cooking at Thanksgiving also bad. Don't criticism their housekeeping, their dog, their children, their hobbies, anything that is just plain rude. It's not really your job to police their lives. If they want to live in squalor, that's their choice, just be discreet about using napkins to open doors and stuff. If the role was reversed it'd be really rude for someone to come to your house and refuse to use the bathroom b/c it's "too dirty". The only time I did that was at a wedding with over 100 people and only two portapotties...I think that was justifiable. But I also didn't tell the hosts that either and we were still there for like five hours.

Hopefully you'd all like each other. I mean the entire point of friendster is that people you like should all get along right? So if you do have things in common, awesome. But then you have to think about, how much do you want to share with them? I'm not saying don't make friends, but do you want to be sharing hilarious and wrong stories about your significant other? It's one of those things where I tend not to mind b/c I'm not a huge secret keeper, but some people like to keep their lives a little private so it's important to make sure your significant other is comfortable with you becoming like BFFS with their friends and family.

And heaven forbid you become super good friends with their friends and family and you end up breaking up? Do you have to divide up your friends? Set up visitation rights? It gets complicated. I'm not saying don't do it, but sometimes when people are friends with a couple, people take sides and you might not like which side they end up on...especially if it's family (ala She's Out of Your League which was really just an awkward movie all over, but when the guy broke up with the girl, she was really close with the family and she stayed living in the house.)

Probably one of the hardest things is when your significant other and your family/friends just don't get along...this can make for tense times especially around the holidays. The best thing to do is make sure that you still make time for everyone b/c the last thing you want to do is mess up your relationship with your friends and family over someone you're dating.

So have a Happy Turkey Day and I hope you're enjoying it with your friends and/or family! :)

It's Not You It's Me. No For Reals.

From an article on CNN.
Here's the article.

I think one of the themes that runs through this dating blog is self improvement. No one is perfect, there are always things we could working on to make ourselves better people. This article talks about what happens if you find the "one" but you aren't the "one" for them? The author says it's important to work on these four aspects to make sure you are as ready as possible to get out there and find your partner: self esteem, attitude, happiness and kindness/compassion.

You need self-esteem b/c it's hard to like someone who doesn't like themselves. If someone is always putting themself down, and not in a funny Conan O'Brien way, you just don't want to be around that. Or someone who doesn't respect themself enough to take care of their body, by using drugs or drinking to excess or can't shower regularly. Really, that's no good either. So work on taking care of yourself, and remembering you are a worthy person...and maybe you need to work on some stuff, but you can still like yourself, even if you're not perfect. Just don't too far over the other side and become a douche. Oh and showering is important.

Attitude is another important aspect. We geeks can be pretty cynical and sarcastic, it's part of our charm, but a lot of people might not understand our sense of humor and think we're emo. Emo is ok if you're like 15. Emo is not ok when you're in your 30s. It's supposed to be emo-kid, not emo-man. So if you're still super emo, think about why and what you can do to not be emo. Is your job dragging you down? Start looking for things that do make you happy including looking for another job! Love life got you down? Well that's just circular, you are emo b/c you can't find someone but your emo-ness is keeping good people away!

It's important to be able to be happy. Not like Pollyanna where you are happy all the time. I'm talking about being able to feel joy when good things do happen. It's really annoying being around people and you tell them good news and they're like 'meh'. Dude, it's great news! I'm enthused, why can't you be enthused too? People like to be around happy people. If you saw two crowds of people and one was full of smiling, laughing people and the other was full of mopey people, MOST people would go to the happy crowd. Some nerds might go the mopey crowd to avoid having to talk to people but generally we gravitate towards people with positive energy. Try to be one of those people with positive energy and people will come to you more.

And very importantly, it's important to be a kind person. I think this is something that sounds very cliche, "oh I want a nice guy." But it's really not too much to ask for. You want someone who genuinely cares about others b/c they will be a good person. Do you care about others? If your whole life only revolves around you, then what do you have to offer someone else in the long term? Kindness means you can empathize. Even if you're not working in a food bank every weekend, at least be polite to your waitstaff at restaurants. I think true kindness and compassion are about the little things like saying please and thank you and packing a lunch rather than buying someone jewelry. Moral of this story? Don't be a self absorbed douche and think about how you and your actions affect others.

I think if you work on improving yourself, even little by little, I think that more people will be able to see how great our geeky qualities are and that we're great people.

The Preemptive Strike

This is dedicated to a friend of mine. You know who you are! :)

Somethings are great to do early: homework, your taxes, Christmas shopping. Somethings not so much, like dumping a someone b/c they might become crazy in the future. I think that it's fairly common to freak about about starting a relationship esp if your past history involved some not so great people. But don't let your past dictate your future.

If you see actual signs of craziness then be wary. If you're worried b/c they aren't crazy, then you probably just worry too much. So if you're having fun and the person seems like a nice guy, just go with the flow. Don't freak out b/c nothing has gone wrong yet. Sometimes if you're lucky, they won't!

We can't predict what will happen in the future. I mean, you could be with perfect* person and later they have a brain thing that changes their personality. You can't know what will happen. So if you like them for who they are now, that's all you can really ask for. We geeks like to plan but you can't plan for everything...unless you're Batman, in which case, go ahead.


So in conclusion, don't break up with someone b/c you might see the crazy eyes in the future. Only dump someone for something they actually did. I heard some story about girls who got mad at their boyfriends b/c of something they did in a dream. That's nuts, don't be that person.

Last thought, remember how crappy it was in Minority Report? That's all I have to say.

*There is no such thing as the perfect person. Don't delude yourself.

Non-Negotiable Social Requirements

Otherwise known as social skills. The classic geek will lack even basic social skills and although we tend to be smart, not having social skills can severely hamper our work, school, and personal lives.

Let's talk about the "classic geek". This is the person who can't look people in the eye, won't say hello, doesn't answer or only mumbles answers, can't make small talk, and has issues dealing with "normal" people. Most geeks aren't this bad (hopefully) but I think social geeks end up like Neil Patrick Harris and doing theater or magic and not playing video games in a basement.

Social skills are important. You'll need them to get through school less bullied (too late for most of us), for job interviews and getting along with coworkers and customers, for meeting and dating people, for joining new gaming groups, etc. I think a lot of geeks think that the basic social lubricants like saying hi to people is just a waste of time and technically that's true. The world would not explode if everyone didn't say hi to each other...but I've discovered (since my mom told me) that people will think you're mean if you don't say hi and make small talk occasionally, even if you're not mean but just busy or distracted or shy or hyper rational. Your coworkers and customers don't care if you think saying hi, how are you doing is a waste of time since there's no actual meaning to the words, it's an expected social behavior...like showering. Even if you don't think it's necessary, it is if you want to live among people.

This is a true story, when I first started working at Bank of America I worked in the file facility. I saw the same people everyday and it was not with customers. My mom who also worked for the bank told me that she said that people thought I was not nice and I said why? B/c to me, I didn't do anything wrong, I got to work, I sat at my desk and did my job. She said it was b/c I didn't smile at people in the hallway and say hi to people. I responded, it doesn't matter!! There's no meaning to it! We're just here to do a job! and she said, yeah but you have to work with these people, so just do it. And so I did and even though technically I was no better or worse of an employee, the perception of me was better at work, and that would have been useful if I had wanted to transfer departments or get a job recommendation (instead I got laid out when the entire department was outsourced a couple of years later but that's beside the point).

My fiance has a similar story from when he worked doing IT, a client talked to him and told him basically the same thing...that you have to at least pretend to care about other people and what they think. I will agree that it is a lot more efficient if you could just relate facts about work project instead of having to make small talk, but not all of people are task oriented and some people are people oriented. Here's an article on task versus people oriented-ness. I would hazard a guess that most geeks are task oriented, I know I tend to lean towards task oriented and that used to get me into trouble a lot at work b/c I just want to get shit done and sometimes I forgot that sometimes just throwing jobs at people hurts their feelings.

So totally stealing from that article, here's some tips for how to work with people oriented people.

• 1) Acknowledge their feelings
  While you may “think” your way through problems, recognize that they often “feel” their way through them. They may even “feel” about things that you see as purely factual (money or time for example).
  
  
• 2) Soften your voice tones
  Task oriented people often speak in direct and factual tones. Lighten up. Smile. Relax. Your effort to come across “nicer” will probably help them receive your message more clearly.
  
  
• 3) Exercise patience with them
  If they are heavily slanted towards the people oriented perspective, they may struggle with reaching a decision that impacts other people. Remember that they are probably not trying to irritate you. Most likely, they just don’t want anyone to be offended or hurt by their actions.
  

So far I've covered how social skills are important at work and you could apply that basically to anywhere you have to be, like school. Now let's talk about social skills among personal relationships: dating and friendships.

When you're with friends and let's assume your friends are also geeks, then there is some flexibility in your behavior. They'll probably be used to heated discussions of which Green Lantern is the best (yay Kyle Raynor!) so that's not an issue. But just b/c they're your friends, doesn't mean you can be a total dick to them either. If you're going to get into debates, it's ok to disagree, what kind of debate would it be if you all agreed? Anyhow, the key is to keep it civil and leave personal things out of it. If you debate ends up with personal statements like, "you're stupid," it's gone too far, and it's best to just end the debate/argument before a fist fight starts.

Aside from work (which is very important b/c we all need money except for those independently wealthy types and you guys need to talk to me!) social skills for dating is very important. Again unless you're lucky enough to date another geek, you'll probably need to be able to "pass" for normal long enough to sucker them into thinking that your geeky traits are quirky and cute.

So for dating, make sure to check in on them periodically but don't stalk them by texting every 10 minutes. Ask how their day was, even if you don't care, although really you should. Be empathetic or fake empathy. Don't always try to solve the problem, just listening is good too. Do little things so they know you're thinking of them and that this isn't just some booty call type relationship and that you appreciate them.

Here's the thing to take away from all this, we love geeks--I am a geek, but having the inability to interact with other people can be a huge liability for your social life, friendships and career (trust me on this). Retain your geeky awesomeness but make sure that you at least work your basic social skills in public.

Public Displays of Affection

Imagine this: You've met a super cool person. You've hit it off and you're holding hands and kissing. This is great.

Now imagine like holding hands and kissing at like your D&D games. Maybe it's great for you two but think of the looks of horror coming from your friends. This is where we run into the PDA divide, where your focus is on your new significant other, and ours is on keeping our bile from rising.

(Oh god, that's just not attractive.)
In the beginning of a relationship, it's really easy to get caught up in the smooshy faced romance of it all. You want to be around them all the time, you want to know what they ate for lunch. You want to make out constantly. Again, that's great--for you two. If you don't know how to keep your lovey-doveyness in check, you're going to want to make your friends vomit when you tell them about how cute your new bf/gf's toes are.

If you want to keep your friends during this critical honeymoon period, remember a few things; there are other things in your life to talk about other than your significant other, please also talk those things. Second, keep your PDAs (kisses, hugs, cuddling) discreet and to a minimum. When you're alone, go wild, but in public keep it on the DL, your friends will thank you for it. Third, your friends don't really need to know all the dirty details of your love life. Also, it's a bit trashy to share personal information like that. Some things need to remain a mystery.

This is not to say that we're not disgustingly happy for you, b/c we are. But there is such a thing as too much information, and especially if your friends are not in a relationship or in a bad one, it can make them feel worse about their situation, so also be sensitive to other people's feelings (I know, I'm talking about being sensitive to other people? Shocking!!).

Ok, next week's topic, basic social skills! (b/c some of us just don't have them.)

Internet Stalking*

There is a fine art to internet stalking. The key is to find out information and yet not go so far as to hack their facebook passwords and read their private messages and do illegal bad things. You just want to find out what kind of information is publicity available about the person.

I think I'm actually fairly good at internet stalking...it's the combination of persistence and research skills. So I'm going to share some tips but also tell you why it's good and why it's bad to internet stalk people.

How to find someone if you know their first and last name:
First, start with a basic google search. This should be the beginning of any good internet stalking. We geeks are all familiar with google but play around with the different advanced google search settings. Things like "" are very important and can make a huge difference when searching.

Try common social networking sites to see if they're on it. You can try facebook, myspace (if they're like a weirdo and haven't switched to facebook yet!), or linkedin. A lot of these sites will also include pictures so you can confirm to see if it's the right person. If the picture is of like a dog or a tree, you might look at the friends list and see if it's someone they might know (particularly useful for finding old classmates.)

Other sites you can try are pipl, spokeo, and zabasearch. This is more useful if you want to find out information that's in their public records, places they lived, approximate age, scary scary things like that. Put your own name in and you might be scared at how much info people can find out from the internet...and yeah it might be not be 100% accurate but generally it's accurate enough to be scary.

What to do if you know their email:
You can try to google it of course, but also try social networking sites b/c sometimes you can search by email. Unless they used a different email when signing up.

What to do if you just know what they look like and have a first name:
And yes I totally found someone this way... I had a first name and I knew what they looked like and I knew where they worked and I found them on OkCupid. Granted I knew they were on OkCupid but still, considering OkCupid is not name searchable, disturbing in many ways. I googled the first name and the workplace and found public information that seemed plausible. Approximate age etc. It gave me a last name to search too. But on OkCupid I just put in the age, ethnicity, and probable location and just had to search through maybe 2 or 3 pages of results? Totally creepy and stalkery but it did work.

Anyhow, you can see how the combination of a little bit of information can get you pretty far.

Some of you may be asking, how can I avoid being found on these searches? Well don't put anything on the internet. If you have public facebook, linkedin page or flickr account tied to your actual name, you're that much easier to find. You can use a nickname or pseudonym on social networking so your friends might be able to find you, but be aware that if someone knows a friend of yours, they might be able to track you through them. I was actually found on LiveJournal this way. A friend of mine was googling our mutual friend and she found my account linked to hers! In this case, it was a good thing but you can see how you might not always want people to find you online. A smaller internet presence helps you hide.

You can also avoid buying property or other things that might trigger public records. What's weird is like on spokeo they don't list the house I actually purchased but my parents house. So yeah, not a 100% but still creepy.

I would like to reiterate that it's very important to control your online presence. Google yourself periodically and see what can be found. Make your social networking sites information private and only available to friends. Use alternative emails and names when signing up for things on the internet. This can protect you from stalkers but also for more mundane things like keeping a future employer from seeing photos of your drunken escapades at a bachelor party.

Why Internet Stalking is Good:
B/c as nerds, sometimes we're too shy to find out things from people directly and we want to do some research ahead of time. I know I love doing internet research! But internet stalking is a way to find someone that you might be interested in talking to more but totally couldn't do it at the social event or you just plain forgot to get their contact info. Basically the less work you had to do, the less creepy it is and it's more likely they'll talk to you. Unless of course they're flattered that you did all that work b/c you were interested. It's really a fine line between flattery and disturbing--tread carefully.

Sometimes you also find out useful information...like that bastard is already married! There was a news report about how recently a woman facebooked her husband and discovered that he had gotten married...again! You can also find out if they're drinking when they aren't supposed to (Lindsay Lohan), that the purse full of drugs they said wasn't theirs totally is (Paris Hilton) etc etc. They say they don't have kids but surprise, they totally are crawling with babies in photos.

Why Internet Stalking is Bad:
But again, like with any power, there is responsibility.

You need to not stalk your exes. It doesn't help anybody to find out too much information about your exes and pretty much anything you find out is going to feel like a kick in the gut, especially in the early stages of breaking up.

You should never hack someone's account by trying to guess their passwords or whatever. It's immoral and serves no purpose other than being a jerk. You going to spy on them? Change their information? Make them realize that they do love you? Not going to happen, keep your integrity. Don't do it.

B/c nerds never need more excuses to obsess over things. We examine the minutiae of like everything. I don't think trying to find out what elementary school someone you haven't met went to is going to lend itself to great insight into the viability of your future relationship. Don't over think it, just be chill.

And along those lines, back to over-analyzing. You've spied on someone and you've found incriminating pictures (or information) of them. Dun dun dun! Who's that girl? Whose baby is that? Why does he look really really red in those pictures? Well don't break up with them just yet. We know a lot of people are internet liars, but don't go searching for excuses to ditch the dude. Don't jump to conclusions...that baby could be their niece or friend's kid (if they said they're childless) and that girl could be a sister or cousin or just a friend. That redness could just be a really bad sunburn. The thing about information on the internet, unless you're reading their diary, pictures and such are context-less. You don't know what happened before or after.

So yes, there are benefits and downsides to internet stalking. Use this power wisely and don't get carried away. But I think the most important lesson is to control your own internet information so embarrassing pictures like: don't get spread around the internet.


*When I'm talking about internet stalking, I'm not referring to the creepy illegal kind that warrants a restraining order. I'm talking about stuff that an employer or future date would do to find out what kind of person you are. If you're doing the bad kind, you suck and you make us all look bad and I hope the cops arrest you.

Speed Dating

usually need to pay. or fill out some psyche profile thing if thought a school.

There is always a level of BS in these posts, especially since I'm not an expert on dating or whatever (maybe I'm a nerd expert though) but today's might have an extra special amount of BSing and speculation since the topic is speed dating which I have never done. (I was going to try it for research purposes but I didn't want to spend the money!!)

Why am I writing about something I never tried? B/c someone asked me too and b/c it is an interesting topic and I've read some stuff on it and talked to some friends about their experiences and seen a bunch of examples on tv. Hee!

So here's the breakdown for people who don't know what speed dating is, generally speed dating is broken up into age categories like 20-30, 30-40 etc. When you attend an event there should be at least dozens of people there. When the dates start, women usually sit in a row and men rotate every 5-8 minutes (the amount of time depends on the venue). In those 5-8 minutes or so, you are expected to introduce basic information and essentially gauge your interest in meeting this person again. You mark yes or no next to their name on a card. If you both have marked yes, at the end of the event, the organizers will share your contact info.

Sounds like a good way to meet a lot of potential dates right? Yes and no. I think that for geeks, speed dating isn't a great way for us to find potential dating partners. Most of the time, we aren't impressive in first impressions and speed dating is all about first impressions. Our strength lies in the fact that we're good people and that takes a while to become evident. Also part of first impressions is being really good looking (again think of Chase from that episode of House). Not that we're bad looking, I'm just saying that geek shirts and pale skin from being indoors isn't necessarily prized.

I think that online dating is probably a better venue for us since it provides us time to put up better photos of ourselves and we have more time to think about responses rather than being super witty on the fly. And for people who are more introverted and used to communicating electronically, meeting people online can be more comforting.

I don't think speed dating is necessarily cheaper than online dating either. I've heard there are free speed dating things at universities sometimes. In exchange for the event, you have to fill out a survey or something. And I've heard that a library in southern Orange County also hosted a free speed dating event too about a year ago, but when I did some research to possibly attend an event, it looked like most places charge about $35 to register for an event.

So in my opinion, I think save your $35 and stay home from speed dating. Unless you're outgoing with good social skills and pretty good looking, I think that speed dating is not an effective way for geeks to meet people.

Don't Keep Dating Bums

This is a sad sad situation that I see all too often, people who stay with obviously bummish partners. If you're partner is a bum, you need to dump 'em and find someone who is worthy of you! Geeks, just b/c you are a geek doesn't mean bums should be tolerated. Quirky and nerdy is NOT the same as being a bum.

*I'm totally going to use the grammatically incorrect "they" instead of he/she etc b/c it's just too bulky. We need some non gender specific pronouns in English!
**Note, also English grammar isn't not a forte (I'm sure you've noticed this already) so if the above statement is incorrect, shut up b/c you know what I mean. :P

How to spot a bum:
Bums can be spotted b/c they generally share a couple of traits.
1) They are generally chronically unemployed or underemployed. The exception to this is that now b/c of the economy it is hard for people to find and keep good jobs, so if they were just laid off but before they had decent jobs that doesn't count. I'm talking about people who have never worked full time or always complain about how crappy and mean their bosses are right before they get fired for being lazy and incompetent.

2) Their mom still does their laundry (or housekeeping or grocery shopping or they still live at home and mom does everything for them). Yeah it's great having someone take care of you, but if they're an adult, they need to learn to do these things on their own. B/c if they don't learn, it's going to be you cleaning up after them in the future and that sucks ass.

3) You end up paying for everything. And I mean everything, food, movies, their rent. It's related to chronic joblessness but there are bums that work (even if it's a crap job) and they still seem to never have any money. I mean they have enough money to buy a vintage guitar that they can't play but they don't have the money for groceries. Basically being super irresponsible with money and credit is a bum quality.

4) They hate all of your friends and family and the feeling is mutual. This is a big deal. I mean sometimes your friends and family will be weird and not like someone for no reason but if EVERYBODY can't stand the guy, that's a problem. It's not all jealousy. It's probably b/c he/she treats you like crap and badmouths you constantly. Same goes for if they badmouth your friends all the time, obviously everyone sucks but they are pure awesome. (yeah right.)

5) They can't seem to finish what they start. People who have lots of awesome ideas but don't do anything about them and complain about why the world is so unfair to them or people who have been in community college for 10 years b/c "the class I need is always full." These are just symptoms of their larger problem which is bummishness. They can't finish anything b/c they're unmotivated and when things go wrong it's not b/c they didn't register for class on time after oversleeping, it's always the system and someone trying to mess up their life.

To sum up, what makes a bum? Callousness, disrespect for other people, and a lack of responsibly for anything in their life.

The ways in which they ruin our lives:
1) Sucking us dry of our money, energy, friendships, happiness.

2) Causing rifts between you and your friends and family.

Why do we stay with bums?

1) Because we're lonely and we think we can't do better. Maybe you haven't dated in a while and they happen to want you. Well technically they just want a wallet and a couch, it just so happens you're willing to supply both. Bums don't improve your self esteem, you're so much better than that. It's better to be single and happy than raising a man-child.

2) Co-dependency. Now this is a real psychology thing which I'm not qualified to discuss but I think that some people will cling to anybody b/c they can't bare to be alone. Please get help, you'll be happier in the long run.

3) B/c you've been with them forever and you love each other. Staying together b/c you've been together a long time is like a circular and non-logical argument. I say it's better to cut your losses and get out of there instead of wasting your youth, money, and energy on crappy people.

4) B/c they need your help. Dude, you do not need to be a white knight. You are not saving them. They can't be saved b/c they don't want to be saved. They're just using you and your foolish gallantry. Bums aren't people who've fallen on hard times, they generate their own problems, so you save yourself and move on. This also goes for people who think they can reform bums. Why would a bum reform when they can keep behaving like they are and get everything they want? It's stupid. You can't change people if they don't want to change. Quit kidding yourself.

How can friends intervene?
This is very tricky grounds. If your friend is the bum there isn't a lot you can do. I mean b/c if you try to warn the other person, they're going to think you're backstabbing them...well b/c you kinda are, no matter how much they might deserve it.
If your friend is dating a bum, you can try talking to them but likely they're going to be irrational and not do anything about it even though they probably complain constantly. I've tried staging interventions (we did everything but the sign!) and that didn't even work. So tread very carefully in this arena.

Summation:
Being a bum is a non discriminatory problem. Geeks, jocks, goths, emo-kids, popular people can all be bums (probably there are more bum stoner-types and less bum overachievers though.) Just b/c someone plays Magic or watching anime does not qualify them as a bum. Being all of the above while watching anime and spending all their money on Magic cards does make them a bum.

So don't date bums, and if you're dating a bum, stop dating them. Go and find someone not crappy b/c you're better than that.
(same goes for crazy girls, don't stay with the crazy girls!!!!)

Friendship after dating

I've been watching Big Bang Theory on DVD and just like real people, Penny and Leonard have to deal with life after dating.

Breaking up as was discussed in an early post sucks. Breaking up and having to see each other still can suck even more, but here's some tips to hopefully make that situation a little less awkward.

First thing is to give each other space. If you have invested a lot of emotion into this relationship, you need time to process the breakup. For friend groups, just hang out with other friends for a while. Don't push hanging out again too soon, it's just not going to help your roiling emotions. If your friends want you both to hang out with them and you're not ready for it, tell your friend they need to give you time and if they can't, your friend is a douche b/c they're not doing anybody a favor.

When you do meet up again, don't make it like dates. Don't go hiking together alone. Why would you do that?! Go in a group so you have other people to talk to. And you don't have to chatty buddies with your ex, but if you're ready, you can talk to them, just avoid conversation topics that are too personal or too emotional. It's really not the time to discuss why your ex is a bastard.

Don't smear your ex's name to all of your mutual friends. Maybe non-mutual friends is ok. But bashing your ex to your mutual friends puts them in a awkward position where they feel they will have to pick sides and if they remain neutral, you're going to think they're being unsympathetic. I'm sure they feel bad for you both, so don't make them pick sides b/c honestly, they might not pick you.

If you work together, keep it professional. You don't have to be best work friends or anything but unless one of you is planning on changing jobs or departments, you will need to learn to work together. Don't avoid needed communication, if you're adult enough to be in a relationship you should be adult enough to handle talking to your ex about something job related.

If you're in a gaming group with your ex, don't flirting with your other gamer friends. It's just not cool, and again, increases weirdness. I think treat your gaming group like if you working with the person, do what you have to get the mission completed. If one of you is a GM though, be careful that there isn't any unfairness created. Just like they shouldn't play favorites when you were dating, they shouldn't be dumping on your character b/c you've broken up.

All of these things might take time and if your ex isn't cooperating that won't help but if both of you are committed to being friends after, it is possible. Except it hasn't worked for me. :P

A list of other things that won't help:
Sending nasty emails.
Angry post break up sex.
Bringing up old arguments.
Dragging along brand new dates to meet ups.

So let me know how it goes and see if it works better than it has for me! :P Of course I'm of the mind that you really don't have to be friends with your exes either.

How NOT to Impress the Ladies

This is going to be a list of things that have either been said to me or to friends of mine. They aren't good conversation starters...but are a great way to kill one.

Seriously, I'm not making this crap up. So yeah I know this puts a lot of pressure on you guys to come up with something clever, but offensive is not the same thing as clever.

These are from actual situations:

• I don't want you to think I'm being a dirty old man but do you want to want to get coffee and talk? (He was easily 25-30 years older than me.)
  
  
• Are you married/Do you have a boyfriend? (as a conversation starter.)
  
  
• What are you? (when they mean, what's your ethnicity?)
  
  
• What's wrong with ___ (fill in with body part)?
  
  
• Mention masturbating special ed kids.
  
  
• *stares awkwardly* Do you really play D&D? Noo...nooooo, no way!
  
  
• Hey, you have boobs!
  
  
• Your butt looks hawt in those pants.
  
  
• Can I see your underwear? (While dressed I was a teenaged anime character.)
  
  
• And the even more offensive than the previous ones, "I want to violate you," which was said to another librarian, not someone I know personally, but horrible anyhow.
  

What do most of these have in common? They tend to point out body parts and talk about sex. Also if you have to start a conversation with a caveat, that's bad, "Like, I look like a serial killer but I'm really a nice guy." These things are not going to win you any brownie points.

Here's the deal, if you don't look like Chase from the tv show House, you are going to have to be more respectful and tactful in order to get women to respond to you in a positive way.

I think it's important for guys to remember that getting hit on is often not fun for women. I think guys think that it'd be great if women hit on you...that's it's flattering, but it's not, especially if it's something disturbingly sexual like the ones I posted above. We generally don't want to be thought of as meat and especially if we're working, flirting is not really on our minds. Clubs might be a different thing, but when I'm at work, I'm here to do my job, not fend off weirdos.

Follow up to OkCupid's Lame-ness

Last week I posted about OkCupid and their new system of only matching you with people in your hotness zone, either you're hotter than average and will get matched with the same or you're below average etc. (What do average people do??)

I didn't have time to elaborate further so I'm using this week to talk about "attractiveness" and its ramifications in geek dating.

Nerds sometimes have interesting definitions of attractiveness. A lot of guys I know will like an actress more b/c she kicks a lot of butt on a tv show even though she might not be classically pretty (example Starbuck on BSG or Cameron on Sarah Conner Chronicles). I've also heard a lot of geeks who like "cute". Not to say geeks don't like normal "hot" celebrities like Megan Fox (ugh, bleh!) or anything but I'm just saying, people who aren't teenage boys can also find other qualities that make someone attractive. Those cannot be rated by a photo.

Ok, enough ranting about how geeks are weird. :) Ok, actual info that could be useful to someone out there somewhere.

Now we know that attractive is subjective and that people will find different things attractive. A person can be considered more attractive b/c of their awesome personality, style, confidence, or sense of humor. These other things attract their brain and not just organs down below.

Also, don't get too hung up on someone else's looks. You probably shouldn't be repulsed by someone you're trying to date but being all weirded out b/c they've got crooked teeth or kinda bad skin is pretty shallow and honestly, no one is perfect, all have flaws, either internal, external, or mental. And remember, beauty fades but bitchiness lasts forever.

Here's a couple of ideas on how to improve your "attractiveness":

• Improved grooming - yes this is a physical thing but really no one likes stinky.
  
• Find a style that works for you - you don't have to look like an abercrombie and finch model or anything but find a style that suits your personality and bodyshape and rock it. If you have no idea how to dress, find a friend who dresses like how you'd like to look and have them help you shop.
  
• Confidence - confidence goes a long way in making someone attractive. This is a hard one for us geeks but it's important to remember that you're a cool person too and they should appreciate you. Do some daily affirmations or something if you need it. :)
  
• Work on social skills - a geek with social skills is a find indeed. Be one of those finds--practice your social skills!
  

And then f*ck OkCupid and their click based attractiveness rating. If we wanted to be judged, we'd be trying to join the elitist Beautiful People dating website. Be yourself, be confident, and be happy b/c that's real attractiveness.

hotties only date hotties?

Well this means doom for us nerds then. :P
But this post is regarding a new development on OkCupid, a free online dating website. Apparently as of this summer some people were lucky enough to receive an email telling you that according to the number of click throughs that you were in the top 50% of attractive people on OkCupid. As part of this elite group you were going to get matched with only other people in the top 50% of people.
Frankly, I'm rather insulted by this.
First I didn't get that email(!) and second b/c I think it's shallow to get matched by attractiveness. Yeah, we know that anecdotally usually people date within their own attractiveness levels but what about all those rich tech nerds who end up with model trophy wives? How will they meet now?
Article here at the Huffington Post.
I guess they'll have to contact the Millionaire Matchmaker...although she doesn't seem to be able to follow her own rules...
Anyhow, I'll try to do a follow up post on this topic at some point in the future.

Welcome to Dumpsville--population, you (part 2)

Ok, here's the second part regarding the act of dumpage. Last week's post described being on the receving end, this week's will about being the dumper and how to do in the least douchey way possible...or you can totally do the opposite and go balls out douchetastic!

First and foremost, breaking up with someone should never be done on a whim. As I've said in earlier posts, it's hard to find good partners, and of course no one is perfect, so don't start thinking of breaking up b/c he leaves his socks on the floor, but do for serious infractions like they're abusive in anyway, long time goals don't align with yours (example, he wants kids and you don't), or serious things like they cheated on you. Some things are important, some things are less important and they'll be slightly different for each person but breaking up should never be taken lightly. Think about it a lot.

Now what if they're only mostly crappy but not downright awful? Well that's when the decision-making becomes more tricky. You have to weigh the good and the bad of the relationship. If everytime you see each other you have the world's worst arguments...then maybe that's a lot of bad. If you only fight sometimes and you know what triggers it, maybe that's something that can be worked out. But a caveat here, don't stay for the sex or b/c you're lonely or b/c you need someone to take to the wedding next month. You stay in a relationship b/c it makes you happy and it's healthy, not to keep up appearances for your friends or for your libido.

I am mixed about asking your friends if you should break up with the person or not. Friends can be really weird about stuff like this. If you have a friend who is known for being very truthful you could ask them but don't ask a friend who always just tells you want you want to hear, b/c that isn't helping anybody. But if you do talk about it and 20 of your friends say nay and one says yay, you gotta wonder about the one outlier.

So by now you've totally thought about the entire process. You've used your giant nerd analysation powers and make lists and charts and graphs and you're going to do it. Now how do you do it gracefully?

Avoid the temptation to do it electronically. I know we love our tech but texting someone or changing your facebook status is a lame way to tell someone you're breaking up. If you were in any way serious, you need to do it in person. And maybe if you're super chicken you can do it over the phone but text is just really cowardly.

Make a list of reasons why you're doing it. Maybe they'll want justification (although you don't necessarily need to tell them why) or maybe you'll need strength in reminding yourself why it needs to be done, but a list is a good way of making helping you make decisions. Do a pro/con list.

Try not to get in a fight over a breakup. In the first episode of the British TV show Coupling, the main guy Steve tries to break up with his girlfriend Jane, b/c frankly, she's nuts.

Just b/c I love the show, here's the scene:

"Steve: ... But this time, Jane, I'm gonna put it very, very simply: It's over between us.
Jane: You want us to split up?
Steve: Yes! Oh yes, I do.
Jane: I don't accept.
Steve: What?
Jane: I don't accept it.
Steve: No no, you can't not accept it! I'm breaking up with you."

The moral of that scene is, really they can't take no for an answer. Dating is a mutually decided upon act, if one doesn't agree, it's not dating--that's why internet stalking is not considered dating. Also keep it civil, no name calling even if they totally sucked b/c you know why, we're keeping it classy San Diego.

No break up sex. B/c that's just messy for everyone involved and I just don't want those kind of mental images.

Choose your time and location wisely. So don't break up with them in their favorite restaurant or on their birthday or if they're mom just died. B/c especially if they don't know it's coming, they're going to have a lot of extra bad connotations associated with you and the breakup and that memory. Give them a couple of days if it's a bad time but if you keep putting it off b/c it's always a bad time, you're going to have to bite the bullet and do it regardless of timing. B/c you can't stay with someone b/c they're constantly having a disaster.

Don't be a jerk to force them to break up with you. I think I talked about that earlier--b/c that's a really shitty thing to do (you hear me second ex-bf?) Be a man, even if you're not a man, be a man and own up to it. If you're unhappy, don't ignore them or start treating them badly b/c you don't have the balls to do the breaking up yourself, b/c yeah, you're not sparing anyone's feelings.

I dunno if I like the whole, "it's not you it's me speech." B/c honestly, sometimes it really is just them. And since I'm a fan of honesty, maybe they should know why they suck, but that could be construed as petty. I put this as up to you, b/c it depends on what kind of person you are and what kind of relationship you had and if you can tell someone they were soooo smelly but like in a nice way.

Don't try to be friends afterwards. Certainly not right away. B/c you're going to end up all confused again and try to get back together and that's just bad. You need time apart. If you had mutual friends you can keep them as long as you both respect boundaries and don't bombard them with rants or depressed stories about your ex. It's not cool. Find other friends for that purpose but don't put them in the middle and force them to choose.

So to recap if you want to be a jerk:
1) break up with on a whim
2) stay with someone for the wrong reasons
3) let me know they've been dumped via facebook or text message.
4) tell them on their birthday
5) read them a list of all the transgressions they've done.
6) have some angry break up sex.
7) call them the next day to hang out.
8) bitch to all your joint friends about how crappy they were.
9) or just ignore them.

Welcome to Dumpsville--population, you.

This is the first of a two part segment on the dumping, breaking up, splitsville, taking a hike, and "it's not you, it's me".

First part, dealing with dumpage.

Being on the receiving end of a breakup sucks. That's why so many movies and books and songs are made about breakups. Actually all breaking up sucks but here's why being on the receiving end specifically sucks.

You might not have known it was coming. Sure the relationship was crap and you were fighting all the time, but you were in love right? RIGHT?!? Unfortunately you were given the old heave ho and now you're just blowing in the wind. When you don't know it's coming, you won't have an exit strategy, it's like getting kicked in the groin, it's going to hurt either way, but at least you can prepare if you see the foot coming.

You probably won't have closure. Especially if the relationship ends abruptly, you might not know what when wrong. For nerds this could be a particular problem b/c we aren't great at reading the signs of trouble in a relationship. If you were dumped via email or text or chat, you're probably also going to get less closure. If the break up occurs in person, there may be some kind of explanation but when they do it via electronics, it's probably b/c they don't want to talk to you and explain that, "no, they really don't like monty python."

Ok, I'm sure there are more reasons why being dumped sucks but you get the idea.
Now how to deal with it.

Cry it out. Or mope or eat cookies and ice cream. Watch cheesy movies. Hang out with your best friends and make them listen to your depression. Then move on. You can't spend the rest of your life moping over this person. Even if they were the most perfect, bestest, person in the whole wide world...move on. You know why? B/c they did. Go and do the things you couldn't do when you were dating, go and play WoW everyday after work in your underwear, stay out all night with your friends and not have to check in, fart in bed. (Man, I'm starting to miss single life after all this talk! j/k honey!)

Don't internet stalk them or stalk them in general. I know there is a temptation to stalk your ex. Don't do this. If you know any of their passwords, don't use them. Don't log into their facebook and read their messages. Whatever you read isn't going to make you get back together or make you feel any better. So just don't do it. Take the high road here. A corrolary here, if you have any of your ex's friends or family's number or know where they live, don't bug them about it. Ultimately, it's your ex's decision and bugging them isn't going to get him/her to change their mind.

Don't try to wheedle you way back into a relationship with the person. They broke up with you for a reason. Maybe you think it's a stupid reason, and it may legitimately be a stupid reason but still, it's done. Pleading isn't going to win you any brownie points, keep your dignity. And if they're just doing this for a game or to prove a point, do you want to be with someone who does this kind of thing?

You should also return personal items that they have left with you. If you were living together, don't throw all their stuff on the street. While they might have been a douche, being a douche back isn't going to make things easier. Put all their stuff into a box and have them pick it up/drop it off if you're both ok with that, otherwise get a good friend make the delivery for you. Things that were gifts you can keep if you want to. If it's too painful right now, but valuable, put it away and maybe later you'll be ok with it. I would avoid doing things like cutting them out of all your pictures...b/c even if things were rough, they were a part of your life, and if you ignore things, you won't learn from them. Hang onto those pictures but put them away. Maybe in the future you can laugh about it. The danger of hanging onto things is like in How I Met Your Mother. A lot of the stuff around Ted's apartment were from exes, and he hung onto them like a shield. You shouldn't do that. If you got a plushie as a birthday gift, if you like it, keep it, but if you only keep it b/c it's from them, you can't keep that item around.

Like I've said before, use this as an opportunity to learn. Evaluate, and adapt. Also, figure out who you are as a single person, especially if you've been together for a while.

Don't jump into another relationship right away. I don't think there is a magic formula for when you should date again. It's not a set amount of time, it's where you are emotionally. If you're still butt hurt over the break up, you're not ready. If you've figured out who you are and you're happy being a single person again, then buy all means start dating again. But people who continually jump from relationship to relationship are just seeking chaos.

Ok, I guess that's my main thoughts on being on the dumping side. I've seen a lot of it happen to people I know, b/c unfortunately (fortunately?) most of my experience is from the dumper side, which is what I'll focus on next week. I'll share you with my tips on how to be not a jerk when breaking up with someone...of course I think I failed most of the time, but hey, you learn from your mistakes right?

Moving Beyond Your Past

We all make mistakes. In fact I think I've made more mistakes than right choices sometimes. However, there is one thing I do right and that is, I try not to make the same mistakes twice. Key word here, TRY.

So here's a classic scenario which isn't even limited to nerds, it strikes all types of people. Person goes out with someone, they turn out to be nutso and a half. After one billion years, they break up (doesn't really matter who did the dumping in this scenario). Then after an undisclosed amount of time, the person starts dating another person...and this person is a wackjob just like the crazy ex!

What happened here? The person did not learn from their mistakes. After a break up, it's important to evaluate the relationship and the ups and downs honestly. And after you figure out what you liked and didn't like, try to find someone who has qualities you like and doesn't have the ones that drive you nuts. This should be a pretty reasonable simple thing, but dude, sooooo many people keep dating the same kind of crazy person (girl) over and over and over.

I at least learned that I was attracted to sarcastic jerks...and that while I thought they were hilarious, it wasn't good for a stable healthy relationship. So I made sure to not date jerks. It's that easy! Although sometimes it takes a while to realise someone is bad, once you do, don't keep tossing your energy, time, money, youth at them, go find someone else!

A couple other things to remember; dating an ex is possibly worse than continuing to date the same type of crazy person...b/c you're dating exactly the same crazy person you were before. What did you think would happen the second time? Unless they miraculously completely changed, I think going back is bad idea. Why did you break up in the first place? If it wasn't something like, we were young and her family moved, but something like she cheated on me, then you have to think about whether the past is going to predict the future. I think a lot of of people get back with exes b/c they're lonely and when they think about their ex, they're just remembering the happy times they had...well yeah, except there were a ton of craptacular times too, so pull off the rosecolored glass/beer goggles. It's not going to be a less bumpy ride this time.

Celebrity examples of getting back with an ex, Elizabeth Taylor who married the same guy twice and divorced him twice. Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, Amy Winehouse (dude, she's a trainwreck), Eminem, the list goes on. What does this list tell us, that people who get back with their exes are nuts. I mean people are nuts for other reason but this is a good one. None of these celebrities are known for their healthy (or sober) behavior.

Also, learn from others. Look at your friends and see how their relationships are...or if they're single, maybe think about why they're single. Probably don't tell them why you think they're single b/c they'll think you're a douchebag but if you don't care like me, tell them anyways. :P You don't personally have to make every mistake. If you friend dates a jerk who calls her names, don't chat up the guy in your office who calls other people names, (b/c he can be a jerk other people names, he's capable of being a jerk to you). You don't have to date a jerk to know one.

There is a quote, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results each time. That's crazy. A bird pecks at a button, and each time food comes out, but then to suddenly expect water to come out the next time would be nuts. Things don't work that way. If you keep dating crazy party girls, expect them to be crazy and party. If you date a homebody, they're going to want to stay at home. You date emotionally unstable people, your relationship is going to be unstable. You keep cheating on your partners, you're going to get dumped repeatedly...or punched in the crotch.

Have I repeated myself enough times by now??? Quit making the same stupid mistakes over and over. Fin.

Does age matter?

How young is too young? How old is too old?

Let me say right off that unless you’re 18 or younger, girls or boys under 18 are not allowable. Even in Scott Pilgrim, when he dates a high schooler and they didn’t even do anything, it was still wrong in so many ways, so avoid high schoolers and younger…and if you’re not sure how old someone is ask, and possibly check IDs b/c I don’t think, “she looked over 18!” is a valid legal defense.

But assuming she’s over 18, how young is too young? I’ve heard from a lot of guys that dating an 18 year old is always ok. I’ve heard of the “divide your age in half and add seven” rule. Here’s some examples of that for the mathematically challenged. If you’re 18, 18 divided by 2 is 9 plus 7 is 16. So that’s like a senior dating a sophomore…kinda wrong but not horrible. If you’re 30, 30 divided by 2 plus 7 is 22, which seems ok ish too. It starts breaking down when the guy gets really old. If the guy is 60, 60 divided by 2 is 30, plus 7 is 37? How many 37 year olds want to date guys in their 60s? I’ll discuss that problem later…but overall, I guess the half plus 7 rule works decently as a general guideline.

Things that modify the rules:

If you or the other person has kids, realize that if they’re a decent parent, they’re going to be on a different wave length than you maturity/responsibility wise. You can be super responsible for a single dude, but it’s nothing like having to wake up in the middle of the night to a puking kid and having to deal with that.

If you have similar interests that can help bridge large age differences. So they’re old Trek and you’re new Trek, your shared love of phasers and teleportation and pointy ears can give you common ground and things to talk about and debate over. New Spock vs. Old Spock!

Have they started their career yet? Be aware of someone that’s still in school when you start dating b/c people change a lot in college and just after. It’s a huge transition period and a lot of couples I know that dated in high school or in college broke up soon after graduation. I’m not saying all will, I’m just saying that you will want to take that into consideration if you’re looking for a long term relationship. Also b/c who knows where their future career will take them. And long distance relationships are the pits.

Do you/will they want kids? Kids are a huge deal to many people and are often dealbreakers. If you’re 35 and you’re dating a 20 year old (out of the range!) are they going to want to have children right away? Do you? If they don’t want to have kids til after they’ve established their career which could be like 5 years, do you want to be a first time parent at 40? I dunno, it’s your decision but don’t take choices like that lightly. Now also lets look at the opposite, when the lady is getting older. If you’re dead set on having biological children and your lady is over 40, you might have to get realistic, b/c it becomes much more difficult to have children and there are increased health risks as women age. I know movie stars do it all the time, but who knows what the processes they went through to get there and they’re like crazy healthy people who drink nothing but green power smoothies all the time and jog endlessly, and generally geeks are like couch potatoes who drink a lot of mountain dew. We’re not at quite the same level. A 40 year old celebrity (if they don’t load up on the drugs) is like a 25 year old nerd healthwise.

How old do you act? Some people are old souls and some are young souls. My mom is old enough to have retired but she has more energy than a lot of 20 year olds I know. I know people in high school who are already world wary. Someone who’s very mature could date someone who’s more of a young spirit even if there was a big age gap.

But lets get realistic. We’re geeks. We aren’t going to be 70 and still get to date blonde twins like Hugh Hefner. Maybe as we age, we need to be realistic about our expectations. No body ever wants to think that they’re old but certainly other people start thinking of us in that way. So if you’re 45, and you still want children, does a 30 year old want to date you? Yeah you might be financially stable but if you were conceive that child instantly, you’re still going to be eligible to withdraw social security (assuming it’s still around by then) by the time your first child is heading to college. Does your spouse want potentially to be a widow for 20 years? (assuming there’s a 15 year age cap and the average life expectancy in the US is 75 for men and 80 for women)

Another thing to consider is if one of you starts acting like a parent to the other person. You need a partner, not a parent. This seems like common sense to me. Do I need to elaborate?

Ultimately, I’m not saying, you have to date people your own age, or even people around your own age. What I’m saying is think about what you really need to be happy and if that’s realistic. Could you be happy adopting or having no children? Waiting several years to get married? Dating someone with children, even adult children? Unfortunately not everything turns out the way we plan, but the key is to decide on some core needs and don’t worry about the rest so much.

(Oh, why am I thinking about age?? b/c I just had a birthday and I've officially become an old lady! hahaha! T_T)

Ugh, hoarding

Do you know why there was no blog post this past week? B/c I've been moving and cleaning and other horrible things. And when you're an obsessive collector and a librarian you have boxes and boxes of books and toys and other stuff to pack, move, then unpack.

Learn from my folly. Don't hoard, unless you plan on never moving again.

Effective Communication (aka, don't be a spaz)

Another trademark of geekism is the general lack of ability to interact with people and especially people you might be attracted to--unless they're online and then for some reason geeks can talk. Weird. Anyhow, so here's some tips on more effective male to female communication.

Treat women like people. Sometimes guy geeks have no problems talking to their buddies and then when a girl walks in the room, it's like silence...girls are people too. It's ok to talk around them, it's ok to talk to them.

Don't be a spaz when you talk to them. This is easier said that done, as spazziness has probably effected us all, especially if the other person is cute. Just try not to get to excited or jittery and that should help with the shakes. Probably some practice might be nice, so if see if you have any friends that know girls that you can practice with. Hopefully ones that you aren't interested in and are relatively normal.

To avoid the "Friend Zone" (see previous post regarding the dangers) don't treat them like one of the guys. Don't fart, burp, scratch your ass, or say really crude and sexist things around them. I'm not saying that girls are made of glass and need to be protected, I'm just saying that if you treat them like one of the guys, they aren't going to necessarily see you as future dating material.

Expanding on the friend zone idea, also don't be a jerk in general.


Don't be sleazy when you talking to women. Think of Howard from Big Bang Theory, normal women don't like him b/c he's slimey. We don't want slimey men. I

When you're talking to women, it's not dumbing it down, it's that you should talk about things they know. So if they know video games talk video games, if they're a Star Wars fan talk Boba Fett but if they start getting a glazed look in the eye from your treatise on how the replicants are a huge analogy for slavery (DUH!) then move on! But if she don't know about the topic but seems genuinely interested then go ahead and tell her about it, b/c maybe you'll convert her! :)

Here's an important point, just b/c you talk to a girl semi-regularly, or even regularly does not mean you are dating. It does not mean that she likes you in a potential boyfriend way. She might like you, but talking does not equal liking.

So here's to using more effective communication techniques in the future! Huzzah!

The Friend Zone

Related to the "I'm going to pretend to be your friend but I really want to date you thing" is the Friend Zone. A lot of geek guys get shut out b/c they are automatically placed into the friend zone, which is the piece of the brain where the girl can only ever think of you as a friend or worse, as family.

So while it's bad for guys to pretend to be friends b/c it's deceitful, it's bad for guys to do it b/c that girl has probably already decided that she doesn't think of you in that way and to date you would just be "wrong".

How do you know you're in the friend zone?
*She tells you about the other guys she's interested in and/or dating.
*She says she loves you or cares about you like a brother.
*She tries to set you up with other girls she knows.
*She invites you to hang out with all of her other girlfriends.
Is this you? Then you're stuck in the friend zone.

There isn't a great way to escape from it. Jumping from friend zone to boyfriend territory is a dangerous proposition b/c oftentimes the girl will get freaked out and will just start avoiding you in general. It's just really awkward.

I think the best technique is to just not get boxed in as a friend. I mean be friendly but don't become "one of the girls" b/c that's probably not going to lead to dating.

If you're in the friend zone and want to escape without falling into the pit of doom...huh, I don't have good advice for this. I think date other people if you can, don't wait around for them to fall in love with you b/c they might realise that you're awesome but they also might never realise it. And you don't want to waste your time for something that might never happen. Be the supportive, cool friend you are, but don't do girly things with them like make up shopping b/c that reaffirms the friend zone, non-sexual thing. But maybe make the best of it and just have an awesome friendship. The super authoritative wikipedia cites a statistic from Cosmo that says 71% of women want to fall in love with a friend... but you know, I think they're thinking of an idealized friend like in My Best Friends Wedding or like a Ross/Rachel situation. I wouldn't count on it.

For more information, look up ladder theory.

Let's Be Friends, But Really I Want to Get In Your Pants

Geek guys don't meet girls the same way most guys meet girls... we don't have the ability to be suave and just walk up to girls and ask them out. We tend to be too shy, too socially awkward to do that. But we are good at being friends. Or at least pretending to be friends b/c you really want to date them.

We've all seen it before, there's a new person at work/school/in your club and she's single, nice, and breathing, therefore you're interested in her. You send her some I Can Has Cheezeburger pictures, and go to lunch a couple of times. You hang out occasionally, perhaps in a group or just alone, but only as buddies. But you're lying to her, b/c you don't want to be buddies, you want to date her. What then happens is the worst thing ever b/c for whatever reason, she can't/won't date you. And then you drop her like someone just put a big piece of poop in your hands. Obviously, she's probably going to be pretty upset b/c she realises that you never wanted to be her friend, just trying to pull a fast one on her.

Now if she hasn't been pulling a "fake boyfriend" on you, what you've done just now, is you done her wrong. You acted like her friend, and b/c she's not sexually interested in you, you move onto the next target. She thought you guys were friends, she treated you like a real friend. Friends don't do that to each other. It's dishonest and douchey. She likes you as a person and by now ignoring her, you make it clear that you weren't interested in her as a person or a friend, only as a goal.

Now before a bunch of guys start rioting and saying I'm not being fair, let's take dating out of the equation and use another version of this story.
There's a new guy at work, he's cool, funny guy and he's got a really cool car. You make friends with him b/c you want to borrow his car later. You guys hang out, watch movies together, have some beers together but only b/c you want him to think you're cool so you can borrow his car. Later you ask him if he can borrow you car, he says no. You stop hanging out with him. In what ways have you not been douchetastic? What you're doing here is being nice to someone under false pretenses. You have no intention of being their friend. You want something from them. This is wrong. We've all learning in kindergarten that lying is bad, and straight up, this is lying.

If you want to get to know someone better, that's cool, do that. Hang out with them. And if you ask them out and they say no, you don't have to be their best friend, but don't ignore them, don't act like you don't know that person. B/c your goal should be to get to know people, and if they get to know you and like you back in a bf/gf kind of way, awesome. But sometimes they'll just like you as a friend and that should be ok too. Be their friend, don't be the douche.

And not like the guy I'm writing this response to will ever read this but dude, doing this (what I've been writing about) and then immediately moving onto the next single girl at work is really in poor form. Plus they're going to talk to each other and you're going to totally build a reputation for being a jerk.

Wow, I'm like super mad about this topic...I guess b/c I have a ton of guy friends and if this happened to me I'd be soooo hurt. Ok, I just talked to some friends about this situation and they said it's pretty ass behavior. My friend added that guys who do stuff like this tend to say, "What have I been doing wrong? I'm always so nice to these girls and they don't like me." Well technically you're not being nice, you're only pretending to be nice and there's a big difference between being nice and pretending.

Time Management

When you're just starting a relationship, you're all excited, and you generally want to spend every waking moment with that person. Your friends hate how cute and clingy you are. This is normal. It's a typical honeymoon phase but eventually reality sets in and you start wondering if all that clinginess is normal.

Well it depends on the couple. Some couples just do everything together, they go grocery shopping together, they visit friends as a couple, they give each other welcome back hugs when they come back from the restroom. These are cute annoying people and as long as both of them are fine with this, then there is nothing wrong as long as you don't drive your friends nuts. A classic tv example of this type of couple is Lily and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother. They want to know everything that the other person did, and they want to do everything together. This arrangement works for them. It would not work for me...I dunno if I'd want to spend24/7 with anybody, except maybe for my dog. :P

But problems can occur when one person wants to cling and the other wants alone time or like a "boy's/girl's night out". At no time is this more annoying when you're playing D&D and the other person keeps calling during the game. They know where you are and what you're doing, but they didn't want to come to the game, but instead want to call every hour or so. I think this is an excellent example of why boundaries need to be established in a relationship. Boundaries are important. (My one boundary with my parents, don't bother me in the bathroom. See, important!) If it is known that a set amount of time is going to be dedicated to an event, I think it's fair to not have to check in constantly during that time. If time runs over and you're massively late, then definitely call and let the other person know but this should be a time for both of you to enjoy your away time. Also having to check in constantly (esp if the other person isn't like home sick or anything) will just result in your friends making a lot whip cracking noises...b/c yeah, why are they calling so much? If they really want to check up on you, they should just go with you to the game and like read a book.

So what to do about this? Make sure that you don't do everything together. As much as you guys like each other, you're also two individuals. Especially if you work and live together, make sure that you still find time apart just so you remember what it's like to be on your own. Establish some things that you can do apart and both have fun. Say if one of you watched football, then the other person can establish a video game day on Sundays. Don't necessarily do chores b/c if one of you is having fun and other is working, I think that can lead to a lot of resentment. And resentment leads to arguing and arguing leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. (Yoda is so wise his sayings have a much broader application than just jedis!)

Note: scheduled time apart is not the same as like breaking up each weekend so you're free to play the field...and second of all if you had that much game as a geek, you're not really a geek, plus you're a pretty giant douche.

The key to harmoniously being together or not being together is to understand what the other person's needs are and work out a plan that is far to everyone. So what's the word again?? Communication. :)

Contingency Plans

I was going to call this the backup plan but that was a movie just recently and I think it wasn't very good, sooo, I had to rename it, plus it reminds me of Batman b/c he always has contingency plans. :)

So I'm making up for laziness from last week, hopefully this week's post will be more interesting.

Ok, there are a couple of ways to think about contingency plans. One is like in the movie the Backup Plan or like in My Best Friend's Wedding. Both of these ideas assume that you'll be single and alone forever unless you take drastic measures so in the first version, you adopt or conceive as a single person and build your family by birthing it and in the second version you make deals with a good generally opposite gendered friend to have a loveless marriage if you haven't married by a certain age. I think in My Best Friend's Wedding, they were 30 which now to me sounds like a ridiculously young age to "give up". But hey, you won't be alone anymore right?

I used to think these were perfectly reasonable plans, but now I think that it's for people who have really given up and probably didn't that hard in the first place...or maybe for people who are too picky and had great opportunities but squandered them. Anyhow, I'm not sure I approve of that method b/c again, the My Best Friend's Wedding scenario is like the non-boyfriend boyfriend situation in which case someone is probably going get hurt (like in the movie).

So now we get to what I am thinking of when I think contingency plans, which is specific to online dating. It may also explain why it seems you might be getting mixed signals from someone. So it's this, when you're online dating, you may be getting contacted by several individuals. Since we all have a limited amount of time, I think the most efficient thing to do it line them up. Pick who you think is the most likely to be compatible and start communicating with that person. When you get to the dating stage, if you've got people in your queue, now is the time to start slowing down the messages. Instead of responding everyday, start padding a couple of days in between responses. I think this is better than getting to the stage where you're supposed to be dating like 4 guys at once b/c that just sounds like too much work to me. If it doesn't seem like it's going to work out with the first person, move on to the next person that you've lined up.

This seems like an efficient way of dealing with multiple dating opportunities.
Why do it this way? B/c I think from the geeky guy standpoint, they are more likely to be competing with multiple other guys for the same girl. So although lining up guys seems cruel, you are helping them b/c you aren't completely ignoring them and you aren't leading them on by dating three or four guys at once. B/c say you date a guy and that guy really likes you but you're dating another guy also that you totally more. So that first nerd is going to feel hurt b/c he's going to ask you to go on more dates but you are trying to date the second guy more... yeah it's just messy and not a great idea.

Naysayers might say, well what if the next guy is better than the guy I'm dating now? Well there is a flaw to that line of logic...if you're happy now, how do you know the other guy is going to make you more happy? It could be better but could be and is probably more likely to be worse. I think a lot of girls have this problem, they're never satisfied...don't be that girl, b/c if you have a good thing, why spoil it. Now if your relationship actually sucks, then go ahead and move on, but if you're happy but it's not perfect, you need to understand that no relationship is perfect and happy is a good goal.

So yes, line em up. Actually that's the advice they give when sparring multiple people in martial arts, b/c it's easier to deal with one person at a time than two at once.

(hey sorry about the half post!!)

What not to do on a first date

I don’t even remember if I did this topic already but it bears (bares?) repeating--what not to do on a date or only do these if you don’t want to ever date this girl again.

1. Be late. Being late shows disrespect and unless you have a good excuse like your car broke down or there was unexpected traffic on the freeway, you should meet on time. However, excuses like, there was traffic coming from LA, that’s lame. There’s always traffic coming from LA, and you should account for that in your traveling times.

2. Wear crap ass clothes. While we don’t expect Mr. GQ to appear on these dates, I think guys should put in an effort to wear clothes that fit properly, aren’t dying (so no sweatshirts with fraying collars or holes anywhere), are clean, and relatively wrinkle free. To assist in wrinkle free-ness I suggest no linen pants…of course if you’re a guy who wears linen pants, you have bigger problems. By extension, being stinky, dirty, or unkempt. Don’t ask a guy friend to see if you’re ok, get a woman to check the odor level. Women have better senses of smell so they’re a better judge if you’re wearing too much cologne or if you need to shower yet again. And remember, cologne was only a substitute for bathing in the medieval period, it doesn’t count anymore.

3. Be overeager. Nothing wrong with being excited or a little nervous about a first date, as they can be the beginning of a great relationship, but being so overeager to the point where you creep the other person out, that’s bad. Again, the stink of desperation wafts far and wide.

4. Talk about religion and politics. Or really this can be any topic that maybe you’re a little too passionate about. If you’re both nerds and one of you is a Marvel fan and the other is a DC fan, I dunno if you should be getting into arguments over who’s more awesome Batman or the Hulk (although obviously it’s Batman) b/c there have been many successful intercomic relationships. You can love someone and they can still be wrong about their choice of reading materials. :)

5. Get shit-faced and by that I mean get drunk off your ass. No one is that awesome of a drunk where it should be the first impression that you make on someone. And you’re going to lose a lot of points if you vomit on her shoes.

6. Acting like a boor. Not a boar, or a bore (although those two are also bad) but a boor. Which basically means a dude with no manners, like burping rudely, talking about inappropriate things like her butt or boobs even if it’s a compliment, talking about someone else’s butt or boobs, scratching your crotch or butt or your armpit, talking about your medical history (we don’t need to know about the rash you have on your back right now but it might be medically relevant later), or basically anything your mom would have smacked you for talking about at the dinner table. The types of conversations you can have with a group of D&D buddies is really different than when you’re meeting someone for the first time. Also, maybe you don’t have to lay your jacket on puddles for her, but hold the door open if you get there first (I believe that whoever gets there first holds open the door, but I could be wrong here) and basically don’t be a jerk.

7. Being a bore. If you wax eloquent on the differences between the different types of Star Trek and and she is yawning like a mofo and has a glazed look in the eye, you should probably not continue your discussion of Picard vs Kirk (Picard all the way!). Either she’s really bored and that’s bad or she’s having a minor stroke and that’s also bad. Yes, I believe that too long of a debate on Trek can cause strokes.

8. Being rude to the waitstaff. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, especially people who are “lower” than them. If someone is rude or mean to waiters and other people in the service industry, then they might treat other people like crap too. The person you’re out with might be a doctor now but they might have been a server at the Spaghetti Factory in college and they probably don’t have fond memories of mean customers.

9. Constantly check your electronic devices or pick up phone calls or twitter the entire process. It’s just rude. Again, you have just a few hours to try to convince this person that you should go out again, and you’re going to waste that time twittering? Hang up the phone and twitter after you get back home, your audience can wait.

10. Talk about your past relationships. If it comes up, don’t like avoid the question but don’t go on a huge tirade about evil ex number 2 (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) b/c it’ll make you seem crazy. If you’ve not been very lucky in love before don’t get all emo about it either, b/c girls don’t like to pity date.

11. Tell her you’re going to call if you aren’t. B/c that’s just a douchebag thing to do.

12. Grab her and stick your tongue down her throat. I believe that’s called assault. You can’t force stuff like that. The best response you can expect from this kind of behavior is a swift kick to the crotch.

Now let’s play a game and try to guess how many of these rules I broke on my first dates?! Haha, oh sad.

Oh, here is cnn's list of dating mistakes. It's pretty different from mine... :P